Newsflash: Psychiatrist says I AM the cause!

Old 12-02-2013, 02:50 PM
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Newsflash: Psychiatrist says I AM the cause!

I am so worn out, angry and sad today.

After many years my AH finally went back to the psychiatrist he used to see but stopped seeing about 7 years (at the time we got together).

He has his first session last night and came home full of beans.

There was a lot of good things the psych said, but AH reports he says/ they discovered that:

- I AM the cause of his drinking. Apparently he is drinking to avoid coming home, because he doesn't like being with me or the kids. If he liked coming home then he wouldn't escape to the pub. This conveniently ignores the fact that a) he's been drinking alcoholically for 20 or more years, b) he drinks at the pub regardless of whether I am here or not - actually drinks more, and c) you know what buddy? sometimes after working all day I don't feel like coming home to do dinner, homework, baths, cleaning and then facing his drunk bum either....but I do it because I am a grown up.

- His drinking isn't really a problem...sure he likes a drink, sure he drinks too much, and sure he uses it as an escape. But it would be wrong to focus on the drinking as an issue because it is not the issue. I agree that there are many, many issues....but HOW on earth do you fix those issues when someone is drunk at least 5 days of the week??

- that we don't talk, and I don't listen to him. He can take the tens of thousands of hours I have wasted sitting there chewing endlessly over all his problems in life (real and imagined) and shove them somewhere 'rude'. Literally hours and hours. All his family problems, work issues, disasters with friends, everything. What a waste.

- that he needs to make a decision about our relationship. That we never decided to be together...we just happened. At which point did we not make decisions? When we decided to go ahead with our pregnancy together? Bought a house together? When he asked me to marry him?

It also makes me hurt and angry that he has caused me SO much hurt and pain which remains unexpressed whilst he gets to sit there and make unilateral decisions about MY future. never does he think for one minute that I might not wish to continue our relationship.

And not once does he think f my feelings. I am trying to be encouraging about him getting help but I did say to him that I am not inhuman and he'll have to try to find a little compassion if I have some sort of reaction to his words.

I really do hate him at the moment, its all too much.

And I hate myself and my own fear about being alone. I have started therapy but obviously its a process.

I am reading Co-dependent no more and am doing the exercises and thought I was learning to detach. But from my overwhelming feelings last night, my lack of sleep, and my depression today I guess Im not doing as well as I thought.

Sorry for the essay.....I guess I'm using this as a bit of a journal, in a safe place, where people understand and aren't going to judge me!

Any pointers...soft or hard would be so welcome.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:57 PM
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Hugs. So sorry you're going through this. That psychiatrist sounds like a real "quack", imho.

It also makes me hurt and angry that he has caused me SO much hurt and pain which remains unexpressed whilst he gets to sit there and make unilateral decisions about MY future. never does he think for one minute that I might not wish to continue our relationship.

Yeah, that never crosses their minds, does it. Since the world revolves around them. Do you have access to a therapist of your own? It might be helpful to counteract this nonsense you are enduring.
Sending lots of positive energy your way. Do you have access to Alanon meetings where you are? I've found that to be quite helpful with my recovery. I recently ended a relationship with an alcoholic (we also lived together and have a son). I got incredibly tired of being the only adult in the house and putting up with his abusive behavior when he drank (which was whenever he could afford it, and sometimes when he couldn't) Best wishes and thanks for posting.
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Old 12-02-2013, 02:59 PM
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So sorry jarp crucial thing here is that this is your AH's version of what was said, not what was actually said. You need to look after yourself here. Don't listen to him or third hand accounts, listen to your gut and your friends that you trust. Do you go to alanon. Listen to yourself and work with your own power and don't give up your power for anyone.

Mind yourself and don't dwell on any thing you have been told that you know to be a lie. Hold on to the truth. Sending you hugs.
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:04 PM
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There was a lot of good things the psych said, but AH reports he says/ they discovered that:
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:09 PM
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Thanks both.

Yes one of my girlfriends reminded me of the same thing - his version - what he is filtering and 'hearing'. And obviously I am new in my own recovery and am finding it hard to not feel the finger pointing.

You are so right ladyscribbler....its never crossed his mind ONCE...he actually told me it never enters his brain that I might have my own thoughts and plans!!!

