being dry is just the beginning
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: in canada
Posts: 11
being dry is just the beginning
I've just spent a good deal of my morning reading the posts here, and have decided a few things.
1. I'm sicker than I thought.
2. I'm done with this craziness.
I found out a lot about myself in the past week. I have so much garbage to deal with, in nearly every aspect of my life. My health is the biggest one. I think I have more problems than just my alcoholism. I feel absolutely crazy inside. I'm going to phone for an assessment at the mental health clinic tomorrow. I can stay sober, but it's the rest of the stuff that piles up inside of me that I cannot handle anymore. I've been sober for a few days now, but thinking about suicide while being sober is a frightening thing for me to deal with. June isn't a good time of year for me, nine years ago, on father's day, my brother hung himself. Why I've decided to even think of suicide now, is beyond me. I had to deal with his, and went nuts myself for a time after that. Due to my mom being an active addict at the time, and me just being my alcoholic self...gawd, I had to take over the arrangements, everything. Ok, I'm not making sense.
I wanted to thank those who have shared here, from the bottom of my heart. It has given me a reason to believe that all might be right with me some day, and that maybe, just maybe I won't feel like I'm drowning in the life that I have. I have so much to be grateful for...so much to live for, I just need to do more than what I've done in the past, that's why I'm seeking professional help. I think a physical is in order too. Thank goodness we have a dr here who specializes in treating alcoholics.
Anyhow, just a big thank you to those who have opened my eyes this morning. You all have instilled hope in me once again.
Manda
1. I'm sicker than I thought.
2. I'm done with this craziness.
I found out a lot about myself in the past week. I have so much garbage to deal with, in nearly every aspect of my life. My health is the biggest one. I think I have more problems than just my alcoholism. I feel absolutely crazy inside. I'm going to phone for an assessment at the mental health clinic tomorrow. I can stay sober, but it's the rest of the stuff that piles up inside of me that I cannot handle anymore. I've been sober for a few days now, but thinking about suicide while being sober is a frightening thing for me to deal with. June isn't a good time of year for me, nine years ago, on father's day, my brother hung himself. Why I've decided to even think of suicide now, is beyond me. I had to deal with his, and went nuts myself for a time after that. Due to my mom being an active addict at the time, and me just being my alcoholic self...gawd, I had to take over the arrangements, everything. Ok, I'm not making sense.
I wanted to thank those who have shared here, from the bottom of my heart. It has given me a reason to believe that all might be right with me some day, and that maybe, just maybe I won't feel like I'm drowning in the life that I have. I have so much to be grateful for...so much to live for, I just need to do more than what I've done in the past, that's why I'm seeking professional help. I think a physical is in order too. Thank goodness we have a dr here who specializes in treating alcoholics.
Anyhow, just a big thank you to those who have opened my eyes this morning. You all have instilled hope in me once again.
Manda
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: east coast
Posts: 2,440
Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. With these we are well on our way. Sounds like you have these things. It sounds like you really want to change and are setting realistic goals (counseling, a physical). Can I also suggest an AA meeting? You can find much needed support in the rooms of AA. Someone who has been there and can share their experienc, strength , and hope with you. It's normal to feel messed up inside when we first stop drinking. It's not "normal" for us to not drink and it takes some getting used to. But one day at a time we can do it. Keep posting here. There are alot of wonderful people here and we are willing to help. I've found alot of help here and also in the rooms of AA/NA. I will say a prayer for you. Let us know how you're doing.
Sherry
Sherry
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi Manda,
I'm glad you've been looking hard at yourself and that you see a way to begin getting help. Not drinking is a part of recovering, but there is so much more. And, you're right about the mental health part too. Some of us, me included have other issues. I had depression all of my life and I had to get that diagnosed and treated before I could stop drinking. Things really will look better for you if you continue to move forward slowly.
Hang around and keep posting.
Love, Anna
I'm glad you've been looking hard at yourself and that you see a way to begin getting help. Not drinking is a part of recovering, but there is so much more. And, you're right about the mental health part too. Some of us, me included have other issues. I had depression all of my life and I had to get that diagnosed and treated before I could stop drinking. Things really will look better for you if you continue to move forward slowly.
Hang around and keep posting.
Love, Anna
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Hi Manda,
Welcome home. It's great that you are ready to those important first steps in taking care of you. I look forward to readng your posts and watching you grow in your journey.
Love ya
Laurie D
Welcome home. It's great that you are ready to those important first steps in taking care of you. I look forward to readng your posts and watching you grow in your journey.
Love ya
Laurie D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: in canada
Posts: 11
me again, I thought I'd do some tidying up here, and now I'm going crazy all of a sudden. I feel all torn up inside. I'm crying and I can't stop, it isn't a good thing, my little one is seeing this and trying to console me, she keeps kissing me, and then that makes me cry harder. I feel like I've opened a can of worms and it's all there, and I have to look at it. Overwhelmed would be a good description of how I feel right now.
