Nikkie34

Hey guys!!!

I am on here for advice and tips on supporting my recovering husband. He will be coming home from a treatment facility this week and I just want to make sure that I am as prepared to help and support him as possible. I am not a drinker so there won't be alcohol readily available at home and I have tried to remove as many triggers from our house as I could think of including a quilt that he burned with cigarettes while drunk but other than that I am not sure what I should do. Any advice is welcome but I would really love advice from other recovering addicts/alcoholics.

Whiterhino24

you are very loving. I would say just be patient with him and try to get him to social events that dont include drinking. Keep him busy when you see him start to withdraw from you or other people. When he starts to isolate worry about that being a sign of wanting to drink and feeling self pity.

hokey

Hi Nikki ... welcome to SR! Your husband is a lucky man to have you in his corner I am a mere 18 days sober and I know that my MAIN focus is on my sobriety. I spend a lot of time and energy on it, lots of hours on here and at meetings. My BF is very supportive as well, but I think he sometimes feels like I am ignoring him. This is MY perception, something I really need to address this weekend. (He works out of town all week, so you understand that I don't REALLY ignore him all day every day LOL) He doesn't have a drinking problem, so it's difficult for him to truly understand things like triggers and associations and slippery slopes and all that stuff that us alcoholics totally "get". I just tell him that he doesn't have to understand, but he does have to respect that I know myself and I know what I need to do to stay sober (mainly coming on here and screaming for help from the wonderful folks around this forum). It's hard on him, I know it is ... no cakewalk for either of us as we make this journey. I am fortunate that he is there, and that we are doing it as together as we can. I wish you both the BEST of luck!

(My way of giving advice is sharing my story ... hope it helps)

FluffUSPS

My family was a little over-supportive at first. But eventually they settled down and started to accept my new life. My brother poured out all the booze. He also moved upstairs so I wouldn't feel isolated. Other than that he gave me space. I realized that I need support and understanding from my family. But it's MY recovery. They can only do, or be expected to do, so much. It's hard to find the boundary between support and patronizing. I needed to just settle in myself...get used to the new me. Right out of rehab I was still messed up, mixed up, and weak. But as time passed I got back on my feet again. The support I got in those first few weeks was like gold to me.

Nikkie34

Thanks you all for responding I do love my husband very much and right now I am feeling very blessed that he has finally began treatment after these past few years. I just want to do right by him. I don't really expect him to be jubilant and raring to go as soon as he gets home but I would like to help him as much as possible. You know, if he does slip and have a drink I want to be able to say that tomorrow is another day. As of right now, he has an amazing outlook on life. He is ready to get back to work (in the last year and a half he has only worked 2 months), he is ready to lose weight (he has gained almost 100 lbs in the past 3 years), and he wants to draw closer to God and his children. If he does slip, would it be a good idea for me to remind him of these resolutions? As kindly as possible of course.

MythOfSisyphus

Can't add much to what the others have said, just be there for him, don't treat him like he's "sick" and keep him accountable. Don't let him make excuses for bad behavior and treat him like an adult. Not that you wouldn't, I just mean don't treat him like glass.

trudgingagain

In terms of reminding him of his resolutions....what is his plan to stay sober? Reminders, may serve as other ways of "beating himself up", which we tend to do....incomprehensible demoralization happens when waking up after a "slip", "relapse", last night's drunk", etc. So, if he has a "plan" or a "program", he might not need reminders...just support...have you looked into Al-anon or other programs to support family/friends of alcoholics?

cheebiechi

Hey Nikkie,

Well to be honest you sound just like my wife, It was and is amazing to see her growth and knowledge She does not drink, so we had that going, she threw away and found all my hidings of alcohol and got it out of the house, and when I came home she was as loving and supportive as ever. Along with me doing my thing , such as going to meetings reading my AA book, she was growing as well, going to al-anon meetings as well with reading literature and books too. I am rally happy to see you being so supportive, just try not to smother him, but maybe explain to him you are there for him for anything he needs. He will make new friends so try not to be jealous, most of the time an alcoholic needs another alcoholic to talk to and ask questions to improve and strengthen their own sobriety!!

If you have anymore questions or want an alchy view don't hesitate to message me!!

Have a super day and Welcome
Matt

least

to SR! Your husband is lucky to have you on his side. Just be supportive without being overbearing.

IOAA2

Hi. You sound like a fine supporting wife. I strongly suggest spouses in this situation go to Al Anon, even when we don't want to. Many times spouses get into traps that alcoholics are expert at setting up such as blaming others if we slip up etc. Times will get better and at times will be bumpy as recovery is a slow process at times and there is no predictability about it. I suggest to people that support is great but we can't get anyone drunk or sober, it's all up to the individual.

BE WELL

malcolmsloan

Hi,I'm also new to sobriety (three weeks today), and my wife is very supportive (though she is struggling with drinking, too, a bit of a different dynamic), but I do know that the only thing that has got me this far is myself, my plan, my approach. My wife supports me 100%, but it is ALL me and my plan. This sounds selfish, but its true. I love her and appreciate her support, but I was not able to even begin this journey until I realized that it does not matter what's going on around me, this is my journey, my life. So I agree strongly that your husband's plan-and the many complexities that come with keeping and maintaining a plan-- for staying sober is key. Best of luck to you guys. It warms my heart to hear of the love that you have for him.

MIRecovery

I found my wife being involved in my recovery was helpful, she went to IOP, AA with me. She went to alanon for herself, she read the big book and other recovery literatue. She was very respectful of me in any situations that involved alcohol. She never ever complained about daily AA meetings or working with my sponsor or others. We still talk about recovery issues on an almost daily basis

LadyinBC

Sounds like you have been given some great advice.

Don't forget to take care of yourself as well so you don't get lost in all this. You matter and need support too!

Nikkie34

CaYrsThis is the only place I have been able to find real advice. I'm not really sure what his plan is at the moment but I am getting ready to start attending Al Anon meetings. My brother who is also a recovering alcoholic is ready to start working out with him when he comes home. As far as smothering goes, I really won't have time. I work around 50 hours a week and it is very important that I keep working because I am scared that our financial situation will make him want to drink again.

Leana

Build up every ounce of patience you can muster and have it ready to use when he gets home. People think often think their "homecoming" will be like in the movies, where the lovers into each others arms. It not....It's hard. It's emotion filled, it's often walking on egg shells, it's resentment filled, it's anger, it's moodiness, it's often depression. It's tough. It takes adjustment and patience. And then...if you're lucky...it gets better...in our case a lot better!

p.s. this was my daughter not a spouse, so maybe that is different but I doubt it since we were warned about these emotion filled days by the counselors during family group.)

SnoozyQ

Kudos to you Nikkie

What a wonderful supportive wife you are .

He is very lucky to have you in his corner xxx

Whiterhino24

I wish my wife would read this. She talked to me in rehab but as soon as I got out she had nothing to do with me.