Apparently the other problem he has is that he is completely "unselfish" and needs to learn to put himself first.

I am PRAYING that the psych meant putting himself first over the alcohol.....bc if he meant in regards to the rest of life/ his family etc etc then I almost laughed out loud. He ALWAYS puts his own needs first.
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:09 PM
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Sorry you're dealing with this. My STBXAH sees a shrink who (from all I can gather) spends 45 minutes a week metaphorically patting him on the back and helping him come up with creative excuses for his abhorrent behavior, but never actually encouraging him to take responsibility for himself or his actions. I asked him why he's dropping $40 a week on the copay when his mom would do the same freaking thing for free?!?
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:09 PM
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HAHAHA Carlotta that gave me the first good laugh of the week!!!! I've just saved this pic as my screen saver!
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:10 PM
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Originally Posted by wysiwyg View Post
I asked him why he's dropping $40 a week on the copay when his mom would do the same freaking thing for free?!?
Thanks another great laugh!!!! TOO TRUE!!!!!
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:11 PM
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Ugh.

Look, he NEEDS this to be about you so that it doesn't have to be about HIM. It feels intensely personal, but it actually isn't. You are a casualty of proximity. His addictive voice is fighting to maintain the status quo.

You don't have to accept this and you deserve a lot better. It is possible to be in a relationship with someone who considers your feelings and sees you as a real, whole person. Is that possible with your AH? I don't know. Maybe. Someday? But who is right now is a drowning man fighting to hang on to a rope that is slipping through his fingers. His entire existence revolves around that fight, and it doesn't leave any room for anyone else. Whether you stay or go, do not let him drag you under the water, too.

Hugs, courage, and strength.
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:12 PM
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Oh Jarp - my thoughts are with you - how they can twist things, how they believe what they want to believe - how they say thing to hurt - they are projecting their skewed version to us. He is safeguarding his drinking..... Don't take it personally.
like others said, try Al Anon - it's for us, not them - it helps us cope with living with the insanity of our lives, it helps us rediscover who we were, it gives us back our self dignity- it teaches us to love ourselves before the alcoholic. Like Dublin says - it teaches us to regain and hold on to our power, our inner strength ...
Lots of hugs...
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:13 PM
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He pretty much sang you an opera in Quack minor. You can throw him a couple of roses for his efforts, and then go do something wonderful for yourself - YOU DESERVE IT!
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:13 PM
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Hi Jarp, I seriously doubt the psychiatrist would have said all that, without listening to your side of things! Maybe hubbie is reinterpreting to make himself feel blameless!! It sounds like there is so much unresolved stuff going on for you.... why don't you go along to the next appt with the psychiatrist? Relationships get so screwed up.. I can relate to a lot of what you feel and how horrible it is!
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:17 PM
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Yes Loopydays and Sparklekitty you are right......I found it really hard to remember his addiction is protecting itself. I have a lot of work to do.

I have an al-anon meeting this week.

And no Sparkekitty....I don't think it is possible with AH....I don't think we've ever really had that (well by that I mean I've never had that) with him. Possible in the future....I don't know....it seems so far away in terms of all the work that would need to be done first. I don't think he wants to do that work. And I cant make him obviously.
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:19 PM
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Originally Posted by MINUSERO View Post
It sounds like there is so much unresolved stuff going on for you.... why don't you go along to the next appt with the psychiatrist? Relationships get so screwed up.. I can relate to a lot of what you feel and how horrible it is!
The psych wont see me....AH wouldn't want me involved anyway (hard to maintain the lie then). I rang the psych when AH was threatening suicide and they said that at this stage they don't see family members. That its about him, what he admits to, what he reports etc.
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Old 12-02-2013, 03:24 PM
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Originally Posted by jarp View Post
There was a lot of good things the psych said, but AH reports he says/ they discovered that:
Is it remotely possible he heard what he wanted to hear, and took some license with that when he recounted the conversation to you?

I highly doubt any mental health professional would render judgment as described, much less on the basis of the first session.
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Old 12-02-2013, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by jarp View Post
And I hate myself and my own fear about being alone. I have started therapy but obviously its a process.

