umm...Apparently he has moved a woman into our house
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
umm...Apparently he has moved a woman into our house
Well where to start with this. I'm shaking. My AH and I are about 5 months into our separation. We agreed to a year long separation due to the alcoholism of course but he was also cheating. We have had minimal contact but have been texting lately to set something up over Christmas. We are living very far apart and have 2 kids. I have not been pushing for any contact or even initiating any conversations but I do respond to his texts. He is wanting to fly up and meet in the closest metro area over Christmas. I already have lots of hesitation over this like what if he goes on a bender and never shows up.
Well my friend happens to be off work today with a sick kid and went to her mom's house who lives next to my AH. (AH is still in our mutually owned house). And lo and behold there is some woman in a bathrobe unloading groceries into my old house. My friend normally does not tell me any news of my AH but she knows he has been trying to woo me back lately.
When I bring up divorce and going our separate ways AH always says he wants to work things out. Ugh, makes me sick.
Anyway do I tell him I know he has someone living there? I feel like puking.
Thanks for reading about all the yuck in my life.
Well my friend happens to be off work today with a sick kid and went to her mom's house who lives next to my AH. (AH is still in our mutually owned house). And lo and behold there is some woman in a bathrobe unloading groceries into my old house. My friend normally does not tell me any news of my AH but she knows he has been trying to woo me back lately.
When I bring up divorce and going our separate ways AH always says he wants to work things out. Ugh, makes me sick.
Anyway do I tell him I know he has someone living there? I feel like puking.
Thanks for reading about all the yuck in my life.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 79
I'm not sure what the 'right' answer is here, but my guess is it'll be pretty hard to ignore it, so you might as well let him know that you're aware of it. I don't know enough about your situation (nor detachment) though, so maybe that's not a good idea?
I do have a suggestion for the kids meeting up over Christmas though. My nephews father is a sometimes show, sometimes not kind of dad. My sisters solution to the potential disappointment for her son is to never tell him the reason they're going to a particular place (if it's to meet up with him, that is). That way if he doesn't show, my nephew is none the wiser. Could you arrange for a 'fun day in the big city' type thing with plans set up to do particular activities in case he's a no-show? Hope that helps. Sorry you're going through this
I do have a suggestion for the kids meeting up over Christmas though. My nephews father is a sometimes show, sometimes not kind of dad. My sisters solution to the potential disappointment for her son is to never tell him the reason they're going to a particular place (if it's to meet up with him, that is). That way if he doesn't show, my nephew is none the wiser. Could you arrange for a 'fun day in the big city' type thing with plans set up to do particular activities in case he's a no-show? Hope that helps. Sorry you're going through this
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by Catherine628 
We have had minimal contact but have been texting lately to set something up over Christmas.
But I would probably just let the text stuff space out and out and and out and fade away.
Thanks for reading about all the yuck in my life.
Hauling garbage off is what we do here.
But here are the rules:
Once you put it here, you can not take it back and can no longer carry it around with you. Leave it here. Okay?
Go be free and enjoy Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Chicago
Posts: 79
Originally Posted by Hammer
The bill is in the mail.
Hauling garbage off is what we do here.
But here are the rules:
Once you put it here, you can not take it back and can no longer carry it around with you. Leave it here. Okay?
Go be free and enjoy Christmas.
Hauling garbage off is what we do here.
But here are the rules:
Once you put it here, you can not take it back and can no longer carry it around with you. Leave it here. Okay?
Go be free and enjoy Christmas.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I don't know the answer, but I want to give you all the (((hugs))) for Christmas. This is not a fun thing to learn about.
If you tell him, you know he will tell you every story in the book (and probably a few that aren't in the book): She's the housekeeper, a long-lost cousin, your friend was looking at the wrong house, blah blah quack quack quack. If you don't tell him it might eat away at you.
What this is, is information. Whether you tell him or don't tell him, it's something for you to take into account as you decide how to proceed with your relationship.
Again, all the hugs.
