New- Trying to get my ducks in a row.

Old 12-10-2013, 10:01 PM
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New- Trying to get my ducks in a row.

First, I've been reading the posts on this site for almost 2 weeks before I had the courage to sign up tonight. It's been insightful and has helped me through the process and I thank you for that.

Second, I'm married to an alcoholic. He works every day and is the boss, he runs every morning, we do not have money problems, he's never out at bars or MIA on benders. He doesn't physical abuse me or yell at me. But he's an alcoholic and just because things look shiny on the outside, doesn't mean it's not a terribly sad situation.

We have a baby and I have Post Partum Anxiety. Through my treatment and my weekly counseling group I finally opened up to them about the alcoholism and my counselor recommended Co Dependent No More...........WOW....almost finished with it and what a life changer.

I have been practicing detachment, and what do you know, my husband came to me and wanted to share how much he's been drinking. He told me a pint of vodka a day on the drive home and a fifth of vodka on the weekend, plus any beers he has. He cried and cried, saying he needs help...... (I've heard this too many times to count).

Because he's an addict, I am assuming he's underestimating which is so sad. He has been lying for a long time about his alcohol use, admitting there was a major problem, but that it wasn't a daily problem. Now he admits it's been a daily habit for over a year. He's been a heavy drinker since he was a teenager and he's 36 now.

Since he has shared this with me, I haven't chastised him or guilt tripped him, simply said I hope you get the help you need. Only you can make that decision.

But I have made a decision, I no longer want to live with alcoholism. It's recommended not to make any major decisions during Post Partum Anxiety treatment, yet I want to get my ducks in a row.

I need to save money, find a job, etc. any other tips?

I'm angry at myself for allowing myself to be in this situation and for bringing a child into this situation (although he adores her and loves to be with her, it doesn't change the facts. Daddy is an alcohol.....I'm so sorry my dear baby)

Thank you
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Old 12-10-2013, 10:31 PM
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Welcome, but sorry you have need to be here. And congratulations on the new baby! I know postpartum just adds a whole other layer of complicated on top of everything else. While I agree on not making hasty decisions, I think you know your judgment about his alcoholism is sound. Definitely don't act on anything immediately, but maybe consult an attorney (most first appointments are free) to find out what your rights are as his wife. You don't have to do anything with the information, but at least you'll have it.

My best tip would be to set up your support system. You've already gotten a start on that by posting here. My other tip is to cut yourself some slack. Even the smartest of us have ended up in unhealthy relationships. Addicts and abusers are masters at their game. We may have gotten swindled into it, but that doesn't mean we're stuck. Practice self care; focus your energy on taking care of yourself and that sweet baby of yours. It sounds like you're on the right track. You may slip and backslide a bit, and that's ok. Allow yourself to make mistakes, but be sure to learn from them. You have my support, as well as that of so many wonderful people here at SR.


I wish I could bottle That New Baby Smell. Nothing in the world like it.
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Old 12-10-2013, 10:35 PM
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NWGrits, thank you for the warm welcome and support. It brought tears to my eyes and was just what I needed before heading off to bed.

I've felt so alone for so long. Now I don't. I have others to talk to about it and my sweet little girl to keep me honest.
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Old 12-11-2013, 05:53 AM
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Welcome CD,

If you have been reading . . . guess you know the best path forward is generally Alanon for you, and AA for him. Sounds like he may be able to handle it.

Do you know where Alanon / AA is locally for you.
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:23 AM
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Welcome. I'm new too.
Even though I'm not married and not in your situation, I sympathize.
Vodka is evil. It's my bf/ex 's alcohol of choice. A pint a day, and when he's not working, two... and then drugs, usually.

With what you're telling us, it's clear you're not supposed to rush things. So take some time to think things through, and start detaching yourself from him.
I did a lot of things wrong with my bf because I wasn't prepared and was learning about how to deal with addicts (guilt, for instance -but he was doing it too, in his own way).
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:35 AM
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Hi Hammer- Yes, I went to one Al-Anon meeting, I'll try and make another one this week. I was quite shocked as I expected it to be a large group and there was just 5 of us.
The only step my husband has taken in regards to his recovery was getting a prescription of Antabuse...... Which he's never taken, yet packed with us a we've moved around the world.

Fox- Sorry you're in a similar situation, how are you holding up now?
Thanks for your support.

This might be a question that can't be answered........Do I tell him I plan to leave? He's knows we're "stuck" as we live abroad and each time I leave with her I need notarized consent.

