James86

I'm so glad I found this site as I hope you can all give me a bit of insight and support in my situation.

I've been dating an opiate addict for seven years, however, it wasn't until two years ago that he started abusing painkillers, followed by heroin (snorted). He lost his job, got arrested twice (once for marijuana and once for heroin), crashed our car three times, received numerous traffic tickets and made us lose our apartment because of all the money he was taking behind my back. He was a server, so he would act as though he only made a certain amount of money when really he made so much more. We both moved into my parents house and have been trying to make ends meet here. I've also been supporting him through him "wanting to get clean." He tried going to meetings, but he then said he didn't need them. I thought he was clean, but he was not. Then, he tried cold turkey detoxing. (He has no health insurance). I supported him and helped in any way I could. He just wanted suboxone strips from friends. I felt that wasn't right either. (What do you guys think?) If he wasn't on suboxone strips, he was miserable. After 11 days clean (I credit it to me hiding the car keys), I caught him in a lie. I said he needed to pack up some stuff and leave and stay away until he's clean. I'm at the point where I feel that the effect of him losing me will hopefully get him clean. Today was the day I drove him to a friend's house. He said a free rehab won't take him until at least three days from now. Since I can't trust him, I told him to stay at a friend's house until then. If he goes to rehab, I will gladly drive him and support him. I'm now home for a few hours and second guessing it all. I'm not a very confident person and my fear is that he'll resent me for "abandoning him." However, I can't take the chance that he will take more money out of our joint bank account, crash the car (which is only under my name), run out of gas like he did a week ago, or affect my parents' house. We had a very loving goodbye, and I'm hoping to hear that he will go to a rehab in a few days. Am I doing the right thing? I've been reading a lot of conflicted stories on "tough love" and giving up on people in hopes of them wanting to get clean. Please HELP! (p.s. he has no job, so my money is our only income. I basically support him, but have had control of the money recently.)

Maui78

Hi James, welcome. Glad u found this forum. You are in the right place. You have just taken a huge step for you. I know it's hard, but he needs to find the strength to get clean with or without you. It doesn't matter what you do, he will continue to use or try and get clean and work recovery when he is ready. No sooner, no later. I have been through bell and back with my RGF over the last year and a half. Only when I started going to alanon, taking the wise advice, and looking at the reality of the situation did I radically accept the three c's..and was then able to work on my own recovery. It took almost a year for me to stick to my boundaries, to realize my addict was not different, and that focusing on me was the only answer. I tried everything else. I want to say so much more, but I will in time and now will defer to the wonderful and wise members of this forum who have been here for a loong time. Stick around, it's a long journey. We can help you through it.

James86

I forgot to mention that my goal is to spend my life with this guy. The only reason I "cut him off" is in hopes that he gets clean so that we can continue our journey together. If he's going to change on his own time, was it pointless to leave him?

KeepinItReal

Get a separate bank account asap. He can use subs and still get high a few hours later. Do you want to know how I know?

Leaving him will not solve his addiction. He doesn't need money to get high if he's stealing. Subs let the addict function in between highs. If its abused like this it makes the addiction stronger and worse.
If hes saying hes going to rehab that's wonderful. Many are self supported and cost nothing to attend.

Every loved one of opiate addicts think their loved one will not steal from them. We all believe our situation is unique. I don't doubt you love each other but he is unable to love you while in active addiction.

Rehab is the only solution... and even then relapse rates are high. This is a dangerous demon he has. It will destroy anything in its path if you don't get out of its way. Its good you separared yourself... he will need to find the help and make it stick.

KeepinItReal

Until he gets sober.... the relationship will be hell. You should have left him bc you cant take his bs anymore. Nothing you can or will do can get him sober. Push rehab with an iron fist. Don't be surprised if he has every golden excuse in the book or chooses the drugs over u.

James86

Thanks KeepinItReal. I am definitely pushing rehab and I told him he has to stay somewhere else because I can't take all the lying and disrespect. I told him I deserve better. I can only pray and hope for the best.

KeepinItReal

So very true and painful to come to terms with. I was pregnant with our 2nd child when I finally let go.

You can read all my past posts. I have been through it. 12 years and counting and 2 kids together. Hes asleep next to me. Sober for today... and sinse Aug. 28th. Bc I called detectives to have him locked up. I notified them he had violated probation (drug charges) and was on a hinge and scared for society. Gratefully he got caught with needles and was arrested. A sick world where getting your husband put in jail is the safer option.

