Suekie

Hello.

I am on day 12.

Initially, I decided after a few days that I was going to do this on my own. With help from a supportive family and SR and a strong sense of will power, I believed I could conquer this. I have been struggling a lot lately and had my husband not stopped me, I may have taken pain pills yesterday.

I think I may need AA but I just don't know. I'm terrified.

1. I don't want to run into anyone I know. I have lived in (and work in) the same city all of my 36 years. I run into someone everywhere I go, whether it be the grocery store, nail salon or post office. I suppose I could go a city over but that would be even more out of my comfort zone.

2. I don't do well with strangers. I have major trust issues and I don't like talking to people I don't know, especially about myself, especially about private matters.

3. I'm wondering if subconsciously I'm terrified because if I go I am admitting to the world I have a problem. The only people that I have told about my decision to stop drinking are my husband and my mom. I don't want anyone else to know because that means I have a problem and I'm not in control of my own life. That's embarrassing.

4. I don't want people to judge me.

5 I don't want to feel like I'm in H.S. again and I walk into a room full of cliques and people that know each other and feel like the odd person out. I have heard that AA can be very cliquey.

6. It's just so beyond my comfort zone for all of these reasons and probably more I haven't thought about yet.

I feel I need something like AA though. I am scared of relapse and I'm almost feeling like it's just a matter of time. I don't like that. I want to be sober. I need to be sober.

What the heck is wrong with me?!

CactusJill

I am totally with you. I have to start on Monday, as soon as my son's preschool starts again, and it scares me. Here is my response (and hopefully writing it will help me too):

1. You probably will. I know I have. But you know what, we are all there for the same reason. Seek out a closed meeting if you are afraid on onlookers or family members in attendance. Closed meetings are for alcoholics only. That is what I do.

2. Me too on the stranger thing. You don't have to speak though, so give it time. SPeak when you feel comfortable doing so. Soon enough starngers become acquaintances, and acquaintances become friends.

3. Yes, we all fear admitting a problem. For many of us, step 1 is the hardest step because no one likes to admit that they are powerless over alcohol.

4. No one is judging. Even the worst story you have about your drinking days can be matched or topped by most everyone in AA.

5. It may seem cliquey at first but in reality AA people tend to be very nice and open.

6. Give it a try and be gentle with yourself. An oldtimer once told me to do at least 6 meetings at a specific time or place before I made a judgement.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you!

Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Tabbj

When I went to an AA meeting I was scared to death that people would find out, guess what there were a few in the rooms that I knew outside of meetings that I did not even know was in recovery. you might be surprised when you go to a meeting. I have made wonderful friends in the rooms that have helped me greatly. one who is a lawyer who throws a great New Years Eve party yes you heard me. everyone is sober and laughing playing pool and waiting for the clock to strike 12. go to a meeting and you might just be surprised

advbike

Even though I personally don't use the AA program now, I have been to many meetings and have never found the people there to be anything less than warm and welcoming. It's not like high school (I hated high school). If you need it there is no better support mechanism, so I suggest you at least give it a try.

MIRecovery

1 Go to a closed meeting. Only people that have a problem with alcohol are at closed meetings. If you meet someone you know they have exactly the same problem as you do. The wonderful thing about AA is that all the people in the room can relate to you and you can relate to them regardless if you know them or not. You are saying that you don't want to go because you might know someone and you're also saying that you don't want to go because you don't know anyone

2 You do not have to say a word. Yoi not even have to say that you're an alcoholic. I would say that this is your first meeting

3 Could be. Even in your post you did not say that you are alcoholic

4 You will not be judged. What you will get is acceptance and understanding. Nobody got to AA on a winning streak

5 AAers are the nicest most understanding kindest forgiving friendly people I've ever met

6 Alcohol will come up with a million reasons why you shouldn't go because the last place alcohol want you to be is in an AA meeting

AA saved my life and taught me how to have a wonderful fulfilling life without alcohol

Johnston

You should be fine. The people there are understanding and welcoming.

newme2day

Suekie i am in the same boat. I found an aa meeting in our very small town and i am worried about who i will run into. I have told noone . . .not even my hubby that i made a decision to quit drinking. I believe there are two reasons for that. . .one, i want to show him i can quit not just talk about it. Second, if i dont tell . . .maybe i can drink again . . . I know . . . terrible right? I do belive we need others in our lives who understand the disease and can help us through it. I am going to try to work up enough willpower to attend a meeting. Again i dont think i will tell anyone. That will take time.

endlesspatience

When I was drinking, I actually liked it when there was a pub full of strangers. But it would have been even better if it was full of nice friends who really cared about me. Cared about me enough to help me stop killing myself with booze.

Anna

Please know that there are many ways to stop drinking. If AA is not for you, there are many of us here who have stopped drinking without AA. I firmly believe that motivation is the most important thing, rather than the program itself.

And, no one here will judge you. We all understand how hard this is.

jazzfish

The thing that scared me about AA was that I hate to make commitments. When it comes to drinking I like to keep my options open. I wanted the negative consequences of drinking to end, but I also wanted to be a normal drinker. As long as I kept my drinking problem to myself - my own little secret, then I was always free to go back to drinking if by some miracle I was blessed with a good enough reason (which I always was).

Suekie

Thanks for all of your responses. They really help.

There is a meeting tonight at 8PM at my old elementary school that I haven't set foot in since the mid-eighties. It's not a school anymore, but the church remains. I think I may go. At least there is a little bit of familiarity and nostalgia there for me.

I really want a chip too haha. Can someone tell me more about them? Even though I've been sober 12 days, would I get a chip?

jazzfish

Sure, you can pick up a desire chip which is for wanting to stay sober for 24 hours. I got mine yesterday! It's my new best friend. It let's people know you are new to the program.

Suekie

Thanks! What is the next chip, a month? Does that go off of my sober date or my first meeting date?

MIRecovery

Many people that go to AA feel at home for the first time in their lives.

I started counting on my first day sober for chips. I carry my 4 year coin with me at all times

Just go. You will be very happy you did

least

it dates from your sober date. And I believe they do chips in months until you hit a year, then it goes in years.

Suekie

Thank you all.

I am very seriously considering going. I don't know if it will be tonight.. but I am hoping so.

tangningsheng

Change is always scary as well as Doing new things. If you need the extra support which most of us do make the leap and give it a go. By not drinking you are doing new things already why not give it a try.

malcolmsloan

I've been having similar thoughts, Sukie. Thanks for posting.

SoberForMySon

Go!!! I love it. I go to multiple meetings every day now. Been going a month and it's my other home. I'm alone for the weekend and people keep texting me to make sure I'm okay. It's amazing.

PurpleKnight

I am on Day 15, and I haven't been to an AA meeting, probably for all the reasons listed by others, but SR is a great community and every day I've logged in, having a place that more than anything else understands has been vital.

I guess everyone needs to find their own path, there are many options and AA is one of them.

Thankyou though to all you guys on SR!!