This is scareing me
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
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This is scareing me
I think Im holding it together and getting on with things, I mean, Im not on the bathroom floor sobbing anymore so at least there is that. but I know underneath it all im falling apart...I can keep it together so that people around me aren't uncomfortable but when Im alone, its a fight.
If anything comes up or goes wrong, I loose it. Im starting to have anxiety attacks. I feel really uncomfortable going out say to the grocery store, like every one is looking at me and I just need to get out of there.
This is not who I am, I don't even recognize this person. I was the one who loved the crowds, loved being at parties and concerts and meeting new people and just being out there. Now I feel so, I don't even know the word....like Im so repulsive that im embarrassed to make eye contact, that people are looking at me like im crazy. I cant even explain it.
I know, make yourself get out, go do fun things...I do. and I can pull it off but then all I can think is I just want to go home and be left alone, its exhausting pretending that everything is fine. I have nothing to look forward to. I live in constant fear of being left alone....that feeling of abandonment will sent me into a full blown panic and I cant even handle it. Yes ive done therapy. Since we moved I have no coverage so that is not possible anymore. a lot of it comes from my father leaving when I was 2 and never coming back, I never knew him. I was raised by my single mother...a therapist told me that my XAH leaving brought all of that up that I had never confronted before. I understand that but it doesn't help me get through it.
Im in constant fear that our son will decide he wants to go live with his dad, and then I will have nothing. That's crazy since they don't even talk but my son is so unhappy and misses his friends, Im afraid he will go just so he can be with his friends again. Im feeling desperate and isolating myself more and more every day. I hate feeling like this but don't know how to get out of it. I use to love to run and I will make myself do it but it doesn't feel good anymore. nothing I use to love feels the same, it just doesn't matter. Tonight my son was being so defiant I just left and went to a movie. The second the lights went off I started crying and cried through the whole thing. I was a 3 hour movie....I hate that ive let my X have this much control over me and how I feel on a daily basis.
I don't know how to get my happy back.
If anything comes up or goes wrong, I loose it. Im starting to have anxiety attacks. I feel really uncomfortable going out say to the grocery store, like every one is looking at me and I just need to get out of there.
This is not who I am, I don't even recognize this person. I was the one who loved the crowds, loved being at parties and concerts and meeting new people and just being out there. Now I feel so, I don't even know the word....like Im so repulsive that im embarrassed to make eye contact, that people are looking at me like im crazy. I cant even explain it.
I know, make yourself get out, go do fun things...I do. and I can pull it off but then all I can think is I just want to go home and be left alone, its exhausting pretending that everything is fine. I have nothing to look forward to. I live in constant fear of being left alone....that feeling of abandonment will sent me into a full blown panic and I cant even handle it. Yes ive done therapy. Since we moved I have no coverage so that is not possible anymore. a lot of it comes from my father leaving when I was 2 and never coming back, I never knew him. I was raised by my single mother...a therapist told me that my XAH leaving brought all of that up that I had never confronted before. I understand that but it doesn't help me get through it.
Im in constant fear that our son will decide he wants to go live with his dad, and then I will have nothing. That's crazy since they don't even talk but my son is so unhappy and misses his friends, Im afraid he will go just so he can be with his friends again. Im feeling desperate and isolating myself more and more every day. I hate feeling like this but don't know how to get out of it. I use to love to run and I will make myself do it but it doesn't feel good anymore. nothing I use to love feels the same, it just doesn't matter. Tonight my son was being so defiant I just left and went to a movie. The second the lights went off I started crying and cried through the whole thing. I was a 3 hour movie....I hate that ive let my X have this much control over me and how I feel on a daily basis.
I don't know how to get my happy back.
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Formyboys-
I wish I could tell you the how in this. For me it just took time, a lot of hard work and time.
I am coming up on three years out from my divorce and I finally feel like I am starting to be social again.
For me my relationship with my exAH did not bring up abandonment issues, but it did shake a lot of stuff loose for me about my family of origin that this forced me to look at. It is only now that it is starting to make sense and I am getting my feet back underneath me (emotionally that is).
Therapy helped me (which I understand is not an option right now). I also did a workbook called "The Grief Recovery Group." They often are done in person (not an option for me). There were exercises in there that were profound for me to sit, write and cry about.