If you tell him, you know he will tell you every story in the book (and probably a few that aren't in the book): She's the housekeeper, a long-lost cousin, your friend was looking at the wrong house, blah blah quack quack quack. If you don't tell him it might eat away at you.
What this is, is information. Whether you tell him or don't tell him, it's something for you to take into account as you decide how to proceed with your relationship.
Again, all the hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
That's gonna be a big bill!
Not telling the kids about the real purpose of the trip was my first instinct. I told AH I wanted it to be a surprise for them so he wouldn't blab it either.
Fa La La La La. Who knows maybe someday I will look back on this and realize it really was a great Christmas present.
Not telling the kids about the real purpose of the trip was my first instinct. I told AH I wanted it to be a surprise for them so he wouldn't blab it either.
Fa La La La La. Who knows maybe someday I will look back on this and realize it really was a great Christmas present.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
You said he was drinking and cheating before you left. he is still cheating. IDK i guess he is still drinking? nothing is different, except you moved away (very smart). I could never trust anyone who behaved this way either.
Why wait to file for a divorce? divide the assets, get child support, iron out the details with your attorney.
You do have the rest of YOUR LIFE to live and find happiness too without getting punched in the stomach with another lie.
Why wait to file for a divorce? divide the assets, get child support, iron out the details with your attorney.
You do have the rest of YOUR LIFE to live and find happiness too without getting punched in the stomach with another lie.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
maybe it IS a sister visiting? i'm only saying that things are not ALWAYS as they appear, especially when they appear in front of somebody else not us and we get the "news" second hand.
that being said...he was cheating before you guys split....so if this is a non-related woman, then it's not really new behavior. you mentioned he was woo'ing you.....did you want to be woo'd? did you want to unseparate and live together again? did you like it when he would poo-poo any notions of divorce - was there hope?
those answers might be worth investigating. because what he is doing is in some ways irrelevant to what you FEEL. and what you hope. if you do ask him straight up if he is involved with anybody.....and let's say he says YES. what are you going to do with that?
and if he says no, what are you going to do with THAT?
that being said...he was cheating before you guys split....so if this is a non-related woman, then it's not really new behavior. you mentioned he was woo'ing you.....did you want to be woo'd? did you want to unseparate and live together again? did you like it when he would poo-poo any notions of divorce - was there hope?
those answers might be worth investigating. because what he is doing is in some ways irrelevant to what you FEEL. and what you hope. if you do ask him straight up if he is involved with anybody.....and let's say he says YES. what are you going to do with that?
and if he says no, what are you going to do with THAT?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
He only has one sister and she literally lives across the country. No other relatives that are even in the state. I know if I confront him I will get a story. I had to chuckle about Sparkle's response. I asked this summer why the neighbor's were seeing a strange car in the driveway. Well duh! It was a new housekeeper....sure.
My friend took a picture of this new development in case I should need it in divorce preceedings.
What a life. It doesn't even feel real. Glad I left. I just don't know if there is any point in telling him what I know. When he starts in with all his talk and trying to win me back I do start to have a little hope. Better to find this out now than to go trucking back down there and disrupt our lives all over again only to have it explode. This is a sign that I need to be done with this so why can't I just file the papers already??
My friend took a picture of this new development in case I should need it in divorce preceedings.
What a life. It doesn't even feel real. Glad I left. I just don't know if there is any point in telling him what I know. When he starts in with all his talk and trying to win me back I do start to have a little hope. Better to find this out now than to go trucking back down there and disrupt our lives all over again only to have it explode. This is a sign that I need to be done with this so why can't I just file the papers already??
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Catherine,
"This is a sign that I need to be done with this so why can't I just file the papers already??" Not always easy to wrap your head around this or to take the step forward, even knowing it is something that you want to do and is probably the best for you although, I don't know what is best for you. I actually did file the papers. AH was never served as he was out of state, living with his alcoholic father, etc. etc. He moved in after getting sober (he is currently in full relapse mode however). That was two years ago and here I am, still married to him.
Baby steps. Sometimes it is baby steps. Hang in there! You got a lot of good advice on here.
