worriedmind

I got home from work today @ 4:00pm and could tell immediately that my ABF was drunk. His 9 yr old daughter was there. Her grandma had dropped her off an hour earlier. I tried calling her mother and the phone had been shut off so I called the stepdad. (They're going thru a divorce) He thought the mother should be home tonight but couldn't be sure because there was no way to get a hold of her. I called the grandma and arranged to drop off my ABF's daughter with her. I didn't tell him what my plan was, and didn't tell his daughter either until we were out in our parking lot. She was complaining of being hungry so I told her I'd take her to get something for dinner. Once outside, I told her I was bringing her to her Grandma's. She had been crying before we left because her dad was acting weird. My ABF was so wasted, not making any sense, and his poor 9 yr old was alone with him with nowhere to go, and no one to tell.

The car ride was awkward. She asked me if Rockstar drinks had alcohol, (he drinks them when he drinks vodka, I think in an effort to not pass out) and why her dad drank, and said that he had promised her that he wouldn't. It all makes me so sad, and I'm not sure how to talk to her about it. I'm only 28. I've been trying to muster up the courage to leave him eventually (or even just get used to the idea) for several months now. But what about this kid?? Her grandma bought her a cell phone, and I told her she can and should call me if her dad is ever 'unlike himself' but I'm really worried. What happens when I leave and she's with him and there's no one to step in?

I went to a friend's and he called me several times to yell at me. He said what I did was stupid, he wasn't drunk, and I would someday be a horrible mother. I know it's not true but...

LadyinBC

You definately did the right thing taking her to her Grandma's. Big hugs to you, I'm sorry you are going thru this.

Raider

Wow. I'm sorry that happened. I would have done the same thing.

BoxinRotz

Even his own daughter knew he was drunk. He's an ass! I'd of done the same thing! Eventually, his daughter will refuse to even want to be around him. Hopefully, it's sooner than later so he can't ruin her life.

FeelingGreat

Of course you did the right thing, you had no choice, and your ABF is just in the sort of denial we As get into when confronted with the results of our actions. But you know that.
Regarding leaving him; you can't stay around just for the daughter's sake. Play the tape out an you'll see it goes nowhere. What you can do is talk to the mother and tell her you are available to tell your story if she decides to restrict ABF's access to the daughter.

unindated

worriedmind,

I went through something similar and I did nothing, and regret it to this day.

You absolutely did the right thing.

lillamy

Hugs. Yo did the right thing, no doubt.
This poor kid is in a crap situation but at least her grandma knows what's going on. Is her mother OK? I mean, not a drunk?

Here's a long shot but one you may want to consider: talk with the mom. Tell her you will testify in court about his habits of drinking when he's alone with the girl.

I can't see another way you can protect tis poor kid.

Booo

Getting a child out of harms way? 100000000 percent the right thing to do. Although my dad was not a mean drunk until I was close to 16, my mom went nuts and rightly so when he was drinking, I witnessed much more arguments than I ever ever should have.

I wish someone would hAve taken me out of the situation when he was drunk and I was a kid, I could not do it myself until I had a drivers license. Ooh, how I drove!

Seren

I think you did a very good thing for that precious little girl. Thank you!

What do you think would be a good thing to do for you?

dandylion

You certainly did do the right thing. You sound like a caring and intelligent person.

Alanon will help you with clearing your head and getting the courage to leave that you spoke about. I hope you will consider it!

dandylion

posiesperson

Protecting a child is the right thing to do.

Living with the regret of not having done so, and seeing the effects of the aftermath, is much worse. Listening to parents (and/or step-parents) who did not protect their children was one of the greatest motivators for me to take action for my own children when I was most confused about what to do because of the pressure, family expectations, my fears, etc.

I protected my children, who are now mid-to-late teenagers, even when they "didn't want me to" because they thought they knew what was best for themselves. But I saw DANGER at the time, took the risks to do what I felt was the best (with many thanks to my Alanon and SR communities for the support) and my children began to see what was going on in the bigger picture.

They're already thanking me...

Ask any adult who was traumatized as a child if they had even ONE person who saw what they were going through. Their eyes will brighten as they recount that person's recognition of their pain, even if they couldn't make it all go away.

She's a fortunate 9 year old, to have you.

Hugs,
posie

posiesperson

PS: The cell phone thing is fantastic. Though in principle I'm not a huge fan of kids having phones in childhood, it's the way things are these days. The peace of mind that emerged, knowing that they could reach me when they did not feel safe (and did, on more than one occasion) was absolutely priceless.

