my story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
my story
Hi everybody,
Today I will begin my first day sober in five years. It will be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. Nobody knows of my addiction except for myself, and now the people of this community. This is my story.
I was a freshman in highschool when I stumbled across an evil small little white pill, with the numbers 512 on the back, 5 mg oxycodone. At the time, a couple of these a day were nothing compared to where I am at right now typing this. I took 100 mg of oxy contin, the most ive ever done, i did this yesterday, and have hit my highest average of 60-80mg a day. It was a slow upward trend from 15 to 20 years old. It hasnt really started to destroy my quality of life like it has of late.
I live with my older brother, whos 30 and mentally sick, bipolar, schizo, u name it, my mom who has I.C. (an incurable bladder disease), and my 16 year old brother who has a heart condition. None of them have income except for government money so ive really had to step up growing up(dad never really took care of us).
At this point I own my own recording studio, I own a good amount of stocks, I DJ full time and am currently on tour with a well known R&B artist. I provide for my entire family and have a massive amount of stress on my plate.
My mom gets buckets of oxy and takes them legally for her pain, so ive had access to as much as i want in my backyard so this is going to be really hard. not to mention the guilt thats built up over taking them behind her back.
I cant hide my addiction anymore, i refuse to travel with them for fear of prosecution if i was to be stopped by law enforcement (i dont want to endanger what i have as a career). So when im gone for numerous days at a time I wake up puking and nauseous and barely able to function. My team mates wonder whats wrong with me, and i cant keep up this facade any longer...
This is keeping me from being who im supposed to be and its not worth it any longer, I want to feel again, I have no idea how im going to do it but its now or never
pray for me
Today I will begin my first day sober in five years. It will be the hardest thing i've ever had to do. Nobody knows of my addiction except for myself, and now the people of this community. This is my story.
I was a freshman in highschool when I stumbled across an evil small little white pill, with the numbers 512 on the back, 5 mg oxycodone. At the time, a couple of these a day were nothing compared to where I am at right now typing this. I took 100 mg of oxy contin, the most ive ever done, i did this yesterday, and have hit my highest average of 60-80mg a day. It was a slow upward trend from 15 to 20 years old. It hasnt really started to destroy my quality of life like it has of late.
I live with my older brother, whos 30 and mentally sick, bipolar, schizo, u name it, my mom who has I.C. (an incurable bladder disease), and my 16 year old brother who has a heart condition. None of them have income except for government money so ive really had to step up growing up(dad never really took care of us).
At this point I own my own recording studio, I own a good amount of stocks, I DJ full time and am currently on tour with a well known R&B artist. I provide for my entire family and have a massive amount of stress on my plate.
My mom gets buckets of oxy and takes them legally for her pain, so ive had access to as much as i want in my backyard so this is going to be really hard. not to mention the guilt thats built up over taking them behind her back.
I cant hide my addiction anymore, i refuse to travel with them for fear of prosecution if i was to be stopped by law enforcement (i dont want to endanger what i have as a career). So when im gone for numerous days at a time I wake up puking and nauseous and barely able to function. My team mates wonder whats wrong with me, and i cant keep up this facade any longer...
This is keeping me from being who im supposed to be and its not worth it any longer, I want to feel again, I have no idea how im going to do it but its now or never
pray for me
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
I'm glad you joined the family. We have a particular forum for substance abusers. Take a look. 
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
So glad you are here. You can do this, and I want to offer this encouragement. I am a recovering drug addict/alcoholic, withdrawal sucks. BUT, it may not be the hardest thing you've ever done, and this might not be the hardest day of your life. Truly, as lousy as some days are, and as lousy and difficult as withdrawal was...they are NOT the worst times. For one thing, you are doing something positive, with a light at the end of the tunnel.
You never have to go through withdrawal again. You will go through it and then you will no longer be a slave to your addiction, it won't control you and destroy your life. Instead of experiencing hell, buying yourself more hell, you'll go through a rough time, buying yourself a lifetime of freedom.
I don't discard the actual discomfort and issues of recovery, but truly, it's BETTER than expected and WAY better than the hell my life was when using.
stick around and stay in touch
You never have to go through withdrawal again. You will go through it and then you will no longer be a slave to your addiction, it won't control you and destroy your life. Instead of experiencing hell, buying yourself more hell, you'll go through a rough time, buying yourself a lifetime of freedom.
