Made a decision to go out, then decided against it
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Lincoln Park, NJ
Posts: 13
Made a decision to go out, then decided against it
hey guys... i just posted yesterday on 130th day of sobriety. This morning I decided I was going to test the waters with pot and alcohol tonight. I called my sponsor and spoke to a few buddies from AA to let them know I wasn't certain if I was an alcoholic or not and that I wanted to do this. They all said what they only could've which was I needed to make the decision myself. I then talked to mom who was upset over the idea, but didn't oppose besides saying she didn't want me to smoke pot again and if she did she would throw me out of the house. I'm 22 and in my last years of college, I have everything going for me and probably still would if I went back out since I was getting high and drinking previously but made it to where I am. Around 5pm I started to become overwhelmed with guilt, called a buddy from AA and basically decided not to go out. I don't want to make another decision tomorrow. Honestly, one of the only things keeping me sober is the fact that it would break my mom's heart if I went back to the place I was in (selling weed, getting high most of the day) and drinking excessively occasionally, at times to blackout. I honestly don't wanna go out, but I don't wanna be sober at this point either. I'm lost and just wish I had more of a definition of what I consider myself to be, alcoholic or not. The funny thing is last night I came up with a rather suitable idea of what my higher power would be because I was planning on going through the steps asap with my sponsor. I'm not gonna go out tonight, but god damn when I decided to come to AA 4 months ago I never imagined I'd be this conflicted coming from a high bottom. I just want it to click, I just want to be ready and not feel so stranded in my maze of consciousness. Hopefully something will pull through and make me certain, either way. Thanks.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 16
I am still new to sobriety, but what I do know is: if you have to talk to yourself that much, and that long to convince yourself that going out/and or drinking will be okay.... you really are just having a personal conversation with that addict inside. Sounds like the same conversations I have had with myself when convincing myself that drinking just one, or just once will be okay this time. I don't have nearly as many days sober as you, and can't help but wonder, you must have made it 130 days for a reason. Maybe you could remember what specifically happened that helped you choose/decide to be sober. I felt horrible about myself when I drank after only 6 days, I can only imagine how I would feel after the fact if I chose to drink after having a whole 130 days... Like I said, I am much newer to sobriety than you, but can't help but think we have all realized we need to be sober, and so much so that we have found this website on our own time. Try to think about what got you to these 130 days in the first place, maybe that will help. Good Luck 
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Lincoln Park, NJ
Posts: 13
thanks suntastic.. what you just said made me break down a little bit, which I've been kind of looking for tonight because i need some kind of a release. I haven't cried in awhile honestly.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
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I would highly suggest you jump into step work ASAP. Especially step 1. You really need to explore how your life was and will be unmanageable if you continue to drink and get high.
Step work is the cornerstone of AA. It IS the program. I posted this in another thread, but it also applies to you, as a young person who has not yet had the opportunity to see the full progression of alcoholism and addiction.
This is from step one of the 12 & 12 book. Here's the full chapter:
http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step1.pdf
Look, obviously I don't know you personally, and I can't just tell you whether you're an alcoholic or not. But maybe it's worth doing some of the step work with your sponsor before you decide to go back out again. It might help clear up some of your confusion.
All the best
Step work is the cornerstone of AA. It IS the program. I posted this in another thread, but it also applies to you, as a young person who has not yet had the opportunity to see the full progression of alcoholism and addiction.
Many less desperate alcoholics tried A.A., but did not succeed because they could not make the admission of hopelessness.
It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that in the following years this changed. Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?
It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.
It is a tremendous satisfaction to record that in the following years this changed. Alcoholics who still had their health, their families, their jobs, and even two cars in the garage, began to recognize their alcoholism. As this trend grew, they were joined by young people who were scarcely more than potential alcoholics. They were spared that last ten or fifteen years of literal hell the rest of us had gone through. Since Step One requires an admission that our lives have become unmanageable, how could people such as these take this Step?
It was obviously necessary to raise the bottom the rest of us had hit to the point where it would hit them. By going back in our own drinking histories, we could show that years before we realized it we were out of control, that our drinking even then was no mere habit, that it was indeed the beginning of a fatal progression.
http://www.aa.org/twelveandtwelve/en_pdfs/en_step1.pdf
Look, obviously I don't know you personally, and I can't just tell you whether you're an alcoholic or not. But maybe it's worth doing some of the step work with your sponsor before you decide to go back out again. It might help clear up some of your confusion.
All the best
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
What I ask myself when I want to "test the waters" these days is, "do you really have nothing bette to do than get ****** up???"
Some days I struggle with an answer. But I always end up at, "yeah, I want to do better than that with my time."