"This is a sign that I need to be done with this so why can't I just file the papers already??" Not always easy to wrap your head around this or to take the step forward, even knowing it is something that you want to do and is probably the best for you although, I don't know what is best for you. I actually did file the papers. AH was never served as he was out of state, living with his alcoholic father, etc. etc. He moved in after getting sober (he is currently in full relapse mode however). That was two years ago and here I am, still married to him.
Baby steps. Sometimes it is baby steps. Hang in there! You got a lot of good advice on here.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
file the papers already!!!
so you believe you deserve better? are his actions dealbreakers...or not? and if not, why. why would you want someone who does what he does BACK? what does that say about your self worth and dignity? you are a QUEEN and should be treated as such.
so you believe you deserve better? are his actions dealbreakers...or not? and if not, why. why would you want someone who does what he does BACK? what does that say about your self worth and dignity? you are a QUEEN and should be treated as such.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Catherine, I generally am not this snarcky---but, if I were in your shoes, I think I woul d send him a nice note--by e-mail and thank him for making a formerly difficult decision very easy-peasy--for taking a load off your mind.
I would not--NOT--disclose my information and where I got it. He will tailor his lies or "story" to fit your evidence. Most all men lie about infidelity--even when caught in the act. The photo might come in handy during a divorce.
I know this has come as a shock to you and that you are quite upset, right now. But, I think you WILL come to thank him in the future.
dandylion
OH, hurry and file the papers while you still have your mad on. Anger can be a great m otivator when channeled appropriately.
I would not--NOT--disclose my information and where I got it. He will tailor his lies or "story" to fit your evidence. Most all men lie about infidelity--even when caught in the act. The photo might come in handy during a divorce.
I know this has come as a shock to you and that you are quite upset, right now. But, I think you WILL come to thank him in the future.
dandylion
OH, hurry and file the papers while you still have your mad on. Anger can be a great m otivator when channeled appropriately.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
As we say here, plug your ears and open your eyes. Forget what he's telling you, and watch what he's doing. His actions show his true intentions. Doesn't sound like his actions are reflecting anything remotely close to caring about you.
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
I would certainly let him know that you know and get on with your life.
Originally Posted by Catherine628
Well where to start with this. I'm shaking. My AH and I are about 5 months into our separation. We agreed to a year long separation due to the alcoholism of course but he was also cheating. We have had minimal contact but have been texting lately to set something up over Christmas. We are living very far apart and have 2 kids. I have not been pushing for any contact or even initiating any conversations but I do respond to his texts. He is wanting to fly up and meet in the closest metro area over Christmas. I already have lots of hesitation over this like what if he goes on a bender and never shows up.
Well my friend happens to be off work today with a sick kid and went to her mom's house who lives next to my AH. (AH is still in our mutually owned house). And lo and behold there is some woman in a bathrobe unloading groceries into my old house. My friend normally does not tell me any news of my AH but she knows he has been trying to woo me back lately.
When I bring up divorce and going our separate ways AH always says he wants to work things out. Ugh, makes me sick.
Anyway do I tell him I know he has someone living there? I feel like puking.
Thanks for reading about all the yuck in my life.
Well my friend happens to be off work today with a sick kid and went to her mom's house who lives next to my AH. (AH is still in our mutually owned house). And lo and behold there is some woman in a bathrobe unloading groceries into my old house. My friend normally does not tell me any news of my AH but she knows he has been trying to woo me back lately.
When I bring up divorce and going our separate ways AH always says he wants to work things out. Ugh, makes me sick.
Anyway do I tell him I know he has someone living there? I feel like puking.
Thanks for reading about all the yuck in my life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Oh his actions are speaking loud and clear. I have a hundred messages to him composed in my head, some with language I didn't even know I knew! I don't want to give away what I know yet. I'm in shock. Nope I don't want to be treated this way. I'm enjoying being in my cozy new place with the girls. I love the peace. It's a little lonely at times but I love having a calm house with predictable routines.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I'm wondering what financial arrangements you have in place - not that I need a specific answer, but I'd be concerned about him using joint assets any way he wanted, including potentially supporting another woman.
