Lyssy

Any advise or suggestions on what questions to ask and what documentation to take to the first visit to a lawyer?

I have some financial info (tax returns, bills, etc.). I just want to be as prepared as possible so that I get good advise and she can give me as accurate picture of what my options are.

Thanks

lizatola

I didn't take anything when I went for a consultation. Why don't you call them and find out what they would like to see, if anything. I found that the first meeting is mostly informational and we didn't have time to get into the financials. And, actually, when I did ask a few things that were financially related she told me to find a tax consultant. She was more concerned with our son and the issues regarding custody, etc than she was about bills or 401Ks. I'm sure that stuff would get hashed out in the future, though, if I were to file.

Lyssy

No kids. Really no debt, only the mortgage. Financials are what I am concerned about as that will make a big difference on how I will proceed.

unsureoffuture

I've met with 4 so far and they just ask general questions like how much each of your make, Mortgage on your home, amount of 401 K's etc. Then they just tell you the law surrounding it. You have been married this long so you are entiltled to X, Y Z. They explore what you are looking for in terms of the divorce, custody, property distribution. They tell you about the process and how long it will take and give you a retainer fee quote. You really don't get into details until you retain them. That is when you hand in all those documents. They say you should visit a minimum of three before making your decision

Ixi

Agree with unsureoffuture. Might also be helpful to know the general value of your stuff, ie household furnishings, cars, etc.

digdug

Also bring copies of title/deeds of any real property (primary residence, etc.) and vehicles.

In addition to the tax returns, try to get copies of your AH's W-2 for at least the past five years.

Finally, any documentation of current balance of retirement plans like 401ks, pension, IRAs, and whole life insurance plans, as well as any bank accounts, regardless of whether they are JSAs (joint savings accounts).

atalose

The best thing you can do is write down all of your concerns and questions. Keep in mind this is a fact finding mission for you to gain knowledge of what you can expect during the divorce process.

Usually not until you sign a contract and give a retainer do they really want any of the paperwork you can provide.

You certainly can bring along any paperwork you may have but they are not going to really want it until you actually sign a contract.

Also, ask that when it comes to providing copies of any paperwork they will require how many copies do they require so that you can provide them instead of them charging you to make copies themselves.

Lyssy

Yeah, that is what I thought. I am going to get screwed. I am the primary bread winner (make 2x what H makes). I have the pension - he has sh!t. I carry the insurance on both of us. I have the life insurance. I have the inheritance (which he shouldn't be able to touch, but who knows). This is the primary reason I have been procrastinating with going to meet with the attorney. I just want out. He can keep the house (which he can't afford without my income and probably couldn't get approved to refi into his name making the $$ he makes) but I cannot leave and continue carry him on insurance and live comfortably with that burden.

I really feel like a hostage.

overit263

I took everything and had copies of everything with me. Loan info, marriage license, credit debt info, car info, basically anything to do with the marriage and I kept it in a folder just in case I need any of it. Also kept all voicemails, emails from him stating any important information. I filled out some pretty basic forms and then the attorney and I talked for a while. I cried a lot and she just listed to what had been going on, how long we had been married etc. I was all over the place talking about it, but my lawyer is really great and pretty compassionate if you can believe that!

Ixi

*attempts to not be offended*

overit263

Don't be offended! I thought she was going to be a total hard ass that was going to snap at me to stop crying! She has done a ton of charity work, adopted all of her foster kids etc. Ha! Sorry Ixi!

I had heard that she was a bulldog in the courtroom so I was kind of scared of her before I met her!

Ixi

Haha just joking. I'm a law student so I'm a bit sensitive to the stereotypes!

Family lawyers are usually really good at handling the emotional side. They kinda have to be, you are far from the first person to get emotional in her office I'm sure! Glad you liked her!

dandylion

Ixi---one of my brother-in-laws is a partner in a wash, DC. law firm. I try to "get" him with the bad lawyer jokes----and, it is impossible!! He gets to all of the really good ones before I do!! LOL.

I know that people make lawyer jokes--but, wait until their as* is in a sling--and they cling to their lawyer closer than their mamma...LOL.

dandylion

hopeful4

I did not take anything and was sort of a mess. He was great and knew what to answer even though i was not sure what to ask lol. I got a recommendation from a friend and that helped i think. Its easier to seaprate a long marriage than you would think when you remove the emoation and anger from it that part surprised me. Apparently even though ive been married a long time its not nearly as complicated as i thought it will be. Good luck, hugs, and God Bless!

