Questioning Ladies Please Heed This . . .
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Questioning Ladies Please Heed This . . .
I have seen the questioning "Am I or am I not?", so many times on this forum. Honestly, I feel like I am constantly in that questioning state. I pray a lot about this and I think I got my answer yesterday. If you will recall, I came to SR looking for information about my mother's drinking, but I also came to grips with my own demons and I quit drinking 74 days ago. I had to disinvite my parents to my son's birthday dinner and my daughter's chorus concert yesterday because at 8:30 in the morning, my mother was obviously wasted when I was talking on the telephone with her. I did not want to spend the day worrying about what state she would be in at my daughter's elementary school. Of course, I got the drunken wrath, but I stood my ground for my kids and for my sanity. I posted the rest of the story on my October class thread. Please see below:
So, my mother called this morning and tried to blow it all off. When she realized that wasn't going to work, she did a half-hearted apology, but was obviously feeling sorry for herself and my father that they didn't get to see my daughter's Christmas show and obviously, she thinks that I am at fault for that. Ladies, especially, please heed my story. I am a woman in my early 40s. I question whether I am an alcoholic all of the time. Yes, I have had plenty of "out of control" drinking episodes, but I also have had plenty of times of "in control" of alcohol. Bottom line, when my mother was in her 40s she probably drank less that I did. She had chardonnay most nights, but I don't recall really seeing her drunk/drunk until she was in her 50s. Even 5 years ago (my mom is now in her 60s), I would have sworn on my children that she would never drink in the mornings; that she would never come to a family event that including her grandchildren wasted; that she would never drink days on end. Today, I only talk to my mom in the mornings because USUALLY that is the only time that she is not drinking. She used to be beautiful (she was a model, my friends called her the movie star mom). She is now usually disheveled, bloated, chubby, red-eyed _ not beautiful. She has chronic bathroom issues that have to be related to drinking, but she refuses to go to a doctor. I literally told her today that she was killing herself with alcohol and she claimed she knew all that. Still, her last words to me today were to make it clear to me that she would still be having her cocktails and that I could not control her. She missed her granddaughter's chorus program yesterday and her biggest concern was to keep her drink on. Bottom line, anyone who likes the buzz from alcohol and who has had "out of control moments", is more than likely to turn into a problem drinker and it is a progressive disease. With huge heartache, I am watching it happen right in front of my eyes. I feel like part of my mother is already dead. I vowed to my two eldest sons yesterday that they would NEVER feel the heartache and worry that I have felt with my mother. I know I am not nearly "that bad", but I can tell you that she drank less than I did (in her early 40s) when I quit.
So, my mother called this morning and tried to blow it all off. When she realized that wasn't going to work, she did a half-hearted apology, but was obviously feeling sorry for herself and my father that they didn't get to see my daughter's Christmas show and obviously, she thinks that I am at fault for that. Ladies, especially, please heed my story. I am a woman in my early 40s. I question whether I am an alcoholic all of the time. Yes, I have had plenty of "out of control" drinking episodes, but I also have had plenty of times of "in control" of alcohol. Bottom line, when my mother was in her 40s she probably drank less that I did. She had chardonnay most nights, but I don't recall really seeing her drunk/drunk until she was in her 50s. Even 5 years ago (my mom is now in her 60s), I would have sworn on my children that she would never drink in the mornings; that she would never come to a family event that including her grandchildren wasted; that she would never drink days on end. Today, I only talk to my mom in the mornings because USUALLY that is the only time that she is not drinking. She used to be beautiful (she was a model, my friends called her the movie star mom). She is now usually disheveled, bloated, chubby, red-eyed _ not beautiful. She has chronic bathroom issues that have to be related to drinking, but she refuses to go to a doctor. I literally told her today that she was killing herself with alcohol and she claimed she knew all that. Still, her last words to me today were to make it clear to me that she would still be having her cocktails and that I could not control her. She missed her granddaughter's chorus program yesterday and her biggest concern was to keep her drink on. Bottom line, anyone who likes the buzz from alcohol and who has had "out of control moments", is more than likely to turn into a problem drinker and it is a progressive disease. With huge heartache, I am watching it happen right in front of my eyes. I feel like part of my mother is already dead. I vowed to my two eldest sons yesterday that they would NEVER feel the heartache and worry that I have felt with my mother. I know I am not nearly "that bad", but I can tell you that she drank less than I did (in her early 40s) when I quit.
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Double dragons your message put chills up and down my arms! I will not soon forget you or your story! Thank you for this post. Moms have to stick together we are not allowed to fall apart until..... We fall apart!
I'm glad you found recovery and this site you're doing amazing for someone who was only seeking support for another! Your family is blessed to have a momma like you.....the lion tamer
I'm glad you found recovery and this site you're doing amazing for someone who was only seeking support for another! Your family is blessed to have a momma like you.....the lion tamer
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Whoa!! I really needed to hear this today. I too question whether i really have a drinking problem. You are right . . .we need to remember that this is a progressive disease. One day i could be that person drinking in the morning. Truthfully there were a couple of times i tried it. I never want to be there. . .thats a scary place. Thanks again! I was having big cravings today. Your post whipped me back into shape. God bless!
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DoubleDragons, my mother was an alcoholic and my mantra growing up was 'I will never be like her'. Well, I didn't drink at all until my mid-forties. But, when I started, I was drinking alcoholically almost from the start. Of course, I denied it to myself and ended up wasting three years of my life.
If you think there is any chance you might be an alcoholic, why not stop drinking? What is so important to you about drinking that you think you will miss? It's a fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking.