Stay strong man. if testing the waters comes into your thought process, you have a problem.
Solve that problem now before 20 years pass you by and you are left wondering why you didn't at 22.
Some days I struggle with an answer. But I always end up at, "yeah, I want to do better than that with my time."
Stay strong man. if testing the waters comes into your thought process, you have a problem.
Solve that problem now before 20 years pass you by and you are left wondering why you didn't at 22.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
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Hey Paul, I hear your conflict, I really do. I first started wondering if I was an alcoholic in high school (actually, if I really go back, I thought about it in junior high), so I'd quit for a while, but eventually go back to drinking. After high school, I continued to be worried and started engaging in some seriously dangerous behavior. So I quit for a while, but eventually went back to drinking. Now, I'm 42 and I wish I would have really listened to myself at 17. The cylce gets heavier and heavier as we get older. Harder and harder to break. To be clear, I'm not making any assessmet of your situation at all. I'm just sharing that I had similar conflicts. I hope it can help you. I wish you the best.
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi Paul - your question is quite normal and as others have said, you have to decide for yourself. But, I agree that if you must think about it so much, it says something.
One of my favorite quotes about the "Am I an alcoholic?" question comes from the book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.
"When you question your alcoholism, you say to yourself: If I am an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink and if I'm not an alcoholic, I don't need to. That's a nice piece of logic. You say: People who aren't alcoholics do not lie in bed at two-thirty in the morning wondering if they're alcoholics. A good reality check."
One of my favorite quotes about the "Am I an alcoholic?" question comes from the book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.
"When you question your alcoholism, you say to yourself: If I am an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink and if I'm not an alcoholic, I don't need to. That's a nice piece of logic. You say: People who aren't alcoholics do not lie in bed at two-thirty in the morning wondering if they're alcoholics. A good reality check."
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Mikie, I think that's a great answer.
Paul, some of what you wrote sounded like me when I slipped at around 90 days. I remember making what I thought were pretty logical choices to drink.
Within a week of having one glass of alcohol, I was on a binge, close to feeling suicidal and felt like I was being consumed by a dark ugly beast. Are you prepared for what ugliness may be ahead if you drink or take drugs? I mean, really prepared? The power of our addictions take over uncontrollably once we let alcohol and drugs back into our system.
There may be exceptions to that, and I certainly convinced myself of that as I poured my first drink, went to sleep and thought everything was fine. Within a week, the craziness started all over again and in full force.
Paul, some of what you wrote sounded like me when I slipped at around 90 days. I remember making what I thought were pretty logical choices to drink.
Within a week of having one glass of alcohol, I was on a binge, close to feeling suicidal and felt like I was being consumed by a dark ugly beast. Are you prepared for what ugliness may be ahead if you drink or take drugs? I mean, really prepared? The power of our addictions take over uncontrollably once we let alcohol and drugs back into our system.
There may be exceptions to that, and I certainly convinced myself of that as I poured my first drink, went to sleep and thought everything was fine. Within a week, the craziness started all over again and in full force.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 553
Congrats on your decision to stay the course. I still get fleeting thoughts and that nagging voice every once in awhile that tells me I could drink and no one would know or that one drink isn't going to hurt anything. I see other people drink and all the good memories of how fun it used to be ten years ago come back in my head.
Then I play out what would happen if I did drink and tell the addictive voice to shove it. It's a tricky thing and I have no explanation for the crazy thoughts except that this is how addicts think. I have to be on my game and work, work, work the steps and stay close to others or that addictive voice wins. Step up the work and be stronger than it!
Then I play out what would happen if I did drink and tell the addictive voice to shove it. It's a tricky thing and I have no explanation for the crazy thoughts except that this is how addicts think. I have to be on my game and work, work, work the steps and stay close to others or that addictive voice wins. Step up the work and be stronger than it!
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,031
Your doing well don't lose sight of why your doing this it has to be for yourself it's to hard to live up to letting other people down I know cause I did it after 10 mths of sobriety and wasn't good at all but now I know in my heart I'm doing this just for me take care xxx
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: VA
Posts: 13
Good for you. I've been fighting my problem for quite awhile and every week I go out drinking and drink too much even thought I tell myself before I go out I'm only going to drink 1-2. Then I end up blackout. I feel your struggles.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
I was at a meeting this morning and one of the guys who has over ten years commented that he used to try all sorts of ways to become a normal drinker. He called it "research and development." He didn't want to quit but he found that for all his efforts he remained, at the end of the day, someone who was unable to control his drinking and that the days when running out for a burrito at four in the morning had lost its luster.
Lots of us go through what you are going through. Great that you hung in there!
Lots of us go through what you are going through. Great that you hung in there!
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