I had the structure for recovery in place early on. I was financially okay, had a roof over my head etc. For me the hard part was this old festering wound, that I could not heal until I opened it up and cleaned it out. Then and only then did it get a chance to heal.
Finally, this is not necessarily the easiest thing to hear right now, but this period for me was exactly what I needed in retrospect. If I had not had this relationship to FORCE me to look at this stuff I would not have gotten to the point of working on this painful stuff I don't think. I did not enjoy the lessons at all, but the learning has been invaluable.
I mentioned earlier I am coming back to my social self, but with a new confidence of trusting me inside. Me, myself and I and how to take care of us.
I wish I could tell you the how in this. For me it just took time, a lot of hard work and time.
I am coming up on three years out from my divorce and I finally feel like I am starting to be social again.
For me my relationship with my exAH did not bring up abandonment issues, but it did shake a lot of stuff loose for me about my family of origin that this forced me to look at. It is only now that it is starting to make sense and I am getting my feet back underneath me (emotionally that is).
Therapy helped me (which I understand is not an option right now). I also did a workbook called "The Grief Recovery Group." They often are done in person (not an option for me). There were exercises in there that were profound for me to sit, write and cry about.
I had the structure for recovery in place early on. I was financially okay, had a roof over my head etc. For me the hard part was this old festering wound, that I could not heal until I opened it up and cleaned it out. Then and only then did it get a chance to heal.
Finally, this is not necessarily the easiest thing to hear right now, but this period for me was exactly what I needed in retrospect. If I had not had this relationship to FORCE me to look at this stuff I would not have gotten to the point of working on this painful stuff I don't think. I did not enjoy the lessons at all, but the learning has been invaluable.
I mentioned earlier I am coming back to my social self, but with a new confidence of trusting me inside. Me, myself and I and how to take care of us.
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Babe - refresh my memory, how long has it been? I've been divorced going on four years. I'm still working through it. It's not a straight line. Progress doesn't happen like that, at least it hasn't for me. I still get anxiety attacks in the grocery store. I still start crying and have to go to the office bathroom and lock the door.
But it happens less and less often.
Right now I'm in a valley - holidays and court hearings don't mix - but I HAVE been happy and I HAVE been able to enjoy life and face new challenges and laugh hysterically and meet new people and breathe without fear. I will again.
When I'm in these valleys I don't remember that. When I'm in these valleys I just want to isolate and hate myself. Today, I gave myself a good talking to and made myself clean the house too to bottom. And then I felt a bit better because I felt like I had accomplished something.
Give yourself time. And grace. And love. And care. What would you tell your best friend to do?
But it happens less and less often.
Right now I'm in a valley - holidays and court hearings don't mix - but I HAVE been happy and I HAVE been able to enjoy life and face new challenges and laugh hysterically and meet new people and breathe without fear. I will again.
When I'm in these valleys I don't remember that. When I'm in these valleys I just want to isolate and hate myself. Today, I gave myself a good talking to and made myself clean the house too to bottom. And then I felt a bit better because I felt like I had accomplished something.
Give yourself time. And grace. And love. And care. What would you tell your best friend to do?
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Ok...I really thought that this was all abnormal...its been 2 years and I thought "its just not normal to be this distraught 2 years after the fact"...
Thank you so much guys, hearing that others have and are going through this makes it a little better. but I still just cant believe the hit this has been emotionally on me. I thought I had been through worse then a divorce. I feel like I will never recover from this at times and that thought makes me panic. I cant live like this. I have to do something. I cant stand the thought of "this is my life"
Thank you so much guys, hearing that others have and are going through this makes it a little better. but I still just cant believe the hit this has been emotionally on me. I thought I had been through worse then a divorce. I feel like I will never recover from this at times and that thought makes me panic. I cant live like this. I have to do something. I cant stand the thought of "this is my life"
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Formyboys-
There was an affair in my relationship that finally got me dealing with the alcohol that had been there much longer.
In the recovery from an affair world they say it takes two to five years to heal from an affair. This comforted me, as it gave me a time frame to function in.
