Justwantnormal

The one and only boundary I've articulated thus far with AH is that I will not have sex with him when he's been drinking. I put this boundary up over a year ago, and he still acts surprised (and wounded) every time I say 'no' to him. Which is a lot! My guess is that he's trying to manipulate the situation and not that he's actually surprised by it, but it's incredibly annoying. Last Thursday night I once again said 'no' and explained again that I had no interest since he'd been drinking. His response was, "well that sucks, I haven't even had that much" (he was *only* 3 drinks in at that point) and then proceeded to storm off and pound some back, go to bed without saying anything to me and then give me the silent treatment the whole next day as well. I left it alone because often when he acts like this he'll admit later that he was upset with himself, not me. That next night was his work Christmas party though, so he couldn't avoid me any longer. On the way to the party he asks me if something is wrong? "Ummmm... really?! I've spent the last 24 hours feeling like you're angry with me!". His response, "well I'm not angry, per se...". Is this delusion or manipulation?! And who wants to say no to intimacy with their own husband all the time?! The more I think about it, the more upside-down this marriage seems :/

SparkleKitty

This is part and parcel to the dance of addiction. If he pretends he doesn't know the rules and asks anyway he wins no matter what -- either you have sex with him anyway (double-win for him because now he knows you don't stick to boundaries) or you don't and boom! He has an excuse to get plastered and it's all your fault!

This can go in circles forever. Best thing you can do is stick to your boundaries and let him worry about what he needs/wants/feels, etc.

hopeful4

I call it the blame game. Any circumstances of their drinking they try to pin on someone else, in this case..you. I don't allow it either, it is my boundary that I don't allow that game at all. It has helped me to remind myself of this and I very calmly remind my AH of this too. I don't fight about it or carry on about it, just say, nope, I am not interested in owning your consequences. I don't really care if it makes him mad or not.

However..I do agree. What kind of a marriage is it when you are forced to form all of these boundaries to protect yourself emoationally?

cgfox

I tried setting up boundaries. It worked for a while... not for long though. And since I didn't act on it (my fault) well after that everything kinda fell apart because he got sick anyway. I don't really have any advice for you, I'm sorry. ~hugs~

Hammer

I suppose . . . . you could ask . . . . early in the day . . . .

"So you drinking or f---ing tonight? I am just making my plans early."

NO. Do Not Do That.

-------------------

Really. No Good Advice on This. Think it is weird you? Swap genders.

I guess if I cut her off during crazy, there would be little to none. hmmmm, suppose sometimes it has been on and off like that over the last year.

m1k3

Justwantnormal, just so you know that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. It is a way he keeps the focus on him by making you guess what he wants or why he is angry or if he is even angry.

My AW used this a lot as well as the if you loved me you'd know what was wrong tactic.

Your friend,

dandylion

Justwantnormal---If I might "piggyback" on what Sparklekitty posted...the denial that surrounds their drinking, also tells the alcoholic that drinking is not that big of a deal (to them)--so, why is it such a big deal to you. Invariably, the alcoholic minimizes and does not fully comprehend the damage that their drinking does to their loved ones.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Yes, yes, and YES. And after awhile, after living with another person's persistent denial and minimization of What is Actually Freaking Happening, we are left with little choice but to think WE must be the ones who are crazy. It can be so amazingly difficult to keep one's eyes open when this dizzying dance is underway.

Justwantnormal

Wonderfully put hopeful4! I'm getting to the point where his reactions don't phase me (as much). I used to drive myself crazy feeling terrible that I'd upset him or beat myself up over not being what he wanted, stress over whether or not I'd just overreacted, etc. I think I've pretty much detached emotionally now though, although it wasn't intentional. I've just slowly stopped caring. That in itself is what upsets me most

Carlotta

This is brilliant and sound just like something I would say LOL

HikerLady

That boundary has been a tough one in our house for my AH. I've stuck to it and it really wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. When I started working on myself and focusing on me it finally hit me that I've allowed myself to be his mistress in the past (the bottle is who he is committed to, not me). He, ofcourse, views it as a punishment for his shameful drinking..oh woe is he...I view it as a logical response to not being in love with the alcoholic in him and learning to let go of my co dependence on him. I miss that witty kind man I married very very much and I am baby stepping my way towards a life apart from the alcoholic he has become.

Hammer

Hey welcome here, HikerLady.

There is nothing like THIS topic to bring new folks into the discussions.

And Yeah. That baby-stepping is what we call "Detachment." No real long-term way you would want to live -- but it gets you some safe distance.

Hammer

Yeah, THAT is why YOU are sleeping with just the Cat(s) again, tonight.

HikerLady

HA! Yeah, I've been reading almost daily for 2 months now. I've related to so much that I've read and could have signed up and joined in before BUT OH BOY did this one get me onboard. Yes I am detatching and getting better and better, but obviously not so much that it doesn't stir up my anger at him still, ooohh man it's a toughy for me because the reality was this lack of sex gave him the excuse to go elsewhere (pfft the jerk). Heck yeah I am mad as heck at him and rightly so, but it don't change what it is. Thanks for the welcome! I tried to do a separate intro post but it got lost during submission. I'll try again later.

Missus

I never verbalised this, but this kind of ended up being a boundary of mine ... it's your right not to be intimate with someone if you don't want to, and if your partner isn't fully there for you (emotionally or physically), why would you want to?

lillamy

Hammer, you are the best. Thank you.

DMC

This was my biggest boundary. In fact, one evening I just laid it out for him UN style... and imposed a moratorium on sex until we sorted things out or he got sober as if he were North Korea. That was just another nail in the coffin of our marriage, but it was a relief.

AnvilheadII

just to add....no one should ever feel forced to engage in sexual acts if they are not so inclined....regardless of drinking/drugging or whatever. just CUZ. we each are autonomous beings and our bodies and our intimacy belong to US, and us alone. the only On Demand is on Comcast.

not in the mood? too tired? some physical impediment? all ok. if a relationship hangs on how much sex one gets then it's not a RELATION-SHIP - two equals in a vessel each with an oar - it becomes an objectification of the other....YOU are here to please me, meet MY needs, give me what I want when I want it. obligation and insistence void the contract. IMHO.