readerbaby71

He tried to get into rehab but couldn't afford it and is hoping to get medicaid. However he's been going to AA meetings every day and although he has some difficult days he's been reaching out to his sponsor and therapist if he feels like drinking. He wants to get better and seems to have a shift in perspective I've not seen before.

I am really proud of him but I still get awful anxiety and resentment when I don't hear from him all day/evening. I immediately assume he's out on a bender and I won't hear from him for days. I keep telling myself to detach because even if that's what he's doing I have no control over it. It helps a bit, but not much.

I'm thinking of leaving my cell at home when I go to work because I don't really need it anyway. At least that would keep me from obsessively checking it every few minutes.

I know it will get better with time. Just kinda venting here.

Hope everyone had a lovely holiday with friends and family. xo

dandylion

readerbaby---you must h ave spent so much time worrying about what he was going to do, that it is like a "habit", now. Like an automatic response. this just shows how we can become so consumed by the actions of the alcoholic.

If habits can be formed--they can be broken!

I think the idea of leaving the phone at home is a good idea.

Detach, detach, detach......LOL.

dandylion

ResignedToWait

I don't mean to be crass...but the only reason it would get better with time is if you become numb to it.

Hopefully, he will be able to keep up his current sobriety...but odds are, he will slip. Every time a slip occurs, it will make the next period of sobriety even more stressful for you, as your anxiety grows awaiting the next slip.

The best way for it to get better isn't through time (becoming more and more jaded every time he slips)...but by working on the three C's, for yourself.

readerbaby71

I just keep repeating the three C's when I feel this way. If he does have another slip he's out the door. That upsets me too, but I am definitely resigned to the fact that it might happen. I've been working on myself and doing well. Other things in my life need to change (my job, for one) so I've been focusing on those more than anything.

dandylion

readerbaby---I think you are doing well (even though you feel like you are struggling). You seem to know the reality and understand the value of focusing on yourself--the things you DO have control over.

Keep on doing what you are doing.

dandylion

readerbaby71

Thanks, dandylion! Sometimes I have a hard time giving myself credit for the things I do.

JustAGirl1971

I second dandylion. I think you're doing great!

Florence

This anxiety was the worst for me. I battled it by -- in my own terms, no offense! -- getting a life. I stayed really busy, got involved in my community, looked into opening a business (didn't happen), started a couple new websites, got a second job, started some new hobbies, made a thousand new friends, refocused on my kids, focused on cleaning my house and simplifying my life. I mean, I really got down into it. I also focused on good self-care, like eating healthy food, getting eight hours a night, and fitting exercise into my life.

I have a lot of obstacles -- money, primarily. I'm paycheck to paycheck, one major car repair away from complete destitution. Don't let this stuff hold you back. Live now!

My STBXAH did end up relapsing, but engaging in these activities made it much easier for me to transition into this new phase of life, because I was not focused on him, what he was doing, or whether or not he was sober. I was focused on making my life better, period. When it came time to break it off, I was really sad and sorry and disappointed and nostalgic, but it did not stop me or slow me down.

Hammer

NOTE: This is very NOT Alanon.

================

You may consider telling him that it would make feel more comfortable and loved that if just one time a day -- some sort of flex-time or something if needed -- that he would call you, say hi, and let you know that all is well.

I am not even thinking of this as any sort of control or monitoring. It is sincere. It would make you feel more comfortable and loved, right?

Here is what I would expect to see:

1. "Ok, honey, THAT is a great idea. I do love you and want you to feel and be secure. I will call you ______ and let you know all is good. Anything else I can do to help us get through all this?"

OR

2. "You are trying to control me! You think you are my monitor and police! yadda, yadda, yadda."

=======

Here is what I am thinking.

If you get #1. You are just dealing with someone with an Addiction, Alcohol, etc. "problem." An A, as it were.

If you get #2. (remember what #2 was in the kindergarten restroom time?) You are dealing with an A-hole. After all, #2 comes from A-holes.

In application, if you see #2 and A-hole coming back from this, I would shut the door and close the lid. Unless you wish to esteem yourself to be a toilet.

When I look through all the miles of posts and messages here -- THAT is the problem I am seeing. We come here thinking that "A" is the problem, when it is more often that we are dealing with A-holes.

ichabod

My husband has been sober for 4 years. It took at least a year for me to stop wondering if he was up to no good any time we were apart. He was really clingy that year, so I didn't have to wonder very often.

The only thing you can do to make it easier for you is to focus on yourself and make a wonderful life. The more you have going on for you, the less you will be concerned about him. He is going to do what he does. He may relapse, he may not. That's all on him. Be happy, be strong, and you will be just fine.

BoxinRotz

Alcoholism is a very selfish disease and so is recovery.

choublak

He doesn't want to quit drinking. That's the bottom line. It doesn't matter what you say or don't say. He isn't ready, so nothing is going to change.

readerbaby71

Did you read my original post? He has quit drinking. I was talking about my OWN reactions and feelings to certain things.

Ixi

Readerbaby--for a second when I read this I thought I sleep-posted from another username! I am in the exact same position. (Isn't that the great thing about SR?)

I'm in a long-distance relationship with my RA so I don't see him regularly--if he wants to ignore me, he can. He's been dealing with a lot of guilt/depression in early recovery, so a lot of times, he does ignore me. I've sort of done the very non-all-anon thing Hammer suggested and asked him to just check in with me once a day, even if it's just "feeling down. don't want to talk today." And he does. Is it healthy? Probably not. But as Hammer said, it's not about control or monitoring. I recognize that recovery is selfish, but a relationship also needs communication (particularly an LDR).

I very much like the leaving the cell phone at home idea, though. Maybe I'll try it when the semester is over and I'm only gone for 8 hours at work instead of 12 hours at school.... Detachment is hard. Baby steps, for me.

readerbaby71

He got his 30 day chip from AA yesterday. His sponsor is such a nice guy--he took the time to go to this specific meeting with my BF to see him get the chip. We were talking last night and he was telling me how he wants to share at meetings, he wants to talk. He said if he doesn't there's no point in going and really working on recovery. I was surprised to hear this because he's always thinking that he should stay silent, not say anything about himself because his self-esteem is so low. He's meeting all kinds of friends who lift him up and make him realize that he's not a bad person, he's not dumb, etc.....I am really happy for him. (and ME!)