SoberSupporter

Just had the revelation that my boyfriend of five years (and recently engaged to him) has been taking prescription pills almost every day for the past year or so. I found out he abused these drugs a couple of years back and I naively thought it was a problem of the past.
Once I caught on and he fessed up, he now says he's been wanting help, but didn't know how to ask. I am angry and upset that he has lied to me and caused so many problems with our relationship over the past year because of this, so I currently kicked him out and won't see him until he enters a drug rehab program. He wants to stay with me and seems willing to work, but I've been fooled before.
My question is, what can I rightfully expect and demand of him if/when I let him come back home? I have come up with a list of expectations I want him to agree to, but I'm wondering am I being too harsh or just right?

Here are some, and I would really appreciate any advice/comments on this list:
*Enter a medically monitored drug rehab program.
*Attend counselling, both with and without me.
*Continue a long term-several years- of maintenance therapy.
*Do not hang out with any friends who use any kind of drug (this will be hard, because he doesn't have any friends who DON'T use drugs).
*Allow me to randomly drug test you whenever I want.
*Allow me to check your phone and computer whenever I want (that's how I found out about it this time).
*Talk to me whenever you get cravings for the pills or want to relapse.
*Never lie to me about anything, big or small, ever again.

And I know people will say I sound like I'm his mother. I feel the same way, but I have the overwhelming need to not be played as a fool again.

anotherfool

I would skip the last four conditions. Every one of them sets you up for disappointment.

Lily1918

I would never have any expectations of an addict at all. ever. let go or be dragged girlfriend.

Ann

He is incapable of keeping promises to himself, let alone anyone else. That's how powerful addiction is.

Perhaps leave space between you and let his actions tell you what you need to know...over a long period of time.

Good luck, this isn't something that will end overnight.

Hugs

zoso77

What can you expect from him? Nothing.

What you did -- throw him out -- took a lot of guts and was, in my view, the appropriate thing to do. Whenever you have expectations of a sick person, you're going to be disappointed. As Ann noted, he's incapable of keeping promises to himself, so why would he keep his promises to you?

Learn as much as you can here by reading the posts and PM'ing with members. Knowledge will help you make the best decisions you can going forward.

Hang in there.

ZoSo

BlueChair

What can you expect /demand if you let him come home? I have been working on questions like these myself. We have been doing most of the things on your list: he entered a medically monitored drug rehab based on psychotherapy, doing individual and joint counseling or as his rehab called it family counseling. Its been the best because its helped us both understand what each of us is going through and feeling and I feel like things are very open because of it. My husband was in in-patient rehab for over 3 months, and then did a month of outpatient through the rehab, and now he is going to keep doing counseling like you said for long term (but we dont have an agreement about it being a year or two or anything like that). Staying away from using friends would be important thing but he may think their use wont bother him. Even if he has friends who are working on recovery this could trigger him especially if they started using again. My husbands used drugs many years ago, this was a relapse for him and it was brought on by his being in a weakened emotional state and this old friend coming around who still uses and offered him drugs. That was all it took for him to pick back up. Rehabs and outpatients or counselors will/can test for drugs and you wont have to do that part. It would make me feel uncomfortable and I think in our case I would know before long if he started using again because of the way he acts. Its ok to test him if you both agree on it being a condition. I dont think my husband would have a problem with my looking at his phone or computer but its not something I have been doing. He has been trying to be an open book for me also the counselor suggested it to help rebuild trust between us. We talk a lot, he has told me about cravings but the thing is if drug use becomes part of your life (like you said your fiance has been using everyday for over a year) then he will miss the drugs everyday for a long time there will be random thoughts and urges especially whenever he might get stressed or something. I think you can count on that without his telling you but know it may get worse at certain times. The other thing Ive learned is there were signs leading up to my husbands relapse but he didnt even recognize them, he didnt plan his relapse. Counseling has been helping him recognize the things that happen before a relapse so he can make changes to prevent one from happening. He is supposed to talk to me about all those feelings as part of his plan and I sort of think it is mostly about our keeping in tune with each other.

Sorry this is not written out the best, your question struck me because I wish in some ways my husband would do more outpatient work but he feels he has had enough of it and Im torn about it but by talking I understand his side and have to respect it because I feel like he does want to stop using and he is the best judge of what he needs, but at the same time it is scary because I had this feeling he was safe going to outpatient everyday, but Im seeing its more my issue of fear and I shouldnt project that on him.

