SilentLove

It has been 3 months since my addict ex fiance has left me. I have not heard from him at all since then. After having a talk with a friend of mine a few weeks ago, I decided to contact him via text but did not go through. Earlier today, I sign on to skype and I saw his username light up immediately after. Temptation was telling me to message him to see how he's been but I couldn't deal with another rejection. I'm just curious, why would he still keep my username if he doesn't want to hear from me? if he went to the extent of blocking my number, why wouldn't he also delete me off his buddy list? I really miss him


Does anyone have the temptation to contact their ex addicts? I really miss mine and wish to hear his voice... Even if it's only for 1 sec..

jjj111

Silentlove, I know how you feel. I struggle with letting relationships go, even after the person has hurt me deeply. I dealt with this same skype issue with my AXBF. I sent him a few pretty angry messages after we split up, and he didn't respond. What I realized was that by even reaching out to him, I was re-opening the wound, even though I didn't get a reply. I finally had to delete him from my skype account. Just seeing his name on there was too upsetting. Good for you, btw, for resisting the temptation to text him!

SilentLove

It's soooo difficult to refrain! Why would they have us on there and not say a darn thing. I know my ex fiance sees me on. Yeah, I don't want to reopen the wound. If I do, it will consume me for another month or so. I don't have the strength to delete him off my list. Perhaps I still have hope that he will message me. Ah... I am so pathetic!

jjj111

Oh, I don't think you're pathetic. You're just struggling to understand how someone could hurt you the way he did. But you're right, contacting him would probably put you back to square one. For me it took time, but now I look back and wonder why I held on to a relationship with someone who caused me so much pain. I think you will feel better in time, too. Stay strong!

overit263

Trust me, it's hard enough when they do contact you eventually! Look at my post about my weekend! I completely know how you feel. It's not worth it, it opens the floodgates of disappointment and hurt.

SilentLove

oh man. that was very selfish of him to contact you like that especially when he's the one who put you in that position in the first place. i can't imagine what mine would say to hurt me. Despite the possibility of him reopening the wounds again, I still want to hear from him ..

anotherfool

Silent love,

6-8 weeks ago, I really felt the need to talk to the AXgf, I thought of everything I would say, and how it would all somehow make sense to her, and in truth, I was so excited to open the conversation. I had recently been reading way too much about addiction itself, and realized that my anticipation of the conversation, was making me giddy with expectation.

Just like an addict with their DOC.

I put it off for a few hours, but eventually broke down and sent her a message. It was all downhill from there. The conversation started off normal enough, but then quickly degraded into crazy addict-speak....nutzo self-inflicted drama, problems up the wazoo, I deflected, and she tried sexy talk as a means to keep me engaged.

In the end, just like any addict, I was addicted to her and her problems. The anticipation was so much better than the reality, and the reality was nothing more than the same old disappointment.

We treat our addicts the same way they treat their drugs. Bad for me? Yes. Do I still want to do it? Yes.

Now I am at a place where I know that my desire to speak to her, is more enjoyable than actually speaking to her, and so I abstain.

But sometimes I think I am as guilty as she.

Please hold your ground, it will be worth it.

SilentLove

Another fool,

How do you have the courage to pick up the phone and start texting?! I can't text him because he's already blocked my number but whenever I sign on to skype and see him online, I just sit there and stare at the screen waiting for a message from him. I would wonder if he's doing the same thing on the other side of the screen.... There is sooooo much I want to say to him but I don't even know how I would let it all out.

What exactly did you say to her? and how long had it been since you last talked to her before you reached out 6-8 weeks ago?

brugmansia

In the meeting I went to on Friday, the phrase "God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself" really struck me. I wish I hadn't found out about the new girlfriend, then I could still be talking to him, but then again, I would still be in relationship with someone who behaves in a non integrous manner that harms me. I have to actively think about the second thing, because I want the first scenario back, and I cant change it back.

