Worried about a Friends advice
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Worried about a Friends advice
My wife and I are separated and I am worried I feel she has a friend that doesn't have our best interest in mind. I am an alcoholic that is in recovery, it has been hard but I am making my life better for me and what I hope to for us. I went to an inpatient treatment center and I felt great about getting out and starting over. My wife and I talked about our love and that she wants things to get better but when I got out cold shoulder to not talk to me and signed up for a dating web site. But this "friend" grew up with an alcoholic father and he abused her, to what extent I do not know. Like I said I don't know this for sure but I feel she is manipulating my wife to do things to hurt me more just to get back at her own dad. Her husband and I have been close friends for 20 years so when they got married my wife and her became close friends. My wife and I used to talk about how she can be mean to other friends of hers and use them or manipulate them to get self gratification. Now my wife is using her advice. We had court to finalize our separation paper work the other day and my wife cried her eyes out. I could feel her pain and I was in pain. I could tell this was something she does not want to do and that she loves me. Then I look at her friend, as she was pulling my wife away from me, and she had a smirk or a grin on her face like she enjoyed my pain and her control that she had in our situation. I hope I am wrong and she does not have that kind of control over the love of my life. The friend never got over what her own father did to her and this is a way of getting something of a closer on the situation. She has been in counseling for years and has a hard time with a relationship with anyone in her family. Even when her husband and her talked divorce we counseled them to work it out no matter what, marriage vows are something not taken lightly. Like I said this is something I feel and when I talk with other people familiar with the situation they think the same thing.
Just because one alcoholic person was bad for an entire life doesn't mean another can't get better at a young age. I was bad like I said and I have things that I did I regret and I will have a hard time getting over them but I never raised a hand to my wife or our child. I emotionally treated her like sht for a few years and financially put us in hard ship, nothing that can't be repaired with love and counseling but I feel this "friend" is in the way.
Just because one alcoholic person was bad for an entire life doesn't mean another can't get better at a young age. I was bad like I said and I have things that I did I regret and I will have a hard time getting over them but I never raised a hand to my wife or our child. I emotionally treated her like sht for a few years and financially put us in hard ship, nothing that can't be repaired with love and counseling but I feel this "friend" is in the way.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
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Call me a bitch, but you put yourself in the way. Your wife is getting support from her friend because YOU aren't there to support her. If you have to work harder to earn her trust and love back, then that may just be the price you pay. You cannot blame the friend for being supportive to your wife. You should be thankful, IMO.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Wow stung. That's pretty harsh for not knowing hardly anything about the situation. I see you are married to an alcoholic, joined SR today and have only posted three times. It might be helpful to find a little more about what's going on before you beat the man over the head with a tire iron.
White, I would simply talk to your wife about it. Maybe she can lend some insight that would help you better Taylor your response to the situation.
White, I would simply talk to your wife about it. Maybe she can lend some insight that would help you better Taylor your response to the situation.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: RhodeIsland
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it's possible the world doesn't revolve around hurting the alcoholic so much as it is about helping her friend move on to a relationship which doesn't involve addiction.
Read the threads here. Folks here are in terrible pain as the decision to leave their A's is made. It takes a long time to get over the pain, but I haven't seen posters regretting leaving their A in the long term so far. Her friend might support her decision, but it seems the ex-wife has reached the end of the road. She's hopping off and that's a decision she does for herself.
Might be the wrong sub-forum to expect a pity party. No offense, but this is for support of the people who have lost years of their lives to the alcoholic in their lives. People who have had dreams shattered of the life pictured, addictions hidden, lied to, and this here is a little ironic - manipulated to believe terrible things about themselves by the alcoholic in their lives.
Read the threads here. Folks here are in terrible pain as the decision to leave their A's is made. It takes a long time to get over the pain, but I haven't seen posters regretting leaving their A in the long term so far. Her friend might support her decision, but it seems the ex-wife has reached the end of the road. She's hopping off and that's a decision she does for herself.
