Suspicions and accusations:
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Suspicions and accusations:
So today there was a lot of this. I took a lighter off the fridge that my was on top of my husbands wallet. It was his lighter and when I went to use it .. it was tweaked out (the big flame). I called and asked him why it was like that .. and he didn't know. He said it was broken and was like that when he got it. Weird.
Then... he was suppose to get my daughter at a certain time from school. I called and told him it was actually 30 minutes earlier than I thought it was .. but he had PLENTY of time. Well, he was late and my daughter was put on the bus (no biggie) but it was the whole point of him making excuses to why he was late. It brought back some serious anger and disappointing feelings from the past. So now my heart is pumping with worry. "OMG, i'm thinking he's using.. I should kick him out... i'm getting those feelings back"
I talk to him. He sounds fine, doesn't sound high. Then he tells me that his sister (his druggy sister) needs a ride to get stuff out of her car she crashed last week. I'm like. OMFG in my head and really losing it now. I told him absolutely not and told him that I think he should move out and I needed a break from all this and I can't deal with going through this and arguing with him over the holidays.
Well, it turns out that everything "seems" normal and there were verifiable excuses for all of the actions he took.
He is working (except today bc of the snow) and giving me a good part of his money every week. He's also not acting "high" and all of his money is accounted for. Plus all of his time bc on normal days he wouldn't have the car. Today he did because I was stuck at work late and used one of the work vehicles to get home 3 hours after I should have. He had both kids and did my usual pick ups last night.
SO, is it just my PTSD from all the hurt, disappointment and lack of trust piling up?? I have to think that it's the lack of trust that I have for him and as he stays with me these old emotions of hurt and trust are surfacing. IT cannot be January soon enough... for him to go into the program. Yes, he's helping me. Yes, I love him and want our family to work... but I REFUSE to argue with him and repeat a horrid cycle over the holidays this year.
I'm going to have a long talk with him tonight that he agreed to have with me. Maybe there was too much trust given to him (him using my car today) and I just caved and thought the worst immediately. Maybe the worst has happened. Only time will tell.. and either way I will be ok. Just venting.
Then... he was suppose to get my daughter at a certain time from school. I called and told him it was actually 30 minutes earlier than I thought it was .. but he had PLENTY of time. Well, he was late and my daughter was put on the bus (no biggie) but it was the whole point of him making excuses to why he was late. It brought back some serious anger and disappointing feelings from the past. So now my heart is pumping with worry. "OMG, i'm thinking he's using.. I should kick him out... i'm getting those feelings back"
I talk to him. He sounds fine, doesn't sound high. Then he tells me that his sister (his druggy sister) needs a ride to get stuff out of her car she crashed last week. I'm like. OMFG in my head and really losing it now. I told him absolutely not and told him that I think he should move out and I needed a break from all this and I can't deal with going through this and arguing with him over the holidays.
Well, it turns out that everything "seems" normal and there were verifiable excuses for all of the actions he took.
He is working (except today bc of the snow) and giving me a good part of his money every week. He's also not acting "high" and all of his money is accounted for. Plus all of his time bc on normal days he wouldn't have the car. Today he did because I was stuck at work late and used one of the work vehicles to get home 3 hours after I should have. He had both kids and did my usual pick ups last night.
SO, is it just my PTSD from all the hurt, disappointment and lack of trust piling up?? I have to think that it's the lack of trust that I have for him and as he stays with me these old emotions of hurt and trust are surfacing. IT cannot be January soon enough... for him to go into the program. Yes, he's helping me. Yes, I love him and want our family to work... but I REFUSE to argue with him and repeat a horrid cycle over the holidays this year.
I'm going to have a long talk with him tonight that he agreed to have with me. Maybe there was too much trust given to him (him using my car today) and I just caved and thought the worst immediately. Maybe the worst has happened. Only time will tell.. and either way I will be ok. Just venting.
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I would like to add that him using my car today was not planned. He did not ask. I run a business and the temptation of him being able to take a load off of me... to help with our kids is tempting. But, I will be getting MY car back tonight and not be letting him using it anymore.... under any circumstance.
