I'm new- and I just left him. Trying to be brave.
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Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
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I'm new- and I just left him. Trying to be brave.
Hi everyone. Thanks in advance for reading my story, I’m afraid it will be a long one. I’m 32, and three weeks ago, I left my husband of 5 years. He’s a police officer and military, charming, gregarious, hardworking, and funny. We’ve had problems over our entire marriage with his anger and binge drinking issues. I guess I’ll start at the beginning.
When we met in 2005, we were both in our early 20’s, and were big weekend partiers, as you do at that age. My first inkling that he had a drinking problem was when he would get all ‘jacked up’ on whiskey. He didn’t seem to know when to stop—he would become unpredictable and sometimes angry (though never with me). He did cut out the whisky at my request. I thought that would take care of the problem back then. Ha.
We were engaged in 2007, and then he deployed to the Middle East. When he returned in 2008, he would rage and scream at me over the smallest things. A spill on the floor, no parking space at the grocery store, wanting to go somewhere / not go somewhere; it could be anything, and I would never see it coming. Mostly he had not been drinking when the rages happened. He would scream, get a nasty tone, slam things around, intimidate me, and then always feel terrible when the dust settled. Our wedding was just a few months away at that point, and I convinced myself to go through with it. I hoped and prayed that it was just a passing issue related to post-deployment, and that we’d work through it.
After the wedding, things continued to deteriorate with his anger and binge drinking. When we’d go out, he always drank more than I’d like him to, and I had to step up as the ‘responsible’ half, trying to rein him in and get him home. He ruined my friend’s wedding by drinking a bottle of rum, and being ‘that guy’ at the reception—throwing a fit when the bartenders cut him off, resulting in the cops very nearly being called, telling me to F off, and then passing out in his truck. He’d disappear for an entire night about once every 2 months. He’d come back home the next day full of apologies. I could never prove that he had cheated on me, but I have had my suspicions. The (sober) rages continued, as well.
At this point (about 2010), I’d had enough and left for a week. We started going to marriage counseling. He cut out liquor altogether and decided to only drink beer (ha). The next year was lots of hard work on our relationship, and things improved. The counseling seemed to help a bit with him controlling his temper; over time, the rages went from once a week to once every month or two, although they never stopped altogether.
Things were pretty good until spring of 2012. We had just decided to start trying for a baby. We went out with friends for his birthday, and he got blackout drunk. He was belligerent, and trying to start fights at the bar. His friend helped me get him home, and then left. I hid all the car keys in the dryer. My husband was angry that I had made him come home, and flew into a rage the likes of which I hadn’t seen before.
He demanded the keys; I refused. He dumped my purse, flipped the kitchen table over on top of me, flipped over all the living room furniture, and ripped out the kitchen drawers. He then pulled some knives from the butcher block and walked toward me while holding them. I ran into the yard and refused to come back inside. He didn’t pursue me out there; he eventually went upstairs. I checked on him after a little while and saw that he had taken out his pistol from the gun safe and had passed out with it next to him.
I sat in the family room, unhurt physically, but shell shocked. I was so afraid that he was going to wake up and blow my brains out, yet still I couldn’t make myself leave. I sat down there, petrified, all night until he woke up the next morning. He didn’t remember much, but he was horrified by his violent behavior.
At the time, I struggled with whether or not to leave. He felt so bad about what he’d done that I was afraid he’d kill himself if I left. I stayed. We didn’t return to counseling; I didn’t want to retell that story to our counselor. All plans for trying for a baby were put on hold. He promised he would quit drinking altogether. That lasted about 2 months before he was so resentful to me about it that I just let it go. He told me he was going to try and train himself how to drink socially, and just have a few without bingeing. As for me, I tried to forget that night, and push it as far down into the back of my head as I could. I hoped that with enough time, I could forget about it and make it go away.
The past year and a half, our day-to-day relationship has been pretty good. My husband can sometimes drink socially; sometimes he binges. I’m always afraid of a repeat of “that night.” He still has a hard time controlling his temper; I always see it rolling under the surface when he tries to hold it in. He still explodes on me about once every 2 months or so. For every explosion there are 4 more times where he manages to control it. Even those near-misses scare me; I hate seeing the anger there that is trying to escape.
This fall, we agreed to try again for a baby. For the last 3 months, seeing those negative pregnancy tests would fill me with these unexpected feelings of relief. That was my wake up call--- I knew we weren’t really healed if I was this apprehensive about starting a family with him. In late October/ early November we started to discuss everything that’s happened, and once we acknowledged the elephant in the room of “that night”, things deteriorated pretty quickly. He’s upset that I’m not over it, he’s angry with himself for causing all this strife in our marriage, and we’re both afraid of what’s going to happen next.
