needingabreak

Surprise, surprise SR family. My son's behavior as you know has changed, He missed his therapy appointment, he broke up with his girlfriend and is back with the one no one likes and he said he wanted to keep his check to buy Christmas gifts and I do not believe he has bought any and was out of money by Monday. His pay by the month phone minutes are out and he has not added any which also is a red flag. My husband is beside himself and feels like he wants to give up on life he is so overwrought.

I am doing ok because I know I cannot control him nor his behavior. My husband says he has ruined Christmas. I told him only if he allows it. I have two other children and two grandchildren who need our attention.

I have to say I am handling it better than before. I too have the tools to deal with it. I called his therapist and left a message. Last time he never called me back but at least I have made him aware. I am going to tell him he either submits to a drug test or all his belongings will be brought to his work. I will tell his boss and his friends. He can choose. He has known his boss all his life and would die if she found out. If he does confess to it, I am not quite sure what to say. He needs to get help and we are tapped out after his stint at rehab and month of sober living. Plane fares, paying things while he was gone. We are done. I don't know if the outpatient place he goes will give him an emergency appointment.
Any suggestions to what we could do IF he tells us yes he has relapsed? He is 30 and can figure it out himself but how do we know if he is truly seeking help? He currently lives with us although pretty much spends all his time at the new girlfriends place. I doubt she is aware because she would be livid if she knew. Any and all words of wisdom and suggestions welcome!

Txhelp

I am so very sorry.....you are on this roller coaster. He is living life on his terms. What are your terms? It doesn't sound fantastic that he is living with you at this point.

Give the drama to him! You don't belong in his drama....he can figure out what to do. Let him feel the pain and consequences.

I know it very difficult as a mom! I know...ugh. Both of my young adult are in this process of rehab; jail; sobriety; probation etc. Neither are living with me and I feel peaceful but worry creeps up on a daily basis.

Give him the drug test..if he's positive let him know the consequences. I would let him figure this out.

Let go or be dragged.

hopeful4

I agree with Txhelp. He is a 30 year old adult, time to find out the consequences of what he is doing and if he truly wants help to let him set it up for himself. You cannot will it for him, you cannot continue to drain yourself financially and emoationally to bail him out. I heard recently if you keep taking away the pain and consequences for an addict you are actually hurting them and their potential for recovery. That really resonated with me as I had never really thought about it that way.

I hope you are able to have some semblance of a holiday with the rest of your family, they deserve that and you do too.

Hawkeye13

I agree, you've done all you can.
I would show him the door no matter what.
If he is ever to have a chance, he needs to take charge for himself.
You have other children and grandchildren to consider, as you say

but more importantly you and your husband clearly need to step back
and recover from the unending trouble you've been dealing with.

That is not selfish, but essential. Please encourage your husband
to work more actively on recovery and detachment.
You both need a break.

elissa1962

"I know I cannot control him nor his behavior" What do you think you are doing by threatening to tell his work and friends? Just saying

needingabreak

Thank you everyone for your words of wisdom and support. I decided awhile ago I would not save him again nor help him. Whatever he decides to do is on him and he faces the consequences. It has been stressful having him here for many various reasons.
I agree with those of you who said we deserve to have our own peace and I have been pulling away and living my own life and trying not to focus on his even though he seems to continually make bad or stupid choices. He is extremely immature and acts more like a 16 year old.

His therapist called me back within the hour and I explained everything that has been going on. He was surprised he had broken up with his GF and was back with the other one. He agreed it sounded like he may have relapsed and asked me to have him come up and take a test. At first, when I called my son this morning, he was angry and accusing me of treating him like a child (yes because you are an addict and act like one). He is in MY home and I have every right to ask him about drug use while he lives here. If he doesn't like it he is free to move out. He has been told this. He ranted and raved and this was before I had spoken to his therapist. Once I called my son to tell him I spoke to his therapist and gave him the message he changed his tune. He agreed to go right after work, said he understood why I was upset, then told me he didn't want to tell me but he took the new GF to the mall, bought things, dinner and groceries for her house since he stays there sometimes.

No I am not thrilled you blew your money (money you cannot spare!) on your GF but if that is how you want to spend it, whatever! I asked him if he believed it was better for me to believe he spent the money on drugs instead of blowing it on his GF. Really? He then said he did smoke pot. Oh, is pot not a drug now? Are we supposed to be thrilled that you smoked pot instead of using opiates? We will get the results when he goes to his therapy session on Tuesday. I am letting the therapist deal with him. My husband and I are laying down the law and telling him we are at our wits end. I am so done with his constant stress and drama. I told my husband I want to give him a move out date.

Hopeful and Hawkeye thank you for your kind words and wishes for a more peaceful home life. I plan on having a wonderful Christmas no matter what.

Elissa, telling his friends and boss, who is my friend, is not controlling him. It is letting others know so they do not get manipulated or lied to and screwed over. I hid his addiction before and refuse to do it again. As others have said here, helping him in any way only hinders his chance of recovery. He wants to do drugs he faces the consequences and hiding it only helps him. He needs to feel uncomfortable. Thanks for the thought though.

sojourner

It is refreshing that you know pot to be a drug and that smoking pot is a relapse. Someone on here is struggling with the idea of pot and its place in a drug-free life.

Anyway, NeedingABreak, you are doing well. I am sure your recovery has been hard-fought because it sounds like you are not willing to give it up for your drug-using son and the manipulations that go with it.

Merry Christmas!

needingabreak

Thank you Sojourner. Pot is absolutely a drug! If it causes you the ability to zone out and escape life, its a drug!!!! Opiate or marijuana, you are just substituting one for the other! Id say the same about alcohol! No question in my mind!

He knows he is on very thin ice right now and treading lightly. He gave me most of his check money to hold (he has bills coming due). Hopefully he is back on track. Unfortunately his GF woyld love him to spend it all on her. Who cares if he has major debt and bills to pay. Great influence and her home is where he has been smoking pot. he has to figure it all out for himself though. Praying his therapist will help him do that. I am done doing any of it! Merry Christmas to to you too! I finished my shopping today. My daughter leaves for Florida with her family next Friday (and my grandkids so we exchange gifts next week.