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KeepinitReal, I remember reading your posts a while back. Weren't you planning to leave your husband? What changed? Did he make an effort at recovery? Why are you hoping he is clean now? Sorry, maybe I'm confusing you with another user? The lighter story sounds fishy to me. If it's an adjustable one, he could have turned it down.
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I remember being told that using looks like using and recovery looks like recovery.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry you are going through this. Sending you hugs and peace.
Time will reveal more. It always does. I think it is a good idea not to let him use your car anymore, just to be on the safe side.
I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry you are going through this. Sending you hugs and peace.
Time will reveal more. It always does. I think it is a good idea not to let him use your car anymore, just to be on the safe side.
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I kicked him out in August. He then was arrested for possession of needles and violation of probation. He was jailed until Nov. 10Th. He got a job 3 days out and all his money has been accounted for plus he has been giving me $200 plus his expenses a week. Conditions on him staying here is sobriety and pulling his own weight.
Today was the first day of suspicion. His mom was in a car accident Friday night. He doesn't cope with stress. She will make a full recovery but is really banged up. This was probably his trigger into the ocd addiction I think he started today.
Now that I am home and saw the phone call he made and pieced together it all imI'm sad to say he has relapsed. I dondon't need hard evidence bc sadly I have been down this street before. My denial has ran it's course.
What I do now is difficult. However, I know it's for the greater good. If he admits it I may let him stay. If notthen he has to go. He will pprobably lose his job.. but it's not my fault. He knew my conditions.
I'm sad ... but knew it was a possibility.
Today was the first day of suspicion. His mom was in a car accident Friday night. He doesn't cope with stress. She will make a full recovery but is really banged up. This was probably his trigger into the ocd addiction I think he started today.
Now that I am home and saw the phone call he made and pieced together it all imI'm sad to say he has relapsed. I dondon't need hard evidence bc sadly I have been down this street before. My denial has ran it's course.
What I do now is difficult. However, I know it's for the greater good. If he admits it I may let him stay. If notthen he has to go. He will pprobably lose his job.. but it's not my fault. He knew my conditions.
I'm sad ... but knew it was a possibility.
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Him having the car today was a mistake. I asked my mom for a ride... but she said just take the van. I worked 2 hours past regular.... IT's not my fault he took advantage of the first and only time I left the car here. It was "helping" me. However he helped himself. 
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Let us know how you are doing after your talk. I hate the stress and anxiety that comes with those thoughts of them using again. And that's when we should trust our gut. Mine was a phone call from a doctors office months ago about an appointment that he "needs physical therapy for". Boy did I fly off the handle, and now I know I was absolutely right to.
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I chose to ask him to leave. I'm driving him to his parents and my sister and mom are gonna stay here with the kids. I'm so disheartened and sad to my core. I'm glad I have others who understand this pain. This psychotic roller coaster I locked myself into: (
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I'm sorry you have to do that, but it's the right decision. I had to do it too when I caught mine, took him to the hospital a few days later and that's the last time I've seen him. Now we are in the process of divorce. I'm so sorry, I know how you feel. Big, fat, hugs! Good that you have your mom and sister around too.
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I can imagine what a terribly difficult decision this must be! You are sticking with the boundaries that work for you and your children. Where he goes from here is his choice. You deserve some peace of mind! Hugs to you!
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Omg, I am so sorry. As I am reading this, it is like I am reading my story I know that feeling, that crazy feeling, know it all too well. My AH (thanks to my big time enabling) has a car now, so the possibilites are endless. I know when I feel something is wrong, something is wrong. You are going with the flaw, you are not resisting it, it is how it is - he used, he can't use in the house, he has to leave I have no room to talk, as I keep trying to 'save' my AH, try to push the recovery on him. Like he has not called his sponsor in 2 days and I just had a fight with him about it. For what? If he doesnt want to tallk to sponsor, he is gonna start skipping meetings, then finds an excuse to not be in AA and then shortly after relapse. Been there before. You said it - you can't do denial anymore. I pray that you stay strong, not even strong, just stay on this wave of reality - this is how it is, we cannot cure them, cannot help them, cannot.