HealingWillCome

Without a doubt, you did the right thing. Keeping you all in prayer.

Mango blast

Practice memorizing phone numbers with this girl -- yours, her mom's and grandma's. If she's ever without her own cell phone, make sure she knows how to dial a landline, payphone (if you can find one to practice on) and other cell phones, and practice asking if she can use someone's phone. Many kids don't have experience of when a number may be long distance and the ways to call. Something as simple as dialing 1 first or dialing with or without the area code can get in the way from a successful call. Talk about calling 911 if she needs help, even if she's not sure if it's an "emergency", it's important for her to be in a safe environment. Learning to ask for help --and that it is right to! -- is a huge thing.

Yes, you did the right thing for her. You're also allowed to do what you need to for yourself.

fluffyflea

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You did the right thing.



QUOTE=worriedmind;4319816]I got home from work today @ 4:00pm and could tell immediately that my ABF was drunk. His 9 yr old daughter was there. Her grandma had dropped her off an hour earlier. I tried calling her mother and the phone had been shut off so I called the stepdad. (They're going thru a divorce) He thought the mother should be home tonight but couldn't be sure because there was no way to get a hold of her. I called the grandma and arranged to drop off my ABF's daughter with her. I didn't tell him what my plan was, and didn't tell his daughter either until we were out in our parking lot. She was complaining of being hungry so I told her I'd take her to get something for dinner. Once outside, I told her I was bringing her to her Grandma's. She had been crying before we left because her dad was acting weird. My ABF was so wasted, not making any sense, and his poor 9 yr old was alone with him with nowhere to go, and no one to tell.

The car ride was awkward. She asked me if Rockstar drinks had alcohol, (he drinks them when he drinks vodka, I think in an effort to not pass out) and why her dad drank, and said that he had promised her that he wouldn't. It all makes me so sad, and I'm not sure how to talk to her about it. I'm only 28. I've been trying to muster up the courage to leave him eventually (or even just get used to the idea) for several months now. But what about this kid?? Her grandma bought her a cell phone, and I told her she can and should call me if her dad is ever 'unlike himself' but I'm really worried. What happens when I leave and she's with him and there's no one to step in?

I went to a friend's and he called me several times to yell at me. He said what I did was stupid, he wasn't drunk, and I would someday be a horrible mother. I know it's not true but...[/QUOTE]

worriedmind

I really needed the reinforcement. Unfortunately the mother is an alcoholic as well. It's a big part of why she's going thru a divorce. She once took a bottle of Tylenol while alone with her 2 kids. She called her Ex and told him to get the kids, and threw her phone in the kitchen sink (full of water) The kids got to watch as cops showed up and took their mom away, and she was sent to a mental health place and placed on a 72 hour hold. Twice the county has stepped in and she wasn't allowed to be alone with her kids for some time.

I got a call from ABF this morning from his daughter's cell. He went to the bar and lost his phone and wallet last night. Both kids (5 and 9) were dropped off with him this morning. He called in sick to work and he thinks they should stay the night with us (what?!) I'm working 4-10 tonight. I think they should go home NOW. He thinks everything is fine today, and that when things are good, they're really good.

This stuff always goes the same way. We'll argue, I'll go back and forth between being angry and sad. He'll go back and forth between being defensive, and promising to get help. A few days will go by and things will smooth out. Then it'll start all over again. Lately it's been about every 2 weeks. I started to mark it in my planner to try and keep track.

I'm trying to do things for myself, but I'm having a hard time keeping focus. I'm a CNA and planning on going to nursing school. I'm taking Biology right now, and my employer is going to reimburse me at the end of the semester. It's a really good opportunity. They'll pay up to $10,000 for my schooling, and then give me a job when I'm done. I work all day, go to school, and come home to him passed out with pee in his pants. It's awful.


I'm @ the library now. Wanted to check this before going home. Here goes...

hopeful4

Hugs sweetie. You did do the right thing. You need to have a very honest talk w grandma and let her know if the kids are dropped off w him alone and hes drunk you will call dfs to intervene. They need safety. Are there any other relatives who can step up? And lastly....get away from him....run as fast as pissible. What a creep.

Walkaboutout

You, absolutely, did the best thing you could. It was the right thing. It took courage to do it, and you did it.