EJP

Hey All,

I've been lurking around off and on over the past year and finally decided to create an account and post.

Maybe posting here will give me that little extra to remain sober. In the past two years I've quit several times but usually start to feel good at about a week and then just stop at the store for some beer. I dont know why.... And then a whole 2-3 week binge cycle starts.

I made it to 96 days last year and it was the happiest I've been in the past 10 years. I made it to 58 days about 4 months ago and was feeling really good. I made it 8 days until last week and since then I've been binging on beers all day.

Today was sober. And it sucks. My stomach is a mess and feel like a panic attack is right around the corner. I'm not looking forward to tonight. There will be sweating, terrifying dreams, and only a few hours or real sleep.

I've become an expert at quitting. But I'm smart enough to see the withdrawals intensifying. No DTs yet but the anxiety and depression has become crushing.

Anyway, here's to a better tomorrow I guess...

Pondlady

Welcome EJP, glad you decided to join us on the posting side of the forum. What do you think you did that helped you make it to 96 days last year? I think it's hard to tell ourselves we'll never drink again….but it's necessary and it does get easier.

ZeldaFan

Welcome EJP! Your story is very similar to mine before coming here. I didn't have nearly as many days in a row as you did, but I tried to stop many times over the years leading up to this time. Most were a few weeks here and there.

I have found the kind words, support and advice of this community to be a priceless asset in my recovery. SR gives me a place to come when I'm feeling weak, alone or just plain confused over how I'm feeling. In my early days of recovery, this was my best friend while up all night with anxiety and insomnia. After I had a few slips, this community gave me the push and support to get right back to my sobriety.

All that said, welcome to a great community!

Lifeisforliving

Welcome, EJP. Someone will be here all night. Let SR be your lifeline in the coming hours, days, months & years ahead.

Glad you're here.

EJP

I'm not sure. I think it was just an honest effort to improve myself. My marriage was also at a rough spot (not about drinking, surprisingly) and they were very emotional times where I was just too afraid to drink. I've never been violent but I suppose everybody has a line and I had no interest putting myself in bad situation where I was impaired.

I'm a secret drinker who's relatively responsible with it (no driving, getting in fights, drunk around kids, etc). But my job allows me to work from home and that allows for lots of time drinking during the day.... and thats a big part of the problem.

malcolmsloan

Welcome, EJP. I'm glad you decided to join us. I know it sucks where you are right now, just getting started again, but I guess it's good that you know what you are getting into. For me, I always like to know what I'm up against. Luck getting started, and keep us posted.

Dee74

welcome EJP

D

Hevyn

Pleased to meet you EJP! SR meant the world to me when I found it - I'd been drinking 24/7 & was desperate. I had felt all alone until coming here. You're in good company - we all understand. It feels wonderful to be free of it - we know you can do this.

EJP

Thanks all. I appreciate it.

I've really been struggling to understand my disease/condition/behavior pattern. I'm a very logical and disciplined person.... and the thing that bothers me most is that I don't want to let drinking define me as a person. This includes once I'm sober. But that is what it seems to take in order to remain sober.

For how long?

I would be happy to never drink again. Moderating it is too much work/risk. But the thought of going through the rest of my life reminding myself "I'm an alcoholic" several times a day seems really unpleasant.

I don't mean any disrespect to any of the programs or their views... i'm really just feeling like crap.

Skye2

EJP Would it help if you dropped the label 'alcoholic' and thought of it as having a problem when it comes to drinking? I don't like labels as to me, they give a sense of hopelessness to things. I used to have problems with panic attacks when going out and on reflection, I think if I had bee labelled 'agoraphobic' I would have just accepted it and not fought back.
Just a thought

least

You've come to a great place for support in stopping drinking.

KateL

I don't like labels either. Just stick around here and see if you can find the support you need both here and in any support programs you might like the look of.xx

SnoozyQ

Welcome EJP

Glad you made the crossover from lurking to posting , this may be the positive difference you are looking for .

Stay close and good luck

We are all here to support you xx

Pondlady

EJB,
Only you define yourself. I didn't want alcohol to define me either and couldn't believe I'd landed myself in such a predicament. I stopped drinking in June 2012. it was pretty much my total focus , as I devoured information and made sobriety my top priority.

I can honestly tell you today, I rarely think about drinking and consider not drinking a choice to be healthy and happy. Drinking, especially during the day, makes our world very small and secretive…..not the way you want to be defined.

Thepatman

The only person that can label you is you. Why not try a label Like.
I'm a kick but warrior that was able to overcome addiction? someone that can better himself and willing to change to have a happy life.

Just look at my avatar, that’s how I vision myself VS my addiction. And believe me, I’m am not done with it yet. It will cry like a baby for its mom!
It took 20 years of my life, time for payback sucker addiction. LOL!

IOAA2

Hi. I'm an alcoholic which to means I can NOT drink alcohol in safety. I needed to get honest with myself about MY drinking and accept it for what it is forgetting the sometimes things I didn't like. I haven't desired a drink in over 30 years but that doesn't mean I'm recovered, I'm in recovery. There are many things to unlearn and learn even for us know it alls. I keep the phrase "If I don't pick up the first drink I don't have to TRY to get sober AGAIN." Yes I know this is a fast moving society and for me EASY DOES IT is a great help.

BE WELL

Gibbons2

This is a great site and glad you are posting EJP. I am on day two myself.

You can do it and it is really nice to not be alone with your addiction. Everyone here gets it ... Thank God!

BalinChane

I prefer to call myself a guy who finally realized that alcohol is a poison and I don't want to ingest it anymore. Or just an ex-drinker.

Markdad3

Welcome! What ever works for you. For me, I had to admit I was powerless over alcohol, and the fellowship of AA showed me there is a better way of life. I could stay sober for a long stretch without working a recovery program, but was not a great way of life for me. The problem for me Is my thinking. The alcohol was just a symptom, and a solution for a long time. I couldnt handle the fear and anxiety after I gave up the alcohol, so I got help from people that were free and recovering in AA and on these boards. If you can get sober without AA, that is great! Welcome, I am glad you are here. Enjoy the road.

Dee74

Early recovery is rough - we're emotionally up and down, terrified about the uncertainty of our future, and obsessing as much about not drinking as we used to about drinking...

but it gets better.

I don't wander around weighed down by the fact I'm an alcoholic or that I can't drink...I just live my life. Recovery is still important to me but I have a holistic view of my life now.

You'll get to that point too

D