russianprincess

Hi all, I posted this earlier in a different threat & was re-directed here so here I am.

I'm new to this forum and decided to make a profile because I am at my wit's end and would like to talk to people who don't know my situation & have a more objective viewpoint, experience dealing with these kinds of things, & so forth. Any insight or advice would be greatly appreciated.

I love my boyfriend very much and care deeply for him, but drugs are damaging and ruining our relationship and I'm at a loss as to what to do and where to go from here. He's struggled with drugs a good portion of his life. In his teens he struggled with opiates, did stupid things while on them, went to jail, and eventually went to treatment for a year as a consequence. Then, about half a year ago I caught on to the fact that he had developed a xanax addiction and I told his family about it. It was a really tough time in our relationship but we managed to get through it and it seemed as though he had hit rock bottom and was ready to get clean. He started seeing an addiction counselor, picking up hobbies, telling me how happy he was living life sober, things were great. However, just 2 months or so ago he landed himself in the hospital and was induced into a medical coma because he had tore his esophagus and was internally bleeding after smoking a large amount of heroin and consuming a large amount of MDMA. It was traumatic, I was there and called 911 because he lost consciousness and was throwing up almost half his body weight in blood, and it was mortifying and scary. Nobody knew whether he was going to make it, he was extremely close to death, and I thought when he got out that that would be a wake up call for him and it was until now. The other day I came home after work and when I saw him I could tell he was coming down from something, it was beyond obvious. He lied about it at first, but finally admitted to me he had used valium the previous night. I was upset and hurt more than I was angry, it felt like a slap in the face after everything me and his family went through while he was hospitalized. We had a long talk and he started telling me he hasn't been happy sober, he can use in moderation where it's not an issue or a problem, it scares him to think that he has to go the rest of his life without feeling the feelings drugs give him, etc. I personally don't believe he can use in moderation, I think it might start out in moderation, but then his life will go right back downhill to where he was months ago when he was at his lowest on xanax. I tried explaining that perspective and point of view to him and letting him know that 2 months isn't a long time, it takes longer than 2 months for your brain and body to heal from chemical dependence and his exact words were, "What if I told you you couldn't go dancing with your friends anymore? How would that make you feel?" I thought that was ridiculous and at that point I told him it was me or drugs, there's a lot of things we can disagree and reach a middle ground on, but this isn't one of them. At that point he started crying and telling me how much he's scared to lose me and he's gonna get into treatment ASAP and his mind is playing tricks on him,etc. but I don't know if I buy it. I've loved him through all of this, tried to help him and be there for him, but I feel like maybe his love for drugs is stronger than his love for me. I feel guilty walking away after he opened up to me and spent hours just crying on my shoulder and I want to give him a chance to get into treatment and get clean, but I also don't want to be in a relationship where I'm worried he's gonna overdose or something's going to happen every time we're not together so I don't really know what to do.

ladyscribbler

If he's going to get better, he will do it on his own.
Sounds like you're having a tough time yourself. Have you thought about a Naranon/Alanon type meeting for you? There are things you can do for yourself whether he is using or not. Sounds like he has a long-standing addiction issue that began way before you met him. It might be helpful for you to figure out what attracted you to this relationship and what is making you stay when all signs point to him not being ready for sobriety.
There are some great stickies at the top of the home page that you may want to read if you are interested in educating yourself about being in a relationship with an alcoholic/addict.
Thanks for posting and welcome.

Spinner-007

Russianprincess, leave the relationship.

Sorry so blunt about it but not being married makes it ALOT easier to make this decision.

Yes, the feelings you have are real, and it makes leaving really hard, but take this from someone married with 4 kids struggling with an AW: you don't want this in your life till the day you die.

Your future with him will always have the specter of his addictions hanging over it, so if you decide to stay, you need to ask yourself this: can you accept it at all costs?

Better yet, see it from a different perspective: what would you tell YOUR daughter to do if she was in the same situation?

Again, I'm sorry about being so hard about it, but what you're going through is changing you and you don't even know it.

Don't lose the beauty, the laugh, the heart, and the mind that's inside you.

Get out while you can. Ask the survivors here. They made it and they all come back saying the same thing: there's IS a sunny side of life outside this nightmare we're living.

RhodeIsland

RP

Leaving might be the best thing for both parties. Don't let the heart ache continue - life is too short to do that. Sooner the relationship ends the sooner healing can begin.

Off topic, but I had dated a Russian/Israeli girl back in 05/06. She was amazing. I wish I hadn't been such an idiot at 18.

Hawkeye13

I agree with the others.
He has to choose to get clean on his own.
You cannot help with that.

He is just pulling you down with him.
It is changing you to keep rescuing him.

Please save yourself and give him a chance to save himself.
If he doesn't have people around him accepting / enabling the behaviour
he may choose to take action. If you stick around knowing he's doing this,
why should he stop?

I'm sorry for your heartache and wish the best for both of you.

EnglishGarden

"I told him it was me or the drugs....."

Longtime addicts do not get clean in order to hang on to a girlfriend.

He is going to choose the drugs. You will face then the challenge of not taking that in a deeply personal way and thinking that you just weren't special enough to him or that you are not worth a man's time and affection.

In his relationship with drugs, you simply are not part of the picture at all.

If this becomes too devastating to handle alone, a 12 step meeting or some sessions with a counselor who understands what addiction really is could be of great help to you.

If you continue to try to make things work with him, you will continue to experience intense pain. You may think that you have to do that in order to be the "one person who doesn't give up on him."

But the truth is that in his relationship with drugs, you simply are not part of the picture. Your need for his love, your pain, your fears, mean nothing in that context.

If you stay or if you leave, it will be very good if you find some people who have a realistic view of addiction and get their support, so you can keep your head clear as your heart heals.

marie1960

Seems to me you are trying to control an out of control situation.

He cannot control you going dancing with your friends, you cannot control if he chooses to remain an addict.

We are human beings, we are not each others property.

Nobody owns us.

He has his choice of free will.

And you have yours.

Think about it, he had a near death experience, and YET that wasn't enough for him to seek out help for himself. Exactly, what do you think you can do for him? He currently is not ready to embrace his own recovery. You are powerless, please, for your own well being accept the facts.

You will keep hitting that brick wall at 100 m.p.h, and it's going to hurt every effin time, if you really want to help, get out of his way, and start addressing your own needs, currently, both of you are on a sinking ship, put your life vest on first, you cannot assist others until you secure yourself.

lillamy

Princess, when I was a teenager, I was in a relationship -- my first really serious one -- with a guy who was a drug addict. I was too naive to understand that he was using drugs until I found the needles hidden in the toilet tank.

I told him he had to choose: Me or the drugs. He chose the drugs. And I moved on. I look back at that, scores of years later, and I can follow him on FB and see that he has somehow survived, he's in his 50s, he's on disability, he's still drug-addled and posts gobbledygook and has no family not even a girlfriend, only his druggie buddies (the ones that are still alive) from when he was 20.

You can't help an addict who doesn't want to help himself. I would like to tell you to run, but I will instead tell you to educate yourself on exactly what you can expect from a life with him if you don't. And then make your decision.