Direction
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 5
Direction
So, I went to my second AA meeting tonight, two weeks apart. The reason for this is my schedule. I am only available every other week to attend a meeting. I love the support and hearing the testimonies of others who have been on this journey before me.
Problem, the topic was 'slipping' and the fact that as addicts our mind will always go there.... Regardless we can overcome these temptations.
For me, having just starting my journey I haven't been successful in getting there. I always think it's going to be a fresh start, the date of my recovery but the next thing I know my motivation is gone and I find myself in the bottle.
I hear and I am encouraged but what will it take to get me there, to my LAST drink?
My sponsor asked me why? What is stopping me? I DONT know! I want to quit. I know I am an addict. I know what the consequences could be.
Personally I have never been 'found out'. No run ins with the law, no problems at work, I seem to function to the outside world, but I DO know better. The fear of this drives me but then it's gone before I know it.
I don't want to have to be in that place before I stop for good.
I feel like there is something I am missing and it scares me.
Problem, the topic was 'slipping' and the fact that as addicts our mind will always go there.... Regardless we can overcome these temptations.
For me, having just starting my journey I haven't been successful in getting there. I always think it's going to be a fresh start, the date of my recovery but the next thing I know my motivation is gone and I find myself in the bottle.
I hear and I am encouraged but what will it take to get me there, to my LAST drink?
My sponsor asked me why? What is stopping me? I DONT know! I want to quit. I know I am an addict. I know what the consequences could be.
Personally I have never been 'found out'. No run ins with the law, no problems at work, I seem to function to the outside world, but I DO know better. The fear of this drives me but then it's gone before I know it.
I don't want to have to be in that place before I stop for good.
I feel like there is something I am missing and it scares me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Oh Jenn I know what you mean. A lot of us could say
Yep, if we haven't hit "rock bottom" -- whatever that is -- why stop? For me it was because I was ruining my health, my life was regulated by drinking (couldn't drive at night because I'd be drinking for instance) and I knew that however much I pretended it wasn't affecting me it was. Badly. I was also becoming enormously selfish, self absorbed and self indulgent and I despised myself for that.
Inside you there is a reason you want to stop and it's about more than the fear of being found out. There is a reason for you, dig deep and you'll find it. In fact you probably already know what it is.
No run ins with the law, no problems at work, I seem to function to the outside world, but I DO know better
Inside you there is a reason you want to stop and it's about more than the fear of being found out. There is a reason for you, dig deep and you'll find it. In fact you probably already know what it is.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 1,997
What do you mean you feel something is missing Jennj? Do you mean that you haven't had a lot of bad consequences but still feel drinking is leaving you empty?
If that's what you mean, I understand that. I didn't have too many bad consequences. I worked, I didn't have DUI's, my friends and family put up with me. I just always hated how I felt after I drank. Hated it. I always knew it was stupid. I always knew it was a huge waste of time and energy and I always knew I deserved better. It just never was enough to stop me. Once I started to drink. I rarely shut it off. I didn't black out. But I always either had a hangover or at minimum...felt fuzzy. But the hardest part for me was letting myself down. Time and time again.
I just had to stop. Period. It was hard drinking and it was hard quitting at first. I just had to choose my hard. I knew the only way I could have the life I wanted..the only shot I had...was to quit drinking. I want a really nice life. I at least want a shot at it.
Me..I just had to take the option off the table and stick to my guns no matter what. I knew it would get better and easier eventually. It wasn't easy at first. But drinking wasn't easy either. Like I said. I just picked my hard.
Good news is the longer you don't drink, the more opportunity you have to work on all the good stuff. Learning to have fun all on your own. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin. And one of my favorites...being proud of yourself. I like that even if I'm having a crappy day, I still feel better than the letting myself down feelings I always had before.
That feeling good about myself is a good motivator for me.
Don't give up!
If that's what you mean, I understand that. I didn't have too many bad consequences. I worked, I didn't have DUI's, my friends and family put up with me. I just always hated how I felt after I drank. Hated it. I always knew it was stupid. I always knew it was a huge waste of time and energy and I always knew I deserved better. It just never was enough to stop me. Once I started to drink. I rarely shut it off. I didn't black out. But I always either had a hangover or at minimum...felt fuzzy. But the hardest part for me was letting myself down. Time and time again.
I just had to stop. Period. It was hard drinking and it was hard quitting at first. I just had to choose my hard. I knew the only way I could have the life I wanted..the only shot I had...was to quit drinking. I want a really nice life. I at least want a shot at it.
Me..I just had to take the option off the table and stick to my guns no matter what. I knew it would get better and easier eventually. It wasn't easy at first. But drinking wasn't easy either. Like I said. I just picked my hard.
Good news is the longer you don't drink, the more opportunity you have to work on all the good stuff. Learning to have fun all on your own. Learning to be comfortable in your own skin. And one of my favorites...being proud of yourself. I like that even if I'm having a crappy day, I still feel better than the letting myself down feelings I always had before.
That feeling good about myself is a good motivator for me.
Don't give up!
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
Just to add on to what Marcher, said, you may have not experienced any serious consequences yet. But this is a progressive and fatal disease. if you keep drinking, bad things will eventually happen. Things will only get worse. It's sucks, but that's the way alcoholism works.
So you have a choice now. Bow out before you progress to someone who isn't functional, or keep drinking and see how far you spiral out of control.
I chose the latter option and ended up in a coma in the ICU. Before that, I was functioning at a high level. I have a great education, a great job that I excel at, and I had a good relationship at the time. Without consequences, there was no motivation for me to quit. So I kept drinking until there was consequences. And those consequences hit HARD. Looking back, I wish I would have chosen the former option and quit while I was still ahead. You do not HAVE to have a low bottom if you don't want to. Choice is yours.
So you have a choice now. Bow out before you progress to someone who isn't functional, or keep drinking and see how far you spiral out of control.
I chose the latter option and ended up in a coma in the ICU. Before that, I was functioning at a high level. I have a great education, a great job that I excel at, and I had a good relationship at the time. Without consequences, there was no motivation for me to quit. So I kept drinking until there was consequences. And those consequences hit HARD. Looking back, I wish I would have chosen the former option and quit while I was still ahead. You do not HAVE to have a low bottom if you don't want to. Choice is yours.
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