Might be the wrong sub-forum to expect a pity party. No offense, but this is for support of the people who have lost years of their lives to the alcoholic in their lives. People who have had dreams shattered of the life pictured, addictions hidden, lied to, and this here is a little ironic - manipulated to believe terrible things about themselves by the alcoholic in their lives.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
Its a toughie - can see both sides but my husband banned my friend from visiting after I stayed with her for 3 nights in April. I left because I feared for my life - he in fairness, had a hematoma building up as well as late stage alcoholism but I didn't know that at the time and was terrified by his actions.
At the end of the day, your wife's friend has heard her side of the story and is trying to help your wife. No easy answers sorry. Many of us have been to hell and back with our alcoholics so yes, it hard to feel as much sympathy as maybe you deserve but I do wish you every happiness and everyone deserves a second chance but please don't be too surprised if your wife just cannot give it to you right now. Emotional abuse over even two years is frankly, pretty soul destroying, and in some ways JUST as bad as physical abuse.
At the end of the day, your wife's friend has heard her side of the story and is trying to help your wife. No easy answers sorry. Many of us have been to hell and back with our alcoholics so yes, it hard to feel as much sympathy as maybe you deserve but I do wish you every happiness and everyone deserves a second chance but please don't be too surprised if your wife just cannot give it to you right now. Emotional abuse over even two years is frankly, pretty soul destroying, and in some ways JUST as bad as physical abuse.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Just because one alcoholic person was bad for an entire life doesn't mean another can't get better at a young age. I was bad like I said and I have things that I did I regret and I will have a hard time getting over them
I emotionally treated her like sht for a few years and financially put us in hard ship, nothing that can't be repaired with love and counseling but I feel this "friend" is in the way.
Does she deserve happiness without you? What is the value of her life?
Everyone deserves a second chance - and your wife is securing her second chance - and it's without you. Work your program - and accept the things you cannot change.
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whiterhino, you are interpreting what you want.
maybe your wife was crying and in pain over the big financial mess and emotional abuse she endured for years ? you don't know, you are not her.
just because you are sorry now, you cant turn it around in 2 days..
maybe stop blaming her friend and show your Xwife by taking responsibility and cleaning up the debris.
congrats on your sobriety.
maybe your wife was crying and in pain over the big financial mess and emotional abuse she endured for years ? you don't know, you are not her.
just because you are sorry now, you cant turn it around in 2 days..
maybe stop blaming her friend and show your Xwife by taking responsibility and cleaning up the debris.
congrats on your sobriety.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
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I can view it from both sides here.
Whiterhino, what I get from you is that you are working at your sobriety, and desperately want to make you marriage and fatherhood work. A a recovering alcoholic I totally understand that you feel you deserve the opportunity to prove your commitment.
As the ex wife of an alcoholic, I also agree that we do only have one life to live and ought to make the best of it. I wasted years on my ex before finally realising he wouldn't not change.
What I am reading here, is that Whiterhino is not being allowed to try to prove himself, and that his wife will never recover from his abuse so should leave him and start again.
Why? Does an alcoholic never get the chance to change? If he had been jailed for wrong doing and repented, ought he not be forgiven?
Alcoholics can learn to control their addiction, or this site would not exist, and I'm sure Whiterhino would be the first to say he would crawl through broken glass to put things right given the chance.
Whiterhino, I suggest you write to your wife, perhaps to a work address, to put down your feelings, your understanding of what you have done. Lay out on paper what you intend to to to maintain your sobriety, and ask if she will allow you into her life again in whatever capacity she wants. Perhaps she needs to take things slowly, to allow her chance to decide if she can ever trust you again. Perhaps she has decided it is not worth a second chance and you will have to suck it up. There is a child involved here, and if you wish to be the father she deserves, at the very least you need an opportunity to build that relationship.
Please people, we cannot judge everyone else's relationships from our own experiences, all we can do is advise with the benefit of hindsight.
White rhino, what will be will be as far as the marriage is concerned, but whatever happens I hope you manage to maintain your sobriety, and live a long, happy and sober life.