James86

I almost considered calling the cops the other night to set my bf up. I didn't have the heart to do it. He also has a cell phone ticket due this Friday, which I think I'm going to pay. I'm debating it. Do I let him get a warrant for his arrest, or pay it and let the rest be up to him? If he's planning on going to rehab Saturday, it seems wrong of me not to pay it...

KeepinItReal

Well he put himself in jail. I was only keeping the streets safer. I would like to add that I really take no responsibility for him staying sober. He was released Nov 13th. Hes going to a 14 month plus program in January. Yet, my husband has a cycle. 6 months sober 6 months not for the last 2 yrs. He maintained one year..... the longest.

KeepinItReal

He has to more than want to get sober. It takes professional help. Then its up to him to maintain... which is the most challenging. My best advice to you. Go see a therapist that specializes in drug abuse. Get your own help. Its hell going through what we do. We deserve the freaking vacation. Yet we are the responsible ones. Make him accept accountability. Stop bailing him out. He might be angry... but he knows its his responsibilities ... not Ur's. Your his partner. The scale should be equal. They like to put us as mother roles. We are not there caretakers. They are grown men and deserve what they get. He must take accountability for hid actions.

uncaged

We have alot in common. We both have boyfriends that are addicted to opiates, stealing from us, crashing cars, living off of us, and are draining us emotionally. We love them, we take care of them, and we think the fear of finally losing us will change them. For the first time today I'm realizing I'm not dealing with the person he once was. I'm dealing with a brain and body hijacked by opiates. I have to let him go and not rescue him this time, out of love. I have to take my heart out of this and use rational thoughts. I hope you do too. I feel for you and your situation as im living it myself. We need to stop blaming ourselves for everything. If they want it they need to make the changes regardless of what we do.

overit263

I always think of our opiate addicts as the zombies on Walking Dead. They do get hijacked and they aren't the people that they were when they were clean or before using.

Lily1918

It is true that free rehabs require an addict to complete the first 3 days of detox before they will be accepted. Sometimes, depending on the person it can take 4 or 5 days.

I do agree that if you leave him or decide to spend some time apart from him, it should be because you want to keep yourself safe, or you can't be happy around him. Leaving in order to get them to get clean almost never works. That is just setting up for disappointment.

It is illegal to use suboxone or methadone without a prescription, and in the state of Arizona you would be charged with the same felony as if you were holding heroin. These drugs should always be given by a doctor. I don't know about sub, but here in AZ, there are free or low cost methadone clinics, and the cost is still less than the cost of using, even without insurance. Many times an addict does not want to get these harm reduction meds through a doctor, because that means drug testing, and often times a required amount of meetings per week and a sponsor or accountability partner.

I suppose it might be a good thing that he has tried detoxing. is that what he is going to be doing at his friends house? I have helped my AH (addict husband) detox from heroin 4 or 5 times and it was hell on earth every time, for him and for me.

I am not going to tell you to dump him. I am not going to tell you to run. If I did I would be a hypocrite. I have no plans of divorcing my husband who is a heroin addict.

I will tell you that while a person is in rehab the little stresses of a romantic relationship can be very triggering. It is so much easier when in early recovery to not have a romantic partner at all. I think it is safe to say that when an addict is using they are extremely selfish, well... early recovery is also a very selfish time.

Lets pretend that he does go to the free rehab. The first 30-60 days (most of them are anywhere from 6-18 months long) will most likely be No Contact. No letters. No calls. No visits. Then, the visits will be very far and few between. He will be super duper busy. At the Salvation Army they work an 8-12 hour day on campus. This pays for their room and board. That helps them learn how to keep a job while they are sober, you don't get fired for yelling at your boss there, you just get the TV taken away etc. after that they have meetings and recovery classes. Lights out is usually about 10pm. Visits are very limited and so are phone calls.

Do you really want a relationship with someone that you can't talk to? someone who you cant spend any time with? I feel compelled to repeat that I just want to tell you what loving a heroin addict is like for me.

Somebody once told me to take the addiction out of it. Pretend he is not an addict or an alcoholic at all. Ask yourself: Does he love me? How do I know? Does he hit me? Does he call me names? Is he honest? or does he lie all the time? When he tells me he will be there at a certain time is he always late? Does he steal from me? Has he ever cheated on me with someone else? Does he talk nicely about me to other people? or does he talk crap behind my back? does he get angry or abusive when I can't or won't give him money.

In my opinion it is more important to look at the relationship than the addiction. Look at how you are being treated, instead of looking at whether or not they are clean.