I don't discard the actual discomfort and issues of recovery, but truly, it's BETTER than expected and WAY better than the hell my life was when using.
stick around and stay in touch
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Southeast USA
Posts: 202
Hi desperado, Glad you found SR! There are a lot of really good folks here and you will find support here for sure. I've had struggles with OxyContin in the past. I was an addict for two years and had about a 240 mg/day habit. I'm not sure if you're going to attempt to stop cold turkey. I tried that route many times without any success. The withdrawals were just too much for me to stay clean. Maybe I just wasn't strong enough, who knows? This is by no means medical advice but I was only able to quit with the aid of suboxone and weekly therapy with an addiction specialist. I know that it seems like something that can't be beaten, but I promise you that it can. I haven't touched the stuff in over five years and was able to very slowly ween off the suboxone. I'll pray for you. Stay strong, you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
Welcome to SR. Lots of help here. Are you on the road right now? I have some experience being sober on the road with bands, both as a musician and part of a road crew. Feel free to shoot me questions, vent, whatever. I know how it is out there.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Southern Oregon U.S.
Posts: 1,023
Sounds like you are in a tough spot with the pills but it also sounds like you got a lot of great stuff going for you with your music. It also seems like you put yourself through withdrawal each time you go on the road which doesn't sound fun. I can relate in a way cuz my dad always has beer, cigs, and pot around (my drugs of choice) and being around it after I got sober was tempting. I still see my dad but I don't drink and smoke with him. Do I think to myself "just have one for old times sake"? Sure do, but I let it sit, leave it for another day, that's why they say "one day at a time." To me being sober is cool cuz it's the hard road that leads to the true you.
-Ted
-Ted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
Appreciate everyones feedback and thoughts
I am on the road for spans of 2-3 days, sometimes weeks, I even catch flights back inbetween which is embarassing... Running out of excuses.
I am home for a month before I have to leave again, cold turkey seems to lead me to relapse... my plan is to take 20mg for the next 30 days and go from there, does anyone advise this? or against this?
I am on the road for spans of 2-3 days, sometimes weeks, I even catch flights back inbetween which is embarassing... Running out of excuses.
I am home for a month before I have to leave again, cold turkey seems to lead me to relapse... my plan is to take 20mg for the next 30 days and go from there, does anyone advise this? or against this?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,490
I think anyone here might struggle with giving you advice that could be seen as medical advice desperadox... however, if it were me, I would probably try such a plan - I know to get sober I tried a lot of different things
Keep in touch - it's good to hear how people are doing
Keep in touch - it's good to hear how people are doing
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
Being on the road can be super challenging in terms of staying sober. As you know, the popular perception is that being on tour is full of glamour and attention, but it is the antithesis of that. Long hours sitting in a van or bus (I've done both), staring out the window, long hours waiting around a venue, before and after a show, and if you are lucky enough to afford hotels, hours sitting in a hotel (we could never afford hotels, so we either slept in the bus or van). The hour or so on stage come and goes so fast. SO easy to use, drink, do whatever to grind through the time. I actually did six weeks in Europe totally sober once (totally fell back to drinking when I got home). I hooked up with one of the merch guys who was sober and we created a daily/nightly routine that kept us away from the drinking crowd. Do you have any support on the road-someone to hang with? tour manager, fellow musician, sound person? If you are on a bus, can you get a bunk away from the lounge area, where people are often up partying? When we were in our van, I used to volunteer to drive at night-that would help keep me sober. Just a few ideas. It is possible to stay clean on the road. I realize that the issue transcends being on tour, but I perhaps these ideas can help or spark some other insight. I'm pulling for you. You can do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 5
Appreciate everyones support, and the bullet has been bit.
I am 15 days sober, 3 days past my record, and the past 3 have been the hardest. I am off the road for Christmas and back home, where my house is filled with buckets of opiates.
This is where I normally relapse, well, normally. I've managed to remain sober for the 3 days ive been home and now I am really battling the mental part, I have triggers here, LOTS of triggers here. I need to be here. I'm surrounded by pills. How to do I continue to refrain?
And as a reminder, my mom has an incurable disease, so I really cant just not be around them. Not to mention this has all been internal, no one really has noticed it.
Jeez let me tell you tho, I never want to casually hide vomiting and diarreah again.. I deserve an Oscar. I guess thats my motivation, I never want to have to keep my composure through something like that again. Just to beat the mental part now..
Thanks again everybody
I am 15 days sober, 3 days past my record, and the past 3 have been the hardest. I am off the road for Christmas and back home, where my house is filled with buckets of opiates.
This is where I normally relapse, well, normally. I've managed to remain sober for the 3 days ive been home and now I am really battling the mental part, I have triggers here, LOTS of triggers here. I need to be here. I'm surrounded by pills. How to do I continue to refrain?
And as a reminder, my mom has an incurable disease, so I really cant just not be around them. Not to mention this has all been internal, no one really has noticed it.
Jeez let me tell you tho, I never want to casually hide vomiting and diarreah again.. I deserve an Oscar. I guess thats my motivation, I never want to have to keep my composure through something like that again. Just to beat the mental part now..
Thanks again everybody
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