About three weeks ago, I couldn’t handle the tension any longer, and went to live with my sister about 20 minutes away. My husband and I have been talking, and are both in counseling. He’s admitted for the first time that his binge drinking is alcoholism, and he’s promising (again) to quit drinking. He swears it’s for him this time, not for me or us. I don’t think I believe him. Sometimes I feel like I’d like to divorce and start my life over again while I’m still young enough to do it. Other times I fight the urge to run home, tell him everything will be ok, and try to make it all better. I’m afraid to start my own life without him, and I’m afraid that if I go back home, it’ll just be more of the same problems. I know I don’t want to raise a child around that. Mostly I’m just so confused and heartbroken.
I have a lot of family and friend support, as does my husband. I’d really appreciate advice from folks who may have been in similar situations. My counselor says I need to work on healing and finding myself right now while my husband tries to begin his recovery, and that it is better for me to stay separated from him right now. My husband is promising change left and right, and is starting to pressure me to come home. Any advice on what I should do right now?
Thank you, and sorry this was so long. It was cathartic to write it all out, even if no one reads it. If you made it through this novel, I have a home-baked chocolate chip cookie for you.
When we met in 2005, we were both in our early 20’s, and were big weekend partiers, as you do at that age. My first inkling that he had a drinking problem was when he would get all ‘jacked up’ on whiskey. He didn’t seem to know when to stop—he would become unpredictable and sometimes angry (though never with me). He did cut out the whisky at my request. I thought that would take care of the problem back then. Ha.
We were engaged in 2007, and then he deployed to the Middle East. When he returned in 2008, he would rage and scream at me over the smallest things. A spill on the floor, no parking space at the grocery store, wanting to go somewhere / not go somewhere; it could be anything, and I would never see it coming. Mostly he had not been drinking when the rages happened. He would scream, get a nasty tone, slam things around, intimidate me, and then always feel terrible when the dust settled. Our wedding was just a few months away at that point, and I convinced myself to go through with it. I hoped and prayed that it was just a passing issue related to post-deployment, and that we’d work through it.
After the wedding, things continued to deteriorate with his anger and binge drinking. When we’d go out, he always drank more than I’d like him to, and I had to step up as the ‘responsible’ half, trying to rein him in and get him home. He ruined my friend’s wedding by drinking a bottle of rum, and being ‘that guy’ at the reception—throwing a fit when the bartenders cut him off, resulting in the cops very nearly being called, telling me to F off, and then passing out in his truck. He’d disappear for an entire night about once every 2 months. He’d come back home the next day full of apologies. I could never prove that he had cheated on me, but I have had my suspicions. The (sober) rages continued, as well.
At this point (about 2010), I’d had enough and left for a week. We started going to marriage counseling. He cut out liquor altogether and decided to only drink beer (ha). The next year was lots of hard work on our relationship, and things improved. The counseling seemed to help a bit with him controlling his temper; over time, the rages went from once a week to once every month or two, although they never stopped altogether.
Things were pretty good until spring of 2012. We had just decided to start trying for a baby. We went out with friends for his birthday, and he got blackout drunk. He was belligerent, and trying to start fights at the bar. His friend helped me get him home, and then left. I hid all the car keys in the dryer. My husband was angry that I had made him come home, and flew into a rage the likes of which I hadn’t seen before.
He demanded the keys; I refused. He dumped my purse, flipped the kitchen table over on top of me, flipped over all the living room furniture, and ripped out the kitchen drawers. He then pulled some knives from the butcher block and walked toward me while holding them. I ran into the yard and refused to come back inside. He didn’t pursue me out there; he eventually went upstairs. I checked on him after a little while and saw that he had taken out his pistol from the gun safe and had passed out with it next to him.
I sat in the family room, unhurt physically, but shell shocked. I was so afraid that he was going to wake up and blow my brains out, yet still I couldn’t make myself leave. I sat down there, petrified, all night until he woke up the next morning. He didn’t remember much, but he was horrified by his violent behavior.
At the time, I struggled with whether or not to leave. He felt so bad about what he’d done that I was afraid he’d kill himself if I left. I stayed. We didn’t return to counseling; I didn’t want to retell that story to our counselor. All plans for trying for a baby were put on hold. He promised he would quit drinking altogether. That lasted about 2 months before he was so resentful to me about it that I just let it go. He told me he was going to try and train himself how to drink socially, and just have a few without bingeing. As for me, I tried to forget that night, and push it as far down into the back of my head as I could. I hoped that with enough time, I could forget about it and make it go away.
The past year and a half, our day-to-day relationship has been pretty good. My husband can sometimes drink socially; sometimes he binges. I’m always afraid of a repeat of “that night.” He still has a hard time controlling his temper; I always see it rolling under the surface when he tries to hold it in. He still explodes on me about once every 2 months or so. For every explosion there are 4 more times where he manages to control it. Even those near-misses scare me; I hate seeing the anger there that is trying to escape.
