post night 10 reflections
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: against the grain
Posts: 746
post night 10 reflections
I just finished night 10, and I've got some thoughts/feelings I need to get off my chest. Disclaimer: I'm just going to write this out, so it might be a bit jumbled and incoherent.
In my mind, I keep coming back to this sentence: I am a 42 year old man who has been struggling with alcohol since I was 12. That makes me want to frickin cry. But the thing is, if we met on the street and started talking, there would be no indication. I was a college-level athlete, have 2 degrees, work at a university and community college, have 2 great kids, and a wife I love very much--but this is the surface.
As this narrative of my life was unfolding I was exhibiting frighteningly addictive behavior. Here is the horrifying sub-narrative to my life (hate revealing this): In 7th grade, worried that I would become alcoholic, I started putting notches in my dresser for each time I drank. I still have that dresser and I just went and counted the notches: 18 (for the 7th grade school year only). I came home drunk on my 13th birthday. I did so many stupid things while drunk in high school. after high school, I once broke into a liquor store. I woke up in the drunk tank, not knowing how I got there. I woke up not knowing how I got home, only to be called by a friend to ask if I was okay--I had taken my car out. I could go on. I got sober for a year and a half and eventually fell right back. As I got older, the wildness subsided, but I continued drinking, irresponsibility taking new forms. Now I am here and feeling incredibly guilty about what has been behind the curtain, hidden to most. I can't dwell on the past, I know, but man as I start to clear up, I see a very troubled person below the public me. Why didn't I read the signs early on? Why did I not take this seriously? Why did I not see?
Blah! I just needed to get that off my chest. I am being haunted by that sentence. I need to revise it. Any suggestions? I want to live without regret of the past. I have to let this go, right?
But I don't want to forget, there's the rub, the paradox.
In my mind, I keep coming back to this sentence: I am a 42 year old man who has been struggling with alcohol since I was 12. That makes me want to frickin cry. But the thing is, if we met on the street and started talking, there would be no indication. I was a college-level athlete, have 2 degrees, work at a university and community college, have 2 great kids, and a wife I love very much--but this is the surface.
As this narrative of my life was unfolding I was exhibiting frighteningly addictive behavior. Here is the horrifying sub-narrative to my life (hate revealing this): In 7th grade, worried that I would become alcoholic, I started putting notches in my dresser for each time I drank. I still have that dresser and I just went and counted the notches: 18 (for the 7th grade school year only). I came home drunk on my 13th birthday. I did so many stupid things while drunk in high school. after high school, I once broke into a liquor store. I woke up in the drunk tank, not knowing how I got there. I woke up not knowing how I got home, only to be called by a friend to ask if I was okay--I had taken my car out. I could go on. I got sober for a year and a half and eventually fell right back. As I got older, the wildness subsided, but I continued drinking, irresponsibility taking new forms. Now I am here and feeling incredibly guilty about what has been behind the curtain, hidden to most. I can't dwell on the past, I know, but man as I start to clear up, I see a very troubled person below the public me. Why didn't I read the signs early on? Why did I not take this seriously? Why did I not see?
Blah! I just needed to get that off my chest. I am being haunted by that sentence. I need to revise it. Any suggestions? I want to live without regret of the past. I have to let this go, right?
But I don't want to forget, there's the rub, the paradox.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Allentown, PA
Posts: 51
i know how you feel about the paradox, how sick i was when i gave it up, i never want to feel like that again, therefore i have to remember that exact feeling, especially because of feeling better and better all the time. But..there has to be a line where its not always on my mind and i dont dwell on it. not good advice just wanted to let you know i was feeling the same way, but what i do know is we can not change the past no matter what we do, we have to live with it and deal the best we can... forgive yourself and move forward.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 223
well done on 10 days! the thing that struck me about this is you were a child when these events happened, we can really beat ourselves up. If you look at a photo of that 12 year old boy can you find it in your hear to forgive him, that kid needs a big old hug
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 117
You do have to let it go. Congratulations on ten days!! That's such a great accomplishment and something you should be proud of. You can't change the past but you can learn from it and move on. Be kind to yourself. You're human; you made mistakes.
That bell or bike person
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: london
Posts: 4,978
You did the best with the knowledge and experience you had then . Can you forgive the old you ? poor guy was a drunk who didn't know how to get sober as well as all the other problems life drops at your door .
Doesn't he deserve your love and compassion ? to be forgiven …
If you can't find it in your heart for the you yesterday then what about the 13 year old you , nothing much more than a kid … what about the 14 year old you ? and so on …
To live without learning something would be cause for regret , you have learned , you are growing .
The troubled person who lived yesterday is not you today and could be forgiven , yes you might still have troubles but you are growing and changing and that for me was key about making the best of what i had today so i was could find some contentment .
Bestwishes, m
Doesn't he deserve your love and compassion ? to be forgiven …
If you can't find it in your heart for the you yesterday then what about the 13 year old you , nothing much more than a kid … what about the 14 year old you ? and so on …
To live without learning something would be cause for regret , you have learned , you are growing .
The troubled person who lived yesterday is not you today and could be forgiven , yes you might still have troubles but you are growing and changing and that for me was key about making the best of what i had today so i was could find some contentment .
