About "No Contact"
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
About "No Contact"
We are lacking a sticky on "no contact". sheesh. Of all things to be lacking.
If you would contribute pearls of wisdom, quotes from recovery books, things that got you through the night. No advice, please, we have too much of that already.
Here's some to start it off, first heard here on SR but I can't remember where.
"I would rather live alone, than wish I did".
Living with my ex was like being addicted to fire. I knew certain subjects would set off an emotional and verbal storm, but I found myself going back again and again. Saying the same things, trying to make her understand the same point of view one more time, and getting "burned" one more time.
Since I clearly was not well enough to keep my hand out of the fire (aka keep my mouth shut), the next best thing was to just not go in the kitchen at all. No contact meant for _me_ to stay away from those things that set me out of control, and that caused me harm even though I should have known better.
Mike
If you would contribute pearls of wisdom, quotes from recovery books, things that got you through the night. No advice, please, we have too much of that already.
Here's some to start it off, first heard here on SR but I can't remember where.
"I would rather live alone, than wish I did".
Living with my ex was like being addicted to fire. I knew certain subjects would set off an emotional and verbal storm, but I found myself going back again and again. Saying the same things, trying to make her understand the same point of view one more time, and getting "burned" one more time.
Since I clearly was not well enough to keep my hand out of the fire (aka keep my mouth shut), the next best thing was to just not go in the kitchen at all. No contact meant for _me_ to stay away from those things that set me out of control, and that caused me harm even though I should have known better.
Mike
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Don't know is this is what you're looking for but... (feel free to delete if not)
... it's hard to see ourselves as addicts, but in a way we are. Just like the alcoholic has to abstain from his drug of choice to work on recovery, we have to abstain from ours. And our drug is the addict.
My challenge with NC was different than most: I had a restraining order against STBAXH during our divorce process so I could not contact him (or risk to be accused of trying to con him into violating the order). So I had lots of motivation. HOWEVER -- what kept bugging me was that I wanted him to see things from my perspective. I was sure that if I could explain to him how much he had hurt me, if I could explain to him how his drinking was really to blame for our marriage falling apart... then he would understand.
Someone asked me "so -- in your experience, how successful were you during your marriage to convince him of your point of view?" and that sort of drove home the point: He was always right. I was always wrong. There was no reason for me to believe that things would be different. It was just a pipe dream. A need to have him validate that things were bad and I had a right to leave.
Nobody needs that validation. All you need is your own conviction that you had that right.
There are many reasons we want to break NC. But every time we do, we ask for more pain. My attitude has always been "No pain, no pain."
... it's hard to see ourselves as addicts, but in a way we are. Just like the alcoholic has to abstain from his drug of choice to work on recovery, we have to abstain from ours. And our drug is the addict.
My challenge with NC was different than most: I had a restraining order against STBAXH during our divorce process so I could not contact him (or risk to be accused of trying to con him into violating the order). So I had lots of motivation. HOWEVER -- what kept bugging me was that I wanted him to see things from my perspective. I was sure that if I could explain to him how much he had hurt me, if I could explain to him how his drinking was really to blame for our marriage falling apart... then he would understand.
Someone asked me "so -- in your experience, how successful were you during your marriage to convince him of your point of view?" and that sort of drove home the point: He was always right. I was always wrong. There was no reason for me to believe that things would be different. It was just a pipe dream. A need to have him validate that things were bad and I had a right to leave.
Nobody needs that validation. All you need is your own conviction that you had that right.
There are many reasons we want to break NC. But every time we do, we ask for more pain. My attitude has always been "No pain, no pain."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
This is a pearl of wisdom that Learn2Live shared with me when I was in the infant stages of No Contact...and struggling with the concept of letting go without giving up hope. My xabf had been sending me noble, heartfelt emails and texts about his desire to recover from his addictions and to reconcile with me...all while living with another woman after I had left him. I wasn't contacting him, but I was still reading what he was sending me. It was ripping me apart.
From Learn2Live to me, back in 2010:
It does not matter what they SAY, and listening to them will only keep you stuck in it emotionally. Detachment, in large part, is EMOTIONAL detachment. The addict/alcoholic instinctively knows this and exploits your feelings, your love, your loyalty, your commitment, your hope. This is why No Contact is so important. The healthiest No Contact also means not reading his words, regardless of whether or not you respond to them. Because honestly, you can never really know whether or not he is trying to manipulate you. But, PAST behavior is the BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior.
I miss Learn2Live. Thank you, wherever you are, for all of the care and sharing you provided at SR.
From Learn2Live to me, back in 2010:
It does not matter what they SAY, and listening to them will only keep you stuck in it emotionally. Detachment, in large part, is EMOTIONAL detachment. The addict/alcoholic instinctively knows this and exploits your feelings, your love, your loyalty, your commitment, your hope. This is why No Contact is so important. The healthiest No Contact also means not reading his words, regardless of whether or not you respond to them. Because honestly, you can never really know whether or not he is trying to manipulate you. But, PAST behavior is the BEST predictor of FUTURE behavior.
I miss Learn2Live. Thank you, wherever you are, for all of the care and sharing you provided at SR.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
What I did for no contact
I kept all of the voicemails, the emails, I kept a journal. I taped some of my conversations with him.
When I wanted to talk to him, I would listen to the voicemails listen to the tapes, read the journal, read the emails, and know, this is what I would hear again if I called and if he actually answer the phone.
I kept all of the voicemails, the emails, I kept a journal. I taped some of my conversations with him.
When I wanted to talk to him, I would listen to the voicemails listen to the tapes, read the journal, read the emails, and know, this is what I would hear again if I called and if he actually answer the phone.
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