This fall, we agreed to try again for a baby. For the last 3 months, seeing those negative pregnancy tests would fill me with these unexpected feelings of relief. That was my wake up call--- I knew we weren’t really healed if I was this apprehensive about starting a family with him. In late October/ early November we started to discuss everything that’s happened, and once we acknowledged the elephant in the room of “that night”, things deteriorated pretty quickly. He’s upset that I’m not over it, he’s angry with himself for causing all this strife in our marriage, and we’re both afraid of what’s going to happen next.
About three weeks ago, I couldn’t handle the tension any longer, and went to live with my sister about 20 minutes away. My husband and I have been talking, and are both in counseling. He’s admitted for the first time that his binge drinking is alcoholism, and he’s promising (again) to quit drinking. He swears it’s for him this time, not for me or us. I don’t think I believe him. Sometimes I feel like I’d like to divorce and start my life over again while I’m still young enough to do it. Other times I fight the urge to run home, tell him everything will be ok, and try to make it all better. I’m afraid to start my own life without him, and I’m afraid that if I go back home, it’ll just be more of the same problems. I know I don’t want to raise a child around that. Mostly I’m just so confused and heartbroken.
I have a lot of family and friend support, as does my husband. I’d really appreciate advice from folks who may have been in similar situations. My counselor says I need to work on healing and finding myself right now while my husband tries to begin his recovery, and that it is better for me to stay separated from him right now. My husband is promising change left and right, and is starting to pressure me to come home. Any advice on what I should do right now?
Thank you, and sorry this was so long. It was cathartic to write it all out, even if no one reads it. If you made it through this novel, I have a home-baked chocolate chip cookie for you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
For him to get better he will have to admit he needs REAL help.
AA + likely Therapy + some Vet Support Groups. It is a long hard path back but he can make it. Maybe. Either way, that is ALL outside of your control.
What we and Alanon tend to work on is YOU -- not the A. Get you better and things around YOU get better. And that is not so bad.
Welcome home.
btw, IF you BOTH do find a Program AND BOTH earnestly work them, YOU BOTH can be better than ever. But it is a very big IF. You can do your side, and for you that is all you are called to do.
AA + likely Therapy + some Vet Support Groups. It is a long hard path back but he can make it. Maybe. Either way, that is ALL outside of your control.
What we and Alanon tend to work on is YOU -- not the A. Get you better and things around YOU get better. And that is not so bad.
Welcome home.
btw, IF you BOTH do find a Program AND BOTH earnestly work them, YOU BOTH can be better than ever. But it is a very big IF. You can do your side, and for you that is all you are called to do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Listen to what he says and watch what he does. When he can get those two things to work off each other, he may have a chance. This isn't going to be a bump in the road if you reconsile with him. It's going to be a monumental feat to the death of him or you, which ever comes first. He's a lifer to alcoholism and if you take him back, YOU WILL BE TOO!
I know the flipped tables, smashed furniture, broken cabinets, sheer rage, hiding keys, talking, begging, dumping bottles, counseling... this is not yours. It's his and even if you left, he may never quit. He will blame you for how effed up his life is. Watch n listen. That will tell you whether he's committed to being a good person, not only to himself but as a husband and a decent human being.
I know the flipped tables, smashed furniture, broken cabinets, sheer rage, hiding keys, talking, begging, dumping bottles, counseling... this is not yours. It's his and even if you left, he may never quit. He will blame you for how effed up his life is. Watch n listen. That will tell you whether he's committed to being a good person, not only to himself but as a husband and a decent human being.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Brave---if you were my daughter, I would suggest that you dedicate the next two years to YOURSELF---in both alanon and intensive individual counseling. It will take at least that long to heal from the abusive you have been living in and to get an understanding of your co-dependency issues. If you are concerned about fertility issues--many women are now freezing their eggs for later.
A person has to be healthy and whole themselves before they can be healthy and happy with someone else. I believe that you owe this to yourself.
If you go back with him, you can expect more of the same.
dandylion
Welcome to the forum!!!!!!!!!! Hang around and read and learn...and post whenever you want to.
A person has to be healthy and whole themselves before they can be healthy and happy with someone else. I believe that you owe this to yourself.
If you go back with him, you can expect more of the same.
dandylion
Welcome to the forum!!!!!!!!!! Hang around and read and learn...and post whenever you want to.
a southern belle
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: tennessee
Posts: 265
Way down deep...you know the right thing to do!! All I had to read was...your relief from the negative pregnancy tests! You do not...do not want to subject a child to this type of home life!! Geez!! If you think he's raging now!!! Wowza!! Responsibilities of parenting...I can't even imagine! He needs some very deep extensive work on himself...by himself!! Stay away...heal yourself...get strong and be happy!! Good love...mags
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Hammer- Thank you for the warm welcome! Your advice sounds very much like that of my counselor right now. I am nervous to try Al Anon, but I know it would be a good idea for me to go. I'll go to a meeting this week. It's very difficult for me to let go of the feeling that I can somehow fix this for him.