If you think there is any chance you might be an alcoholic, why not stop drinking? What is so important to you about drinking that you think you will miss? It's a fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it will get worse unless you stop drinking.
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Saw a pretty incredible pic that reminded me of youAttachment 20460
Attachment 20460 Last edited by ImperfectlyMe; 12-31-2013 at 01:42 PM.
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DD, thank you for your clarity. I have heard the saying "get dressed up to get messed up" and I think I was headed that way. I kind of lurked with a crowd that ran pretty fast so I wasn't the "worst"….I sort of knew because I grew up going to AA with my mother, but it crept up quietly and late.
I think as mothers we do so much for our children, but when I hear the pain that we could prevent, even as our children become adults, it reaffirms my decision. It is so hard to see someone who is clinging to something that is hurting them so much. I think when alcoholism hits later in life it can sometimes have the capacity to creep into the spaces that getting older naturally frees up.
I really believe that we are seeing the beginning of something that is very important and that I hope will change the way we approach alcoholism/addiction. I think the convergence of social media and science will hopefully begin to catch a lot more people before they lose absolutely everything. I'm 48 and I had a few binges in my 20's, and because of my past I tried a program, but I had a hard time identifying. I could have quit very easily then, I would go a couple of weeks and not even think of drinking. But there was nothing like SR then, no internet (I know I sound like Wilma Flintstone)..so little information readily available.
I look at all the people who stumble across this site, and how helpful SR has been to so many in helping them sort out their drinking issues, come to terms, find help, and especially realize they are not alone. DD, I am so inspired when I read your posts. It is pretty amazing to be able to be honest and realistic about what is going on around you, and it is not always the fun or easy thing to do, but it is the clear and honest way to approach life.
I am not sure if the incidence of alcoholics/addicts in the general population is shifting, but I do believe that more people are able to understand the progression so much earlier. Your mom is still young, and sometimes opening the door just a crack gives someone a chance to see something they want on the other side. My mother's mother never got sober, my mother got sober when I was 13, I got sober…..I know that my sobriety has to be impacted by what I saw and know. I guess what I am trying to share is that I hope that even though alcohol/drug issues may run within families, I am envisioning a future where sobriety is shared among generations too. I believe things are tipping in the right direction.
I think as mothers we do so much for our children, but when I hear the pain that we could prevent, even as our children become adults, it reaffirms my decision. It is so hard to see someone who is clinging to something that is hurting them so much. I think when alcoholism hits later in life it can sometimes have the capacity to creep into the spaces that getting older naturally frees up.
I really believe that we are seeing the beginning of something that is very important and that I hope will change the way we approach alcoholism/addiction. I think the convergence of social media and science will hopefully begin to catch a lot more people before they lose absolutely everything. I'm 48 and I had a few binges in my 20's, and because of my past I tried a program, but I had a hard time identifying. I could have quit very easily then, I would go a couple of weeks and not even think of drinking. But there was nothing like SR then, no internet (I know I sound like Wilma Flintstone)..so little information readily available.
I look at all the people who stumble across this site, and how helpful SR has been to so many in helping them sort out their drinking issues, come to terms, find help, and especially realize they are not alone. DD, I am so inspired when I read your posts. It is pretty amazing to be able to be honest and realistic about what is going on around you, and it is not always the fun or easy thing to do, but it is the clear and honest way to approach life.
I am not sure if the incidence of alcoholics/addicts in the general population is shifting, but I do believe that more people are able to understand the progression so much earlier. Your mom is still young, and sometimes opening the door just a crack gives someone a chance to see something they want on the other side. My mother's mother never got sober, my mother got sober when I was 13, I got sober…..I know that my sobriety has to be impacted by what I saw and know. I guess what I am trying to share is that I hope that even though alcohol/drug issues may run within families, I am envisioning a future where sobriety is shared among generations too. I believe things are tipping in the right direction.
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Thanks so much for this post, DD. My mother is also an alcoholic but I never really thought so because she always seemed to drink the same amount and rarely did I see her really drunk.
Until about ten years ago. That's when the slide began and it has steadily gotten worse. She's now is her late sixties and I also now only speak to her in the mornings because I know that 75% of the time, at night, she won't remember the conversation. It's so heartbreaking because she is such a smart and engaging person (and beautiful) and I thought she was "immune" for so many years since she never seemed to be affected negatively and rarely got drunk. So, yes, no matter how late you start or how long you are able to "control" your drinking, it does come for you eventually.
I started a little later than my mom but, like Anna, it came for me immediately. An alcoholic from likely the first sip.
Sometimes, as awful as the past fifteen years of drinking have been, I think that maybe I was actually the lucky one.
Thanks again for this post!
Until about ten years ago. That's when the slide began and it has steadily gotten worse. She's now is her late sixties and I also now only speak to her in the mornings because I know that 75% of the time, at night, she won't remember the conversation. It's so heartbreaking because she is such a smart and engaging person (and beautiful) and I thought she was "immune" for so many years since she never seemed to be affected negatively and rarely got drunk. So, yes, no matter how late you start or how long you are able to "control" your drinking, it does come for you eventually.
I started a little later than my mom but, like Anna, it came for me immediately. An alcoholic from likely the first sip.
Sometimes, as awful as the past fifteen years of drinking have been, I think that maybe I was actually the lucky one.
Thanks again for this post!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Indiana
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That was a deep and moving reminder of how out-of-control drinking can become. Thank you so much for sharing it here. I'm sorry to hear that about your mother but I'm so happy to hear that you have chosen not to go down that path. You are giving your children the best gift you could possibly give them. You are fantastic!
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