Wisconsin

Ugh. Full disclosure: I hate being angry. I really, really hate it. Most of the time, I feel like anger is a mask for some other, deeper feeling. Part of my recovery, though, has been to understand and acknowledge that there are times when I am just straight-up angry. That said, anger always feels like a huge waste of time to me. I mean, nobody LIKES being sad, or disappointed, or frustrated. But I feel much more capable of dealing with those feelings and working through them. I still struggle a lot with anger...it is much harder for me to process it and move past it.

And I am so dang angry right now. My AH has been home for a week. As of this minute, I do not know when he will be leaving, or where he will be going. Hopefully we will have more answers at the end of the day, after he makes a bunch of calls to various union halls to find out where the work is right now. I am angry at alcoholism, and at beer, for forcing its way into my life and robbing me of my kind, affectionate, loving husband. I am angry at myself for STILL, after over three years in recovery, getting sucked in to the negative feelings surrounding something I have absolutely no control over. I am angry at my AH for being 100% totally unwilling and/or unable to do a single thing differently.

There haven't been any huge blowups of the sort we had last summer before he left to work out of state (blowups which, in retrospect, should have resulted in me calling the police they were so bad). But the tension is there, and I am so, so tired of being marginalized in my own home and treated like a second class citizen. Things started to get nasty last night and I just refused...REFUSED...to go there. Same with this morning. But my agitation and anxiety levels are through the roof and I HATE that I am allowing myself to feel this way again. My reactions aren't nearly as over-the-top as they were a year ago, or two years ago, or three years ago. But the fact that I am so torn up inside makes me very aware that there's a lot here I haven't accepted. There is a huge part of me that knows this whole thing is over. If my AH went to rehab TODAY and apologized for every thing he has ever done to me, things still wouldn't be fixable. And yet...I am still hurt by the fact that I am so far down on his priority list. I am hurt by the fact that I do not matter enough for him to spend even 10 minutes with, after he has been away for almost 2 months, even though he has plenty of time for our son (which I do not begrudge him one bit) and for his dog. I am hurt that he came home with tons of new clothes for work (which he absolutely needed, but still), but I have still not received an anniversary gift (August) or birthday gift (September).

Everybody is so right when they say that you know you're ready to leave when it hurts more to stay than it would hurt to leave. And I am so, so tired of feeling hurt. I am so tired of being in a situation that hurts me. And the only way I can stop hurting is to leave.

Hawkeye13

Hi Wisconsin;
I wish I could come to your house right now and give you a big long hug and make a pot of coffee and just be there for you.
You sound so alone and sad.

It does sound like you've had enough.
Things will get better again. You're at the bottom of the hill looking up,
But you are strong enough to climb out of this and build something wonderful
for you and your son.

Please take care of yourself and take baby steps to get things rolling.

Hammer

Well it sure sounds like you have this part down.

Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol ~ that our lives had become unmanageable.

But that is not really any place you want to stay, is it? Sort of like trying cross a pond stepping on the backs of turtles. And where you sound like you are at is a very big snapping turtle.

But look ahead . . .

Step Two: Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

SANITY is much better place than ANGRY, no?

Just speaking for me . . . I would take Sanity about 8 days a week over Angry.

hopeful4

Wisconsin...I do truly understand. When I usto allow it in...the anger would creep in and seem to take me over. It was unbearable. I dont understand addiction and hope I never do. I am happy that I am past step 1 because I was there FOR YEARS.

Now I feel detatched and that is more sad. Sad that I am with a man I have to detatch from. Sad my kids have to see that. Sad that we will have to very likely separate because I don't want this sort of life.

Hugs....