I just feel like going to bed right now, and just staying there. I don't know how to do this, how to cope with this. I just wish I could turn off the stupid tape that's playing over and over again in my head. I was doing so good this morning, now this! I don't understand it at all.
Going to phone a friend and see if I can go for coffee, maybe just getting out will help. I don't know. I just don't know.
I just feel like going to bed right now, and just staying there. I don't know how to do this, how to cope with this. I just wish I could turn off the stupid tape that's playing over and over again in my head. I was doing so good this morning, now this! I don't understand it at all.
Going to phone a friend and see if I can go for coffee, maybe just getting out will help. I don't know. I just don't know.
Vision of Hope
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Living on This side of the green!!
Posts: 1,057
Manda, Welcome!! The first few days are the roughest. Emotional is to say the least. Carrying all the shame and guilt around all that time and covering how we felt in side, it does come back, it does pass, Easy Does It!! Just dont pick up and the miricles will happen, I look forward to watching it happen for you. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Never, Never land
Posts: 2,851
Manda,
Hang in there. Do something to get out of your head for a little while. Going out with a friend is a great idea. Go to a meeting, call some people. Just DON"T pick up. As long as you don't use, there is hope for recovery.
It's weird typing your name, my daughters name is Amanda, but we call her Manda. Sometimes she uses and it's almost like I am talking to her. Chokes me up a little bit.
When you start to feel like you are going to give in, look at that little one and remember she needs you.
Love ya
Laurie D
Hang in there. Do something to get out of your head for a little while. Going out with a friend is a great idea. Go to a meeting, call some people. Just DON"T pick up. As long as you don't use, there is hope for recovery.
It's weird typing your name, my daughters name is Amanda, but we call her Manda. Sometimes she uses and it's almost like I am talking to her. Chokes me up a little bit.
When you start to feel like you are going to give in, look at that little one and remember she needs you.
Love ya
Laurie D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: in canada
Posts: 11
Morning, I did do what you all suggested and got out of my head. My friend and I did coffee, at my house, and just watching him interract with my little bean helped me a lot. He's an alcoholic in recovery, and has 10 plus years. He didn't even ask me one question, but knew somehow someway, that this was just what I needed. He ended up having me focused on her and all of her beauty and the gifts that she gives me every day. I feel ashamed to admit that I hadn't been giving her one thought while going nutso in my head. I ended up refocused, and felt much better.
Boy oh boy, this roller coaster is a doozie! I made it through one more day though, and even have a tool to use in the future.
Thanks for your words of encouragement, something so easy to do, yet I couldn't see it for myself.
Manda
Boy oh boy, this roller coaster is a doozie! I made it through one more day though, and even have a tool to use in the future.
Thanks for your words of encouragement, something so easy to do, yet I couldn't see it for myself.
Manda
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by manda
something so easy to do, yet I couldn't see it for myself.
Asking for help is the first line of defense against ourselves.
And when we do that, we generally end up going to sleep sober that night, in spite of ourselves.
Well done.
NOT EVEN 1 CLUB!!
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: When I find myself, I'll let you know!
Posts: 1,835
(((Manda))) You did GREAT!! Congrats on another day sober! You will learn more tools to use as you go and as you start to heal mentally and physically. Just hang in there and things WILL get better.
When I'm feeling down, I pick up my baby girl and hold her. Sometimes I too cry harder, but I know in my heart that I don't want to drink. Not only for myself, but for her. What a precious gift!!
Hugs to you,
Missy
When I'm feeling down, I pick up my baby girl and hold her. Sometimes I too cry harder, but I know in my heart that I don't want to drink. Not only for myself, but for her. What a precious gift!!
Hugs to you,
Missy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: The Mohave Desert
Posts: 2,306
Manda
So glad you are here. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Just prepare yourself for a flood of feelings, physical discomfort and basic confusion at the state of your being. It will get better. Glad you are seeking professional help.
Like Anna I have dealt with depression/manic episodes all my life. I have to take care of both the addiction and the chemical imbalance.
It is wonderful that you have a friend who is in recovery and has some real time sober. You can send me a pm anytime. We are all here for you and just keep sharing.
Big Hugs!
Kellie
So glad you are here. Hang on, it's going to be a bumpy ride. Just prepare yourself for a flood of feelings, physical discomfort and basic confusion at the state of your being. It will get better. Glad you are seeking professional help.
Like Anna I have dealt with depression/manic episodes all my life. I have to take care of both the addiction and the chemical imbalance.
It is wonderful that you have a friend who is in recovery and has some real time sober. You can send me a pm anytime. We are all here for you and just keep sharing.
