jessicajoe

I haven't posted much recently because nothing much has happened until today.
We haven't actually split up but have both been viewing it as something that would ultimately happen if he didn't stop drinking.
I have been working hard on detaching and my own recovery. Lots of reading and lots and lots of AlAnon. We had cancelled the plans for getting married in the summer and I have been spending time with other people and had made arrangements to do something with my own friends this New Year's Eve.
More and more I was leaving him to it when he was drinking. He made occasional noises about stopping but really nothing more than quacking.
Then today.
He made a stupid mistake at work and lost his job. He wasn't drunk but he drank lots last night and I'm sure his mind was in its usual fuddle.
I thought he would eventually lose his job but in my head it would be after we split up and because he kept oversleeping or something. This was sudden.
He came home this afternoon and announced he was going to an AA meeting and that's where he is now. He has never had anything good to say about AA.
Does it mean anything ? I don't know. Does it change anything? Not today it doesn't.
I'm going to watch a movie and have a bath. I'm reciting Hammer's "let pain drive their train" and AlAnon's "let go and let God" over and over for now.

dandylion

Jessica--you will have your answer about a year from now. If he is involved with AA and his sponsor and working the actual 12-steps. It will show in attitude changes and certain behaviors. Just leave it alone....in time, an answer will appear.

Congratulations on the work you have been doing for yourself.

dandylion

Ixi

IMO, losing a job can go two ways: either it's a wake-up call to get sober or it will give him another excuse to drink. With my (R)A it was the latter. Nothing but time will tell which way he goes.

AnvilheadII

as dandylion said, one meeting does not a recovery make. it really changes nothing, not now. in a year, maybe more, his behaviors would either add up to someone who HAS had that moment of clarity.....or not. but YOU are not obligated to wait. keep on your path. keep taking care of you. cuz you are so very special and important. always have been!!!

Hammer

If he is still doing daily AA by the end of the month . . . I would seriously consider asking him out for a sort of date to an Open AA Meeting on New Year's Eve.

You know what they say about New Year's Eve? Whatever you are doing, you may find yourself doing for the rest of the Year.

ps. To Their Pain!

pss. Not saying this is right, but I sometimes ask God to take away the Pain that Mrs. Hammer has given us, and double and put it back on her. For her recovery, of course.

RhodeIsland

Jessica,

the fear of losing a partner might be pushing him to AA - now he's lost a job he is but a burden. Might be done as a method of "keeping" you, might not. Maybe he's there because he believes he needs help and is willing to work towards becoming sober. He'll have to continue attending and being active with AA for himself, though.

Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Stung

My AH is currently at night 3 of 90 AA meetings and I've learned that he might be sober but the nasty little habits that are learned by being an addict are still around, unfortunately. I'm glad that your AH attended today and I hope he sticks with it.

jessicajoe

Thanks everyone ! Wow !! Kind words from Anvilhead. I must be doing something right !!

Hammer , when I was 17 I borrowed a pair of leather trousers to wear to a New Year's Eve party. My mom made me change out of them saying I would be "in borrowed clothes all year" I'm a mom now and I wonder if she just didn't like how tight they were !!


I can't believe how detached I am feeling from whats going on. If he had lost his job a year ago I would have been devastated. It doesn't affect my rent or my income. It is his side of the street. It might sound callous but part of me is beginning to think it might be the best thing that could have happened.

As far as him going to a meeting last night and having plans for a noon one today. Again that's his business.
If he gets sober and we make it I'll be okay.
If he gets sober and we split I'll be okay.
If he drinks and we split I'll be okay.

More will be revealed

spiderqueen

You are doing a lot, right, jj! You are doing the difficult but very necessary work of separating your well-being from his. Not easy when you love someone, lord knows. It gets easier with practice and time.

Take good care and ((hugs)) to you.