Boxinrotz, Dandylion, Tamerua and SteelMagnolia-- Thanks so much for your advice as well. After I left, he went on a bit of a bender. Then he claims that he hit 'rock bottom.' I guess I have no way to know if he really has or not. He's had one counseling session so far, with another one next week. I know it's really early to tell anything yet.
The other night on the phone he was really laying on the pressure for me to go home. I know being separated is tearing him up inside, but I sort of felt manipulated. He kept saying that he needs my support, he needs me to be there to help him fight this. After talking to my counselor, I know this appeals directly to my enabling/codependent tendencies. I'm also fighting with feeling guilty for leaving. I know it's messed up thinking, but it's like I'm thinking, "He's been trying. If you were going to leave him, you should have done it over a year ago." I know that it's unhealthy.
Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. If I go home, I don't know if I'd be able to have the strength leave again. Also, I'm kind of worried that if I go home, he might 'punish' me for leaving somehow.
Right now, I swing back and forth from feeling relief and "OK," to panic and second guessing myself. I do feel like I'm starting to find my spine again, and I never even realized I had lost it.
I chose the screen name because my mom keeps telling me how brave it is to have left. I don't feel brave, but I'd like to be able to stand up for myself again.
Boxinrotz, Dandylion, Tamerua and SteelMagnolia-- Thanks so much for your advice as well. After I left, he went on a bit of a bender. Then he claims that he hit 'rock bottom.' I guess I have no way to know if he really has or not. He's had one counseling session so far, with another one next week. I know it's really early to tell anything yet.
The other night on the phone he was really laying on the pressure for me to go home. I know being separated is tearing him up inside, but I sort of felt manipulated. He kept saying that he needs my support, he needs me to be there to help him fight this. After talking to my counselor, I know this appeals directly to my enabling/codependent tendencies. I'm also fighting with feeling guilty for leaving. I know it's messed up thinking, but it's like I'm thinking, "He's been trying. If you were going to leave him, you should have done it over a year ago." I know that it's unhealthy.
Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done. If I go home, I don't know if I'd be able to have the strength leave again. Also, I'm kind of worried that if I go home, he might 'punish' me for leaving somehow.
Right now, I swing back and forth from feeling relief and "OK," to panic and second guessing myself. I do feel like I'm starting to find my spine again, and I never even realized I had lost it.
I chose the screen name because my mom keeps telling me how brave it is to have left. I don't feel brave, but I'd like to be able to stand up for myself again.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Hi Brave-
Oh boy your post was hard for me to read....because it is very similar to my story.
I was dealing with my own issues when I met, fell in love and married a very nice man who happened to struggle with alcohol. The wedding you mention, the scenes, the binge drinking all are very similar. I had concerns before the wedding, but two weeks after the wedding we got home and he lost it.
He punched a window out, kicked a dog, and later sobbed about what an awful husband he was (and threatened to harm himself with his gun).
For me realizing he struggled with alcohol was hard because it was NOT all the time and that did not match my definition of an alcoholic. However I was not able to get over that incident, and my loved one could not remember it because of a black out. I was always afraid, any time that he drank that I would be back in that situation again. It was never that bad again, but there were enough drunk encounters that could have been.
I did not leave. I did tell people, but I stayed.
A couple things when I did leave that helped me.
-I needed to trust his behavior, not what he told me. He has told you he won't drink again, but he has many times....with you there, in your house. He has failed many times with you there....why would it be different this time?
-I cannot love someone well from addiction. If I could I would be a very rich woman, and probably this board would not exist.
-For me I had a lot of codependent issues prior to the relationship (it was why I got into the relationship). I needed to work and heal from that, and it took a lot of work. It was not that I did not care for my husband, it was that I needed to allow me to be the most important thing in my life.
I think you are very brave, for breaking out of your comfort zone, and giving yourself a chance to get better.
I hope you know the feelings you describe are pretty "normal" for this stage of the game. I needed a lot of reassurance that I was not crazy during this time (because my life was pretty crazy).
It sounds like you have a lot of support. Between an excellent therapist, learning a lot about addiction (reading books, attending open AA meetings, going to Al-Anon etc). I have gotten a chance to recreate myself, seperate and regardless of what my loved one choose to do.
Glad you are here.
Oh boy your post was hard for me to read....because it is very similar to my story.
I was dealing with my own issues when I met, fell in love and married a very nice man who happened to struggle with alcohol. The wedding you mention, the scenes, the binge drinking all are very similar. I had concerns before the wedding, but two weeks after the wedding we got home and he lost it.
He punched a window out, kicked a dog, and later sobbed about what an awful husband he was (and threatened to harm himself with his gun).
For me realizing he struggled with alcohol was hard because it was NOT all the time and that did not match my definition of an alcoholic. However I was not able to get over that incident, and my loved one could not remember it because of a black out. I was always afraid, any time that he drank that I would be back in that situation again. It was never that bad again, but there were enough drunk encounters that could have been.
I did not leave. I did tell people, but I stayed.
A couple things when I did leave that helped me.
