malcolmsloan

Hello, I've been a member of SR for almost three weeks. Right now, I have 18 days of sobriety under my belt. I come to this forum because I need some insight. My wife and I both have a drinking prolbem. We've been battleing for many years. We became aware that we had drinking problems about 6 years ago. Last year, we had marriage problems and our counselor told us not to do maky any decisions concerning our marriage until we were both free from alcohol and could see ourselves and the relationship through clearer lenses. That was a year ago. We seem to be doing a lot better in terms of our marriage-It is not at the moment in jeopardy. But, while I-finally-have almost three weeks of sobriety, my wife continues to struggle. The alcohol has basically shut her down. Hangovers are daily. Daily routines a struggle. We are having financial trouble and she is ready to go back to work (she had been at home with our kids for the last 5 years) but the alcohol has her trapped in so many ways-depression, anxiety, lack of self-esteem-that getting to work--which is imperitive for our family survivial-is all but impossible. She knows she has a problem. She creates plans to stop every day. But we know the routine. I know what's going on, and I see the addiction eating her up. I don't see this ending until she gets some kind of outside support. How do I support her? I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, wanting so bad to help her return to the land of the living,but knowing that this is her battle, not mine. I just need some insight. Anyone out there have a minute to offer some insight? SOmething tells me mine is a familiar story and I need some help

dandylion

malcolm--the way I see it is that your first and continuing responsibility is to your sobriety--to save yourself and offer your children the best possible life that you possibly can. That is your side of the street.

As for your wife--again, you didn't cause it; you can't control it; and, you can't FIX it. That will be up to her. You can be generally supportive--but, as you k now--the motivation and work has to come from inside of her.

The children need, at least, one sober and stable parent in their lives. Two would be ideal---but, you can only control your side of it!

Who knows if the marriage can be saved? That remains to be seen, of course. For today your sobriety and children come first---and the rest will fall into place...one day at a time.

dandylion

djayr

Hi, welcome to SR and congratulations on 18 days, that is fantastic!

In my experience, the best course of action is to be sure to take care of yourself and maintain your own sobriety at all cost. Don't let her drag you down, you will need to protect your resources of emotional energy and strength.

She is walking her own path and there is only so much you can do for her. Just by being sober yourself, you are setting a tremendous example for her, no small feat, a gift to your marriage and your future. It also give you the moral high ground and that is something that can provide a better feeling.

I recommend you read a lot on these boards, the stories are very real and you will see a certain pattern to the behavior of alcoholics. What they say about finding a bottom is true.

You may decide to set some boundaries, such as you will not buy alcohol for her, or not want to be around her while she is drunk. For me, nothing changed with XAW while I just coddled her and played along with her (which I did to keep the peace). Daily drinking will lead to progressive problems with health, accidents, and poor decision making.

Most of all there is prayer, that is just me, but if I couldn't try to "Let Go and Let God" I would be lost and confused.

All the best to you!

malcolmsloan

Thank you for your insights. The more sober days I get under my belt, the more I realize that staying clean is absoluetly imperative, as you say. I wish there was more I can do. I'm scared and don't know how to talk about it.

Hawkeye13

Hi malcolm;
I agree with above posters. Sobriety first for you, for all of your sakes but most especially the children.

I'm not in favor of "scare tactics" but if the financial trouble is as severe as you indicate,
perhaps you should sit down with her and start working out what the various plans are if she does,
or doesn't get it together to find a job and stay sober. Maybe 3 different versions.

You are going to have to do this anyway, and perhaps if she sees in print what this means to your family
(would you have to move out of your house, sell a car, etc.) it
may motivate her to get on the wagon and stay there. Or not. But perhaps worth a shot.
Of course, I would do this kindly and not "look what you're driving us to" but reality is reality.
She has a right to know if she doesn't, and to have input if she does.

I'm sorry you are going through this and very well done on your 18 days.
I really hope things work out for the best.