needingabreak

HI SR family. This has been a very huge struggle for me. I have read Melodie Beattie's book twice, read many things on the internet and been going back and forth on the letting go and letting God thing. As a person who grew up learning to take care of everyone at a young age, I found I needed to always be in control of situations so obviously not having control over my son's drug addiction has been really tough. I am guilty of trying to get him to do things i feel he should be doing. I have tried to steer his life. i know I cannot do this and it usually doesn't work!

He has been home since September. He did have a relapse while we were away in late october and also ended up helping his drug dealer move some bikes that ended up being stolen for which he had to go to the police station twice for to make a statement. The police say he *could* be charged with a felony because of this although he cooperated and stated he had no idea they were stolen (he says the guy has always had bikes at his home). This scared him greatly as he has never had a run in with the police. So far he has not been charged. He told his counselor all this and says he has absolutely no desire to use after all of this. The drug dealer said he would turn himself in (my son believed him-can we say gullible and naive?!). So far the police have not caught him.

He had a wonderful, sweet and kind gf whom he called when he was hitting bottom (he had broken it off twice before with her and they were broken up at the time-he had just broken up with his other gf). She stood by him before going to rehab, during rehab and they were together after he came home. They hung out a lot and he was going to church with her.Meanwhile he has not gone to any meetings saying they do nothing for him. He has missed therapy appointments as well. He has now gone back to his other gf after breaking the sweet gf's heart for the third time. I was heart broken for her and livid at him because she was good enough to be there for him when he needed her. I am disgusted and disappointed in him. This other gf is selfish, lazy, vindictive and big trouble. She lives with two people who are big pot heads. My husband and I fear he is going down a bad road. She got pregnant on purpose before because her best friend was pregnant and she was jealous. We all know (family and his friends who all hate her BTW) she will try to get pregnant again. My son is just naive and stupid. He uses girls like he did drugs to make himself happy. The other night we got into a huge fight because he was gone till 1am and we had no idea where he was or if he was coming home (he didn't have a key). He was with this other girl. I asked him how he could look at himself in the mirror and said after all this girl did for him, how could he hurt her like that. He says they just talked (yeah whatever). He lies all the time. He has for years. It just comes out of his mouth.

His sweet gf deserves so much better. In the long run he did her a favor. She is a much better person than he is. It pains me to say my son is an extremely selfish, self centered man who cares only about himself or what someone can do for him.

I told my husband I cant do it anymore. I cannot be involved in any way, shape or form. I want to know nothing. I am TIRED. I am worn out. Whatever happens, happens. My husband and I told him we want him out. I cannot handle the stress he brings. He says until he can find a full time job it will be difficult so I have decided ignoring him as much as possible is the best I can do. I feel he will be getting a full time job soon. A friend of his says there are jobs opening where she works in January and she does the hiring so we are hopeful. Both his sister and brother have lost respect for him as have both my husband and I. I am embarrassed to have a child who is so self centered. I did not raise him to be this way.

This was the last straw. I do not feel the same way about him anymore. I am done. I have finally hit my wall where I know I will no longer do anything for him. NOTHING. I realize it is his life and his decision. I am not trying to say whom he should or should not be with. He is 30 (even though he acts 15). He has just made bad decision after bad decision and we have tried to help him find recovery and turn his life around. He got the tools at rehab. He knows right from wrong. I am just sick over how uncaring and selfish he is. I think that is what bothers me the most. His total disregard for anyone else and how his actions affect them. Have any other parents felt this way about their own child? I am so disgusted. The only good thing to come out of this is I have no feeling of trying to fix him nor help him anymore. Maybe that is a good thing.

Ruby2

I am sorry you are going through this. I can only offer support. My addict is my husband who sounds much like your son. Selfish and uncaring about the pain that he causes. I cannot imagine what it like for you as his mother. Hang in there.

Newimage

The answer to that would be yes, yes, and yes. Unfortunately, because of proximity, we know a lot more than we need to know about the lives of our adult children. It is very hard not to have an opinion or a reaction. Personally I have been disappointed, shocked, horrified, disgusted, ashamed, and afraid for my life.