Similar to lillamy I am finding that the challenges are different for me now then they were. In some ways they are harder because it is not about shock and coping to just get through a day, it is about deep, underlying hard stuff that I don't want to look at. It is NOT about my exAH anymore....it is about my stuff that I really don't want to look at but in my case my relationship with my exAH is forcing me to. It is also hard because I sometimes expect myself to be over it, and sometimes others do also.
As long as I am moving and clearing my stuff up I call that progress, especially when it is those hard to reach dark corners. Cleaning them out sometimes looks like a step back, but when they are clean the light can shine in again.
I meant to say the Grief book is a national program often put on in communities for very low cost. A number of my Al-Anon friends did it and got a lot out of it. I found out about it from a different channel.
Finally I don't know if this applies (or helps), but this year one of the things that I did that has seemed to help is that I finally saw/talked to/created an opportunity to connect with old friends. Friends that were "mine" in a way that had nothing to do with my ex. They are trusted, have known me, and talking about it helped to get rid of the shame around the continued struggles.
There was an affair in my relationship that finally got me dealing with the alcohol that had been there much longer.
In the recovery from an affair world they say it takes two to five years to heal from an affair. This comforted me, as it gave me a time frame to function in.
Similar to lillamy I am finding that the challenges are different for me now then they were. In some ways they are harder because it is not about shock and coping to just get through a day, it is about deep, underlying hard stuff that I don't want to look at. It is NOT about my exAH anymore....it is about my stuff that I really don't want to look at but in my case my relationship with my exAH is forcing me to. It is also hard because I sometimes expect myself to be over it, and sometimes others do also.
As long as I am moving and clearing my stuff up I call that progress, especially when it is those hard to reach dark corners. Cleaning them out sometimes looks like a step back, but when they are clean the light can shine in again.
I meant to say the Grief book is a national program often put on in communities for very low cost. A number of my Al-Anon friends did it and got a lot out of it. I found out about it from a different channel.
Finally I don't know if this applies (or helps), but this year one of the things that I did that has seemed to help is that I finally saw/talked to/created an opportunity to connect with old friends. Friends that were "mine" in a way that had nothing to do with my ex. They are trusted, have known me, and talking about it helped to get rid of the shame around the continued struggles.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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All of these responses were very helpful to me, as I'm in the trenches of divorce to an A. Discovering his alcoholism, learning about co-dependency, and then the divorce, all dug up family of origin issues for me too. A year of talk therapy and A LOT of book-reading removed a few huge blind spots from my vision. I understand so much more about how my own relationships were influenced by my upbringing. I feel reinvigorated in a way, because I have learned a lesson that I will know in the deepest part of my being for the rest of my life. There is no forgetting what I have learned, and though the lesson was painful, it means a richer life for me in the future.
And what is it with having a hard time looking people in the eye? My therapist would call me on it relentlessly, and after bringing a lot of conscious attention to it, I am much better about feeling comfortable looking people in the eye. I don't remember ever feeling awkward about it prior to the last few years. I think it was a situational response to the crises I had just been through, and I do notice a change as life becomes more peaceful. I am much more comfortable holding eye contact now. I think it is shame- and anger- based as well, and working through that helped.
At one point I felt as though I couldn't look certain people in the eye because I was afraid they would see how angry I was. We lovely ladies aren't supposed to be angry. But I sure as hell was, and had been swallowing it, in some respects, for a lifetime.
If you are feeling pain, then you know you are alive. It's when you only feel numb that you need to worry. The pain means that you are recovering. It just takes time. I second Lillamy: give yourself time, love, grace, and care. How about for a week, give yourself as many luscious treats as you can think of, just to "prime the pump"? Every thing you do to cherish and care for your brave, smart, loving-to-run, loving-your-son self will also move you along the path of recovery.
Hugs,
B
And what is it with having a hard time looking people in the eye? My therapist would call me on it relentlessly, and after bringing a lot of conscious attention to it, I am much better about feeling comfortable looking people in the eye. I don't remember ever feeling awkward about it prior to the last few years. I think it was a situational response to the crises I had just been through, and I do notice a change as life becomes more peaceful. I am much more comfortable holding eye contact now. I think it is shame- and anger- based as well, and working through that helped.
At one point I felt as though I couldn't look certain people in the eye because I was afraid they would see how angry I was. We lovely ladies aren't supposed to be angry. But I sure as hell was, and had been swallowing it, in some respects, for a lifetime.
