Acheleus

I have been going to meetings every night but I think I am distancing myself, i really like this woman in a group, I feel like I am in love in high school or something. I have to write a paper tonight and I have no idea how to do it. I feel so stressed I am paralyzed. But I am 23 days sober and tomorrow is my last day of going to work but I have to do stuff till Friday. I hate school and i just want a regular job with little stress so I can stay sober being alone on Thanksgiving was awful. Now I will have to be alone on xmas. Nothing feels good anymore, but I will go to a meeting tonight. But the people judge me, I can feel it. Or maybe I just look like an arrogant sob.

Nonsensical

That's a lot of angst, brother. What do you do to unwind and let off some of that steam? DO you have any recreation that you enjoy?

Dee74

Ach

take a step back and look at this cycle...you've been here before.

Call people, make connections.

Maybe it's best for now though to go to other meetings until you get this crush out of your system?

D

ScottFromWI

Take a step back and relax Ach, you know the drill. You have been doing fantastic.

Keep in mind that you go to AA to get better, not to pick up women. If it's a distraction perhaps try a diffrerent meeting to get your mind off things?

Regarding your work, just do what you can as you have time. I went to grad school too and I can guarantee you that there is no such thing as a job with "little stress" that's worth having...so you are going to need to deal with it by managing it. You've been doing very well, just keep at it. It will get done.

Leana

Why not try a meeting in a different city? The woman wouldn't be there and there would be a different group, who you may feel aren't judging you.

least

No advice, just a hug.

JaylaaKent

What you feel is normal. I seriously doubt everyone judges you, but I've been guilty of running down that rat hole. People are judging me, I'm in high school (at meetings), no one likes me, etc, etc, next thing I start thinking it's OK to drink, etc.etc. Have you got a sponsor yet? If not I suggest getting one (even a temp one) and talk about how your feeling - you will feel better and get some insight. The first 90-days is hard. You're doing great. Getting a real job and out of school is no less stressful than real jobs - take it from someone newly out of grad school :P

sugarbear1

maybe it's you judging you and/or others?

most of us are at a meeting to save our own butt.....that's enough judgement for me (about me) at a meeting!

I agree, try another meeting and focus on recovery. Women will always be around....

NoJimmy

I can't offer much advice, but I will tell you the difference in my attitude and outlook changed dramatically from 23-days to the 37-days I'm now at. I've got a long way to go development wise, but I'm certainly in a far better place than I was 2-weeks ago. We're all on different schedules, but better times are ahead for all who stay the course. Hang in there!

I wouldn't worry about people judging you. Nobody in an AA meeting has room to judge anyone else. I bet this will take care of itself soon enough.

digdug

1. No one is judging you. It's in your head. It's your disease trying to get you to make excuses to isolate.

2. All of the problems of school are temporary. You will get through them no matter what because time is going to pass no matter what. You will finish your paper and turn it it. You'll probably get a good grade. And you'll enjoy your christmas break, as long as you don't isolate during that time.

3. Hang out with sober people on Christmas. You don't have to be alone. I'll be with sober people on Christmas and New Years because I don't have anyone else to spend them with. And I'm nothing but grateful and excited.

4. I know there are nice and attractive women in AA. I kind of have a crush on one right now. But I am leaving it at friends. My sobriety to me is more important. She is just a person too. A sick person, might I add, who is trying to get better the same way you are. Don't forget that. No need to put her on a pedestal and make her into something she's not. There's a reason why it's suggested not to have new relationships the first year of sobriety. Our brains just cannot handle trying to stay sober and dealing dating/relationships at the same time. Your focus is already starting to slip off your sobriety and on to her. Pull in the reins, my friend. She's just another person trying to get help. Don't get in the way of that.

5. Call your sponsor and tell him all of this. Like right now. Tell him everything you posted. Tell him about the isolation, school and the girl.

There. Your problems aren't so bad when you take a step back and look at things from a different perspective. Feelings aren't facts. Stick to the facts of the situation. Remember, how you feel tonight is not how you're going to feel tomorrow. Or the next day. Or the week after that. You were on top of the world a few days ago. Obviously every day can't be like that, but the longer you stay sober, the more awesome days you're going to have. You have 23 days. It's unrealistic to expect everything to be great all the time so early. So you keep trudging along like we all do.

Now just keep doing what you're doing. Keep going to meetings. Start or continue step work. Keep socializing with sober people and getting numbers. Keep picking up the phone and calling people. If you do these things, only good stuff will come out of it. I promise you from the bottom of my heart.

Mikie9

I like dig dug's post.... a lot. I learned from it, I hope you did too Acheleus.. from one southerner to another

Acheleus

Called my sponsor and went to a meeting. I now will rest a minute then work. What is disconcerting is I realize I have to change my whole life, I have been doing things that make me unhappy. When I go to my school I just want to get away asap, not sure why. It feels good to know I have SR and people to call when I get strange. Not really sure why I want female companionship so bad, I will have to be patient. Being so lonely does make me feel like my head is going to explode. Socializing is weird because I always felt comfortable around drunks. My tank is out of fuel though, and so I will just have to get this work done somehow. Thank you all for the good advice. Very cool post dd

Acheleus

Oh I forgot. I play music to unwind and for xmas I am buying an instrument with the money I would have wasted drinking. The music is therapeutic. Going to get going on some now. Last day to work tomorrow and feeling glad it will soon be over.

digdug

I'm not going to lie to you, I get lonely sometimes too. I even posted in my March class thread how I got lonely a couple of days ago and started browsing a dating website. But I made a promise to myself and my sponsor to concentrate on my sobriety for the first year. After years of lying and breaking promises, I am taking this one seriously.

