DAY 422 - reality check
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 35
DAY 422 - reality check
For all the previous times I have tried to quit I was so focused on the abstinence that all the unnecessary pressure that comes with that fixation often led to relapse.
This time around, a sequence of events lead to an epiphany of sorts.
An associate of mine was found dead in his parents back yard at dawn on a Sunday morning. He had died of a heart attack as a result of an overdose. He was 33.
I wasn't with him on the night but some friends were. Make no mistake, that could have been me. That night I had been at a separate party. I'd drunk myself stupid, taken a cocktail of drugs, made a right fool of myself, gotten into a fight, threatened people, destroyed my friends house, kicking windows out, doors off hinges. I then proceeded to entertain a 3 day bender on crystal meth and played out the victim.
I was 29 and I had done this for more than half of my life and I was so over being this person. I was a liability and people didn't want to know me. I could live with that - no problem, screw them anyway! But I couldn't live with knowing that I could have been that person found dead. I went that hard. I cared that little for my life. There had to be some good to come from this tragic loss of life. So I gave up, just like that, DONE. Well not really. One week later, at a dinner I ordered a beer, put it to my mouth and as I went to drink. For some reason I put it down and in desperation said to myself, if I cant do this now, Ill never do this. I gave the beer to my friend and have never looked back.
Until now.
Like a floodgate, two weeks ago at a friends engagement, my old friends, the ones that would so gladly tell me how much of liability and a bad person I was on drugs and alcohol had somehow found a way to turn my good fortune into a new reason to try and bring me down. It was like they were inferior of me and the only way they could be okay with the changes I had made was to be critical of who I had become and what I no longer was. Rumours were even being circulated that I was gay because I no longer slept around with women. These people had turned what I regard as a positive step in having more respect for myself and to women into something negative and something to bring me down about. However this is not about the schoolyard bullying as I am strong willed, I also realise that some of these people are not worth my time. I don't have anything to prove to them and I have made some new friends. So its not about finding new friends. I get that.
The reality check is, that I was like these people. I am so embarrassed. Mortified. But its not just that, its everything. How I handled my relationships with women I loved (cringeworthy), my career (so many missed opportunities) and generally just being a horrible person. I am gutted. I was pathetic. Stupid fool!!!
Right now, this emotion is raw. Ironically, in the years of running from your problems with drugs and alcohol that it is now you realise that the running only delayed emotional development. Healthy emotional development. Now I have to do it. The pain, the embarrassment, the realisation is really quite overwhelming. Its not about relapsing - I won't. I am just grateful to be fortunate enough to have come this far to be given the opportunity to address what I ran from for so long.
The question is, how do I now make amends and be okay with the past because right now I am awfully ashamed of myself.
This time around, a sequence of events lead to an epiphany of sorts.
An associate of mine was found dead in his parents back yard at dawn on a Sunday morning. He had died of a heart attack as a result of an overdose. He was 33.
I wasn't with him on the night but some friends were. Make no mistake, that could have been me. That night I had been at a separate party. I'd drunk myself stupid, taken a cocktail of drugs, made a right fool of myself, gotten into a fight, threatened people, destroyed my friends house, kicking windows out, doors off hinges. I then proceeded to entertain a 3 day bender on crystal meth and played out the victim.
I was 29 and I had done this for more than half of my life and I was so over being this person. I was a liability and people didn't want to know me. I could live with that - no problem, screw them anyway! But I couldn't live with knowing that I could have been that person found dead. I went that hard. I cared that little for my life. There had to be some good to come from this tragic loss of life. So I gave up, just like that, DONE. Well not really. One week later, at a dinner I ordered a beer, put it to my mouth and as I went to drink. For some reason I put it down and in desperation said to myself, if I cant do this now, Ill never do this. I gave the beer to my friend and have never looked back.
Until now.
