BayAreaGuy

I don't understand why I can't quit drinking, I'll stay sober for months then out of nowhere for whatever reason I get blackout drunk and always cause trouble. I know that drinking is horrible for me in every way possible, I hate myself when i drink, I know i shouldn't do it and make a conscious effort to abstain from alcohol but i always seem to forget what troubles it has brought me and end up picking up that first drink which always leads to shame and regrets. I'm tired of this never ending circle in which i stay sober for a while then out of nowhere end up blackout drunk then sober again then blackout drunk again. What must i do to always keep a fresh memory of the misery alcohol brings me with out having to actually live it? I don't know if this makes any sense but if someone has been thru something similar i could really use your help

Thepatman

Many of us have experienced this circle of death. The trick is to build our own tools to not pick up again and remain sober. For some it takes a bit of practice and a few bruises on the way. But you have to try every hat until one fits. AA, rational thinking, AVRT, urge surfing. There are many options well documented on this site. Time to try new things friend?

ScottFromWI

I use SR as my main source of support to stay sober. I come here daily, and while I don't always write responses I generally read several times a day. It helps keep me grounded and on track.

You could consicder AA or NA or any other face to face style meeting too. Attending those on a regular basis can also keep you on task with sobriety.

Simply "not drinking" is many times a recipe for just the opposite if you don't actively work on your sober lifestyle on some kind of regular basis.

Twinings

Write it down!!! All of it, the feelings, the memories, the actions, the aftermath. Stick it on your fridge if you need to.

KateL

I did the same for twenty years with relapse after relapse. I so wanted to get well so just didn't give up trying, Something clicked in the end and I got well and have been sober for ten years. Just don't give up is all the advice I have. You seem to want it and haven't given up in your heart of hearts which is good. Good luck xx

doggonecarl

If you are an alcoholic, you can't. That's the insanity of the affliction. The AA Big Book describes it as such:

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.

You need more than the "decision" to quit.

foryoumyson

been there many times it just a vicious cycle that eats at you. I was a every other day drinker get right hammered one night and then the next day wake up with a hang over hating myself. every next day id ask myself why do I do this I'm not drinking no more. then the next day after my shift from work was done I could taste the beer and run to the store and start all over again. Right now I have 3 days under my belt and it feels good so far. My motivation is my son right now and getting my life back in order I made up my mind I'm done with this life is time to move on . In my head I love to drink but in reality I can't do it anymore I can't just have one drink I need 50. Just one day at a time . What does drinking do for you ? For me it was an escape for what ever hours it lasted a numb feeling and a way to get myself in a lot of trouble and almost killed a few times.

DramaStudent

I'm similar, I will be able to go several weeks or sometimes months without a drink then BAM. The last time I had been sober for 4 months then foolishly thought "Hey, I can drink normally again now, surely?" not realising that NO, I can't.

Some people can't drink. I'm one of them.

It started small, a glass of wine, then a week later another, then a few days later a bottle and before I knew it I was back into my old habits. One reason I really want to stop is I worry one day I will do or say something that cannot be taken back. One day I will cross the line- it happened with my dad, one day he went too far and ended up with prison time.

I dont want that to happen, and right now I am thinking of all the benefits of staying sober not simply the negatives of drinking. The most positive thing I ever felt, was after a few weeks of not drinking I would wake up feeling rested, refreshed and full of energy. I cannot adequately put into words how that felt and I look forward to feeling that way again.

You've had a slip, I'd imagine we all have at times, but you're here, you're making a statement that you can't do this any more and thats something to remember. You slipped up, learn from this and focus on the positive. In the short time of 36 hours that I've been here I've seen how supportive people are and how this vicious cycle can be broken.

Good luck my friend x

YVRguy

I was baffled why I could control many things in my life , but when it came to drinking , I couldn't. Cunning , baffling and powerful. Once I started I never knew when it would end whether I was sober two days or 2 months or more. Unlike other people , something happens to me , like many other alcoholics, and I seem unable to control my drinking. It seems, its not how long between drinks, nor how many drinks that starts the cycle, some of my sprees started with one drink. Its seems its what happens when we drink. Lots of people don't drink or stop after one drink or two and never think about it for weeks. That is not the case with me and perhaps you as well. My experience was it got worse , a lot worse , and never better with out help. I like AA but there are other ways to get help and lots listed here on SR.

You aren't alone and SR has a lot of good people who faced the question of why they couldn't stop during their drinking days.

Pman123

I'm actually a more extreme version of you! :o I always had to be buzzed to get to sleep but every 2-3 weeks I'd always get that urge to grab that big old bottle of vodka. 4 days ago I downed 1 1/2 liters in a day, and it caused a whole bunch of trouble on my body. The hangover turned into withdrawal and that turned into a visit to the hospital. The only thing keeping me from going insane is a controlled dose of librium. I'm gonna make it out, you can too!

BayAreaGuy

I want to thank everyone for their insight, every comment has been helpful in some way. I see that i need more than just not drinking, i need to stay in an ACTIVE recovery progam. I have bookmarked this site and will hopefully be coming on here at least once a day, I have decided to go to AA later on today, as soon as this throbbing headache is gone. I will do some reading on other approaches like AVRT. Again Thank you All.

freshstart57

You folks here seem to agree that picking up that first drink is the problem, but not understanding how it came to be consumed is indeed baffling. There are at least a dozen separate and distinct voluntary activities that were completed before the contents of that glass can hit your gullet. If any one of those actions were not completed by you, you would have woken the next day sober.

You only have to pick one of these actions, refuse to do it, and you will win. Do you have a plan to stop drinking? Maybe this plan has to address this for you to be successful.

ProgressNotPerfection

Well, who can say why?

Does it really matter why? Or is what you plan to do about it the important thing?

I might suggest that knowing the why of it is optional; indeed, a luxurious option.

What do you plan to do about it?

Kaneda8888

Bay, I believe you are trying to use rational thought to analyse an addictive behaviour. To me, its like mixing oil and water. Simply doesnt work. I was also really really frustrated that I could not stay stopped. It wasnt until I looked inside myself and got that desire to stay stopped which is beyond the rational mind (a spiritual wakening for me) that it has begun to click. I dont take it for granted as one easily forgets. You have to work at it all the time. Be patient with yourself, get a recovery program and work it. If you really want to stop, eventually something will click inside.

stay connected !