Angel1234

So, my last post was after I found out my bf at the time was thrown in jail. To make a long story short, he had two warrants out for his arrest from Spring 2013 for not completing his probation or paying his fines after he had a year to do so from getting in trouble for drugs in 2012. He had a year to complete it, but of course, was high and never did it, ignored the courts and had warrants. He was questioned by a police officer on Oct 30 when someone had called in a suspicious vehicle report, the officer questioned him (it was his friends car) and he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time, the police officer found the warrants and threw him in jail where he would spend the next 30 days.

While he was in there, he was shockingly placing the blame on himself, saying that was the best thing that ever happened to him, it was a bigger wake up call than rehab, etc. I believe that he did have a wake up call. He tried calling me almost every single night he was in there, being grateful I did take the calls when I answered and telling me how right I was about everything.

Anyway, fast forward to why I'm just annoyed beyond belief. His parents have always been major enablers so it shouldn't shock or annoy me anymore. He worked for his parents before he went to jail. Basically, they paid for ALL of his probation fines that caused the warrant (over $6000), paid for ALL of his attorney fees (which I'm sure will rack up to several more thousands of dollars), told him to not worry about having to go back to work and collect unemployment, told him they would pay even MORE attorney fees to help him get his drivers license back quicker, offered to help him sell his condo (which was paid by them) and get him a new place if that made him happy and even take him car shopping to get him a new car. . . none of which has to be paid back........all the meanwhile, he gets to sit at home on his ass, collect unemployment while they pay the unemployement benefits through their company and he can think of going back to college in the Spring.

What?!?! Hey son..........you deserve a big ole prize (or prizes) for screwing up, lying to us for months, stealing from our company, doing drugs and landing yourself in jail. Why don't you let us pay for all of your bills, buy you things and you can sit home and not pay us back and not work. He's almost 40 years old by the way.

Wow. Then I wonder why he'll never change.

Angel1234

OH I should note the reason he was thrown in jail was because of the warrants and because they found an adderall and a xanax on him when he was arrested.

Raider

Oh Angel, I'm not sure this is yours to judge. I think it will drive you crazy. Good luck.

EnglishGarden

Minimizing and rationalizing are also a form of enabling. His words mean little. So does his gratitude.

Al-Anon is a great place to examine our own thinking and our own actions regarding an addict in our lives. I highly recommend it. Denial is very strong in both addicts and their partners.

Ann

Throwing money at a problem won't make it go away but his parents are trying to buy their way back to "normal". As a mama, I doubt very much that this will work but neither you nor I can control what they do or how it affects their boy.

I agree with the suggestion to go to Al-anon, you will find your balance there and can decide how you choose to live your days ahead.

Hugs

Lily1918

I can relate to this post! D (my AH) comes from a wealthy family and they threw money at him his whole life. I am so full of admiration for his mom because She actually initiated a convo with grandma and I about the amount of money that we will be putting on his books while he is in jail.

Up until this point, however, it was just insane.

For me... over time, I realized that I wasn't actually upset that she was enabling him. Oh sure, I thought that's what it was about... but it wasn't. I had this realization when I was complaining to a friend of mine about his enabling mother. My words were very similar to yours here and she said "Oh Lily, you are such a hypocrite. you enable him too!!! Every time you pretend to believe one of his lies." wow she was right. I was emotionally enabling him, and just as guilty.

I realize now I was just jealous. I wanted my dad to sign an apartment for me. I wanted my dad to buy me new tires. I wanted to be given $100 a week just to have, and not have a job, and have my rent paid. I have never had an enabler like D had in his mom. I was pissed that I didn't, cuz I felt like I deserved the "help" and he didn't.

sending you hugs,
Lily

needingabreak

I am the mother of an AS. I can tell you from my point of view why a parent does this. Because we make ourselves believe if we just do this ONE MORE thing, he'll change. As a parent it is extremely hard to face the reality. You bring your child(ren) up to be a good citizen, have manners, do well and live a good, happy life. When a big wrench gets thrown in we try to fix it because that is what mothers do. From the minute they are born we know we will do anything to protect them and in our ignorance this is what we think we are doing. It takes many screw ups, many hard days and nights of being hurt, worried and disappointed, lied to and stolen from (mine never did this as far as I know) before we are even half ready to admit they are not what we had been hoping. We want so desperately to believe their lies. But ultimately the fantasy is shattered and we have to finally admit the truth. We cannot save them and helping them out of every jam only further hurts them and holds up their recovery. I know it is easy to judge sitting from where you sit and it is frustrating and infuriating but take it from me, it is one of the hardest things for a parent to let go and watch your child make bad choice after bad choice. Try to have a little compassion for his parents and all they have been through. It is probably one of the worst things a parent can go through, except the death of a child.

Lily1918

needingabreak! that was beautiful!