Thanks again
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:47 AM
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Welcome ...and sorry you're here at the same time I'm new here as well and our stories are very similar. My husband owns his own very successful business, we're very well off financially, he never heads out to bars solo (unless it's a night out with the boys), never yells or becomes physically abusive and *was* a great father when sober during the days (that's starting to slip though). He only drinks at night, usually after the kids are in bed, but it's every night and it's a lot. Vodka is his drink of choice as well. Most nights is a pint (never less) and then a few glasses of wine on top. It is incredibly lonely to be married to an alcoholic - I feel you completely on that one. They can be right there in the same room as you for hours and you still feel completely alone. My boys (I have two - aged 3 and 2) are my lifeline. And they know it. I wish I had advice for you, but I'm exactly where you are. In fact, a little behind you as I'm still trying to figure out which ducks I want to line up and which ones I want to kick to the curb. Just wanted to say 'Hi' and thanks for sharing. It is comforting, although incredibly sad, to know their are people out there that understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. Hugs
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:52 AM
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I'm trying. It's hard. I packed almost a month ago now (time flies, even though it feels like days are sloooow). We talked for a couple of weeks but he was pretending like everything was fine. After an argument and a period of silence, he's back texting/calling -saying he's going to change, but it won't be easy, and he won't get clean if I'm not back in his life.
I'm very lost, and I guess the only advice I could tell you is, saying he needs help is not enough. Mine has been telling me he wants to quick drinking (and drugging) for more than a year, but never took actions. That's part of what I keep telling myself to avoir running back in his arms.
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Old 12-11-2013, 06:58 AM
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Originally Posted by cgfox View Post
After an argument and a period of silence, he's back texting/calling -saying he's going to change, but it won't be easy, and he won't get clean if I'm not back in his life.
This is manipulation. He will or won't get clean regardless of what you do.
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Old 12-11-2013, 07:18 AM
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Originally Posted by CaribbeanDream View Post
Hi Hammer- Yes, I went to one Al-Anon meeting, I'll try and make another one this week. I was quite shocked as I expected it to be a large group and there was just 5 of us.
Well GOOD FOR YOU.

Do not worry about Big or Small. Some vary widely by time or day or weather. Some of the best groups (for me, now) are smaller. We tend to talk more openly about deeper topics.

Would suggest you bump up the Priority to "I Will Make . . ." (not nagging, just saying elevate it above "try.") Lunch, Sleep, doing the Dishes -- all that stuff you can skip or do later. Most Alanons are good with babies, as well. Only One You and the kid is going to be counting on you. Once you find "Your Meeting" -- make it a Healthy Habit.

The rest -- Wow. He has Antabuse? Guess he knows he has a "problem."

As far as what to tell him? I would suggest you tell him you are in Alanon (truth, right? If you do not fear some repercussions ) and that you would like him to consider trying AA (also, true, correct?). Not nagging, nor any sort of threat -- just calm information.

AND THEN "Let Go and Let God." You Work Your Program. You may be pleased with the results.
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Old 12-11-2013, 07:27 AM
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Yes, good advice here.
Build your own recovery and support system.
See if he will go to AA but the way Hammer said--as info, not ultimatum.

I don't think I would tell him about maybe leaving.
You are "trapped" as you say because of the baby and you don't
know how he will react. Maybe fine, but what if he gets angry
and blocks you? If you can't move out and make a living there,
what next if you can't go home to country of origin?

I would bide my time, seek support, consult lawyer if possible but
please note that confidentiality may not be as "safe" on a small island
where often everyone knows each other--more like a small town.
If it is a big place, go to someone outside your immediate area.

I think you are doing very well and congrats on your baby girl
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:06 AM
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And that my friend is why he won't get clean. That is a huge form of manipulation. It is emoational hijacking! If he wants to get clean, he will have to do it because HE wants it and because he realizes he has to do it for him. I too have had my AH say this to me, but no more. I won't be manipulated anymore and he knows it. If he chooses not to get clean he will have to face his own ramifications of that. I think he is seeing that because I have been sticking to my boundaries quite well, but it has taken years of going to Celebrate Recovery and therapy for me to realize it.

In hindsight, I wish I had left when my children were babies. It would be alot easier I believe than now that they are older and understand what is going on. They would not have known any differently if I had done so.

Good Luck and God Bless! Keep posting, you are not alone!

Originally Posted by cgfox View Post
. After an argument and a period of silence, he's back texting/calling -saying he's going to change, but it won't be easy, and he won't get clean if I'm not back in his life.
.
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:25 AM
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Hello to those will similar situations, Its too bad but as you mentioned feels good that we are not alone.

Wonderful points made by members here and I appreciate it. I've already told him I go to Al-Anon and he watched our daughter while I went. Good point on changing "try" to "I will". Also great point on making sure there's a safe plan in place before admitting my plans.

It's sad, as I'm sure you know. When he's nice and fun he's a good guy. Great with our daughter, but he has chosen to not help himself yet. When he's drunk, I feel disgust and disappointment seeping through my soul. I gotta work on that. I have done much better with focusing on myself, but must continue that.....