It has been hard to reconcile the reality of who my AD is today with my memory of the 6 year old exclaiming "I love you, Mommy!" and meaning it.

But as hard as it is, yes, it can be a good thing. Sometimes it's time for them to go.

Jend719

Yes...there were times when I have gone to therapy and told her "I can't stand my AD" feeling like it was the only place and person to whom I could say that openly and honestly. (Before I found SR lol). It makes you feel horrible as a mother to think it let alone say it out loud. It's more hating the behavior that doesn't change. Watching them be self destructive and feeling so powerless. I always say my daughter can't see what's coming around the corner to save her own life. Meaning she can't see the consequences of her behavior. She just acts impulsive and then is overwhelmed and shocked at the consequences. Like hellooo didn't you think this was gonna happen? It's so very hard to let go. The book "the language of letting go" has been very helpful to me.
Like you said, he is 30yo and needs to make his own way. Try to trust the process and remember that this is HIS path and are HIS lessons to learn.
Sending you hugs.

overit263

An addict forces you to feel no other way eventually in my opinion. It doesn't matter if they are a parent, child, spouse, significant other...you just get pushed in the direction of feeling that way because you just can't take anymore. I think it makes letting go easier.

YouWillBe

There is a graphic going around my Facebook feed that says "Don't push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn."

I think even MOMS can get to that point.

I used to see mothers talk about going no contact and I couldn't understand it. It hurt my heart to think about and I just knew I could never do that to my daughter. (She's 30, also.) I felt there was nothing she could ever do that would make me not want to see or speak with her...she was my child, soul of my soul...just couldn't happen.

Well, I think it has. Nothing huge or giant...no earth-shaking crisis or emergency, really. Just the constant, never-ending fear and panic for her life, the always needing, asking, asking, taking, taking, expecting, requesting, demanding actions that, once built upon each other over the last few years, finally become too much.

Just last night, the simplest request for $50 for rent to pay the person she's staying with turned into a crying, pleading fit when I said no. I don't really know if it was actually for rent or not...and I find I don't really care. But the drop-everything-for-the-latest-crisis-bug has bitten me for the last time, apparently.

I SAID NO and meant it. I didn't buy into the statement that she would be out of my life forever if that's what I wanted. I didn't fall for the I have no one else to help me and no where else to go. I didn't flinch when she swore and begged and guilted me. I didn't change my resolve when she said OKAY OKAY I'LL GO TO THE RECOVERY CENTER, MOM, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

I think I finally came to the point of wishing she would not get in touch again, unless and until she is really ready to get help.

It happens. Even for a mom towards her child. And the bond that we have is so strong, you know it has to have been the greatest pain ever for a mother's heart to finally let go.

needingabreak

Thank you all for your replies. I could feel your own struggles and pain in them. I have had some very negative ugly feelings these past few weeks because like YOUWILLBE said, it is the constant asking asking asking, taking taking taking. He only bothers with us when he needs something then something happens and he comes crying to us for help. YOUWILLBE, I have finally hit my wall as well. They make their own choices and we can no longer save them. They have to start thinking ahead. My son's car will someday die. He has no money. He needs to start saving or he is in trouble. He has debt he needs to pay. I am not helping him. He has the tools and knowledge to figure it out. If he wants to blow his money and not try to learn to save that is his problem. We cant follow them around forever and pick up the pieces. We have gone above and beyond. I swear I've aged ten years in the last 6 months.

Jend- your sentence "I always say my daughter can't see what's coming around the corner to save her own life. Meaning she can't see the consequences of her behavior. She just acts impulsive and then is overwhelmed and shocked at the consequences" hit the nail on the head. He is very impulsive and doesn't ever seem to think past the action he is involved in. Consequences? What are those? Time to stop and think.

