Thankful for Step 1
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thankful for Step 1
I read a lot of posts about "helping"....should I tell him I'm worried? Should I suggest rehab? What should my expectations be? I have to help with things like bills because it helps me (no argument it helps both spouses but he doesn't need the help). He asked me to take him to AA the first time. Should I drive him? He asked me to attend meetings with him. He asked me for a ride to the hospital. He called to talk and ask for help on how to get help. He's trying, he really is. How do I know if I'm helping or being codependent? (answer to the last one is if you had to ask the question...). What will happen when I leave? Where will he go? What if they can't pay the bills and that affects my credit? How can I make the transition work? What can I do to make it work? I'm doing it to help my kids, they can't see their parent this way.
All of the he's above could be she's of course.
I type all that because that thinking (other than the kids one) kept me stuck for a long time. The bottom line is the above is all about step 1 - the ONLY step I did intensely in Alanon (I'm not super pro Alanon so that's big coming from me - I'm more of a therapy-recovery person). But without Step 1 I would never have gotten to where I am today. STEP 1: I was and am powerless over alcohol but it's so much more than that. I'm powerless over the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. I'm powerless over the alcoholic's bills surrounding the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. I'm powerless over the alcoholic's family and job surrounding the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. I'm powerless over the people and circumstances surrounding the alcoholic's family and job surrounding the alcoholics bills and life surrounding the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. You get the idea - the circle gets larger and larger...all of those questions I put above are things I couldn't control and was powerless over. And realizing Step 1 was just this intense feeling of relief - letting it go, literally a feeling of freedom swept over me....I had heard it in a meeting but I was complaining in a therapy session about some of those things I mentioned above (like what if he doesn't pay bills after I leave?) and my therapist said: wait, isn't that what you were saying about step 1? isn't that it? And that's when it hit me - IT WAS...and the feeling was what gave me the courage to leave...but it ended up being so much more than that...it was my first step in moving forward.
AND by attempting to control those things I listed I was NOT only harming myself (resentments resentments resentments) I WAS harming the alcoholic. Here's how it played out for me - once I left my XAH started paying his bills on his own (you know those ones I thought he couldn't handle). He's paid his rent he's gone to work...and he's continued to drink. He's cleaned his house. He's gotten a DUI. He WENT TO AA - something I never thought he would do ON HIS OWN. When I was still trying to manage it we would discuss it and he would say "oh I need you to drive or go with me" - well no he didn't, he just needed me to NOT decide FOR him. He WAS capable of making his own decisions - when I was making them or trying to influence them I was not only making myself resentful I was holding him back. He went to two rehabs while I still lived there - through MY manipulations and encouragement...they didn't work. Now ON HIS OWN he's looking into a third rehab - he did not need me to take care of him- he always was capable of taking care of himself. The bottom line is when I was trying to "help" him or the things surrounding him (bills, family, friends, image etc) I was actually keeping him from being accountable and doing what he was capable of...making his own decisions and path. I needed to do me and he needed to do him.
No, I'm not getting back with him even if this third rehab works (and he's a severe progressed A so it may not work even if he really goes), but we do talk and I'm glad to see him making his own choices and decisions and that would not have been possible if I had continued assisting...thank you Step 1. Thank you for letting me live my life and he his...whatever those may be.
I thought of this as I was thinking of what I was thankful for this holiday - I'm a big old scrooge so normally I don't bother with it but I did this year. And this year I'm thankful I was able to let go and let my XAH have the dignity of making his own decisions and living his own life (which he has always been capable of). Doing that let me start my life as well.
All of the he's above could be she's of course.
I type all that because that thinking (other than the kids one) kept me stuck for a long time. The bottom line is the above is all about step 1 - the ONLY step I did intensely in Alanon (I'm not super pro Alanon so that's big coming from me - I'm more of a therapy-recovery person). But without Step 1 I would never have gotten to where I am today. STEP 1: I was and am powerless over alcohol but it's so much more than that. I'm powerless over the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. I'm powerless over the alcoholic's bills surrounding the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. I'm powerless over the alcoholic's family and job surrounding the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. I'm powerless over the people and circumstances surrounding the alcoholic's family and job surrounding the alcoholics bills and life surrounding the alcoholic surrounding the alcohol. You get the idea - the circle gets larger and larger...all of those questions I put above are things I couldn't control and was powerless over. And realizing Step 1 was just this intense feeling of relief - letting it go, literally a feeling of freedom swept over me....I had heard it in a meeting but I was complaining in a therapy session about some of those things I mentioned above (like what if he doesn't pay bills after I leave?) and my therapist said: wait, isn't that what you were saying about step 1? isn't that it? And that's when it hit me - IT WAS...and the feeling was what gave me the courage to leave...but it ended up being so much more than that...it was my first step in moving forward.
AND by attempting to control those things I listed I was NOT only harming myself (resentments resentments resentments) I WAS harming the alcoholic. Here's how it played out for me - once I left my XAH started paying his bills on his own (you know those ones I thought he couldn't handle). He's paid his rent he's gone to work...and he's continued to drink. He's cleaned his house. He's gotten a DUI. He WENT TO AA - something I never thought he would do ON HIS OWN. When I was still trying to manage it we would discuss it and he would say "oh I need you to drive or go with me" - well no he didn't, he just needed me to NOT decide FOR him. He WAS capable of making his own decisions - when I was making them or trying to influence them I was not only making myself resentful I was holding him back. He went to two rehabs while I still lived there - through MY manipulations and encouragement...they didn't work. Now ON HIS OWN he's looking into a third rehab - he did not need me to take care of him- he always was capable of taking care of himself. The bottom line is when I was trying to "help" him or the things surrounding him (bills, family, friends, image etc) I was actually keeping him from being accountable and doing what he was capable of...making his own decisions and path. I needed to do me and he needed to do him.