Whiterhino, what I get from you is that you are working at your sobriety, and desperately want to make you marriage and fatherhood work. A a recovering alcoholic I totally understand that you feel you deserve the opportunity to prove your commitment.
As the ex wife of an alcoholic, I also agree that we do only have one life to live and ought to make the best of it. I wasted years on my ex before finally realising he wouldn't not change.
What I am reading here, is that Whiterhino is not being allowed to try to prove himself, and that his wife will never recover from his abuse so should leave him and start again.
Why? Does an alcoholic never get the chance to change? If he had been jailed for wrong doing and repented, ought he not be forgiven?
Alcoholics can learn to control their addiction, or this site would not exist, and I'm sure Whiterhino would be the first to say he would crawl through broken glass to put things right given the chance.
Whiterhino, I suggest you write to your wife, perhaps to a work address, to put down your feelings, your understanding of what you have done. Lay out on paper what you intend to to to maintain your sobriety, and ask if she will allow you into her life again in whatever capacity she wants. Perhaps she needs to take things slowly, to allow her chance to decide if she can ever trust you again. Perhaps she has decided it is not worth a second chance and you will have to suck it up. There is a child involved here, and if you wish to be the father she deserves, at the very least you need an opportunity to build that relationship.
Please people, we cannot judge everyone else's relationships from our own experiences, all we can do is advise with the benefit of hindsight.
White rhino, what will be will be as far as the marriage is concerned, but whatever happens I hope you manage to maintain your sobriety, and live a long, happy and sober life.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
toots, I think you've given great advice here. I second it.
I also wish you happiness and sobriety whiterhino. It isn't easy to stop drinking.
I know because I have had to also. To be the father you want to be, you must
hang in there with sobriety so that you can be there for your daughter whatever
happens with your exwife. I hope you can have some kind of relationship with her,
but your own choices about drinking or not should not be based on what she does.
I also wish you happiness and sobriety whiterhino. It isn't easy to stop drinking.
I know because I have had to also. To be the father you want to be, you must
hang in there with sobriety so that you can be there for your daughter whatever
happens with your exwife. I hope you can have some kind of relationship with her,
but your own choices about drinking or not should not be based on what she does.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
First Whither -- you may be correct. The "friend" may have some meddle / self-issues. That happens. Folks get sucked into other folks traumas, and turn them into their own drama. I guess from an A background you track the difference between trauma and drama?
We can do more on the Create-a-Crisis (my kids' name for that situation) routines, and the more formal version called the "Karpman Drama Triangle," if you or anyone would like.
The part where other folks get involved and meddle is sometimes driven by childhood issues, like you observed, and sometimes by their own mental health issues.
In all that . . . please understand that we -- like the AA and Alanon models which we tend to follow -- only work on YOU. Not the THEM, whomever the them may be. Get YOU in good order and your life (in all your matters -- wife, kids, job, community) will get MUCH better.
So do your meetings, steps, church, community stuff -- ALL that -- and you will likely find as many of us have . . . Everything is right where it should be right now.
We can do more on the Create-a-Crisis (my kids' name for that situation) routines, and the more formal version called the "Karpman Drama Triangle," if you or anyone would like.
The part where other folks get involved and meddle is sometimes driven by childhood issues, like you observed, and sometimes by their own mental health issues.
In all that . . . please understand that we -- like the AA and Alanon models which we tend to follow -- only work on YOU. Not the THEM, whomever the them may be. Get YOU in good order and your life (in all your matters -- wife, kids, job, community) will get MUCH better.
So do your meetings, steps, church, community stuff -- ALL that -- and you will likely find as many of us have . . . Everything is right where it should be right now.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
hi
dictating who your wife can and cannot talk to or be friends with is controlling/manipulating her. in healthy relationships we try not to control and manipulate.
i understand your fear about the friend's influence, but it is her decision not yours to listen to the friend.
do you really think a friend has that much power over your wife? does she not have a mind of her own?
sometimes when we don't like the outcome of a situation we try to minimize our role in it and blame another person or third party. that type of thinking keeps us stuck in whatever unhealthy stuff was going on.
that is great you are seeking sobriety and i hope for your success.