-I needed to trust his behavior, not what he told me. He has told you he won't drink again, but he has many times....with you there, in your house. He has failed many times with you there....why would it be different this time?
-I cannot love someone well from addiction. If I could I would be a very rich woman, and probably this board would not exist.
-For me I had a lot of codependent issues prior to the relationship (it was why I got into the relationship). I needed to work and heal from that, and it took a lot of work. It was not that I did not care for my husband, it was that I needed to allow me to be the most important thing in my life.
I think you are very brave, for breaking out of your comfort zone, and giving yourself a chance to get better.
I hope you know the feelings you describe are pretty "normal" for this stage of the game. I needed a lot of reassurance that I was not crazy during this time (because my life was pretty crazy).
It sounds like you have a lot of support. Between an excellent therapist, learning a lot about addiction (reading books, attending open AA meetings, going to Al-Anon etc). I have gotten a chance to recreate myself, seperate and regardless of what my loved one choose to do.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Brave, and welcome to SR.
I was in a very abusive relationship, and after reading what you wrote, I would think mine was a picnic. Really hate to come on so strong here, but mine didn't go after me with knives, nor did he sleep in bed with a gun.
When I first read this, I thought perhaps PTSD from the war, then I read it again, and he was like this before he went into service.
Now he is trying to manipulate you into going back, I have to say that I think your instinct is right. It will be worse if you go back, and it will be worse if you try to leave again.
I am really against using kids when i talk to someone, but right now you don't have any. Picture that scene from 1 1/2 years ago and imagine having a child in the household with you at that time.
Alcoholism progresses, and so does abuse. They are 2 different things. I would be gentler with you if I thought you needed that, but I think that your eyes are opened and you know what you see.
In a way, I kinda think that you came to this forum, because maybe you wanted to answer all of your "what if" questions, or maybe you just wanted to argue against your heart with your head.
Your mom is right, you are brave, you are questioning things now.
I stayed in mine for 27 years. He wasn't that bad until the 10th year in. I had a lot of questions, and in a way I thought I was crazy for having those questions.
Here for you, and please read the stickies up on top also.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I was in a very abusive relationship, and after reading what you wrote, I would think mine was a picnic. Really hate to come on so strong here, but mine didn't go after me with knives, nor did he sleep in bed with a gun.
When I first read this, I thought perhaps PTSD from the war, then I read it again, and he was like this before he went into service.
Now he is trying to manipulate you into going back, I have to say that I think your instinct is right. It will be worse if you go back, and it will be worse if you try to leave again.
I am really against using kids when i talk to someone, but right now you don't have any. Picture that scene from 1 1/2 years ago and imagine having a child in the household with you at that time.
Alcoholism progresses, and so does abuse. They are 2 different things. I would be gentler with you if I thought you needed that, but I think that your eyes are opened and you know what you see.
In a way, I kinda think that you came to this forum, because maybe you wanted to answer all of your "what if" questions, or maybe you just wanted to argue against your heart with your head.
Your mom is right, you are brave, you are questioning things now.
I stayed in mine for 27 years. He wasn't that bad until the 10th year in. I had a lot of questions, and in a way I thought I was crazy for having those questions.
Here for you, and please read the stickies up on top also.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
LifeRecovery- thank you for taking the time to respond. I'm sorry my post was hard to read, but I'm so glad to hear from people who have been there, done that. My husband is a very nice man too, a great guy. Our day-to-day is usually pretty good, we make each other laugh and get along fine. That is actually what makes this so hard, I think.
When he and I were talking once, I compared our marriage to walking down a pleasant path that just happens to be strewn with sinkholes. I'm walking along, everything's fine, then all of a sudden- I tumble into a hole. I climb out, dust myself off, and keep walking. Sooner or later, I fall into the next sinkhole. Then the next one. Each one hurts a little more. At some point, no matter how pleasant the path is, I have to think to myself, "Maybe I need to try and find another path."
If you don't mind, would you be able to explain to me how I would know if I'm codependent? I'm so new at all these terms. I am a nurturer by nature-- I do feel like our marriage has really been about my husband. I do try to smooth over the anger issues, drinking episodes, etc. I initiate most of the talks, and all of the heavy lifting stuff, so to speak.
One thing that the counselor (he sees both of us separately) has talked about is that his anger comes from a place of control. At first I didn't agree, but after thinking about it, I believe he's right. Most blowups would come after something wasn't going his way, whether it was something I was doing, or not. I'm afraid he'll turn hostile if he feels I'm spinning out of his control. I feel guilty even saying that. Ugh this is hard.
Amy55- Thanks for your reply. Don't worry, you were not too hard on me. I think I need it, to be honest. It's so hard to admit that things were abusive. I could barely type that. And yes, this whole thing does make me question my sanity.
When my heart is in the driver's seat, it's all I can do not to run back home and say 'forget it, we'll get through it, forget this ever happened.' When my head is in charge, I feel like I'm planning to get out and start over on my own.
