This Time For Good
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 7
This Time For Good
Hi everyone.
It's hard to start writing, because it seems like there's too much to say, but I need to say it.
I started drinking my first weekend of college; I was 17 at the time, and that was four years ago. I'd had no experience with alcohol before, and I thought it was just unbelievable. Before the end of my first semester, I was blacking out and getting kicked out of frat houses, and it only got worse from there.
I kept the drinking to the weekends for the first few semesters, but I would always drink too much. Once I started, I wanted nothing but to drink more, and I quickly developed a reputation around campus. I got in fights, broke things, ruined relationships with friends, stole, got hospitalized a few times, written up by the school repeatedly, and, finally, after I'd amassed so many charges that there was nothing else to be done, I was suspended.
I was valedictorian in high school, 4.0. GPA, stellar academics across the board. The suspension was devastating, and I couldn't even began to think of what to do with my life. That summer, I moved back in with my father, confessed about the suspension, grew sadder and sadder, drank more and more, and eventually, June of that year, chugged a bottle of Wellbutrin, seized three times, and woke up in the hospital. I woke up to the knowledge that I had tried to kill myself, something I had never considered, not even in my saddest (sober) moments. I agreed to spend some time at an in-patient facility. I was there for three weeks, and I still remember my time there with fondness.
I got out of rehab, felt great, moved to a new state with my ex-girlfriend and her family, and landed on a 5 month bender. I didn't drink every day, but I drank more than I'd ever had before, and it was there that the despair truly began. It was then that I gave up on myself. I was hopeless. I had no energy, no motivation, and no real creativity. All I did was drink and smoke weed. I had a number of theories spinning around in my head, excuses that prolonged the bender (things like "I'm depressed," "My dad was too strict," "My circumstances are unique," "I'm smarter than they are," "It's not like it used to be," etc.), but nothing that pinned the responsibility on me. I wasted half of a year of my life.
After a "vacation" that turned into a yearlong couchsurf, I moved back to my college's city. I was still suspended at the time. The drinking continued, unabated. I was back on a college campus, with parties and easy access to booze, and tons of friends ready to get me high (which would always make it much easier to drink and drink too much). So the drinking got worse. I was hospitalized a few more times and attempted, one night, to throw myself from the top of the highest balcony on campus. Word got around to the administration, and I was expelled.
I stayed on campus. At this point, I'd hit rock bottom, and I knew it. I spent a lot of time pitying myself and this allowed the drinking to continue, but I'd resurfaced from complete hopelessness. Slowly, I started to open up to the world. The drinking continued, but the reckless abandon was gone (or leaving, at least). I didn't enjoy blacking out like I had before. I no longer wanted to escape. But it was still so hard to change.
Over time, with help from friends, with hard work, with honesty to myself, with open-mindedness and restraint, I've made a lot of progress. I make a decent living now (something I'd never done before), I'm not depressed or quite as anxious as before, and I've discovered more and more about my self and about the world.
Yet I still drink. At least, up until three days ago. Nowadays, when I'm sober, life's normal. But when I drink, I end up drinking more than I wanted, and, often, go on benders for a few days to a week and a half. Looking back on everything, I think I used to be an alcoholic coping with depression, but am now just an alcoholic. I don't want the depression to return, I'm sick of all of the lost time and wasted money, all of the rationalizations and despair, all of the stupid things I do, this different person that I become. I've been sick of all of these things for so long, and I've tried quitting in the past, only to relapse after deciding I had things under control. But only to end up in the same place.
Three days ago, it was my birthday. I got drunk that night, the final night of a two week bender, and I'm more sure now than ever before that I want to stop and stop for good. I know that I've said this before, and I'm scared that I'll fail - I'm afraid that somehow I'm destined to continue failing forever.
So I'm going to give this my all, and I wish the best for all of you out there going through anything similar, or anything hard at all. Stay strong.
It's hard to start writing, because it seems like there's too much to say, but I need to say it.
I started drinking my first weekend of college; I was 17 at the time, and that was four years ago. I'd had no experience with alcohol before, and I thought it was just unbelievable. Before the end of my first semester, I was blacking out and getting kicked out of frat houses, and it only got worse from there.
I kept the drinking to the weekends for the first few semesters, but I would always drink too much. Once I started, I wanted nothing but to drink more, and I quickly developed a reputation around campus. I got in fights, broke things, ruined relationships with friends, stole, got hospitalized a few times, written up by the school repeatedly, and, finally, after I'd amassed so many charges that there was nothing else to be done, I was suspended.
