NoJimmy

I posted about this earlier, I know the advice is to move on and focus on recovery. I have let go to the extent I am able at this time, and recovery is going very well.
42-days ago I got blackout drunk, picked fights and acted a total idiot (never put a hand on her). I have no recollection of these events, but I took responsibility for my actions, apologized to everyone I effected and promised to never drink again.
I had been sending her updates on my progress (at her request), but she eventually told me she needed to step back, couldn't be in a relationship with me and asked that I stop contacting her.
What's really painful is we had a very deep relationship that up to that night, was by her account and mine, the best we've ever had, and I was extremely close to her daughters. She broke up with me via email (I felt this was a slight given the depth of our relationship), and has not really allowed any 2-way conversations since that terrible night.
It was roughly 3 weeks ago that she asked for no further contact, which I have respected. I disabled my FB account 2-days later because she was posting hurtful picture stories I believed were aimed at me. Two days after disabling my FB account she found a reason to email me (insignificant reason IMO) which opened with "not sure if you want to hear from me, I'd understand if you don't". I responded to her topic and told her my feeling for her haven't changed. She emails or texts every week, and has said things such as "miss talking to you", and so forth. But makes no effort to have a conversation, and obviously knows I'm open to it.
A week ago I decided not being on FB was hurting me more than helping. I have a few friends involved in my recovery who live elsewhere that I want to share with. She has not only stopped posting hurtful things since my return, but has been liking all the new pics I'm sharing of the activities I'm doing (Dirt biking and MMA).
Last night she posted on FB that she went to a restaurant (the place we met) to check on a friend and they aren't doing well (all details that only matter to me). She also texted me this info and told me "I thought you might want to know". Always a statement, never a question, and I had stopped asking her questions since her request of no contact.
I can't blame her for choosing to not be in a relationship with me based on my actions. I can understand being all in, or all done, but this feels more like punishment at this point. A 41-day silent treatment meant to drive me batsh!t crazy (it has), and continuing to reach out with just enough hope to make sure I don't give up and move on. I'm truly disappointed someone I love so much, and who loved me could do such things.
Not sure how I will handle things moving forward, thought about everything from moving on mentally and leaving things as they are. Moving on and cutting all ties. Confronting her with a letter explaining how I feel, or asking to meet in person to discuss (highly doubt she would). I have to wonder how conscious she is of how hurtful her actions are to me. Thoughts?

Hawkeye13

Hi NoJimmy;

First of all, well done that your recovery is going well despite this painful situation.
I think I was one of folks who advised you to stop sending her updates.

Frankly, I still feel the same way and even more so given what she is doing.
She can't have it both ways--no contact from you but she is contacting you?

Don't want to be harsh but this sounds like a BS game to me. And the one
who is hurting from it is you. I wouldn't bother with the letter. Just ask
her to respect the No Contact from her end and move on with your recovery.

There is no future in this for either one of you at this point, and this little pieces of false
hope she is flinging your way will not fix anything, will they?

Get rid of the facebook again if you can't stop her access by unfriending or whatever.
This is a kind of torture and has no place in your new life.

Best to you and keep posting :-)

Inca

It sounds like she is torn between needing her space and still caring about you. She may not realize how the semi contact is hurting you, maybe just acting on her feelings at the time.

If it is hurting you, which it sounds like it is, maybe a simple text or email would work to explain that although you still care, the inconsistent and unstable contact is not good for you right now as you work through sobriety which needs to be your number one priority. Let her know that in the future it may be possible to resume contact but for right now, it's not healthy for you.

You do not mention doing the steps in aa. If you had made it to step nine and were ready to make an amend then meeting in person might be the best way to come to peace about things, but it's not effective to force the in person conversation without being ready. It can cause more hurt than good for both of you.

ImperfectlyMe

Don't drink and ill leave that there.

