steelman1649

In addition to the alcohol abuse....

Some of you know my story. Wife at the minimum had an emotional affair with a 20 year old temp at work(she is 30), at worst a physical one. She moved out thinking that she was going to separate from me and play things out with this child. Well she finally realized how ridiculous the idea was and what she stood to lose. She moved back in a month later. She agreed to delete all contacts and not speak to him at work again.

This week during thanksgiving I heard her phone go off late (11:30) while she was asleep. The guy listed was an unfamiliar name. 2 days later a text message came through after midnight from the same guy.

I ask her who that was and she said it was someone who works in her building. She said they are just friends and she has no idea why he would be texting her that late. Of course she went into the “ok fine I’ll delete every guy I know from my phone if that’s what you want”.

I might be crazy, but I see a difference here. Guys that you know from high school, former jobs, whatever aren’t a problem. The problem is she thinks it’s ok to meet new guys at work and give them her cell number. Of course, surprise surprise when they start calling and texting late at night. She started the affair with the kid in the exact same manner. She seems unable to separate professional work contact and personal life. The worst part is she see’s nothing wrong with it, so it will likely be a permanent behavior.

I can’t even imagine me meeting a girl at work, and giving her my phone number. It’s just not something that married people do. Enjoy your work relationships, don’t take them home with you.

I don’t think things are going to work out. She makes bad decisions for our marriage and continues to foster inappropriate relationships with men at work, oh and she's an alcoholic. I can’t trust her. I know I need to ask her to leave and file for divorce, I just am afraid to be divorced.

How do youget over the hump to actually do what you know is right?

lillamy

Like the dog on the porch that was howling every once in a while because it was sitting on a rusty nail, you move when it hurts more to sit still than to move.

In my experience, guys tend to be less quick to go to a counselor for help. But I was thinking... would it be helpful to you to get someone to help you sort through exactly what it is you fear about being divorced? Is it the having "failed" at marriage? Is it the process? Is it potentially losing half of all you own together? Is it letting go of the dreams you had for your marriage? Is it what your family will say?

I've found that when I can define what it is I'm afraid of, it often shrinks into something less scary.

I think you're right, she's not going to change.

steelman1649

It is all of the things you mentioned

Katiekate

In a healthy relationship it would not be an issue, because it would not be happening.

If she can't see it, denial, she will make it your issue, blame shifting,

because you don't trust her, why should you??

JustAGirl1971

I'm sorry, Steelman. I have nothing constructive to add, just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry You deserve better.

steelman1649

yeah, her response only made it worse in my mind. "I'll talk to him and let him know those texts are inappropriate". No your decision to give your number was inappropriate, he's responding to the access you gave him!

I guess i was hoping for her to delete his number and ask him to do the same, try and keep things professional at work

overit263

Once trust is gone, I don't know that you can really get it back. I used to worry about being divorced, but it just became too painful to keep it going. I'm not done with the divorce process yet, and it's hard. I still know that it's harder to stay with someone that lies to you.

Hammer

"Failing" with an A is actually a measure of success for you.

Just mentioning that so you can keep the math straight.

The road does not likely get much better ahead.

Katiekate

I feel for you, I went through something similar at the end, little pieces of paper with women's phone numbers on them, not sure they were planted to get a rise out of me or what. I never brought it up, just began walking away, though I didnt know it at the time.

I decided not to let go of my dignity and have a conversation about something else that he could twist into my problem.

Sending hugs

overit263

Hammer, thank you for that wisdom of failing with an A...

jacrazz

Your post resonates. I am about 5 months post breakup with my XABF. It was a toxic relationship with many issues. Aside from his addiction, the one big issue was his mistrust in me (this after I lied to him about something. I'll spare you the gory details). We have recently started talking again after months of no contact in an effort to clear the air and examine both of our behavior. I am a VERY friendly, outgoing person with tons of friends. My friendships with men, some single, some married, are very innocent. We are a nice size group of friends that commute back and forth to NYC by commuter train and we have been to each others homes for bbq's, parties, etc. He was very open about the fact that he didnt like it. He would say "I dont speak to other women simply out of respect for you. Its not appropriate". He said it is disrespectful for me to call men, married men, even if its to find out if the train was running late, or whatever. How would I like it if some random woman was calling my man? I woudn't! It wasn't until he explained it like that that I put some thought into it, and he is 100% correct. There are just certain lines that one should not cross. We both did things to hurt each other deeply and the break up left a lot of unanswered questions and Im grateful that we are able to sit down and discuss his part and my part if what went wrong. Im sorry that you are going through this.

lillamy

That's the truth there.

