Seiceps

I'm up at 3 am. My heads mental. Feel paralysed and nuts. Shaking head as I don't know how to discribe it , which is unusual for me. I just want to drink and drink , yet it provides no respite. I'm so angry with booze. Lured me in then stopped working you wanker. So now what ? Bitter and betrayed in every way. I want the light. I want the freedom. I want the peace. Deciding to not drink bc it simply doesn't work anymore is bloody hard. But there is only one route to take.

Skye2

Hey....deep breath It's hard as hell in the beginning - not sure how AA relates (I'm not an AA member) I see you're in NZ so it's the middle of the night? What's been happening? Xx

Seiceps

Hey Skye it sure is early morning here. The ex just told me he went on a date. I'm gutted, heartbroken. I'm just so sick of being alive. And that's not me. Aa just threw me. It's so intense , so sad , and I'm just thinking wtf am I doing here. I'm scared to death. And my go to cure : booze isn't fixing it anymore. So what now ? Once you open the door to I'm an alcoholic there is no more relief. The relief is now the misery and it's shocking. What now ? Abstinence ? Great that sounds fun. But there are no more choices. It's like being told what to do. I hate it. Petulant , ****** **** right now. ; )

Seiceps

****$y twqt is what I was trying to get across !

Seiceps

I used to live in the midlands too Skye when I was. 13. Stoke on Trent god It was a revelation !

Skye2

Hey I went to a couple of AA meetings and left and promptly went to the nearest booze shop - it was like a depressives anon meeting the ones I went to. They're not all the same
You're looking at life through the eyes of someone who is newly sober - trust me, it gets better!! Let's be honest, if how you feel at the beginning is as good as it gets, then we'd all be back out their drinking wouldn't we

Tread water for now - sod the ex - forget the creep - you're worth more

Skye2

Stoke on trent has an amazing shute in the swimming pool - really can't think of anything else good to say about it

whiskeyman

i felt the same way about AA when i first got there.

I spent the first year after the meetings driving to the liquor store right after.

When i hit bottom I was ready to really listen to what they were saying.

Seiceps

Haha you made me laugh. Alton towers up the road. ? What a dive. I left cairns Australia and went there. Wow. Mind altering. Creep yip , you've no idea. I reAlise I'm on the threshold just need to tip myself over. Don't know if aa for me , but wasn't making it alone.

Skye2

Whiskeyman - the one I went to was run by some guy who had decided the local AA meeting was 'wrong' (I found out later). This guy, would open the meeting and rudely doze off, or seem to be doing so, when people were sharing!! Ok, I know some people can be boring but that was NOT polite thing to do, you know?
Anyhow, I moved towns 2 years back and was looking for local meetings and I discovered the ones he opened have closed down

Skye2

Stoke is an old pottery town - can't really say more as someone from here might live there, but think Jerry springer

Seiceps

Hey whiskey ,all I could think of in meeting was getting some wine. Rode my bike to supermarket and promptly came off. Yay. Messed up my hands and leg a bit. Still didn't work. God wouldn't it be lovely to be able to switch off into that place of drunken sleep where nothing happens ? No dreams / nightmares/ reality / consciousness. I just don't want to be present. Bc it sux. But I'm a resilient old bird , I know I'll get thru. Just wish I was thru. Thanks you guys. You rule x

Skye2

Seiceps - you're fun Please stay around Xx

Seiceps

Yr funny Skye. Cheers for making me larf ! It was so dirty , that's what I couldn't get over. Everything was black. After nz and oz which are so shiney in comparison. Years of soot from the kilns made it black. I was a spoilt little kiwi kid. But I love England , I feel at home there. All my family from Yorkshire. I was made in uk but born here. For which I am eternally grateful. Ever been to hull ? Lol x

LiaAc

I haven't been to any AA/NA meetings myself (yet...). I'm apprehensive about it. But I know what you all mean. Three years ago when I went into rehab, I spent three days as an inpatient and one month as an outpatient in their program. The outpatient rehab meetings left me emotionally and physically drained. After the last meeting I attended (4 weeks into the six week program) I promptly went and got myself some pills. I just couldn't take it.

If you fall to temptation, make it count. Learn from it. Take something with you when you try again.

Seiceps

You know what Skye ? I am fun. Always have been the life of the party etc. just need to learn / relearn how to be that way without a drink. Yr pretty amusing too. And we don't know each other ; were on other side if the world from each other , were sober , and we're laughing and connecting. So it can be done aye ? Thx love x

Skye2

No, been to Harrogate which isn't far (posh Yorkshire) Family are irish and Scottish so have passed through and lived in a lot of places Bit of a gypsy really

Seiceps

It is intense. But so is being an alcoholic. Like I said. The choices become limited. It's really effing annoying but it still is.

Skye2

Damn right it can I just wanna know though and I've been trying not to ask - I know how you say SIX in NZ..but how..erm...no i'll leave it there
You're fantastic - you are SO gonna fit in here

Seiceps

Sex ? Hmmmm not worth thinking about I think ! We say six ozzies say sex ! Ask dee ! We have a charmed existence. I can hear the beach right now. It's literally at the bottom if my road. So much to be grateful for. Yes I love this place. Was here back in March April giving it a good go but heartbreak got the better of me. I think if I can wash that man right outa my hair I'll be ok. Next step sobriety. No more. I'll say it now. I won't drink tomorrow. ( today ! )