dictating who your wife can and cannot talk to or be friends with is controlling/manipulating her. in healthy relationships we try not to control and manipulate.
i understand your fear about the friend's influence, but it is her decision not yours to listen to the friend.
do you really think a friend has that much power over your wife? does she not have a mind of her own?
sometimes when we don't like the outcome of a situation we try to minimize our role in it and blame another person or third party. that type of thinking keeps us stuck in whatever unhealthy stuff was going on.
that is great you are seeking sobriety and i hope for your success.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Whiterhino, I couldn't be more impressed with your effort to change your life. I believe it is the most difficult thing anyone can do.
For yourself and your wife, I also believe the best thing you can do right now is to focus 100% on your own recovery. As we say on this side of the board, we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it. I think think the same goes for you and your wife's friend, as frustrating as that may be. You don't have any control over anyone else's actions but your own.
However, if you focus on yourself, on maintaining your sobriety, on making amends and on learning how to deal with life on life's terms without alcohol, you can show your wife that you are serious about changing. It will take a long time. In the long run, there is no guarantee that it will positively impact your relationship. But you will be your best self and while your future may not look they way you planned, there will be brightness there, and hope.
I wish you strength, courage, patience, and the very best of luck
For yourself and your wife, I also believe the best thing you can do right now is to focus 100% on your own recovery. As we say on this side of the board, we didn't Cause it, we can't Control it, and we can't Cure it. I think think the same goes for you and your wife's friend, as frustrating as that may be. You don't have any control over anyone else's actions but your own.
However, if you focus on yourself, on maintaining your sobriety, on making amends and on learning how to deal with life on life's terms without alcohol, you can show your wife that you are serious about changing. It will take a long time. In the long run, there is no guarantee that it will positively impact your relationship. But you will be your best self and while your future may not look they way you planned, there will be brightness there, and hope.
I wish you strength, courage, patience, and the very best of luck
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Originally Posted by Whiterhino24 
Just because one alcoholic person was bad for an entire life doesn't mean another can't get better at a young age.
I emotionally treated her like sht for a few years and financially put us in hard ship, nothing that can't be repaired with love and counseling
starts as you know with staying sober today
she will probably come around with time
most of the available fish out there that look so good from a distance
up close get a little fishy smell to them
#1 take good care of your sober self
#2 be there for your family when ever needed
#3 recommend counseling (it takes two who must be willing)
#4 seek out the Higher Power for help and guidance (I prefer to call God)
MM
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Southern US
Posts: 785
I'm sorry, White. I know it's painful and I'm sure, makes your recovery even more difficult. My suggestion is to focus on you.
As the wife of an AH (a month sober at the moment), what I need from my AH is action, not words. I would like to see an honest effort to work on himself (through counseling and/or the AA steps) to improve the issues that originally drove him to drink so that he will be less likely to go back to drinking. I need to see true repentance as evidenced by how he treats his family and the other people around him. What isn't helpful is excuses, blame shifting, guilt-tripping, and empty words. Words may be pretty and they may make us temporarily feel better, but unless they're accompanied by true change, they're just empty words.
Don't just tell your wife that you're sorry and you deserve a second chance, prove it to her by staying sober and working to make yourself a better you. Unfortunately, that may not be enough to save your marriage but it will make you happier and healthier long-term (and a better partner for future relationships) and a better father.
As the wife of an AH (a month sober at the moment), what I need from my AH is action, not words. I would like to see an honest effort to work on himself (through counseling and/or the AA steps) to improve the issues that originally drove him to drink so that he will be less likely to go back to drinking. I need to see true repentance as evidenced by how he treats his family and the other people around him. What isn't helpful is excuses, blame shifting, guilt-tripping, and empty words. Words may be pretty and they may make us temporarily feel better, but unless they're accompanied by true change, they're just empty words.
Don't just tell your wife that you're sorry and you deserve a second chance, prove it to her by staying sober and working to make yourself a better you. Unfortunately, that may not be enough to save your marriage but it will make you happier and healthier long-term (and a better partner for future relationships) and a better father.
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