Like a floodgate, two weeks ago at a friends engagement, my old friends, the ones that would so gladly tell me how much of liability and a bad person I was on drugs and alcohol had somehow found a way to turn my good fortune into a new reason to try and bring me down. It was like they were inferior of me and the only way they could be okay with the changes I had made was to be critical of who I had become and what I no longer was. Rumours were even being circulated that I was gay because I no longer slept around with women. These people had turned what I regard as a positive step in having more respect for myself and to women into something negative and something to bring me down about. However this is not about the schoolyard bullying as I am strong willed, I also realise that some of these people are not worth my time. I don't have anything to prove to them and I have made some new friends. So its not about finding new friends. I get that.
The reality check is, that I was like these people. I am so embarrassed. Mortified. But its not just that, its everything. How I handled my relationships with women I loved (cringeworthy), my career (so many missed opportunities) and generally just being a horrible person. I am gutted. I was pathetic. Stupid fool!!!
Right now, this emotion is raw. Ironically, in the years of running from your problems with drugs and alcohol that it is now you realise that the running only delayed emotional development. Healthy emotional development. Now I have to do it. The pain, the embarrassment, the realisation is really quite overwhelming. Its not about relapsing - I won't. I am just grateful to be fortunate enough to have come this far to be given the opportunity to address what I ran from for so long.
The question is, how do I now make amends and be okay with the past because right now I am awfully ashamed of myself.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Nottingham (UK)
Posts: 2,690
Wow, I hadn't realised homophobia still existed - I'm more surprised by that, than anything you did 'under the influence', which if you're anything like me, you wouldn't have done 'sober'.
It's normal to feel full of remorse and all we can really do is learn from it and be the best we can be in the future
It's normal to feel full of remorse and all we can really do is learn from it and be the best we can be in the future
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 638
It can be an emotional shock that knowing that running away indeed only delayed that emotional development and the inevitable fool act that has come with it. Maybe it helps to know you're not the only one who has felt this way.
Nice reality check by the way. How true that is. Can see the same thing in the people who do drink... this is nothing new of course. It just feels like it to become aware of it consciously. An embarrassed feeling often...
Congrats on 422 days. That is huge.
Nice reality check by the way. How true that is. Can see the same thing in the people who do drink... this is nothing new of course. It just feels like it to become aware of it consciously. An embarrassed feeling often...
Congrats on 422 days. That is huge.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 158
Well, you won't find a quick fix for facing the shame and embarrassment. That shame will be dense and imposing, but you will have to confront it eventually. You've shown excellent insight in acknowledging that relapsing won't help and that you've made prophylactic mistakes causing shame. From here, try to reassure yourself that you are attempting to remedy the shame by changing who you are.
You've obviously become a better person by quitting. Let yourself take pride in that accomplishment and treat it as a step to absolve past transgressions.
You've obviously become a better person by quitting. Let yourself take pride in that accomplishment and treat it as a step to absolve past transgressions.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Hi and congrats on your sober time Luciddelusions
I'm sure my former 'crew' badmouthed me too - but I wasn't around to hear it.
Like you say we grow, we change - and we find friends who reflect that growth and change.
I think that kinda addresses the main point here too.
Yes, like you I did some stuff I'm ashamed of and regret.
But that was a different life and a different me.
I was ill. I got better.
I've learned to forgive myself, and my mates too.
I'm not absolving myself of responsibility tho...my life since has been about service and about being the man I always knew I should be but never had the courage to be before...a kind of living amends if you will.
I've made a few personal one to one amends too.
I feel at peace now about my past - I hope you can be too
I'm sure my former 'crew' badmouthed me too - but I wasn't around to hear it.
Like you say we grow, we change - and we find friends who reflect that growth and change.
I think that kinda addresses the main point here too.
Yes, like you I did some stuff I'm ashamed of and regret.
But that was a different life and a different me.
I was ill. I got better.
I've learned to forgive myself, and my mates too.
I'm not absolving myself of responsibility tho...my life since has been about service and about being the man I always knew I should be but never had the courage to be before...a kind of living amends if you will.
I've made a few personal one to one amends too.
I feel at peace now about my past - I hope you can be too
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