The only thing that helps me is Al-anon is this forum. It is easy for a 'normal' person to say - hey, how can you stay with this guy, how can you do this to your kids, what do you mean you gave him a chance, etc. I think even when you leave an addict, its like you go on the other side of insanity (well, you regain your sanity
) and then you look where you were before and don't get how is it you were there this whole time. I have realized recently that getting your serenity is a process. It might mean we are going to leave our addicts, might stay with them, might take a very long one step forward, two steps back 'departure' or 'stay', whatever. It is a PROCESS and I think that's what Al-anon and ,hence, this forum is about. Supporting one another in this PROCESS. Sorry for the rent....
I know that feeling, that crazy feeling, know it all too well. My AH (thanks to my big time enabling) has a car now, so the possibilites are endless. I know when I feel something is wrong, something is wrong. You are going with the flaw, you are not resisting it, it is how it is - he used, he can't use in the house, he has to leave I have no room to talk, as I keep trying to 'save' my AH, try to push the recovery on him. Like he has not called his sponsor in 2 days and I just had a fight with him about it. For what? If he doesnt want to tallk to sponsor, he is gonna start skipping meetings, then finds an excuse to not be in AA and then shortly after relapse. Been there before. You said it - you can't do denial anymore. I pray that you stay strong, not even strong, just stay on this wave of reality - this is how it is, we cannot cure them, cannot help them, cannot. The only thing that helps me is Al-anon is this forum. It is easy for a 'normal' person to say - hey, how can you stay with this guy, how can you do this to your kids, what do you mean you gave him a chance, etc. I think even when you leave an addict, its like you go on the other side of insanity (well, you regain your sanity
) and then you look where you were before and don't get how is it you were there this whole time. I have realized recently that getting your serenity is a process. It might mean we are going to leave our addicts, might stay with them, might take a very long one step forward, two steps back 'departure' or 'stay', whatever. It is a PROCESS and I think that's what Al-anon and ,hence, this forum is about. Supporting one another in this PROCESS. Sorry for the rent....
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I'm really sorry to read this. I know that feeling of holding your breath wondering if this is the time the lessons are going to stick. So disappointing when it isn't. I truly hope your husband recommits to his recovery and sticks with the original plan. I wish I could understand the draw of this more. Sometimes it slays me that so many good, creative, loving people are willing to give up all that's good in their lives for such fleeting moments. Big hugs to you tonight. Good job sticking with your boundaries. That had to be incredibly difficult.
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It was. I cried a lot. He held his ground that he didn't use (no surprise). Hes still saying iit's me, that I'm damaged from the past and jump to too many conclusions. Today was the first and only day I suspected him. Even if it is me imagining it.. I can't deal with him being here. I told him if he sdays/ seems sober I'll let him stay after 3 days but I needed space either way.
I held my ground and am taking a few days away at least. He goes from zero to 60 quickly.
No guarantee he will be allowed back.
I held my ground and am taking a few days away at least. He goes from zero to 60 quickly.
No guarantee he will be allowed back.
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You will figure it out with space. You'll know exactly what you need to do for you and your children. It sucks. It sucks when you know that even if they aren't using, you can't live like this anymore. The constant worry and suspicious can drive you to madness.
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So, I did let him come back home after dropping him off the first night.
I'm not letting him use my car and I took back the cell phone that I was letting him use while he was at work. He knows that living with me is only okay if he maintains sobriety. I know he used, but he's still not admitting it. The reason for my decision was based on more peace of mind for me. The other option (that he did not want to stay) was at his moms where his sister and brother are still deeply addicted and using on a daily basis. I'm hoping that the one day I made him leave is an eye-opener that i'm no longer going to live in denial and not tolerate any sort of fighting over weather he did or did not use. That day is over and now it's about today and the future.
I'm going to focus on my kids. My daughter needs a lot of help with her homework and i'm looking forward to doing that and watching Christmas movies with them. Whether he stays sober and lives with me or he dives off the deep end... i'm going to be okay. Right now he's still fighting to stay on the good fight. His entry date until the 14 month in-patient center cannot come fast enough. It is not a set date yet.. but he's still agreeing that he is going to go and that he NEEDS to go.