If you are feeling pain, then you know you are alive. It's when you only feel numb that you need to worry. The pain means that you are recovering. It just takes time. I second Lillamy: give yourself time, love, grace, and care. How about for a week, give yourself as many luscious treats as you can think of, just to "prime the pump"? Every thing you do to cherish and care for your brave, smart, loving-to-run, loving-your-son self will also move you along the path of recovery.
Hugs,
B
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Rene Brown has some great info on eye contact....and that often when we are unwilling to make eye contact because we are in "shame."
Just looking up (I always look at the ground when I am struggling) can help get us out of shame. Not even looking them in the eye, but just up seems like such a little thing that can break us out of such a painful experience.
Just looking up (I always look at the ground when I am struggling) can help get us out of shame. Not even looking them in the eye, but just up seems like such a little thing that can break us out of such a painful experience.
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formyboys--don't overlook the possibility that you have become isolated and depressed. Perhaps you should see a professional for an assessment. If you don't have insurance--contact your local health dept. for their low cost or free clinic. I agree with you that you need to act on this.
dandylion
dandylion
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Thanks all of you, I took something last night and got a good nights sleep which I hadn't done in quite a while.
it really does make me feel better that others are experiencing the same thing, I thought I was losing my mind. this person I am now is so far off from who I was...Ive been through some major stuff, life has taken turns for me before but I have never had anything hit me like this. before we moved a therapist had me on anti depressants that I took for months but they just didn't work so I stopped. I keep telling myself if I could just get back into my routine, get up and go running, get out and make some new friends...its just not happening. I think I leased this property out in the middle of no where so I wouldn't have anyone around. If I could I would crawl in bed and stay there. My son keeps me from that, I don't want him to see his mother that way so I "keep up appearances" but its getting harder to maintain.
My oldest who is 30 was laid off in California, he decided to move out here and give it a shot. Hes been here for a month and is still looking for a job etc. His gf is still in California and trying to wrap things up to get out here with him. He is miserable and making it hard on everyone. That is not helping. But Im watching him and how he reacts to situations and seeing myself or how I use to be anyway. I was a young single mom with him, and not good at it. I was a screamer back then and would flip out at things. I see him being that way and think well he learned well.
He is getting upset at the way I am handeling things with his younger brother. He constantly gets upset at what he feels his brother is getting away with....its crazy. I tell him that parents hopefully learn from their mistakes and try to do better with siblings but he is unhappy and fixating on the fact that im a horrible parent and that is why his brother is 'getting out of control". He doesn't see that his brother has gone from smoking and flunking all classes, being crazy defiant and punching holes in walls, to calming down, passing his classes and not fixating on his dad. yes he is a teenager and leaves messes around the house and forgets to do his chores...that is not the end of the world! lol but when he was younger it was, or I reacted like it was at least.
ugg!!..life is a mess right now..I know it wont stay this way. but I really just want to run away. I feel like the collateral damage that my XAH left behind. Every year he makes a big huge deal about his "birthday" of recovery and the years he has sober..Feb. will be 4 years. He raised my 2 older kids from very young ages with me. He has not spoken to them in over 2 years...He has no relationship with our son together and refuses to have any contact including co parenting with me...its as if as long as hes with this woman he needs to act as if we never existed. We were separated for a year and a half while he was going threw his out patient rehab and he spoke to the boys every day..was involved in their lives. All the cutting off started when he met her.
She is a heavy drinker, so Im told by my son. I guess that makes him feel better about himself I don't know.
yeah....I need to get into some therapy because none of this is my business and I need to focus on me. If I don't I feel like Im going to disappear.
it really does make me feel better that others are experiencing the same thing, I thought I was losing my mind. this person I am now is so far off from who I was...Ive been through some major stuff, life has taken turns for me before but I have never had anything hit me like this. before we moved a therapist had me on anti depressants that I took for months but they just didn't work so I stopped. I keep telling myself if I could just get back into my routine, get up and go running, get out and make some new friends...its just not happening. I think I leased this property out in the middle of no where so I wouldn't have anyone around. If I could I would crawl in bed and stay there. My son keeps me from that, I don't want him to see his mother that way so I "keep up appearances" but its getting harder to maintain.