AnvilheadII

he's had a drug problem for quite a while now....it's not new, only new to you. that he was using daily for the past year, at least, and you were unaware says a lot.....not only is he good at keeping secrets, but you didn't recognize or notice anything different about him, his actions or behaviors. there's a lot about him that you don't know......

now the cat is out of the bag and you did the right thing, gave him the boot. but now you have this huge list of expectations and demands and he hasn't even checked in to treatment yet. 30 days or so of rehab won't fix him. it will barely give him time to clear his head abit. the desire and cravings to use will not evaporate. since he is already OUT, why not let him stay OUT and let him work this out on his own, as HE sees fit. then you can decide if he's still someone you want in your life.

you can't prevent someone from lying to you.
you can't prevent someone from using.
you can't prevent someone from hanging with whomever they choose.
you can't make someone adhere to all your rules.
you can't control this.

i'd say a good rule is if I think I need to DRUG TEST someone, they certainly do not get to LIVE with me. if I can't trust a thing they say or have any confidence in what they do when not in my direct line of sight, why would I WANT to live under the same roof? monitoring what he says, what he does, who he sees and where he goes sounds EXHAUSTING.

BoxinRotz

I'd rather have another baby. At least I'd get to name it.

SoberSupporter

Thanks for all your advice and opinions. I realize I am a micro-manager to the extreme and if I could be attached to the hip of my boyfriend, he'd be okay. But I can't. I feel like future-me is going to look back and say, "that was your chance to get out! That was your chance to call off the wedding, before kids, before you got dragged down!" I've looked back and thought that many times in this relationship. The truth is, I love him. Probably more than myself, even though I tell him I don't. I don't think I can ever leave him, so I must hope and pray that he loves me the same and will end this addiction once an for all. Tomorrow can't get here fast enough; I want the program started and therapy started and I want to be able to come back on here one day and say it is possible.

hopeful4

I will say a couple of things here. I would not let him come back for a VERY long time. I think he should have to prove to himself and you in the long run (I am talking a year plus of sobriety) that he can do this. Living with an addict is exhausting and depressing. You said yourself you are a micro manager. I suggest you go to naranon or some sort of therapy that will help you manage codependency. This will be his recovery. He will work that recovery or will not. It cannot be because you made him some rules. That never works in the long run. He has broken your trust, he actions are the only thing you should look at (after treatment) and ignore the words completely. Listen to your head, not your heart as he will pull at all of your heartstrings, guaranteed.

I say this not out of unkindness but because one of the things you said struck me. He needs to tell YOU if HE is thinking about using again. The thing is (and I have learned this the hard way) you cannot be his sponsor. That is why they have sponsors/therapists. If you try to be that person for him you will drive yourself crazy. I though I could do that for my AH. I have come to realize, it only festers my codependency in ways I cannot describe. He has to learn to take control of his recovery if that is what he wants in life. You have to face that and take control of how you react. You cannot control his actions but you can control your own reactions and boundaries you choose to set.

It is so hard. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep posting, you are not alone. We are here to help you every step of the way. Please make sure you are getting face to face help for YOU and dealing with all you are feeling.

Hugs

mfanch

I would seek recovery in nar-anon or al-anon. Focus on you and your side of the street.

Glad you are here.

Hammer

Yep. THE PEE TEST.

Mrs. Hammer's AA Sponsor Pee-Tested her husband before he could drive their kid around. She was sort of bragging about it.

My (Alanon) Jaw Dropped to the Floor when she told me that. That was how she wanted me to treat Mrs. Hammer -- at the same time accusing me of "controlling" her.

I quickly concluded they were both crazier than I was sane and backed the F out of that mess.

Let the A(s) deal with the A(s), the crazy deal with the crazy.

As for me and our kids, I will choose Sanity and Serenity.

atalose

I would strongly suggest you gain more knowledge of addiction and codependency because you seem very confused about it.

Believe me if LOVE were the answer to addiction – none of us would be here today and there would be no such thing as addiction.

You realize you are a micro-manger extreme = codependency

You think that if he could be attached to your hip he’d be ok = codependency, controlling behavior and arrogance.

Asking him to prove his love for you by beating this addiction thing = codependency and some un-real expectations. He can’t get sober for YOU he has to want to get sober for HIMSELF - again = codependency

Addiction is a life long battle not some little thing that he is just going to get over.

I lived up in Fairtale land too for a long time, thought my love and my situation was unique and no one one here really understood it or him or me.

Ground yourself in facts and reality not fantasy, because life with an addict is anything but a fantasy.