Even if he does the hard work, I'm not sure if I'd be able to go back. I'm afraid I'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop and him to start the anger/drinking again, 1 month, 6 months, a year down the road. It's a very scary crossroads for me right now.
I'm very glad I've found this place. Thank you all so much for the responses so far.
When he and I were talking once, I compared our marriage to walking down a pleasant path that just happens to be strewn with sinkholes. I'm walking along, everything's fine, then all of a sudden- I tumble into a hole. I climb out, dust myself off, and keep walking. Sooner or later, I fall into the next sinkhole. Then the next one. Each one hurts a little more. At some point, no matter how pleasant the path is, I have to think to myself, "Maybe I need to try and find another path."
If you don't mind, would you be able to explain to me how I would know if I'm codependent? I'm so new at all these terms. I am a nurturer by nature-- I do feel like our marriage has really been about my husband. I do try to smooth over the anger issues, drinking episodes, etc. I initiate most of the talks, and all of the heavy lifting stuff, so to speak.
One thing that the counselor (he sees both of us separately) has talked about is that his anger comes from a place of control. At first I didn't agree, but after thinking about it, I believe he's right. Most blowups would come after something wasn't going his way, whether it was something I was doing, or not. I'm afraid he'll turn hostile if he feels I'm spinning out of his control. I feel guilty even saying that. Ugh this is hard.
Amy55- Thanks for your reply. Don't worry, you were not too hard on me. I think I need it, to be honest. It's so hard to admit that things were abusive. I could barely type that. And yes, this whole thing does make me question my sanity.
When my heart is in the driver's seat, it's all I can do not to run back home and say 'forget it, we'll get through it, forget this ever happened.' When my head is in charge, I feel like I'm planning to get out and start over on my own.
Even if he does the hard work, I'm not sure if I'd be able to go back. I'm afraid I'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop and him to start the anger/drinking again, 1 month, 6 months, a year down the road. It's a very scary crossroads for me right now.
I'm very glad I've found this place. Thank you all so much for the responses so far.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Brave,
I didn't want to say the word abusive when I was married. I knew he was, but I kept looking for reasons why. My ex was also the nicest person that you could ever want to meet, it was when he came home and took his mask off and I was the only one there, he unleashed all of his anger onto me.
When he would start his raging, there was no stopping it, I would go and sleep in my car and lock the doors. Mine laughed at me when I tried, he would taunt me, he would follow me, he would mock me, and he would be smiling when he did it.
I'm divorced now for 3 years, and I can still remember that cute boyish look that he had at times, then I remember how his face turned ugly when he raged. He wasn't even seeing me, it was a battle that he had going on in his own head.
None of this stuff is normal. I really do think that my ex had mental issues, and that was nothing that I could fix or be around.
He didn't pick up knives or guns, but I got 2 black eyes, broken ribs, and he broke the bridge of my nose. Thats not even talking about the holes in the walls, the countless number of times he pushed me to the floor, the names that he called me, the silent treatments, where at times I just wish he would rage, then I might feel like I existed, or just hit me, because at least all of this will stop for awhile.
I just feel I can talk openly with you about this, because of all you have been through already. I don't want to scare you away from here. I think you need to talk to people who have gone, or are going through what you are going through. It helps to make you feel less crazy. And yes, I felt I was crazy a lot of the time.
((((((((hugs)))))))
I didn't want to say the word abusive when I was married. I knew he was, but I kept looking for reasons why. My ex was also the nicest person that you could ever want to meet, it was when he came home and took his mask off and I was the only one there, he unleashed all of his anger onto me.
When he would start his raging, there was no stopping it, I would go and sleep in my car and lock the doors. Mine laughed at me when I tried, he would taunt me, he would follow me, he would mock me, and he would be smiling when he did it.
I'm divorced now for 3 years, and I can still remember that cute boyish look that he had at times, then I remember how his face turned ugly when he raged. He wasn't even seeing me, it was a battle that he had going on in his own head.
None of this stuff is normal. I really do think that my ex had mental issues, and that was nothing that I could fix or be around.
He didn't pick up knives or guns, but I got 2 black eyes, broken ribs, and he broke the bridge of my nose. Thats not even talking about the holes in the walls, the countless number of times he pushed me to the floor, the names that he called me, the silent treatments, where at times I just wish he would rage, then I might feel like I existed, or just hit me, because at least all of this will stop for awhile.
I just feel I can talk openly with you about this, because of all you have been through already. I don't want to scare you away from here. I think you need to talk to people who have gone, or are going through what you are going through. It helps to make you feel less crazy. And yes, I felt I was crazy a lot of the time.
((((((((hugs)))))))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Originally Posted by Brave 
When he and I were talking once, I compared our marriage to walking down a pleasant path that just happens to be strewn with sinkholes. I'm walking along, everything's fine, then all of a sudden- I tumble into a hole. I climb out, dust myself off, and keep walking. Sooner or later, I fall into the next sinkhole. Then the next one. Each one hurts a little more. At some point, no matter how pleasant the path is, I have to think to myself, "Maybe I need to try and find another path."