No, I'm not getting back with him even if this third rehab works (and he's a severe progressed A so it may not work even if he really goes), but we do talk and I'm glad to see him making his own choices and decisions and that would not have been possible if I had continued assisting...thank you Step 1. Thank you for letting me live my life and he his...whatever those may be.
I thought of this as I was thinking of what I was thankful for this holiday - I'm a big old scrooge so normally I don't bother with it but I did this year. And this year I'm thankful I was able to let go and let my XAH have the dignity of making his own decisions and living his own life (which he has always been capable of). Doing that let me start my life as well.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Thanks DesertEyes!
Ironically Thanksgiving is both the anniversary of my codie bottom (back in 2010) and of my step 1 epiphany described above (last year)....and also ironically both events (the horrible bottom which was very ugly on my part and the relief of getting step 1 which was a happy time) were key turning points in my recovery.
Ironically Thanksgiving is both the anniversary of my codie bottom (back in 2010) and of my step 1 epiphany described above (last year)....and also ironically both events (the horrible bottom which was very ugly on my part and the relief of getting step 1 which was a happy time) were key turning points in my recovery.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Aeryn,
I also thank you for posting that as time has revealed that the best thing I ever did for my XA was cut the apron strings and parachute cord and let him fall to earth to find his own way out of alcoholism.
5 years ago I would have argued until I was blue in the face that he would surely die if left to fend for himself as he is as bad an alcoholic as I ever seen and I have seen untold thousands in my line of work in the criminal justice system!
He bumbled around, careened around the country drunk and out of his mind for two years but the day came he decided he was done with alcohol and he quit.... just like that. The previous 20 times or so he quit it was in hospitals or detox units at rehabs as he usually has intense side effects including seizures. Always before he would take months for his brain synapses to reconnect and him to come out of his alcoholic fog.
But this last time he was working within weeks and he attributed to God... he had experienced a psychic change and a miracle. That's his explanation for his getting sober for the very first time on his own without a judge, ambulance ride or me forcing recovery.
Just today I had a phone conversation with him about his experience and he believes that all of the counseling, rehabs, AA, sponsors, 12 steps were in his brain file cabinets and when the time came he applied the recovery principles he already knew but never practiced seriously.
The man never could hold a job and now he is a dedicated self employed worker and has been paying people back for the first time in 15 years. It's a pure miracle and clearly shows that for many they MUST do it themselves or it often doesn't stick.
In my XA's case it looks very promising for him but I know that tomorrow he could see a beer sign flash just right and he might veer in and pick up a six pack and the entire nightmare will start up again.
For that reason I would never take that chance and I love him awful. For the first time he gets that and truly has genuine remorse for the years of misery he heaped on everyone.
So sad... so hopeful yet so sad. What an awful disease. But there is hope... a lot of hope and the realization that we are powerless and our only responsibility is to turn them over to their HP who does have the power! The detachment and peace I found in trusting that God was ultimately in control of the universe and my XA made it so much easier.
And had he died I think I would have been OK too in time... I had made peace that I was truly, truly powerless and he had to save himself!
This is the key that sets you free when you love an alcoholic... at least it was for me.
I also thank you for posting that as time has revealed that the best thing I ever did for my XA was cut the apron strings and parachute cord and let him fall to earth to find his own way out of alcoholism.
5 years ago I would have argued until I was blue in the face that he would surely die if left to fend for himself as he is as bad an alcoholic as I ever seen and I have seen untold thousands in my line of work in the criminal justice system!
He bumbled around, careened around the country drunk and out of his mind for two years but the day came he decided he was done with alcohol and he quit.... just like that. The previous 20 times or so he quit it was in hospitals or detox units at rehabs as he usually has intense side effects including seizures. Always before he would take months for his brain synapses to reconnect and him to come out of his alcoholic fog.
But this last time he was working within weeks and he attributed to God... he had experienced a psychic change and a miracle. That's his explanation for his getting sober for the very first time on his own without a judge, ambulance ride or me forcing recovery.
Just today I had a phone conversation with him about his experience and he believes that all of the counseling, rehabs, AA, sponsors, 12 steps were in his brain file cabinets and when the time came he applied the recovery principles he already knew but never practiced seriously.
The man never could hold a job and now he is a dedicated self employed worker and has been paying people back for the first time in 15 years. It's a pure miracle and clearly shows that for many they MUST do it themselves or it often doesn't stick.
In my XA's case it looks very promising for him but I know that tomorrow he could see a beer sign flash just right and he might veer in and pick up a six pack and the entire nightmare will start up again.
For that reason I would never take that chance and I love him awful. For the first time he gets that and truly has genuine remorse for the years of misery he heaped on everyone.
So sad... so hopeful yet so sad. What an awful disease. But there is hope... a lot of hope and the realization that we are powerless and our only responsibility is to turn them over to their HP who does have the power! The detachment and peace I found in trusting that God was ultimately in control of the universe and my XA made it so much easier.
And had he died I think I would have been OK too in time... I had made peace that I was truly, truly powerless and he had to save himself!
This is the key that sets you free when you love an alcoholic... at least it was for me.
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