As far as the girl... Let me shoot it straight from a woman's perspective. IMO she wants you to continue wanting her, while punishing you by not wanting you back. Easy solution don't play the game. Only true feelings will surface when there are no poker hands involved. Next message you get from her, let her know right now your working on you. And would like the same respect in return with the regards to no contact. Don't play the game. See what happens

Good luck!

Lifeisforliving

My ex-husband was a sex addict. Consequently I got to spend lots of time in meetings, step-studies and therapists' offices working on my co-dependence issues. Everything you describe her doing in your post reminds me of codie behavior. These are her issues. Let her keep them. You've got enough of your own anyway.

Focus on you and do whatever it takes to maintain your sobriety. If that means she's out of your life then so be it. Thank the universe your paths crossed and let it go. Maybe some day you'll even be grateful for your experiences with her. They did lead you here after all.

NoJimmy

Well, you told me so, and you were right. I see now that I was acting desperately.
Is there no hope for the future? I don't know, but I'm very concerned by how she's handled this. It does feel like a BS game. As they say, actions speak louder than words.
I'm dealing with my problem the best I can, which is to remove alcohol from my life. That has little to do with her decision. It has everything to do with my future.

NoJimmy

Thank you. One thing I omitted is that she initially told me she still loves me, misses me, and her feelings for me hadn't changed, but she needed to put her kids first instead of doing what she wanted to do (I assume be with me). She was in an abusive marriage prior to me that lasted far too long, I believe she has a lot of guilt for not putting them first then. It kills me because I not only love her more than I've ever loved anyone, but I love and adore her daughters.
I had considered your first paragraph, and that she is afraid of having too much contact with me, that she might not be strong enough to stand her ground. I keep hoping we could find a safe place to work through both of our issues, and perhaps come together later. What we had was really special to me, and I haven't given up hope.

NoJimmy

I appreciate your candor, you may well be right. If there is such a thing when dealing in matters of the heart

NoJimmy

I don't know much about co-dependency, but that surprises me. I have considered the upside of this terrible event, I might have lived my entire (probably much shorter) life had this not happened. But I wish it could have happened before I met her.

Anna

You could be right that she is afraid right now, but I tend to think it's more about the bs factor myself. Your priority right now has to be to take care of yourself.

The thing is, Jimmy, being apart right now allows you and her a chance to heal and grow. If the relationship is meant to be, then it will be there in 6 months or a year down the road, when you are strong in your recovery.

digdug

Jim - I'm going to give it to you straight because I know you can handle it.

You have 42 days sober. I'm going to say it again. You have 42 days sober.

Just think about that for a second. Less than two months, your drinking was hurting people left and right, not to mention hurting yourself. You were blacking out and had absolutely no control.

You are at such a fragile phase right now. Any little thing could set you off into a bender that you may well never be able to recover from.

Sobriety is all about action. Right now, you are just sitting back and letting her toy with you. It doesn't matter what her reasons are. It doesn't matter if she's playing games or she's sincerely confused. What matters is that it is affecting you and putting your sobriety at risk. You may not see it that way, but if you take a step back and look at the big picture (see my initial statements), that is what's happening.

My suggestion? Take some action and tell her that you need to concentrate on yourself right now and that you just can't handle dealing with navigating with sobriety and her at the same time. It really has nothing to do with her and that's the truth. Take this time to work solely on yourself. She'll be okay. When you get some more time under your belt, if it's meant to be, it will be.

But for now, no contact. No exceptions.

I'm suggesting this based on experience. My ex broke up with me right before I went to rehab. When I was in treatment, she would call and leave these vague messages with the staff. I would get my hopes up that we still had a chance. And all that did what just take my focus off my recovery. My counselor came down hard on me. He said, "let it go. This is your time now." So I did. I stopped responding. She stopped calling. No contact.

Best thing that could have ever happened to me in my early sobriety. I took the next several months just working on myself. Throwing myself into AA after I got out of rehab. Developing new sober relationships with good people. Building up a support network.

I talked to her in once 8 months. I saw her in the park a few months ago when I was with my sponsor. I didn't even notice her at first, but my sponsor knew her friend that she was with. So I just waved and said hi. She just texted me later and said she was glad I was getting the help I needed.