If you don't mind, would you be able to explain to me how I would know if I'm codependent? I'm so new at all these terms. I am a nurturer by nature-- I do feel like our marriage has really been about my husband. I do try to smooth over the anger issues, drinking episodes, etc. I initiate most of the talks, and all of the heavy lifting stuff, so to speak.
If you don't mind, would you be able to explain to me how I would know if I'm codependent? I'm so new at all these terms. I am a nurturer by nature-- I do feel like our marriage has really been about my husband. I do try to smooth over the anger issues, drinking episodes, etc. I initiate most of the talks, and all of the heavy lifting stuff, so to speak.
For me my codependent behavior had a lot of layers to them, that did not show themselves all at once. For me it has truly boiled down to that my life is about everyone else, not myself. Eventually I came to realize that I kept the focus on everyone around me so I did not have to deal with reality, and how much stuff I had to work on. The stuff that was to painful for me to deal with I tried to distract away with the great big world out there and the people in it.
There is a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie that we talk alot about on here. There is a check list in there that helped me to see some of the behaviors. This learning curve takes time. I started dealing with the codepent behaviors prior to meeting my hubby. But others behaviors have taken much longer for me to see. Just in the last week I have realized that even how I talk to people is about "framing" it in such a way that I won't make them upset. I view my job as trying to defuse any situation. In other words even my words are designed around caring for someone else, instead of myself.
I am a nurturer, I work in the health care field which feeds that caretaking part of me. For me the challenge was that I could not turn that off, and my life was alway about someone else.
Yes it was hard to read your post, because it is hard to see someone else feeling stuck and overwhelmed. It also gave me perspective however. I am no longer feeling either of those things. I don't always like the lessons life has thrown at me, but I have learned so much from them that I would not have it any other way.
I am also grateful that I did choose recovery. I did choose to get myself out of the situation (though it took a number of years), and that I have been open to learning/recovery life has presented me.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
You are very brave for having the wisdom to leave and the guts to do it.
Something someone told me when I first came here is that I didn't have to make up my mind today. I could sit, watch, and wait. You're in a uniquely good decision to do so since you already have some distance.
If he is going to turn this around, my advice, having done this with my STBXAH, is to give it time. Wait and see. The truth will be revealed. Can he do what he's promising? He hasn't yet. If you want to give him a chance, do, but give yourself the time, space, and effort to heal yourself so you're in good shape no matter how he progresses.
Alcoholism is a nasty disease. I never thought I'd be here, but I am. For a long time I was she'll shocked and bewildered. I used to council people in abusive relationships, but here I was. What did it say about me? How could this person I loved so much turn on me and use me so completely? How did the signs slip past me? These are big questions, and in my experience, they are best answered independently of the alcoholic.
Something someone told me when I first came here is that I didn't have to make up my mind today. I could sit, watch, and wait. You're in a uniquely good decision to do so since you already have some distance.
If he is going to turn this around, my advice, having done this with my STBXAH, is to give it time. Wait and see. The truth will be revealed. Can he do what he's promising? He hasn't yet. If you want to give him a chance, do, but give yourself the time, space, and effort to heal yourself so you're in good shape no matter how he progresses.
Alcoholism is a nasty disease. I never thought I'd be here, but I am. For a long time I was she'll shocked and bewildered. I used to council people in abusive relationships, but here I was. What did it say about me? How could this person I loved so much turn on me and use me so completely? How did the signs slip past me? These are big questions, and in my experience, they are best answered independently of the alcoholic.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
If he's going to find true sobriety and recovery...he will do it with or without you. He has to want it for himself. He is manipulating you by saying he needs you there to help him fight this. It is HIS recovery to work on, not yours. It is a loooooong difficult path to recovery. Don't listen to his words, watch his actions over the next year.
Sounds like you have a great counselor, and are putting forth a great effort to take care of you. I also agree that "Codependent No More" would be a great book for you, it's helped many of us. Don't be afraid of attending an AlAnon meeting, everyone in those meetings shares this struggle. There is a lot of experience, strength, and hope there.
Sounds like you have a great counselor, and are putting forth a great effort to take care of you. I also agree that "Codependent No More" would be a great book for you, it's helped many of us. Don't be afraid of attending an AlAnon meeting, everyone in those meetings shares this struggle. There is a lot of experience, strength, and hope there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Ok, so this week I will order the Codependency book, and find an Al Anon meeting to try. Thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. My husband and I haven't spoken for a few days. He started to get frustrated the other night when I wouldn't cave when he was asking me to come home. He agreed that it was better not to talk until after his next counseling appointment, which is tomorrow.
Amy- I'm so sorry you went through all that. It seems crazy, but there have been times where I'd wish for him to hit me, so I could make a cut-and-dry decision to leave. Who knows if I would have. I relate to the 'changing person' thing when they rage. My husband's eyes change, his demeanor. When it's really bad, it's almost eerie.