Today i'm drinking my water and i'm sticking to MY calorie goals and I will make today good. I have learned so much and today I will be at peace with my choices.
I'm not letting him use my car and I took back the cell phone that I was letting him use while he was at work. He knows that living with me is only okay if he maintains sobriety. I know he used, but he's still not admitting it. The reason for my decision was based on more peace of mind for me. The other option (that he did not want to stay) was at his moms where his sister and brother are still deeply addicted and using on a daily basis. I'm hoping that the one day I made him leave is an eye-opener that i'm no longer going to live in denial and not tolerate any sort of fighting over weather he did or did not use. That day is over and now it's about today and the future.
I'm going to focus on my kids. My daughter needs a lot of help with her homework and i'm looking forward to doing that and watching Christmas movies with them. Whether he stays sober and lives with me or he dives off the deep end... i'm going to be okay. Right now he's still fighting to stay on the good fight. His entry date until the 14 month in-patient center cannot come fast enough. It is not a set date yet.. but he's still agreeing that he is going to go and that he NEEDS to go.
Today i'm drinking my water and i'm sticking to MY calorie goals and I will make today good. I have learned so much and today I will be at peace with my choices.
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So since they day he slipped and I took him to his parents where he stayed for 1 night and 2 days he hasn't slipped up again. He took out his NA chip and has it in the clear part of his wallet as though he has a renewed ambition to stay sober.
I'm SO glad I held my ground and didn't give in to denial. He knows that if I see him acting high, or any sort of signs he's high... HE'S OUT.
I haven't had to deal with any arguing and bad tempers or anything. I have been using techniques from counseling that are working for my own well being. Today is hard for me today as it's the 5 year anniversary of my fathers death.
I just wanted to update and say that things are still on track and everything has stayed in a positive frame from that point on. Things have been good. I would say great.
I'm keeping my faith that things will keep getting better.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
I'm SO glad I held my ground and didn't give in to denial. He knows that if I see him acting high, or any sort of signs he's high... HE'S OUT.
I haven't had to deal with any arguing and bad tempers or anything. I have been using techniques from counseling that are working for my own well being. Today is hard for me today as it's the 5 year anniversary of my fathers death.
I just wanted to update and say that things are still on track and everything has stayed in a positive frame from that point on. Things have been good. I would say great.
I'm keeping my faith that things will keep getting better.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal 
So since they day he slipped and I took him to his parents where he stayed for 1 night and 2 days he hasn't slipped up again. He took out his NA chip and has it in the clear part of his wallet as though he has a renewed ambition to stay sober.
I'm SO glad I held my ground and didn't give in to denial. He knows that if I see him acting high, or any sort of signs he's high... HE'S OUT.
I haven't had to deal with any arguing and bad tempers or anything. I have been using techniques from counseling that are working for my own well being. Today is hard for me today as it's the 5 year anniversary of my fathers death.
I just wanted to update and say that things are still on track and everything has stayed in a positive frame from that point on. Things have been good. I would say great.
I'm keeping my faith that things will keep getting better.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
I'm SO glad I held my ground and didn't give in to denial. He knows that if I see him acting high, or any sort of signs he's high... HE'S OUT.
I haven't had to deal with any arguing and bad tempers or anything. I have been using techniques from counseling that are working for my own well being. Today is hard for me today as it's the 5 year anniversary of my fathers death.
I just wanted to update and say that things are still on track and everything has stayed in a positive frame from that point on. Things have been good. I would say great.
I'm keeping my faith that things will keep getting better.
Hope everyone is doing well!!
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His entry date until the 14 month in-patient center cannot come fast enough. It is not a set date yet.. but he's still agreeing that he is going to go and that he NEEDS to go.
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Originally Posted by KeepinItReal
His entry date until the 14 month in-patient center cannot come fast enough. It is not a set date yet.. but he's still agreeing that he is going to go and that he NEEDS to go.
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