CactusJill

Hi Everyone-

I am not new, but after a year and a half of sobriety, I fell off the wagon. Doh!

Let's see... What started me drinking again was stress. Stress always does it. I drink to self-medicate anxiety. The only time I even want to drink is when I am stressed. The problem isn't so much how often I drink, but what happens when I do. All it takes is a glass of wine or two and the next thing you know I have drank the whole bottle. Or two. And I get nasty. Really nasty and mean. My internal editor goes away and I say awful things.

Anyway, my daughter was born in July. About that time, my three year old son started having BIG problems. He got kicked out of daycare for not listening and not cooperating with his teachers. Life at home became damn near impossible with him as well. He wasn't sleeping well and he was just constantly on the go, much more than the average three year old. He wasn't listening and he was openly defiant. It got to the point that life was pretty miserable, quite frankly, and my husband (not his biological father) was seriously wondering if he could handle it.

We tried another daycare and he got kicked out of that one too, within two hours. Two hours! I was at the end of my rope. I even had to work from home because I couldn't find a daycare to take him and I couldn't afford a full time babysitter.

I was not actively working a program. It worked fine for me until this. I guess I had to learn the hard way that you need a support system during these stressful life events or you can't stay sober. So, I started drinking again. I am NOT blaming my son, or anyone else. This was my doing.

It was the worst three months of my life. Every time I drank (1-2 times a week) my husband and I would get into a HUGE fight. My oldest daughter, who is 13, was talking about moving out with her father. I was (am) really on the brink.

The last straw was two nights ago. My husband and I got into it, yet again. This time it was so bad that things were thrown and broken in front of my son, and I have a bruised face because something bounced off the wall and hit the side of my face. My husband stayed the night at a friend's, and I honestly wasn't sure if he was coming back this time.

I am not quitting for him though, or just for my son. I am quitting for me because if I don't stop, I will either end up in jail or dead.

This time I am going to go to AA meetings as regularly as possible. I do not have babysitting for my baby girl and my son goes to his special preschool program from 11:30 until 3:30 during the week (turns out he is autistic and he is doing much, much better, but we still can't take him anywhere he has to sit still for long periods of time). But I am going to find a meeting that fits into the time he is gone.

So, here I am. I feel broken and hurt, both by my actions and some of the things my husband did/said during our fight, but I am going to make this my bottom and work my way back up to where I need to be.

Dee74

I'm sorry for what you had to go through but I'm glad you're back

D

CactusJill

Thanks, Dee. I hope I have learned my lesson this time. It certainly scared the crap out of me!

LindaLou

Glad you're back CactusJill! We share the same problem; I could have written that. That is why I can't drink anymore, not even one, ever. The last time I drank me and my sober BF got into a fight. Through no fault of his, I fell against something and had a huge bruise on my thigh that lasted 3 weeks! The next day I was sore and mortified of the things had said and done.

I visit SR every day and am close to 4 weeks sober now. We can do this!!!

KateL

Thepatman

Glad you are back! I could bet my next paycheck that your little one will improve as a result of your sobriety. Children feel more then we think. But it will take time, be patient.

CactusJill

I am so sorry that you have a similar experience, LindaLou. The shame and horror are awful. But, I am glad that I am in good company!

LindaLou

I used to think I was alone with this particular problem. But since I've been coming to SR, I've found that there are many more of us that suffer through this. We are, indeed, in good company! It's nice to never be alone with out struggles!

least

Glad you're giving it another go.

CactusJill

I will keep coming back until it sticks. I am stubborn that way! lol!

ReadyAtLast

Welcome back Jill

Jeni26

Welcome back Jill. Well that is certainly a great deal of stress you have been through...not only a new baby with the associated sleep deprivation that brings, but a 3 year old with his diagnosis of autism. I hope this diagnosis means you are now able to access support for him and for you all in learning how best to manage his difficulties.

I understand completely how stress built for you in this situation and I'm so pleased you have seen that drink made it so much worse. I can't remember who said this on SR, but it has really stuck with me...there is no situation that drinking can't make worse...but it's so true.

Glad you're here Jill...things can only get better from now on x

Whiterhino24

stress is my number one trigger and with the separation with my wife doesnt make it any easier but I am working at ways to handle it.

CactusJill

Yeah, coping with stress is always the sticking point. I have generalized anxiety and I tend to over-analyze and worry even when everything is ok. Exercise helps, so I am trying to build that in each day as much as I can.

My husband is staying, at least for now, but things are strained. I think we were both more than a little freaked out by how quickly it escalated. He is not completely on board with me seeking treatment either because I think to him it means facing that he binges as well and that his habits aren't healthy either. I drank less then him, you see. But he doesn't react to it like I do! I tell him this isn't about him and that if and when he decides to quit that that is his decision alone.