I used to be a serial monogamist, going from relationship to relationship, just to seek validation and self-worth through having a significant other. The longest I've been single over the past 10 years before I got sober is 2 months. I was in a relationship for 5 years, another for 2, another for 1.5, etc. I now have over 8 months sober and have not been on a single date during that period. It was a hard adjustment.

So I get you on the loneliness. But here's how I think about it. Becoming sober after drinking and drugging for so many years (more than half my life) is like becoming a completely new person. I learned a lot of bad relationship behaviors over the years, including manipulation, lying and even some (unintentional) emotional abuse.

What kind of woman would really want to date and be in a relationship with someone who is still learning how to be a normal, functioning human being? How can I justify going out on a date and saying, "I did all this bad stuff, but I have 8 months sober now so I'm all fixed."

With the next relationship I get in, I want to be the best and most supportive partner I can be. I am still learning how to do this through the 12 steps of AA. Getting into a relationship now is just setting myself, and the woman I'm dating, up for disaster and a potential repeat of past behaviors.

So I deal with the loneliness by spending time with my friends, hanging out, and even talking about stuff like this. I have a friend who just got his 4 year coin. We had a long talk last week about what it's like to be in a relationship as a sober person. It's hard to feel lonely when I have people I see, call and text on a daily basis. People who will listen to my issues without judgment and support me.

That feeling like something is missing fades, the more you throw yourself into the program. So stop focusing on what may happen in the future and enjoy what you have and are building now. I think the instrument idea is great. Maybe you can even jam with some of your new friends. I write electronic music, and have come to find a few people in my AA social circle do the same thing. So we hang out and bond over it.

Mikie9

thanks digdug

nomis

Holy smokes Ach, hate to be a negative nancy, but you may want to rethink your career choice. Grad school is a walk through the rose bush compared to full-time teaching. Have you noticed how many teachers there are on this site? It is an EXTREMELY stressful job that grad school gives you only a small taste of. 70-80 hours a week, protective parents, constant deadlines and no time on the weekends to decompress.

Acheleus

Yes yes, slowly learning the hard way. I have a lot of stuff to do but I am paralyzed, I just want to rest, it feels like my brain is not working. It feels like I am falling in love with the woman I like. I caught her staring at me and I stared back but she did not look away. So much energy, I was like damn!

Going to get to work and stay up all night for the LAST time this year.

The giddy, pseudo love feeling is energizing sometimes

MythOfSisyphus

I feel for you, Acheleus. It sucks that you were alone on Thanksgiving. At least there's some time to plan for Xmas. This might sound stupid but maybe take in a couple of movies? The theaters are always open on Xmas and usually pretty busy. Again, forgive me if this is dumb but maybe you could volunteer on that day? Places like the Mission are always needing help, or maybe some other charity? Helping others might open your eyes to the blessings you have that you don't even realize.

I don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky. While I'm pretty outgoing and friendly I'm also kind of asocial. People are great in theory, and I love the idea of people. But in practice, not so much. Humans are social animals but I seem to have a relatively low requirement for face to face interaction. My job provides me with all the socialization I need/can stand. When I'm off I prefer to be left alone for the most part. My favorite pursuits and pasttimes are solitary ones.

Of course, SR is also a good community. Lots of folks here to interact with and all of them understand what you're living with, more or less.

aasharon90

Do you know where this woman is in
her recovery?

Im sure your sponsor has shared with
you the importance of not having any
kind of physical relationship in early
recovery. That being new in recovery
we have so many emotions going all
over the place so to speak and until
we have at least one yr. sobriety under
our belts, we avoid acting on those
urges that would surely get us into
trouble.

Focusing on what's right in front of
us at the moment, that is staying
sober or clean, to build a strong
recovery foundation to live upon
for yrs. to come.

Soon we begin to form healthier
relationships using those tools
and knowledge of recovery to
guide us to live a happier, honest
way of life together.

Music........

What can I say......music is a gift.
Then to be so talented to play an
instrument. What joy..!

You have been blessed with a wonderful
awesome gift that can never be taken
away. To think of you playing this holiday
for others to enjoy. Now that is giving.

I love music but wasn't giving the opportunity
to learn to play an instrument. However, my
2 wonderful kids whom are now little adults,
played the trombone and French horn thru
out their school yrs, competing, winning,
performing to us who are so proud of them.

My son so proudly stood upon the risers
in high school to conduct his class quite
a few times majored in music and now
is the Band Director in a Texas High School.

So Awesome..!!!!

I remember he and his sister played at
Christmas Time and the holidays for
different parties. Always rushing around
to fulfill their commitments.

Just think if you formed a music group
in recovery and played for many sober
events. Maybe nursing homes or hospitals
to bring joy to those ill or suffering.

Not only are you helping them, but you
are also helping urself remain sober, healthy
and happy.

Nonsensical

This was the most awesome 4-hour attitude reversal I've ever seen. From digdug's post to Acheleus' tenacity I got chills. I'm nearly 50 and it gets harder and harder to get inspired, but this was incredible. Very cool.