Yurt

Lyssy,
I'm glad that you started this thread. I am getting ready to make a call as well with similar circumstances. I have the name and number of an attorney that was recommended to me by a friend.
My AH is on disability due to a back injury,so if he works, he would lose that income. Of course, he would not be able to work full-time because of the injury. I have a decent job (elementary teacher) but here in Arizona, the salary is pretty mediocre. He was self employed before his injury,and of course, has no retirement. Never planned further ahead than his nose (or his next beer). He can't draw Social Security for about 2 more years, but at that time he would have more flexibility as far as how much income he could earn. I had been thinking for a while that I would just wait until then, as it would coincide with DD's high school graduation. I just don't want to wait that long now.
The goober just woke up a while ago, went to stand up and fell on his face. Said that his foot stuck to the rug. Foul words in my direction when I tried to help him to bed. Complaining mightily about his sore ankle. All I need now is for him to seriously injure himself before I can leave. Lovely.
Don't I sound like a compassionate wife?

peaceofpi

If you have significant separate property, you may want to ask the lawyer about getting a forensic accounting trace as soon as possible so you don't spend (or keep spending) your separate property, particularly if it's commingled with community property.

CarryOn

I took in a list of questions, my primary focus was knowing my legal options/obligations and protecting our assets as we do not have children. I wanted to know about the potential impact on us if he got a DUI (especially if he injured someone else), what would need to happen with a separation or divorce, how a separation of our assets would work out, if I could get spousal support if we separated & I stayed in the house until we sold it, etc., etc. The attorney asked me questions about our incomes, assets, retirement assets, etc. and gave me some good general information and what information she would need if I proceeded.

I have not yet had to use any of the information she gave me, but the information gained was invaluable & really set my mind at ease. I know there is a sticky about this, but I'll reiterate - anyone living through the circumstances many of us are can benefit from a consultation from an attorney.

overit263

since mine still won't tell me anything that he did, my main concern was about his debt. I was more afraid that he would OD and die, and I would be responsible for all of his debt before we got the divorce finalized. I kept repeating that. She said not to worry at this point etc. I started getting calls from local hospitals for his debt collections - after he was already gone and out of state...then the weird mail started coming from debt collectors from another state that we had lived in. He took everything else from me and I have left is a good credit score, and I did not want him taking that from me as well. I pay a monthly fee to have my credit monitored just in case he EVER gets desperate and tries to use my ssn to start credit cards etc. I will pay for that service for the rest of my life just so I can monitor it. He still won't confess to anything he did while we were married, so I can only assume the worst of the worst.

peacesoul

I could probably help with questions too. I am in the process of divorcing AH. I'm the breadwinner and all that. States vary, but seems to be typical that 'marital' assets are split 50/50, including house equity built during marriage, 401k and stocks, any other vehicle/equipment/property. And 10 years married is the magic point for pensions, where after 10 years, the other spouse would get some level of benefits at that retirement age. If you really have a record of serious mis-deeds (like he's in prison), then you'll probably be able to keep more.
Very very hard pill to swallow. Posts here helped me cope. And I can say (and have said, had in thrown back in my face a bit), I am divorcing, no matter if I have to go live in my parents basement. I tried reconciliation in the past, but this time I'm saving my soul.
And of course time, longer you wait, more $$ he'll get. I.e. my 401k value increase since 1st 'decision' to divorce, and even while divorce is processing, that increase will be likely split 50/50. Blah. Good luck (I have a small child, which I'm so thankful for because she's an awesome kid, makes the divorce/custody concerns much more worrisome than $$).
Last bit, alimony, I don't know where it'll shake out, but depending on income disparity and length of marriage, may be a factor (need lots of water for that pill too!).

peacesoul

And unless you think it'll be hard to get your hands on paperwork, being the good little soldier and getting all ducks in a row may only be marginal. For me, as the months go on in the process, I just need to continually give updates on paperwork and I'm kinda seeing it as a waste of time (mine and attorneys). Discovery will flush it all out, but you may get lucky and get some kind of big-picture agreement with your spouse without getting into the nitty gritty. Save your and attorney's time/money.