Update/A Big Step
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Update/A Big Step
I don't post my own threads often, but wanted to share where RAH and I are for any ES&H others may have had.
I kicked RAH out in March as I couldn't stand to live with an active A any longer. He quit drinking in May of this year. We have kept in contact, gradually spending more time together as time went on. I go to AlAnon & individual counseling, he goes to AA & individual counseling.
After several conversations about various issues, we have decided it is time for him to move back home so we can work on our marriage. Recovery is top priority and we will continue our own paths, but will also start working together in couples counseling. We have agreed that there is change needed to have a healthy relationship and we have discussed what we want that to look like and fortunately there is a lot of common ground.
As anyone would, I have my concerns about how this will go, but I continue to remind myself to look at the reality of the situation & pay attention to the facts. I'm pleased to say they do look good - communication has been much more open the last few months with good eye contact when we are face to face, he has been considerate & kind towards me - offering to help with things and paying attention to what is happening with me, we are both taking care of our individual responsibilities, etc. I'm doing my best to stick to my side of the street, and I believe he is too.
So, anyone else been here & have any thoughts to share? I know this is a continuous process - lifelong in fact, and that relapse is often part of recovery. I feel much better equipped in dealing with the reality of my life, but I do have hope that we can make this work.
I kicked RAH out in March as I couldn't stand to live with an active A any longer. He quit drinking in May of this year. We have kept in contact, gradually spending more time together as time went on. I go to AlAnon & individual counseling, he goes to AA & individual counseling.
After several conversations about various issues, we have decided it is time for him to move back home so we can work on our marriage. Recovery is top priority and we will continue our own paths, but will also start working together in couples counseling. We have agreed that there is change needed to have a healthy relationship and we have discussed what we want that to look like and fortunately there is a lot of common ground.
As anyone would, I have my concerns about how this will go, but I continue to remind myself to look at the reality of the situation & pay attention to the facts. I'm pleased to say they do look good - communication has been much more open the last few months with good eye contact when we are face to face, he has been considerate & kind towards me - offering to help with things and paying attention to what is happening with me, we are both taking care of our individual responsibilities, etc. I'm doing my best to stick to my side of the street, and I believe he is too.
So, anyone else been here & have any thoughts to share? I know this is a continuous process - lifelong in fact, and that relapse is often part of recovery. I feel much better equipped in dealing with the reality of my life, but I do have hope that we can make this work.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 183
Originally Posted by CarryOn 
So, anyone else been here & have any thoughts to share? I know this is a continuous process - lifelong in fact, and that relapse is often part of recovery. I feel much better equipped in dealing with the reality of my life, but I do have hope that we can make this work.
Hang in there and good luck!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
CarryOn---In terms of his recovery---the general suggestion is that the alcoholic not make any major moves in the first year of recovery. Remember that he is in EARLY recovery.
The demands of a relationship can be very stressful--and requires skills that the alcoholic often does not have. Handling strong emotions (positive or negative) can be very triggering. It takes a while for the alcoholic to work the steps and to give up the alcoholic thinking and attitudes that drove their life and actions while actively drinking. It is not unusual for the alcoholic to "want what I want when I want it".
You don't have to do anything before you are ready. Your welfare comes first.
If you do decide to do counseling together--I would suggest that it would be prudent to begin the counseling first.....before living together.
dandylion
The demands of a relationship can be very stressful--and requires skills that the alcoholic often does not have. Handling strong emotions (positive or negative) can be very triggering. It takes a while for the alcoholic to work the steps and to give up the alcoholic thinking and attitudes that drove their life and actions while actively drinking. It is not unusual for the alcoholic to "want what I want when I want it".
You don't have to do anything before you are ready. Your welfare comes first.
If you do decide to do counseling together--I would suggest that it would be prudent to begin the counseling first.....before living together.
dandylion
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Glad to hear a happy update CarryOn! You are so right that this is a day-by-day process so I don't have any great big words of wisdom except to stick to your therapies and what you already know works for you. It's probably a good idea to re-visit your boundaries to see if you feel any of them need adjusted/added on to? (I could envision that boundaries may be different for living separately & together.)
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 453
Thanks all!
Dandylion, I hear you loud & clear! I had a lot of discussion with my counselor about this before making a decision. A lot of the concerns that I have going forward can't really be addressed by living separately at this point, so it was more me wanting to have him home. He's been happy to come home whenever I would allow it, but did not pressure me to do so before I was ready.
I find it ironic that I can put myself first in terms of my career, but never really thought to do that in my personal life. I learned from home, religion, etc. to put others first. So I'm working on changing that to make sure my needs are met first and let others be responsible for themselves.
Who knows what will happen...I could be back her in a week, a month, a year, etc. saying we're back to square one. Regardless, I have much better tools for dealing with the possibilities now and am building my life the way I want it...hopefully RAH fits in as well.
Dandylion, I hear you loud & clear! I had a lot of discussion with my counselor about this before making a decision. A lot of the concerns that I have going forward can't really be addressed by living separately at this point, so it was more me wanting to have him home. He's been happy to come home whenever I would allow it, but did not pressure me to do so before I was ready.
I find it ironic that I can put myself first in terms of my career, but never really thought to do that in my personal life. I learned from home, religion, etc. to put others first. So I'm working on changing that to make sure my needs are met first and let others be responsible for themselves.
Who knows what will happen...I could be back her in a week, a month, a year, etc. saying we're back to square one. Regardless, I have much better tools for dealing with the possibilities now and am building my life the way I want it...hopefully RAH fits in as well.
Better when never is never
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Wisconsin near Twin Cities
Posts: 1,745
My mom kicked my dad out many years ago. They were apart for about 3 years. After rehab and two plus years of sobriety, they moved back in together. They've been happily together since - over 25 years.
Good luck!
Good luck!
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