If you had married him, and this happened then, it would be far more difficult and painful and complicated for you, no?

sending hugs and understanding your way, Silentlove.

SilentLove

to be honest, it would be more difficult but I'd rather be with him. I know it sounds like I am stupid for wanting to put up with all of the complication but that's how badly I miss and want to be with him. A ton of people on here would say to move on and find someone healthier... But it's so difficult to completely let him go.


I just wish he would contact me and let me know what's going on...

brugmansia

I totally understand. give yourself a week and see how you feel then, compare it to right now. I feel like I left many things unsaid.

SilentLove

Why didn't you say what you wanted to say?

it's been so long since I have heard from him and I thought that not hearing from him would make things easier for me and to some extent, it has. The residual emotions and questions are still driving me crazy! Grrrr

anotherfool

To be honest SL, I think we have very different opinions of our respective exes. Why do I not contact her? Because I know she believes there is some point in the future where I may be useful, and she wants to "keep me handy" in case her life turns to rubbish again. She needs another hero to save her from herself. I also suspect that she probably has several other men lined up in other places for the same purpose.

Basically, I am a tool. If I allow myself to be.

SilentLove

Has it been a pattern with her contacting you whenever she needed you? What about her family? Are they still supporting her like my ex fiance's family?

anotherfool

It's hard to explain, but when she reaches out to me, I always sense there is an immediacy to it,like she needs the connection.....right now. Because I ignore it, she forgets about me for another week or three. Then another message shows up.

I haven't responded since a message in October, when she was floating the idea that she and her BF think they should take two weeks a year to visit past lovers. In response to this, I asked her if she were also going to tell these would be lovers that she was an IV drug user with a preference for unprotected sex.....lol....that didn't go over so well. Essentially, every conversation is some ridiculous plot that could only be dreamt up by an addict with no concept of consequences. And I'm not playing along anymore.

As for her family? That would take more energy than I have to explain, it's pretty messy. I do know she's in contact with her older sister, who is a good friend of mine.

anotherfool

And I'm hijacking your thread with my own stories.....

Here's the deal, your feelings are real, and you should feel them, but in the end, it's up to you how long you want to stay on the crazy bus.

How many effed up stories do you want to accumulate? How much suffering do you want to endure?

SilentLove

I understand what you mean by hear contacting you makes you feel like she needs you immediately. Although my ex fiance has not contacted me, I know that if he did, he would take precedence over everything. I know, not very healthy but that's how attached I feel still...


Why would they need to revisit ex lovers? to make amends?

Twofish

Dear SL, I, as a mom feel your breaking heart. Your heart is broken, hanging onto a thread that this past love interest will return to save the day and everything will return to normal...if that were to happen, it would of happened already. Please, come back to today, yesterday is gone and it's a strong memory.
I have thought of previous lovers, the ones that I thought was the one, like my first love, I can still see his face, hear his voice, but it's over. We both married different people.
I contacted him a few years ago, we brought our kids together at a park and watched them play, we didn't talk much, it felt very awkward, like a stranger or another parent in the park. We parted with a hug and have never spoken again. This happens with first loves or "the one" you think is forever. Believe me the heartache will lessen over time, you will always remember him, but life will go on, on to other adventures and loves and eventually the heartache for him will lighten and be that memory I was telling you about. What to do til this happens? I don't know what to tell you. It was time, college, going out with different people, but mostly time healed my broken, damaged heart. Good luck with this lesson life throws at us. Time does heal most wounds. Take care, hugs, TF

Twofish

I hope you sleep with some peace tonight SL. You certainly must be exhausted and weary. Sleep and have some happiness in your dreams. Wake in the morning and work on that beautiful thing called sobriety. Hugs, TF

SilentLove

Thank you TF. I just woke up from a dream of his uncle chasing me with a machete. kind of scared the heck out of me! makes me miss him even more for some odd reason. Wish he would let me know how he's doing and if he still thinks of me. Detaching from someone you love is the hardest thing I have ever had to do...