SoberSupporter

What do I do, then? I'm getting so frustrated. What do I do? I've received a whole bunch of "no ways" and "not gonna works." Well, what works? I sit back and watch him run his course? I leave and never look back?

anotherfool

Maybe the best thing you can do, is read around some more. These boards are littered with people who have tried what you're thinking about, why not see how it worked for them?

lizwig

Yes, you wait, and you listen and you watch to see if his actions match his words. Consistently over time. You watch to see if he is as committed to his own recovery as you are to the idea of it. And you participate in life regardless...and you insure that if you decide to end it for good you are in a position to be able to do so. You can love someone while protecting yourself. after 6 years of trying to help and support my son through his addiction I've come to realize words are just that. Actions are where it's at. Unfortunately I always wanted it for him more than he did. Al-anon or nar-anon are great suggestions. I did not want to admit I was powerless...but I am. Al-anon has helped me establish healthy boundaries and I am now able to recognize when I'm feeling compelled to do something for my son that he is capable of doing for himself. It's about healthy, loving detachment. You (and me) need to find ways of achieving personal serenity and balance whether or not our addicts are still using or not. As others have said...this is a lifetime commitment...recovery takes diligence and focus and many of the loved ones on this site recognize it HAS to come first...before anything else. I wish you strength and hope as you navigate this new landscape.

BoxinRotz

You did not cause it.
You can not cure it.
You can not control it.

You can drive yourself crazy if you want though. It'll also p*ss him off. You two can make each other miserable and profess your love for each other at the same time.

Let go or be dragged. You will never, ever make him better. Only he will do that. Once you find truth in that, your life will be so much better. You can not love him into getting clean. If you can't handle watching him continue to use, well... you'll have to make your exit plan. If he shows progress without you tripping him up, all the better. He's got his side of the street and you got yours. Stay in your lane.

zoso77

I can't tell you what to do regarding your relationship. It's not my place. What I can tell you about is my experience, and what I learned is addiction is an incredibly selfish, self absorbed state of being. While your ABF is in active addiction, the only thing that matters to him is getting high. Not you, not your relationship. not the well being of others who love and care about him OR his own well being. Getting high is priority Number One, Two, Three and so on.

And you can't change this. The only thing you can do is protect yourself, and by booting his arse out, you took a step that many of us here (including myself) were too afraid to take. You threw the hammer down and said no! That takes strength and courage, and you're to be commended for that.

Right now, your eyes and your mind need to be open, and you need to be aware that addiction is a beast that isn't easily slayed. More often than not, it isn't slayed. But the few who have slayed it have done some remarkable work to reclaim their lives and their sanity. Some of them are on the board. Seek out their stories, and seek out the stories of those who have dealt with someone else's addiction and have come out the other side in one piece.

When you've absorbed enough knowledge is when it will be time for you to make a very difficult decision. And when you make it, you have to make it based on what you know to be true and not what your heart tells you. It's not going to be easy. Then again, life isn't easy. There is life after dealing with someone else's addiction. The first question you have to ask yourself is if you're open to that.

Be strong, be smart. We're here for you.

ZoSo

HealingWillCome

Hi, SoberSupporter. Maybe you have read this sticky already, but if not I recommend it:

A doctor's advice about addicts and loved ones
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oved-ones.html

Decisions you make about this relationship will affect you--profoundly--for the rest of your life.

I'm glad you're here to help you sort your way through it. You'll find amazing support here among some of the wisest people I've ever met. I wish you the very best.

incitingsilence

What works…

Tends to depend on the desired outcome.

So if you are looking for a chance for you, for some of them endless possibilities for you, then what works is maybe to take that list and flip it to…

I will get myself into a program for me.
I will attend counseling to find out why I am as I am. (because, and yes there is a good reason, all of my reactions to him are because of who I am not because of him.)
I will continue long term and understand that as I learn, it will bring about more learn and self realization.
I will not hang out with those who bring me down, who don’t have the same moral standards as I do and fill my life with chaos.
I will monitor my own behavior. (the four agreements is a good read for this, easy to search for on the net and most likely on this site as well)
I will seek out others likeme, preferably not hand holders, but ass kickers who will not allow me to BS myself, and speak openly about my triggers and find workable solutions so I don’t relapse back into codependent madness.
I will not lie to myself. (Because he can tell all the lies he wishes, and I can buy em easy as pie … but it will always be the lies I tell myself that will be my demise.)

You can also add a list of what I will not do’s…
Such as I will not make excuses for him, will not blame the drugs as any reason why he is as he is. I will not rescue, cushion or interfere with the natural progression of his disease. I have enough to worry about with myself, and frankly taking the learning away will just keep him sick.
I will not contribute to his disease. I will not allow anyone I remotely care about to die on my dime.
I will not pay for, bail out and or jail, depending on mood.
I will not take this personal, because it isn’t And I will not allow myself to be blamed for any actions that aren’t mine, but I will take full responsibility for my part in the madness.


I am sorry no one here can guarantee that either of you will make it out this, alive, intact…But if you want hope, know it resides within you, for you. Know that you deserve every minute of time you give to yourself and are worth a most wonderful life.

And yes he is too, but he has to be the one to find that within himself. Sadly we can’t ever show another their self worth by lecturing, or begging, or bargaining, or controlling, or drug testing or snooping….But we can give them their dignity, allow them to live as they see fit and to find their own way. See him as capable because he is.

Take good care of you.