And you know what? After having so much time of no contact, I've realized that SHE made the best decision in breaking up with me. Even in early sobriety, I was in no condition to be a good boyfriend. I was still lost. I was still broken and trying to put the pieces back together. I just was not dating material. I'm still working on that now.

And don't get me wrong. I still get urges. I wanted to text her on her birthday in September. I wanted to wish her a happy Thanksgiving. Maybe she did too. But there is now enough mutual respect that I need this time to work on myself.

So that's all I got. Take it or leave it. I just don't want to see you posting in a week or two that you drank over this. All I want is to see you succeed.

peanutty

As a woman I have to agree. She's playing a game. Totally unfair. Either she wants to be part of your life and recovery or she doesn't.

Soberween

I would block her on Facebook and not reply to her texts or emails. She wants you to continue to pine away for her. When you closed your Facebook account, she obviously panicked and thought you were moving on too quickly so she starts sending insignificant emails and texts. I'm not sure how old she is, but this sounds like middle school behavior. You have a apologized to her and taken serious steps to make sure something like this never happens again. I would completely focus solely on your recovery for the first 90 days. She is causing a distraction do to her huge ego.

NoJimmy

We are both closer to 50 than 40, not kids.

NoJimmy

I have a hard time understanding this part

NoJimmy

You may be right. When this first happened I hung on with desperation, for the last several weeks I have hoped things would get to a point we could talk and have a friendship (she is/was my best friend). Thinking about letting go entirely is the scariest thing I can think of (my heart just sunk typing that).

Hawkeye13

Hi NoJimmy;
Being sober and working on your recovery (that's more than just not drinking as you know)
is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her.
I really understand missing your best friend, but this is something you need to do for yourself.

You are doing really well but it is still early in the recovery game.
Like dugdug says, you have to be careful and that's why we are encouraging you to put your needs first.

Give yourself at least six months apart and tell her so if permanently is too scary right now.
It is very hard, I know, and my heart goes out to you.
I can feel how you are hurting but it is fantastic that you are being strong.
Making yourself whole and rebuilding your life would be essential to any reconciliation anyway, and you may feel very differently with some perspective on the situation.

digdug

Make new platonic relationships with sober people, Jimmy. I promise you it will help. There are lots of sober people out there who would be happy to be a really good friend to you, and not d!ck you around. These people will support your recovery, not distract you from it.

My sober network is my rock. My safety net. I just checked my phone and I have 33 people that I know I can call who will be there for me when I need it. Who would drive to my house if I was close to drinking. Who would talk me down at 3am from making a stupid decision. These types of people can be your best friends too.

LadyinBC

First I want to say congrats on 42 days! That is awesome.

These are my thoughts and my opinions and please remember they are mine.

I'm pretty sure our families and SO's think the same thing about us when we were drinking.

Alcoholism not only affects us, it effects everyone around us. We basically take everyone out along with us. And I know for me in early recovery it was all about me. It was definitely all about me when I was drinking.

For the people that enable us and have relationships with us, you have to understand that at times they are more worried about how we are going to react to things rather than what is best for them. Maybe she is scared to cut the ties cause she thinks you might start again? She is caught up in this addiction just as much as you are. Just in a different way. I think at times, we really forget this and forget how much our actions damage those around us.

She is damaged as well and for them it is even harder for them to let go of the relationship. Let's face it, we are good at manipulating people and we encourage them to enable us.

When you have some more sober time you might want to read some of the stories in the family forum. I am not saying you have to post there. It can be hard reading some of them but it can be eye opener when you see it from their point.

If you really love this women you will let her go and let her work on her own life recovery because this something that she needs to do for HERSELF. She might not have an addiction but she is caught up in this too and she also needs to recover from it.

fearNloathing

I agree 100%, she is playing games with you somthing you don't need in your life right now, foucus on yourself and your recovery.

Best of luck.