"Failing" in a marriage with an A means:
~ You know this is not all a marriage could, or should, be
~ You know you are worth more
~ You know that whatever you believe marriage vows to be, they are already broken by your spouse choosing a drug (let alone choosing other men) over you.

I bet others can add to that list...

hopeful4

I agree with all of the above posts. I am so sorry. Wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I think you already know the answer. We are here for you.

LifeRecovery

Steelman-

For me it was an affair that finally got me dealing with the whole mess of my relationship in a way that I could not seem to do with the alcohol (which had been there from the begining).

My own recovery about either topic, helped strengthen my recovery on both.

I am not sure if you attend, but Al-Anon helped me to deal with the affair in a way I was not anticipating (cause I thought it was only going to help me with the disease of addiction). Especially the idea of control, boundaries and detachment with love.

This is not easy stuff (any of it). Kind thoughts to you right now.

CarryOn

I'm soooo with lillamy on this...please find a counselor and start working through the issues you are dealing with so you can feel comfortable making decisions about moving forward.

When I really broke down my marriage with the help of my counselor I was able to see it for what it was and what it wasn't. Our relationship had changed over the years in ways I didn't realize, I had changed, he had changed. I had a lot of the same fears as you - I had to grieve our marriage as it was, the dreams I had for us, etc. I reached a point where I knew that I would be okay regardless of what happens to us.

We're now working on rebuilding our relationship, but it requires effort from both of us, change from both of us, and recovery work is a primary focus for both of us.

I wish you the best...get help for yourself as you are the only thing you can change.

Booo

Steelman, had my X died, I am sure he would be the reincarnation of your wife.
This was a CONSTANT pattern.
Women at work, women from the park,, women from a bar.
One of the women is now a friend of mine (for-realz-if you can believe that!
They shared a love of art and they met at a gallery opening, she had no attraction to him, but subsequently mentioned to me that he never mentioned that I even existed until the two of them were planning a group outing ! ! ! ! ! Just days later! ! !)
My X needed CONSTANT validation from women, women I knew, women I did not know. women he would meet at a restaurant while he was waiting for ME. I will never forget that.He would introduce these women he just met, as if he had ALWAYS know them. How embarssed was I when I asked one of them "so how long have you known X"
and she said she just met him 10 minutes ago
I had zero trust. zero after a few rounds of that.
Go figure.
And he saw NO reason to stop no matter my feelings.
He swore he was not cheating.
I never accused him of cheating.
I dont think he ever cheated.
But this is not normal behavour
However, what's good for the goose, right? I could make new male friends the, right?
I made a movie date with a gay male coworker about a year into the relationship and he FLIPPED his lid. Never heard the end of that!
Your wife has issues.
You would not do this, of COURSE you would not do this. Who is the world does this?
Neither would I, I did it then in reactionary mode. Not smart. Neither was I. It would never cross my mind to do it now.
I know your pain and how infuriating it is.

wysiwyg

Had nearly the exact same thing happen to me, except it was over me getting dinner & coffee with a gay coworker after we wrapped up a huge team project/presentation. Heard about that for months! But there was nothing weird about the A going to his female intern's birthday party and getting smashed with her and her friends who were all about 21-22 years old (12 years younger than he was at the time). Needless to say, this was one of the major reasons our marriage fell apart.

steelman1649

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I'm glad to know I'm not alone thinking some of this stuff is inappropriate. I know what I have to do, just so afraid to do it.

honeypig

Steelman, in answer to the above question (and several others), you replied "All of the above."

I can't address the other issues, but regarding the "failure at marriage, I will pass on 8 little words that a wise person here at SR said to me on this topic of a relationship with an A: "You haven't failed, b/c there is no succeeding."

The truth of that was like a bucket of cold water to the head for me! I hope it helps you also.

steelman1649

I am so scared I can hardly work today. I'm going to try and tell her it's over tonight.