I was valedictorian in high school, 4.0. GPA, stellar academics across the board. The suspension was devastating, and I couldn't even began to think of what to do with my life. That summer, I moved back in with my father, confessed about the suspension, grew sadder and sadder, drank more and more, and eventually, June of that year, chugged a bottle of Wellbutrin, seized three times, and woke up in the hospital. I woke up to the knowledge that I had tried to kill myself, something I had never considered, not even in my saddest (sober) moments. I agreed to spend some time at an in-patient facility. I was there for three weeks, and I still remember my time there with fondness.
I got out of rehab, felt great, moved to a new state with my ex-girlfriend and her family, and landed on a 5 month bender. I didn't drink every day, but I drank more than I'd ever had before, and it was there that the despair truly began. It was then that I gave up on myself. I was hopeless. I had no energy, no motivation, and no real creativity. All I did was drink and smoke weed. I had a number of theories spinning around in my head, excuses that prolonged the bender (things like "I'm depressed," "My dad was too strict," "My circumstances are unique," "I'm smarter than they are," "It's not like it used to be," etc.), but nothing that pinned the responsibility on me. I wasted half of a year of my life.
After a "vacation" that turned into a yearlong couchsurf, I moved back to my college's city. I was still suspended at the time. The drinking continued, unabated. I was back on a college campus, with parties and easy access to booze, and tons of friends ready to get me high (which would always make it much easier to drink and drink too much). So the drinking got worse. I was hospitalized a few more times and attempted, one night, to throw myself from the top of the highest balcony on campus. Word got around to the administration, and I was expelled.
I stayed on campus. At this point, I'd hit rock bottom, and I knew it. I spent a lot of time pitying myself and this allowed the drinking to continue, but I'd resurfaced from complete hopelessness. Slowly, I started to open up to the world. The drinking continued, but the reckless abandon was gone (or leaving, at least). I didn't enjoy blacking out like I had before. I no longer wanted to escape. But it was still so hard to change.
Over time, with help from friends, with hard work, with honesty to myself, with open-mindedness and restraint, I've made a lot of progress. I make a decent living now (something I'd never done before), I'm not depressed or quite as anxious as before, and I've discovered more and more about my self and about the world.
Yet I still drink. At least, up until three days ago. Nowadays, when I'm sober, life's normal. But when I drink, I end up drinking more than I wanted, and, often, go on benders for a few days to a week and a half. Looking back on everything, I think I used to be an alcoholic coping with depression, but am now just an alcoholic. I don't want the depression to return, I'm sick of all of the lost time and wasted money, all of the rationalizations and despair, all of the stupid things I do, this different person that I become. I've been sick of all of these things for so long, and I've tried quitting in the past, only to relapse after deciding I had things under control. But only to end up in the same place.
Three days ago, it was my birthday. I got drunk that night, the final night of a two week bender, and I'm more sure now than ever before that I want to stop and stop for good. I know that I've said this before, and I'm scared that I'll fail - I'm afraid that somehow I'm destined to continue failing forever.
So I'm going to give this my all, and I wish the best for all of you out there going through anything similar, or anything hard at all. Stay strong.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome PF, thanks for sharing your story. You are among friends here, and many of us have been in dire straits just as you have...so we know how painful it is. SR is my main sobriety tool, I hope you can find something here to reach your goals as well.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 151
Noting to afraid of if you fail 
but you should be afraid when you stop trying . I play chess loose daily , but in order to grow I need stronger players to beat me and show me my errors , id like to make master in a few years 
so your goal is to get sober ? actually your real goal is probably to have peace and be happy , not the fake temp peace that blacking out brings but the hapiness of liking who you are , loving others and being honest .
your young your comming to good decisions early on and your damage to your body is minimal give it a few months and I think you will be in a good spot
have you thought about the millitary ? if you finish your degree you can go in as a officer . I'm not a recruiter but there is a lot of structure to be found there
good luck
but you should be afraid when you stop trying . I play chess loose daily , but in order to grow I need stronger players to beat me and show me my errors , id like to make master in a few years so your goal is to get sober ? actually your real goal is probably to have peace and be happy , not the fake temp peace that blacking out brings but the hapiness of liking who you are , loving others and being honest .
your young your comming to good decisions early on and your damage to your body is minimal give it a few months and I think you will be in a good spot
have you thought about the millitary ? if you finish your degree you can go in as a officer . I'm not a recruiter but there is a lot of structure to be found there
good luck
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