Big Hugs!
Kellie
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Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Escondido, CA
Posts: 9
so good to not be alone
hi manda,
i'm in my 3rd day of sobriety right now. i have a son that i swore i would never allow to see my drinking problem. i did manage to almost stop drinking while i was carrying him. when he was born, i said i'll stop by the time he's talking...when he started talking, i said before he is 5...when he turned 5, i said, i'm ok...i'm taking good care of him, as long as i control the amount...he's 10 n a half now and i had to start hiding my beer cans because i caught him going through the trash, counting them one day...that was a few months ago and i was soooo devastated when i saw that...i had put a trash bag in the bottom of a closet, filled it with empties and forgotten about it until he was looking for something recently and found it....with several friends no less....omg....i tried stopping cold turkey and only on the weekends he was away with my x.....needless to say, it's nearly impossible....in my guilt of waking up with yet another major hangover saturday morning i somehow found this site...i'm sooo glad i'm here. you are so not alone...we not only owe this to ourselves...our children deserve our sobriety even more....we are the strongest example they have in life...we are robbing them of a stable future....i've decided now is the time, for me, for him, for life...where will our children be when the alcohol finally kills us....they don't care about money, life insurance, whatever.....they care about us and expect/need us to be there for them....i certainly hope i will be....with the support i've already found in here i'm starting to think i can do this.....my son loves me unconditionally and he is there for me...i need to be there for him...i've finally been honest with him and told him "honey, mom has a problem with beer, but i'm going to stop cuz i love you way more than any ol stupid beer"....hopefully this time i will with the support i've found in here...hang in there, again, you are so not alone
i'm in my 3rd day of sobriety right now. i have a son that i swore i would never allow to see my drinking problem. i did manage to almost stop drinking while i was carrying him. when he was born, i said i'll stop by the time he's talking...when he started talking, i said before he is 5...when he turned 5, i said, i'm ok...i'm taking good care of him, as long as i control the amount...he's 10 n a half now and i had to start hiding my beer cans because i caught him going through the trash, counting them one day...that was a few months ago and i was soooo devastated when i saw that...i had put a trash bag in the bottom of a closet, filled it with empties and forgotten about it until he was looking for something recently and found it....with several friends no less....omg....i tried stopping cold turkey and only on the weekends he was away with my x.....needless to say, it's nearly impossible....in my guilt of waking up with yet another major hangover saturday morning i somehow found this site...i'm sooo glad i'm here. you are so not alone...we not only owe this to ourselves...our children deserve our sobriety even more....we are the strongest example they have in life...we are robbing them of a stable future....i've decided now is the time, for me, for him, for life...where will our children be when the alcohol finally kills us....they don't care about money, life insurance, whatever.....they care about us and expect/need us to be there for them....i certainly hope i will be....with the support i've already found in here i'm starting to think i can do this.....my son loves me unconditionally and he is there for me...i need to be there for him...i've finally been honest with him and told him "honey, mom has a problem with beer, but i'm going to stop cuz i love you way more than any ol stupid beer"....hopefully this time i will with the support i've found in here...hang in there, again, you are so not alone
New and Unsure
Join Date: May 2004
Location: phoenix az
Posts: 191
Amanda-
Wow she you did it. Yes the roas is rough like everyone here has said. But dont worrie about that now. Just take it one day at a time and when it get rough just take it one minute at a time. You too can get past this.
My son to has been a wake up for me too. They are great.
Congrats on another day!!!!
Wow she you did it. Yes the roas is rough like everyone here has said. But dont worrie about that now. Just take it one day at a time and when it get rough just take it one minute at a time. You too can get past this.
My son to has been a wake up for me too. They are great.
Congrats on another day!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: in canada
Posts: 11
hey!
still hanging in there, just been busy keeping busy, don't want to get into that head game stuff again with myself. The thing is, I've been spending a lot of time at home, either drinking myself to a state where I either do something stupid, or falling asleep. This is the number one killer for me. I've decided being out and about is going to work, and have been out with AA people these past few days, and boy!!!!!!! does it work!!
so here I am, trudging along, but happy for the much needed babysitting at this point. My appointments are lined up and everything is in motion. Now getting thru this mess doesn't seem so huge anymore.
take care, and thanks for being here!
still hanging in there, just been busy keeping busy, don't want to get into that head game stuff again with myself. The thing is, I've been spending a lot of time at home, either drinking myself to a state where I either do something stupid, or falling asleep. This is the number one killer for me. I've decided being out and about is going to work, and have been out with AA people these past few days, and boy!!!!!!! does it work!!
so here I am, trudging along, but happy for the much needed babysitting at this point. My appointments are lined up and everything is in motion. Now getting thru this mess doesn't seem so huge anymore.
take care, and thanks for being here!
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