chickaree777

Today I met with a lawyer and began the process of filing for divorce. The lawyer has a list of boundaries that he says I should set with my Ah. Such as, not speaking or texting. I know this is good. He says it is to protect me. My AH has been verbally abusive and is manipulating and controlling me. But it seems I am also an addict--- addicted to talking to my AH on a regular basis. The idea that we might not be in contact every day is REALLY bothering me EVEN THOUGH I know it's healthier and every single person in my life is telling me to stop being in contact with him.

He has been using cocaine and meth, has cheated on me, hasn't had a job in years. I've been holding the family together and simply cannot do it any more or it's going to kill me. And yet--- after all that I fear hurting him. I almost want to back out of the divorce and continue allowing myself to be verbally abused JUST to avoid hurting him. Is that not insane?? Jeez.

overit263

congratulations on taking your life back! It's not insane. You have a tough road ahead of you, but it is worth it. I'm waiting for my divorce to go through, and it is hard not being able to talk to your husband like before, but obviously it gets so bad that you have come to the conclusion that you need to get out. I'm here with you! I have had rough spots here and there, but over all, I'll take those rough spots over being with a manipulating, lying, stealing, cheating addict. Stay strong and put your feelings before his. He's put his first anyway and neglecting yours.

chickaree777

Thanks, Overit263. I'm amazed at the resistance I feel about this. We've been separated for 5 months and I've known I needed to stop contact with him, but when actually faced with it I find I'm still so entangled in his world and so addicted to talking to him. I HATE the idea of not communicating with him EVEN THOUGH he's treated me so horribly. It shows me that I have a problem just like he does (though I like to think mine is easier to overcome...)

overit263

it's hard, but you have to build your self esteem back up. You can do this! You're halfway there!

AnvilheadII

you are projecting what you think he might feel and trying to prevent it. maintain the status quo. if I just do <<this>> all will be OK.

you HAVE to stop looking to him to make you ok. he can't. he really REALLY can't. no one can. the only person that will make you ok....is you.

you are separated. good. you have started divorce proceedings. good.
you are conflicted. understandable. but don't stop. keep moving forward. listen to the people in your life that care about you, know you, love you...listen to your attorney. listen to that small quiet voice inside you that has propelled you this far.

he's a junked out, unemployed, cheating, lying rat. and yet......that is who you are basing your self worth upon. he's become your higher power.

take your power back. go no contact. sure it's hard at first, but it gets easier. practice practice practice.