Thanks again
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:26 AM
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Originally Posted by Justwantnormal View Post
Welcome ...and sorry you're here at the same time I'm new here as well and our stories are very similar. My husband owns his own very successful business, we're very well off financially, he never heads out to bars solo (unless it's a night out with the boys), never yells or becomes physically abusive and *was* a great father when sober during the days (that's starting to slip though). He only drinks at night, usually after the kids are in bed, but it's every night and it's a lot. Vodka is his drink of choice as well. Most nights is a pint (never less) and then a few glasses of wine on top. It is incredibly lonely to be married to an alcoholic - I feel you completely on that one. They can be right there in the same room as you for hours and you still feel completely alone. My boys (I have two - aged 3 and 2) are my lifeline. And they know it. I wish I had advice for you, but I'm exactly where you are. In fact, a little behind you as I'm still trying to figure out which ducks I want to line up and which ones I want to kick to the curb. Just wanted to say 'Hi' and thanks for sharing. It is comforting, although incredibly sad, to know their are people out there that understand how you're feeling and what you're going through. Hugs
I am also here in the same place. My AH is exactly the same as both of yours. He is very successful,manages his business, never misses a day of work but drinks every single night. Mine drinks vodka and wine mostly. A bottle of wine or vodka a night most nights plus beers and then goes non-stop on the weekends from the time he gets up until evening. He hides it from me because he knows how I feels about it, so I am not sure exactly how much he drinks anymore.He also is never angry, abusive, argumentative just "not there" for us. I totally understand the loneliness. I live it every day. Its like being married to a wall. Our kids are 5 and 8. I am starting to get my ducks in a row too. Ive been to the attorney's , saved money but its just so hard with kids to know exactly what to do and when to do it. I am taking baby steps and mostly working on myself. I just wanted to say Hi too and let you both know you are not alone. We are all in this together.
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Old 12-11-2013, 08:32 PM
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My situation is similar as well, AH manages his own company and we're financially very sound. He drinks mostly in his car by himself, no longer with friends since I let most of his close friends (all married men) know what has been going on. From the outside, our lives look very shiny and perfect. Two cute, healthy kids, long committed relationship, vacations twice a year, nice cars, clothes, etc. I'm a SAHM but I have a degree in accountancy and could go back to work support myself and our kids BUT I just don't want to share custody with him if he isn't sober and committed to recovery. I don't want our kids exposed to an alcoholic parent without me there to protect them, especially since one is 2 years old and the other is 4 months.

Thankfully, AH is at his 3rd night of AA and I'm cautiously optimistic that he'll stick with it.
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:38 PM
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Hey there. Thanks for sharing and I'm sorry to hear that more people are in the same situation. (Glad we're here to support one another though).

I really relate to the whole fear of your spouse having joint custody. How do the courts view that if someone is an alcoholic?

My husband drinks in the car too. In fact, I never see him drink the Vodka. It makes my life very unpredictable.

Tonight for example, he was drunk. Running around the house trying to make jokes and get my attention. Barf.

Usually he's not so "drunk". And now he's snoring keeping me up. (Which he always denies) Oh and my daughter and I leave tomorrow for vacation, yet he chose to drink EVEN MORE on our last night.

PS. Anyone get the comment " you're so lucky to have such a great provider for a husband" yep money and no emotional intimacy or support. Money makes life much less stressful, but it doesn't buy happiness.

PSS. Why is vodka the drink of choice? Because it's looks like water? Does it have less of a smell than gin? Just curious
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:39 PM
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Stung, I hope AA sticks!
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Old 12-11-2013, 09:51 PM
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Caribbean, Justwant, and Stung....thanks for posting. In a silly way it makes me feel less alone. I was living the shiny life, too, with things looking really good on the outside. But the dark truth was that my charming, successful husband retreated to his wine country estate at night to swill vodka as his family was silently miserable. I felt like the only person in the world dealing with this.

When I got to the point where I could not live with it any longer, it was bad but not horrendous. But I felt like I was living with a plastic bag over my head with holes enough so that I could breathe, but not enough air for me to thrive.

Caribbean, I knew a good year ahead of actually separating that it was coming. I really squared away finances, documents, and squirreled away cash. Had an attorney consult as well. It all paid off as the separation unfolded.
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Old 12-12-2013, 06:13 AM
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Carribean, Yes, when AH is drunk and defensive he makes comments like "who bought you this house and car, glad I'm such a screw up according to you but can still provide all this STUFF for my family." And when I had a few Christmas presents arrive one day and they were on the stoop when he can't home drunk, he started trying to claim that I'm a shopaholic. But my AH is a mean drunk.

His drink of choice is vodka too and I can only tell he's been drinking because he 1. Stinks to the high heavens and 2. He comes home just itching for a fight. According to him, he drinks vodka because it doesn't make him feel bloated and weighed down. That way he can get homered and still keep up his fast food binges as well. Double addictions for the win! I

think he drinks because he can't handle independence and responsibility (this all started after our first daughter was born) and then he binges on nasty fast food because he feels guilty about the drinking. He has some major emotional issues that I'm hoping he gets sorted out ASAP. when I ask AH why he drinks its always an "I don't know." :/
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Old 12-12-2013, 07:59 PM
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Originally Posted by SoaringSpirits View Post
But I felt like I was living with a plastic bag over my head with holes enough so that I could breathe, but not enough air for me to thrive.
This..... A million times..... This.

Thank you for sharing. How did you leave? Did he refuse to get sober or were you done regardless?
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