LifeRecovery- Thanks for the background and the book recommendation. I am a teacher, so I have a caretaking profession as well. I will definitely order that.
Florence- Thank you. The 'time' thing is tough for me, but I know it's the only way to determine the next steps for both him and I. I realize I can't be back in the house while all this is still getting worked out.
Recovering2- when he and I talked last, I had just had a counseling session where my counselor had brought up my husband's control issues, which lead to manipulation. I was so glad I'd had that session, because it allowed me to see the manipulation for what it is, rather than letting my guilt and emotions take over. I don't think he's doing it consciously, but he is doing it.
Thank you everyone. I have a lot to think about. I am going to make a list of positive things I should do for myself, and try to do a few each week. I need to try and start making my own life again.
Amy- I'm so sorry you went through all that. It seems crazy, but there have been times where I'd wish for him to hit me, so I could make a cut-and-dry decision to leave. Who knows if I would have. I relate to the 'changing person' thing when they rage. My husband's eyes change, his demeanor. When it's really bad, it's almost eerie.
LifeRecovery- Thanks for the background and the book recommendation. I am a teacher, so I have a caretaking profession as well. I will definitely order that.
Florence- Thank you. The 'time' thing is tough for me, but I know it's the only way to determine the next steps for both him and I. I realize I can't be back in the house while all this is still getting worked out.
Recovering2- when he and I talked last, I had just had a counseling session where my counselor had brought up my husband's control issues, which lead to manipulation. I was so glad I'd had that session, because it allowed me to see the manipulation for what it is, rather than letting my guilt and emotions take over. I don't think he's doing it consciously, but he is doing it.
Thank you everyone. I have a lot to think about. I am going to make a list of positive things I should do for myself, and try to do a few each week. I need to try and start making my own life again.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I haven't experienced the sheer terror of that kind of abuse. I can't imagine it. I am so glad you are here, Brave. You do sound incredibly brave. Your honesty and courage will help you to find the help and the healing you need. Just wanted to say that you're in my prayers.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
As you have noticed, he is gonna try very hard to get you to come back....because if you are not there the next time he loses it, who is there to blame but himself?
Please, please, please.....stay gone and keep saying no. NO ONE has a right to make you feel unsafe in your home, or anywhere for that matter and this guy has a gun.
I understand he is a police officer but you may be able to call his CO if it escalates and see what they can do.
Please, please, please.....stay gone and keep saying no. NO ONE has a right to make you feel unsafe in your home, or anywhere for that matter and this guy has a gun.
I understand he is a police officer but you may be able to call his CO if it escalates and see what they can do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
I'm having a hard time today. Just talked to him after his counseling appointment. He said he is going to research an AA meeting and try to go to one this week. I guess we will see.
He did say that he and the counselor talked a bit about us being separated right now, and he "understands what he's saying, but still doesn't agree" with the counselor. So whatever that means.
Just struggling today.
He did say that he and the counselor talked a bit about us being separated right now, and he "understands what he's saying, but still doesn't agree" with the counselor. So whatever that means.
Just struggling today.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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I chose the screen name because my mom keeps telling me how brave it is to have left. I don't feel brave, but I'd like to be able to stand up for myself again.
Let me just tell you what I experienced:
The longer I stayed away from my AXH, the more I felt like the fog in my brain cleared, and the more I went "wait just one darn minute here -- the way he has been treating me? and the kids? having us all worry about what we're gonna do wrong to make him blow up? that ain't no way to live!"
In my case, getting back together was never a possibility (he threatened to kill me and our children, which kind of was a deal breaker even for this mega-codie) but I remember how the distance, not talking to him, not listening to him (you said the word "manipulation" and that's exactly what it is) -- it all helped me feel more clear-brained and more like myself.
You will have difficult days. You will have great days.
Remember this:
Your husband is an adult. (You're not responsible for him.)
Marriage isn't a suicide pact. (You're not required to stay with a person who is abusive.)
You have every right to at any given time stand up and say "I am done; work on your recovery or don't; go with God; I'm divorcing you because that is what is best for me."
You also have every right to not.
And I'm saying that because if someone had lifted all that garbage off of me when I was married to an alcoholic, I would probably have left him a decade or more earlier than I did.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Brave---I have never heard a person who has left an abuser say that they regretted the decision, later. By the same token--I have never heard anyone say that they were glad they went back---because, it invariable gets worse.
Brave--I think reading this would be of great practical value, right now: Http://www.SoberRecovery.com/forums/...-re-posted.Html (10 ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap).
Let me know if y ou can't find it.
dandylion
Brave--I think reading this would be of great practical value, right now: Http://www.SoberRecovery.com/forums/...-re-posted.Html (10 ways to tell when an addict or alcoholic is full of crap).
Let me know if y ou can't find it.
dandylion
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