I went to church early this morning and took a lot away from it. It was about how we are dehumanized and need to be rehumanized again through God. I found one talking point interesting and thought of my son especially. The preacher spoke of how we believe we are above God, that instead of allowing him to take control that we think we know better. I am certainly guilty of this but when many people try to speak to him about things, he doesn't listen. It's like he just knows so much more than everyone. No one understands. I pray he grows up and sees that different girls, drugs, anything else he tries to chase for his high will ultimately fail because these things only bring temporary happiness. he needs God in his life and faith along with hope for his future. Now he is living in his own fantasy world where he can be with a different girl every 6 months and not think about his reality. All I can do is pray he continues with therapy and his therapist is good.

The bond is very strong for parent/child and I think that is why it takes us so long to let go because it is the hardest thing in the world to watch your child of your own flesh and blood self destruct while you stand by powerless.

Twofish

Dear YouWillBe, Thank you for saying that out loud, about not wanting to see or speak to my ADs, that never ending fear, worry and panic they put me through, not to even mention the GUILT that is thrown at me daily. This would of never happened to them if you would of just bought me a car, or paid my rent or whatever the "drop everything for the latest crisis bug" request is. It's so famillar, how everything is MY fault, she would leave and never call or see me again, how "I" would love it to see her kill herself, because this is what "I" want!
Addiction twists every single word around to what is convient to what the demon wants. Ok, I got that off my chest and I thank you, YouWillBe, for making me feel better and not so alone, that other moms (and dads and the ones who love addicts) are going thru this verbal attack too. My ADs are 19 & 22, in recovery, one is sober and one is on Methadone and other opiates due to a bad moped accident 3 weeks ago which was my fault cause I wouldn't just buy her a car! Us parents and the ones whom love addicts will always have this bond. TF

Raider

I can't imagine the pain of having an addicted child. I don't have that experience. But every time I read a story of the heart break parents go through, I pray for you.

Jend719

Needingabreak...I'm so happy that you received a great message at church today. You are right where you need to be. My AD needs God in her life also. I just sent her a recovery life bible to the jail. There's a workbook that's goes along with it. It incorporates the 12 steps. She's actually been praying. Before jail she didn't believe in God.

This whole experience brought me back to the church. My hubby is struggling with emotions too. My mom was here and reminded both of us that all of these experiences in life, theirs AND ours, are all meant to draw us closer to God ...that's the ultimate goal to come here, learn, grow and become one with our true self that God intended for us to be.
I guess the hard part is to allow each person their own time to find their way on their journey. When they take the long route we want to scream and yell and say hey ...over here...this way is faster and easier. As long as they get there eventually.

jjj111

Needingabreak, anger can sometimes be very motivating. It can motivate us to change unhealthy patterns and set boundaries to protect ourselves. But in my case at least, acting out of anger can also sometimes set me up to let down those boundaries, because after anger I often feel guilt. I have found that when I'm able to set boundaries from a place of compassion and love, when I set my boundaries calmly and non-judgmentally, it is easier to maintain them afterward because I feel less guilty. I'm sorry you're in such a difficult situation with your son. I hope you will find a way to make your home a peaceful place again!

zoso77

NeedingABreak,

Generally speaking, I don't often reply to members' stories about their children because I don't have children of my own and feel unqualified to speak on how to deal with those types of issues.

That said, I can relate to your sense of disgust. When we invest in sick people, they can't absorb what we give them. And when they do something that is so over-the-top awful after all we've done for them, that's often the moment where we say, Enough!!

So, you're at that point. There's really nothing to do at this moment except look after yourself. Whatever happens to your AS will happen, for good or for ill.

ZoSo

Ann

From one mama who loves her son and had to let go, to another...let go or be dragged, mama, there is no place for us in our children's addiction.

Keeping your boy in my prayers, with my boy and all the others who are in God's hands. He can do for them what we cannot...let's let Him.

Hugs

needingabreak

Thank you so much for all the support. Today in church they preached about giving God the control. That is exactly what I am doing. It is hard not to worry that he will start smoking pot or worse hanging out at her house but again, I have no control. For today, I am thankful for all God has given me and so very thankful for each and every one of you. Your thoughtful and supportive words help so much. My Christmas wish is for the coming year to be so much better than this last one for all of us.