I talked to my MIL on the phone today for about an hour and she told me that she knew every time she handed D a $20 that it was for drugs, but she would rather him get the money from her than to steal it from someone else. She said that she felt like she was protecting society from her son.

I had never thought of it like that before.

Angel1234

Thank you for your posts everyone. I'm typing on my phone so I apologize for typos. Needingabreak your post hit home. I know it must be difficult and no I wouldn't understand since my daughter is only 5. It breaks my heart even imagining her becoming an addict. I've calmed down since my post. I realize a lot of my anger is directed at him and I put up with his behavior and lies for longer than I needed to and that is MY fault.

Lily1918

Have you ever been so frustrated when you were running late and your daughter was trying to dress herself, or tie her own shoes, but it was taking too long, so you just did it yourself instead of letting her struggle so that you could make your appointment on time? It's like that... times a million...

needingabreak

Angel, I completely understand your utter frustration believe me. Do not think for a minute we are not frustrated either, even with ourselves. It's like we have two choices, allow them to be in the gutter or try to save them for a bit longer praying something will sink in and they will stop or ask for help. Some of us are just trying to keep them from dying till they get help. It is heart breaking and not just for parents. See, in reality I KNOW allowing my son to hit bottom would *hopefully* bring him to a place where he would ask for help BUT I also knew it was risking his life. MY 21 yr old nephew died last January from an accidental OD. To many a parent of an addict, we feel the best choice is keeping watch over them and trying to keep them alive. Sure we cant really control it fully but having no control causes much more anxiety, worry and fear. Does this make more sense? Lily, I fully understand your MIL's answers. I feel bad for anyone whose life is affected by a drug addict. The complete chaos, hurt, anger, fear, resentment and toll they take on people around them is astounding. If they only had a clue how awful it is for us. I am sure it is not fun for them either except most of the time they are cluelessly high (I'm sure that is not a word but it fits well don't you think?).

Jend719

I'm sorry to play devil's advocate here but this is a 40 yo man we are talking about. I am a "momma" also of 2 addicts 20 and 21 yo. At some point the enabling HAS to stop. It's not helping....it's hurting! In one of the stickies at the top of the page there is a letter from an addict and in it it says something about needing to hit rock bottom but I can't if you are blocking the entrance! It's so true. A very close friend of ours is in recovery for 10 years. When we would struggle with decisions about telling AD to leave our home, he would say how he's spoken to so many parents who say "but what if they die, OD, get hurt etc...I don't want that on my conscience like I could've prevented it" he said he never knew how to respond. Then someone told him that is is extremely selfish of that parent/spouse/ etc because we are too concerned with how that would make US feel and it's IMPEDING THEIR DEVELOPMENT! I believe this is totally true. There were many decisions I made to make myself feel better so I could sleep at night that were only enabling my children's behavior.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh. I don't mean to be. But the right decisions aren't always the easy ones that make us feel better.

lizwig

Well said Jend. I've made far too many decisions based on fear. I'm doing everything I can not to block the doorway anymore. The toughest decisions can also be the very best ones for all involved. But there is nothing about this that is easy...it takes diligence, focus and never-ending amounts of faith. Parenting an addict is not for weenies. I wouldn't wish it on anyone...but am thankful I am not alone on this journey.

Lily1918

allforcnm

Lets not forget that there are different views on enabling, and what family can do to support and encourage recovery; whats right for one person/family may not be right for another. Many recovery programs have their own views, and that is fine within the program; but we shouldn’t judge others. For example, National Institute of Drug Abuse says it is a myth that people need to hit rock bottom, and in fact it is very dangerous; its best to try to stop the fall as quick as possible and provide professional treatment. That was also the belief of the doctors at the rehab where my husband went, and they encouraged positive reinforcement to promote recovery, but taught not to enable addiction itself.

Again it comes down to differences in opinions on what is enabling. Who knows what this family is thinking, or what their past experiences with addiction are, or what overall issues their addicted son is facing. Was he sentenced to 30 days in jail, or did they let him sit there for 30 days until a court date? Do they expect him to practice some form of recovery while they are supporting him ( a therapist, outpatient, support group)? Will they require him to do drug testing as proof they are enabling recovery & not addiction? Paying off court fees wont keep him clean, making him pay his own court fees wont keep him clean either…. Plenty of people are homeless and still progressing in their addiction, in jail and at best stagnant in their addiction…. Families just do the best they can at any given time with what they know, what they feel is best.

Stucco

Sometimes enabling is a holding pattern for a family that is not ready to deal with the addiction. Family members may have other critical issues that need to be dealt with first and dealing with the addiction would put them in overload.

LovesToTravel

Oh how I wish I could stop enabling a 26 year old son. I wish it was just that easy to say no and throw him out on the street along with his $124,000 medical bills for being a dumbazz!

This is hard for everyone involved.