Bestwishes, m
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
Malcolm, have you ever seen the movie "The Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind"? It came out in '04, I think, with Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey (the latter not being a goofball, for once). It's good.
Without giving away the story, it's essentially a sci-fi about a secret clinic where patients go to have all their most painful memories erased. Whether that's a good idea or not, the movie provides no answers. Except, perhaps, to remind us that such a "solution" only exists in creative screenwriting.
I have bad memories, many (most?) connected to my addiction. But I have good memories, too, which I cherish.
The good memories serve as a hopeful prologue for the rest of my story. The bad memories will be there, too; my only choice is to accept them for what they are.
I don't know how my story is going to end. I know only that it will not be good if I choose to leave recovery.
I want a better story. It's already improving. For that, I choose sobriety and recovery.
Write your next chapter in sobriety and recovery, Malcolm. There's good stuff there.
Without giving away the story, it's essentially a sci-fi about a secret clinic where patients go to have all their most painful memories erased. Whether that's a good idea or not, the movie provides no answers. Except, perhaps, to remind us that such a "solution" only exists in creative screenwriting.
I have bad memories, many (most?) connected to my addiction. But I have good memories, too, which I cherish.
The good memories serve as a hopeful prologue for the rest of my story. The bad memories will be there, too; my only choice is to accept them for what they are.
I don't know how my story is going to end. I know only that it will not be good if I choose to leave recovery.
I want a better story. It's already improving. For that, I choose sobriety and recovery.
Write your next chapter in sobriety and recovery, Malcolm. There's good stuff there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Texas
Posts: 149
What Venecia said.
Maybe it would help to go back now & talk to the 7th grade you. Let him know it got better...you got better. Be for him now what you needed back then. And promise him you're doing better by your children.
I have done a lot of therapy work around my inner child on some other levels (childhood abuse). It was very helpful for me.
Take what you like - leave the rest.
Thank you for this post. Congrats on day 10!!!
Maybe it would help to go back now & talk to the 7th grade you. Let him know it got better...you got better. Be for him now what you needed back then. And promise him you're doing better by your children.
I have done a lot of therapy work around my inner child on some other levels (childhood abuse). It was very helpful for me.
Take what you like - leave the rest.
Thank you for this post. Congrats on day 10!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Chattanooga TN
Posts: 596
Congrats on this wonderful day! I know you have earned every minute of it.
Try my rewrite of the sentence malcolm. There is much better advice here than what I offer, but I am hoping to help flip the switch in you, to help you focus on the positive... that you are SO lucky to have what you have. How you got here is much less important than where you are, and where you are going. I know it feels like it is just on the surface, this wonderful life of your, but it is not. It IS who you are.
I am a 42 year old man who has a successful career, a loving wife, children and friends who care and depend on me.
I know this doesn't fix anything, but I am finding it very important for my well being to fight negative thoughts like I would someone trying to ruin my life, which is exactly what those thoughts can do. We can't forget things. We can't change things. All we can do is continue writing pages in our book of life, and make them better pages each and every day.
Please keep writing and sharing here and work things out in your mind.
Try my rewrite of the sentence malcolm. There is much better advice here than what I offer, but I am hoping to help flip the switch in you, to help you focus on the positive... that you are SO lucky to have what you have. How you got here is much less important than where you are, and where you are going. I know it feels like it is just on the surface, this wonderful life of your, but it is not. It IS who you are.
I am a 42 year old man who has a successful career, a loving wife, children and friends who care and depend on me.
I know this doesn't fix anything, but I am finding it very important for my well being to fight negative thoughts like I would someone trying to ruin my life, which is exactly what those thoughts can do. We can't forget things. We can't change things. All we can do is continue writing pages in our book of life, and make them better pages each and every day.
Please keep writing and sharing here and work things out in your mind.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Malcolm my sentence would be something like
I was a 40 year old man who had been struggling with alcohol or drugs since high school.
For the part 7 years I've stayed sober and I reclaimed my life.
It's never too late to change....those past years may be gone...but what about the 30 years each of us has ahead of us?
I aim to make those years count
D
I was a 40 year old man who had been struggling with alcohol or drugs since high school.
For the part 7 years I've stayed sober and I reclaimed my life.
It's never too late to change....those past years may be gone...but what about the 30 years each of us has ahead of us?
I aim to make those years count
D
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 678
Originally Posted by SoberMarathon 
We've lived an eerily similar life, malcolmsloan: multiple degrees, college athlete on scholarship, beautiful family, and a long drinking history. I'm sure I have many sto
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Try not to let this drag you down on your day 10. You can't unring the bell. Stay sober. Occupy your mind and body otherwise. Clean up little messes. Take baby steps. Chances are, you are not as troubled inside as you think right now. Alcohol is a problem magnifier that comes with blinders. Early sobriety can feel like being given an electron microscope to look at your past life. Don't waste the energy on it now. It can suck you back in.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: South west uk
Posts: 960
Well done Malcolm. Time to move on to the new chapter. It's hard to forget the past, however everyday you don't put it behind you is another day you are not enjoying the new you.
Good luck and I hope to hear how things go
PC
Good luck and I hope to hear how things go
PC
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