My oldest who is 30 was laid off in California, he decided to move out here and give it a shot. Hes been here for a month and is still looking for a job etc. His gf is still in California and trying to wrap things up to get out here with him. He is miserable and making it hard on everyone. That is not helping. But Im watching him and how he reacts to situations and seeing myself or how I use to be anyway. I was a young single mom with him, and not good at it. I was a screamer back then and would flip out at things. I see him being that way and think well he learned well.
He is getting upset at the way I am handeling things with his younger brother. He constantly gets upset at what he feels his brother is getting away with....its crazy. I tell him that parents hopefully learn from their mistakes and try to do better with siblings but he is unhappy and fixating on the fact that im a horrible parent and that is why his brother is 'getting out of control". He doesn't see that his brother has gone from smoking and flunking all classes, being crazy defiant and punching holes in walls, to calming down, passing his classes and not fixating on his dad. yes he is a teenager and leaves messes around the house and forgets to do his chores...that is not the end of the world! lol but when he was younger it was, or I reacted like it was at least.
ugg!!..life is a mess right now..I know it wont stay this way. but I really just want to run away. I feel like the collateral damage that my XAH left behind. Every year he makes a big huge deal about his "birthday" of recovery and the years he has sober..Feb. will be 4 years. He raised my 2 older kids from very young ages with me. He has not spoken to them in over 2 years...He has no relationship with our son together and refuses to have any contact including co parenting with me...its as if as long as hes with this woman he needs to act as if we never existed. We were separated for a year and a half while he was going threw his out patient rehab and he spoke to the boys every day..was involved in their lives. All the cutting off started when he met her.
She is a heavy drinker, so Im told by my son. I guess that makes him feel better about himself I don't know.
yeah....I need to get into some therapy because none of this is my business and I need to focus on me. If I don't I feel like Im going to disappear.
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hi formyboys,
just to relate... my father raised (i use that term loosely) my younger sister and i alone for ten years. he was abusive to me and treated her like an angel. when i was 18 he remarried a woman he had known for 2 months (whose alimony was running out, we found out about her dubious finances after the wedding). it was always tense and revolved around my father's state of emotion in our house, but we were a tight family unit. after his wedding, my sister and i were cast aside and my stepmother made it clear that she was married to my dad and did not want us around. and he gave her what she wanted. they live a very shallow life with newer friends as she gets rid of our family and his older friends.
i don't know what that is exactly, but i have seen it in several other cases of divorced dads remarrying women who want the men to themselves and do not want their former families or baggage. the men comply to live their new blissful lives. their former families get dumped and cast off. of course there is absolutely no acknowledgement that is what's going on.
for me and my sister we found that establishing lives outside and away from the selfish parent is the healthiest thing to do. sometimes it is painful like around the holidays (although i got a verbally abusive call on t-day from dad) like with and alcoholic (even though my dad is not one) i didn't cause it, i cant control it and i cant cure/fix it.
therapy helped me with family of origin issues that have plagued me and are obvious catalysts for my former relationships with an abuser and an A. another big helpful thing for me was accepting the way my father is and that he will not change. i struggle with that from time to time, but working on that acceptance allows me to lower my expectations of him to pretty much zero.
hugs to your family
just to relate... my father raised (i use that term loosely) my younger sister and i alone for ten years. he was abusive to me and treated her like an angel. when i was 18 he remarried a woman he had known for 2 months (whose alimony was running out, we found out about her dubious finances after the wedding). it was always tense and revolved around my father's state of emotion in our house, but we were a tight family unit. after his wedding, my sister and i were cast aside and my stepmother made it clear that she was married to my dad and did not want us around. and he gave her what she wanted. they live a very shallow life with newer friends as she gets rid of our family and his older friends.
i don't know what that is exactly, but i have seen it in several other cases of divorced dads remarrying women who want the men to themselves and do not want their former families or baggage. the men comply to live their new blissful lives. their former families get dumped and cast off. of course there is absolutely no acknowledgement that is what's going on.
for me and my sister we found that establishing lives outside and away from the selfish parent is the healthiest thing to do. sometimes it is painful like around the holidays (although i got a verbally abusive call on t-day from dad) like with and alcoholic (even though my dad is not one) i didn't cause it, i cant control it and i cant cure/fix it.
therapy helped me with family of origin issues that have plagued me and are obvious catalysts for my former relationships with an abuser and an A. another big helpful thing for me was accepting the way my father is and that he will not change. i struggle with that from time to time, but working on that acceptance allows me to lower my expectations of him to pretty much zero.
hugs to your family
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Formyboys-
I overlooked it, but agree with Dandylion.