I am reading Co-dependent no more and am doing the exercises and thought I was learning to detach. But from my overwhelming feelings last night, my lack of sleep, and my depression today I guess Im not doing as well as I thought.
Take heart, Jarp. You are doing ok, even though it doesn't feel like it! Yes, untangling this stuff is a long, difficult process that often goes in fits and starts, rarely a nice smooth curve.

I haven't seen my xABF for over 4 months, but we still talk occasionally. I thought I could handle that, but nope. Last time we talked, I ended up sad, mad, disheartened and undone, much like you describe in your post.

I was trying to calmly describe my feelings about a possible future for us (he asked!), and when I mentioned how the last time we were together, which ended in a 2 week bender for him, pretty much killed our future for me, he said I was full of crap. My FEELINGS are CRAP. Yup, he came right out and said it.

At least he was honest, and I know where I stand.

Still working on why and how I would remotely tolerate this. I hope you keep on with your work, too. ((hugs))
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Old 12-02-2013, 04:25 PM
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jarp---alcholics lie to themselves and everyone else--that includes psychiatrists. I don't doubt that he told the psy. a tale straight out of fantasy land.

That l ittle duckie Quacked all the way to the psychiatrist's office--and all the way back home!!!!!


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Old 12-02-2013, 04:25 PM
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Have you heard this one:

Q: How do you know that an alcoholic is lying?

A: His lips move.

I guess I'm wonderin' why you believe that the doctor -- assuming, of course that he actually really did see the doctor -- said what your AH says he said???

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Old 12-02-2013, 05:32 PM
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I just want to second what everyone else has said: just because your husband says that's what the psych said does not mean that's what the psych actually said. My husband frequently twists what our marriage counselor says around to support his cause. I don't know if they really believe they heard such nonsense, or if they just think they can talk us into it believing it? Either way, it's still just nonsense. DO NOT believe him. You are not "the reason" that he drinks. He drinks because that's what alcoholics do.
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Old 12-02-2013, 05:51 PM
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How do you know the psychiatrist really said that?





][/B]
Originally Posted by jarp View Post
I am so worn out, angry and sad today.

After many years my AH finally went back to the psychiatrist he used to see but stopped seeing about 7 years (at the time we got together).

He has his first session last night and came home full of beans.

There was a lot of good things the psych said, but AH reports he says/ they discovered that:

- I AM the cause of his drinking. Apparently he is drinking to avoid coming home, because he doesn't like being with me or the kids. If he liked coming home then he wouldn't escape to the pub. This conveniently ignores the fact that a) he's been drinking alcoholically for 20 or more years, b) he drinks at the pub regardless of whether I am here or not - actually drinks more, and c) you know what buddy? sometimes after working all day I don't feel like coming home to do dinner, homework, baths, cleaning and then facing his drunk bum either....but I do it because I am a grown up.

- His drinking isn't really a problem...sure he likes a drink, sure he drinks too much, and sure he uses it as an escape. But it would be wrong to focus on the drinking as an issue because it is not the issue. I agree that there are many, many issues....but HOW on earth do you fix those issues when someone is drunk at least 5 days of the week??

- that we don't talk, and I don't listen to him. He can take the tens of thousands of hours I have wasted sitting there chewing endlessly over all his problems in life (real and imagined) and shove them somewhere 'rude'. Literally hours and hours. All his family problems, work issues, disasters with friends, everything. What a waste.

- that he needs to make a decision about our relationship. That we never decided to be together...we just happened. At which point did we not make decisions? When we decided to go ahead with our pregnancy together? Bought a house together? When he asked me to marry him?

It also makes me hurt and angry that he has caused me SO much hurt and pain which remains unexpressed whilst he gets to sit there and make unilateral decisions about MY future. never does he think for one minute that I might not wish to continue our relationship.

And not once does he think f my feelings. I am trying to be encouraging about him getting help but I did say to him that I am not inhuman and he'll have to try to find a little compassion if I have some sort of reaction to his words.

I really do hate him at the moment, its all too much.

And I hate myself and my own fear about being alone. I have started therapy but obviously its a process.

I am reading Co-dependent no more and am doing the exercises and thought I was learning to detach. But from my overwhelming feelings last night, my lack of sleep, and my depression today I guess Im not doing as well as I thought.

Sorry for the essay.....I guess I'm using this as a bit of a journal, in a safe place, where people understand and aren't going to judge me!

Any pointers...soft or hard would be so welcome.
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