Do you have financial protection in place for you and your son? Do you know what your joint income and joint assets are, and in what financial instruments they are held? Do you know if you legal access to every account? Same questions for credit cards. To whom is the property titled? Who is on the mortgage? Is it being paid? What is happening to your credit?
After I fled my AH, I learned that because I was named second on joint bank accounts and credit cards, AH, as first on the accounts could and did remove me from all the credit cards.
There is a lot more here to think about than whether you believe him or not and want to take him back or not.
May be time for a free consultation by phone with an attorney in the jurisdiction where your assets are. There are also residency issues since you have moved that you need to know about to make good financial decisions for you and your son.
Filing for divorce now can freeze your joint assets and keep him from dissipating them, anf the opportunity for reconciliation is always there.
In the meantime, open a couple of general purpose credit card accounts in your own name with as high a credit limit as you can get so you have access to funds if you need them. Open your own band accounts, and put away as much money as you can.
If it were me, I'd get a bulldog attorney, pay him on a credit card account your husband is named first on, file a tough fault divorce and then see how your AH's behavior is. If he straightens up, gets sober, works a program for a year, then he may be worth taking back.
If he doesn't, then you know for real what you know now but just don't want to believe. And you have a tough advocate for you and your son before the assets are dissipated.
Keep the power in your court, not his. Now you are always waiting to see what he does while he makes excuses and buys more time for his addictions, not his family. You are the hostage. Set it up so he loses everything UNLESS he profoundly changes his behavior and you'll soon know the truth.
By the way, I wouldn't say anything about the woman - just have the divorce lawyer charge adultery as one reason for the divorce, and just let him stew. Don't need to accommodate him for a Christmas visit, either.
Fom my experience, better to be safe than sorry. Take what you want, leave the rest, said with compassion and concern.
ShootingStar1
Do you have financial protection in place for you and your son? Do you know what your joint income and joint assets are, and in what financial instruments they are held? Do you know if you legal access to every account? Same questions for credit cards. To whom is the property titled? Who is on the mortgage? Is it being paid? What is happening to your credit?
After I fled my AH, I learned that because I was named second on joint bank accounts and credit cards, AH, as first on the accounts could and did remove me from all the credit cards.
There is a lot more here to think about than whether you believe him or not and want to take him back or not.
May be time for a free consultation by phone with an attorney in the jurisdiction where your assets are. There are also residency issues since you have moved that you need to know about to make good financial decisions for you and your son.
Filing for divorce now can freeze your joint assets and keep him from dissipating them, anf the opportunity for reconciliation is always there.
In the meantime, open a couple of general purpose credit card accounts in your own name with as high a credit limit as you can get so you have access to funds if you need them. Open your own band accounts, and put away as much money as you can.
If it were me, I'd get a bulldog attorney, pay him on a credit card account your husband is named first on, file a tough fault divorce and then see how your AH's behavior is. If he straightens up, gets sober, works a program for a year, then he may be worth taking back.
If he doesn't, then you know for real what you know now but just don't want to believe. And you have a tough advocate for you and your son before the assets are dissipated.
Keep the power in your court, not his. Now you are always waiting to see what he does while he makes excuses and buys more time for his addictions, not his family. You are the hostage. Set it up so he loses everything UNLESS he profoundly changes his behavior and you'll soon know the truth.
By the way, I wouldn't say anything about the woman - just have the divorce lawyer charge adultery as one reason for the divorce, and just let him stew. Don't need to accommodate him for a Christmas visit, either.
Fom my experience, better to be safe than sorry. Take what you want, leave the rest, said with compassion and concern.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Catherine628
Anyway do I tell him I know he has someone living there?
why not ??
if he truly wants to work things out between you two
and admits that a Lady is living with him
you might just let him know
that just don't add up right !
MB
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 339
Great advice Shooting Star. I've looked into some of those things. Have my own cards and account that I've been building up. Mortgage is being paid and is in both names. Unfortunately he has always been controlling with finances. Lots of stuff in his name only. I will need a good lawyer.
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