I was under a therapists care and we had a deal. If she thought I was depressed to the point of needing something she just needed to say the word and I would have that discussion with my MD no questions asked.
It was a good way of making sure I took care of myself and to have back up just in case.
I overlooked it, but agree with Dandylion.
I was under a therapists care and we had a deal. If she thought I was depressed to the point of needing something she just needed to say the word and I would have that discussion with my MD no questions asked.
It was a good way of making sure I took care of myself and to have back up just in case.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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formyboys, I would guess, from your posts, that you have moved from situational depression to major depression, which CAN be treated by the right anti-depressant.
As someone else posted, there is medical help available to people who can't pay for it. Many hospital systems in order to maintain their non-profit status, must provide a certain amount of charitable care even though they may not advertise it. Try groups that help women for domestic violence and groups that help those who need financial help for living and medical care. Try church organizations. Just one call each day until you find the resources you need.
From my experience, it is major depression when it transcends a bad unhappy life situation and just won't go away, and just gets deeper. When you get to this point, you just can't believe it can be fixed, and that in itself is another clear signpost toward major depression.
Major depression is biologically based, not caused by external situations. A psychiatrist is the best doctor to treat this because knowing the intricacies of anti-depressant medication is their forte. A MD or a therapist do not have this expertise, whatever they may say. It can take trying several medications to get the right one for you. Don't give up on anti-depressants; just try the next one.
When I realized my depression "had legs" beyond what I would have expected for a particular situation, and when I realized that past traumas were also surfacing, I found this immensely helpful.
I also found a great book about how past trauma amplified current trauma:
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships Paperback by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. (Author)
My typing is terrible right now - had unexpected rotator cuff/bicep tear surgery last Wed. PM me if you want...
Just remember: you r not alone. This can be treated. You will feel better. AND we are all here with you and for you.
Shooting Star1
As someone else posted, there is medical help available to people who can't pay for it. Many hospital systems in order to maintain their non-profit status, must provide a certain amount of charitable care even though they may not advertise it. Try groups that help women for domestic violence and groups that help those who need financial help for living and medical care. Try church organizations. Just one call each day until you find the resources you need.
From my experience, it is major depression when it transcends a bad unhappy life situation and just won't go away, and just gets deeper. When you get to this point, you just can't believe it can be fixed, and that in itself is another clear signpost toward major depression.
Major depression is biologically based, not caused by external situations. A psychiatrist is the best doctor to treat this because knowing the intricacies of anti-depressant medication is their forte. A MD or a therapist do not have this expertise, whatever they may say. It can take trying several medications to get the right one for you. Don't give up on anti-depressants; just try the next one.
When I realized my depression "had legs" beyond what I would have expected for a particular situation, and when I realized that past traumas were also surfacing, I found this immensely helpful.
I also found a great book about how past trauma amplified current trauma:
The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships Paperback by Patrick Carnes Ph.D. (Author)
My typing is terrible right now - had unexpected rotator cuff/bicep tear surgery last Wed. PM me if you want...
Just remember: you r not alone. This can be treated. You will feel better. AND we are all here with you and for you.
Shooting Star1
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thank you shooting star..I will look into it, I guess that I feel like at times Im ok so it cant be depression. And Im sure there are people who would so no, I don't think shes depressed at all. As I said I can keep it together for appearance sake..but when Im alone I really start to scare myself..I know its not normal to think the way I do about myself. I was always a confidant out going person...that person is long gone.
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So sorry you are feeling this way.
Be very gentle on yourself. Don't have any expectations of yourself.
If you feel you don't want to go out, then don't.
When I felt this way I decided to listen to my body & be guided by that.
I stayed close to home for sometime & remember feeling exactly like you when I had to go somewhere or be amongst others.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Take some time for yourself to recover, be in places where you think you'll feel most comfortable.
And please keep posting because you are not alone & we are here to support you.