My husband did lie. He also stole. I actually set all of my bills on autopay, went to the bank, took him off of the account, and cut up the debit card. That way, The only way to get money was to actually go inside the bank with my ID from the counter.

For me I chose to stay with my husband because he never hit me or called me names, He rarely even raised his voice. I really enjoy the way we share our faith. We played piano together. We went to church together. He always was able to keep a steady job. Paying bills was never a problem. He paid almost all of my sons medical bills. I would read us stories at night out loud and do all of the voices. we would have picnics at the park and swing on the swings. He did get angry when I wouldn't give him money but then he would just leave. His style of abuse was always more about neglect and the cold shoulder than being mean to me directly. sometimes he would leave for hours upon hours at a time. One time, in the very beginning, he left for three days. Even now, we never see each other and rarely ever talk because he is in jail, and will be in prison anywhere from 2-4 years. For me, Marriage (or being in a committed relationship... same thing) is not about being with the right kind of person. It is about choosing to be the right kind of person.

I know it seems like a very lonely lifestyle, and a far cry from the kind of relationship that many people would want. Loving an addict is never easy.

wow. sorry this reply is so long. I am sorry that addiction has touched your life, but I am glad that you are here and I hope you keep posting!
sending you hugs,
Lily

AnvilheadII

don't pay HIS tickets. he's a big boy, he "should" be responsible for his own debts, his own tickets, warrants, etc. he SAYS he's going to rehab on Saturday....I would not be surprised if come Saturday there's some reason he can't go. you did a good thing to get him out of your parent's house. you don't need his BS and they sure don't either!!! I think he's caused quite enough damage.

hopeful4

Don't count on you leaving to get him clean.That very rarely works. It is a choice. Are you going to spend YOUR life with a serious addict and go down that road or are you going to separate. He has to want sobriety for himself, and with H addicts that is very hard. I am sorry. I guess what I am saying is that he may never change....

Keep posting, you are not alone!

Maui78

You might want to ask yourself, is it pointless to want a partner who is in active addiction? What do you want in this life, in a partner, in your home? It helps and will be lifesaving to take the focus off of him and put it where it belongs- on you. It's easy to focus on them and " helping them get clean". But we can't help.we can only be supportive, AT A Distance, until they are in recovery and have done the work on themselves. It doesn't mean you don't love him, or don't want to spend your life with this man- but a break to keep u, your home and your sanity protected from active addiction will really help you step back and look deep within you, for you.

Maui78

I focused on others for years, as it was easier than looking at myself and my issues. But once I did that, and kept doing it(despite the fear and pain and effort it takes to change) and have never been more ok with me. I imagine that may be why I have been in long term relationships with people who I perceived needed rescuing. I proceeded to lose my self as I fought to save them.Love...you can get lost when you have to fight to win it.

James86

Well, I woke up and $80 was missing from the bank account, which means I was unable to pay his ticket. My high hopes suddenly vanished. I tried calling him several times to no answer, so I text him and told him that he will have a warrant and will go to jail. Finally, after an hour, he said "I'm going to replace it. It will be back in the acct by 5." Sadly, I don't believe this and after reading all of these responses, I'm starting to feel negative about it all. I'd like to hear any positive stories... any successes?

AnvilheadII

honey, it's time you looked at the FACTS of YOUR situation, instead of hoping to hear of someone else's success story and then live on that hope.

He STOLE 80 bucks from you and i doubt it went to charitable causes. and i doubt HE used it to pay his own damn ticket.
then he goes radio silent and i think we know why. and now, that you've called him on it he SAYS he'll get it back to you.

why does he have access to your account? cut that off. NOW. and then think hard about cutting HIM off. why would you want ANYONE in your life who lies to you, steals from you, and uses drugs? he's not trying to detox so he can go to rehab. i'd stay the chances of him stepping foot in rehab are two, slim to none. only one who needs saving right now is YOU.

James86

Is it true that you need to be clean before entering a rehab, or a free one for that matter? His excuse for using a painkiller the other night was so that he would have a dirty urine and get into rehab, but I always thought it had to be clean...

And yes, I am changing my bank account tomorrow morning. I took the rest of the money out. He has until 5pm to put the $80 back in and then I will start a new bank account tomorrow morning. He also did not pay the ticket because it's $130. He likely took $60 for heroin and $20 for cigarettes. Some life he's living.

It's just hard to give up because I've loved this man for over seven years and I know he's just a zombie right now. He's not the person I used to know.