Hugs.
Be very gentle on yourself. Don't have any expectations of yourself.
If you feel you don't want to go out, then don't.
When I felt this way I decided to listen to my body & be guided by that.
I stayed close to home for sometime & remember feeling exactly like you when I had to go somewhere or be amongst others.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.
Take some time for yourself to recover, be in places where you think you'll feel most comfortable.
And please keep posting because you are not alone & we are here to support you.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I feel like I will never recover from this at times and that thought makes me panic. I cant live like this. I have to do something. I cant stand the thought of "this is my life"
I'm seeing a therapist. I'm going to Al-Anon. I'm on antidepressants. I have been known to take anti-anxiety pills every once in a blue moon (although I hate them).
So I just wanted to clarify my post above to say that while grief and getting over stuff takes time -- there is no way to do it alone and without the help that is available to you.
If you're not seeing a therapist, haven't discussed major depression and anxiety (which is now the same diagnosis), and talked about what your options are (medication and other), DO IT. If you had a broken bone or an open sore that wouldn't heal, you'd keep going back to the doc until it did.
This is no different.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Silicon Valley, CA
Posts: 2,066
I'm so sorry. I have no advice but can relate to isolating yourself and trying to pretend that things are fine when you *know* that they aren't. Big hugs to you. I hope that things become easier in time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
everybody has given great thoughts, I really appreciate all of them. I need to make a list and start working on getting myself back to where I feel like Im ok...like the whole health insurance thing. this is the first time in my life I haven't had health insurance. when we married I went to part time work in order to care for my disabled son..We had insurance through my XRAH and with the divorce I lost that. I recently got on at a hospital here (since we moved south) but it is part time also. Im hoping it turns into full time but in the mean time I have nothing, no vision, dental, nothing.
I cant even tell you how it feels to not be able to take care of yourself in the way I feel like I should be able to. but that's on my list, and getting back into my running on a regular basis, getting involved in something...anything..I played co ed softball before the move but strangely they don't have any adult leagues here where I am...getting to like myself again, that's on my list although I think that is going to be the hardest.
My whole life I feared I would end up exactly where I am now...I always had this inner voice that told me "you are a fraud, when they get to know who you really are they will not like you". My XRAH was the first person in my life I felt like really knew me and still loved me. The first person I ever trusted. and that was a lie. Turns out once he got sober he realized he never should have married me, at least that's what he says.
I am a good person. I try to do the right thing, I help people that I see need help, I teach my sons to love and be non judgmental of people and what it means to have integrity and respect. Since Ive gotten involved with Alanon Ive learned how co dependent I am and have worked on that...I want to be better. I want to be the strong independent person I was and just go on and live life happily. I want my sons to be unscarred and happy also. but sometimes I feel like Im their biggest road block.
last night I read some of my old post, the ones I posted while I was going through it with him, when I was my3sonsnme. I had forgotten some of the things he had said and done...wow...just wow. sometimes I wish I could hold on to a little bit of that anger..it feels better then this pathetic constant pain.
I cant even tell you how it feels to not be able to take care of yourself in the way I feel like I should be able to. but that's on my list, and getting back into my running on a regular basis, getting involved in something...anything..I played co ed softball before the move but strangely they don't have any adult leagues here where I am...getting to like myself again, that's on my list although I think that is going to be the hardest.
My whole life I feared I would end up exactly where I am now...I always had this inner voice that told me "you are a fraud, when they get to know who you really are they will not like you". My XRAH was the first person in my life I felt like really knew me and still loved me. The first person I ever trusted. and that was a lie. Turns out once he got sober he realized he never should have married me, at least that's what he says.
I am a good person. I try to do the right thing, I help people that I see need help, I teach my sons to love and be non judgmental of people and what it means to have integrity and respect. Since Ive gotten involved with Alanon Ive learned how co dependent I am and have worked on that...I want to be better. I want to be the strong independent person I was and just go on and live life happily. I want my sons to be unscarred and happy also. but sometimes I feel like Im their biggest road block.
last night I read some of my old post, the ones I posted while I was going through it with him, when I was my3sonsnme. I had forgotten some of the things he had said and done...wow...just wow. sometimes I wish I could hold on to a little bit of that anger..it feels better then this pathetic constant pain.
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