hooklinensinker

I'm not sure if this is where I can post, if not please direct me.

I'm married with 3 kids, 15, 11 & 4. My husband and I were high school sweethearts. He always had a drinking problem, now looking back I can see it but denial is a hell of a coping mechanism. I buried my head in the sand. He progressed to cocaine after losing a good job in corrections. About two years ago I decided to leave the madness and he spiraled out of control. We lost our home. We kept in constant contact and I enabled him. I never cut him off cold turkey. Bad move. I grew in many ways, spiritually and emotionally during that time but not enough because I never let him go. He was and is, my drug. I wanted this man to love me and take care of me just like he promised to do along with our kids. Yet, the promises never became a reality. In those two years he's been arrested 5 times for drunk in public and once under the influence, he even ended up in the er. He's also participated in one outpatient 3 month rehab stint and he's currently doing drug court for the 3rd time. By the grace of God he still has a job. Today Im making the decision to let go. I've said this many times but I feel it in my bones. I must walk or risk losing my kids . Anyway, it's a rough day to realize this but everyone needs a day one.

I'm looking for advice on how to fully detach with love. I've tried and but my hurt and anger take over. I feel cheated but I also realize I played a part in this. Sometimes I feel like I AM the cause of his problems like he says. I feel so minuscule during those times. I'm basically a ball of negative, raw emotions at this point and I'm ready to start resolving those in a positive manner. I just need to be steered in the right direction.

Happy Thanksgiving All!

Raider

I wish I could steer you, but I don't have the experience to do that. Your post breaks my heart. I am so sorry for your pain. Only you know what you have to do. Prayers for you and your family. Love.

overit263

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this, but good for you for making the first step of detaching with love! It's a process and you are going to feel hurt, anger, over and over, but it will get better! As the three c's say, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. People with addiction love to blame everyone else, but when they finally take responsibility they are usually ready to get help. They are going to drink/use whether we are around or not, so why endanger yourself and your kids if he isn't clean/sober? It sounds like you've had enough and reality has hit you. It will get better, I promise, but it might get worse before it gets better. Stay strong!!! I myself am in the process of divorcing my AH after his second relapse etc. We met in high school and stayed friends for years before we got together.

SparkleKitty

I am so sorry you are hurting. Many, man hugs to you and your family.

For me the first step in detaching with love is accepting the A for exactly who he is, right now, limitations and all. Take the blinders off and be very honest with yourself about him and his addiction. Accepting him, while painful, disappointing, and usually very frustrating, will allow you to let go of any unrealistic expectations you may have of him and of your relationship. For me, it was always the dashed expectations that hurt the most.

This is far easier said than done, I know. I wish it wasn't. Sending you strength and patience.

hooklinensinker

Dear Raider,

Thank you for your prayers. I hate that we have a reason to be on this site but am grateful that's it's here. It's a little glimmer of hope.

hooklinensinker

Dear Overit263,

I'm yearning for this pain to be over but I realize I must feel every inch of it so that I may heal, the right way. I'm going to memorize the three c's! Thank u. It's difficult to let go of 15+ years of dreams and goals that I made with someone. However, the time has come. I started divorce proceedings in May. He came back and promised to change. :-/ Welp, here we are 6 mths later. I'm not going to say it was wasted time; I've learned a lot and I'm content that I gave this marriage everything I had and then some. This is definitely not for the faint of heart. Thank u for your kind words.

AnvilheadII

Today Im making the decision to let go. I've said this many times but I feel it in my bones. I must walk or risk losing my kids . Anyway, it's a rough day to realize this but everyone needs a day one.

that's a beautiful statement about your priorities....your children. you are their champion, their protector. and no one is better suited!!!

it's tough, and i'm so sorry. but you have a good head on your shoulders and are on the right path to a better happier life for you and the kids!!!!

hugs and welcome.

hooklinensinker

Dear Sparklekitty,

This week in particular has been one of the most heartbreaking. I know why. My eyes are wide open. I see the addiction, the lies, manipulation, cheating, emotional/verbal abuse etc. For some reason everything lined up for me and I'm finally being honest with myself but boy is it a cold slap in the face.

Thank u for your kind words. This is bittersweet. I'm glad that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy. This is real! Yet, it hurts to know that others have suffered the same. :-/

Kindeyes

Welcome to SR....you've come to the right place. There are so many here who have been or are going through what you are..... On one hand it's good to know that you aren't alone....on the other....it's sad to know so many are experiencing it.

Getting to the point of being ready to detach with love is a process. It's not something that most do from the get-go. Usually....we try just about everything else possible before we get to the point of accepting our own powerlessness over another person....particularly where addiction is concerned.

Today is a good first day. Any day is a good first day. Many have survived what you are dealing with. When I divorced my XAH, I wasn't sure I could live through the anguish but I did.....and so will you.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

hooklinensinker

Dear Anvilheadll

Thank u so much for the kind words.

I have a lot of time to make up with my kids. I've been present but not 100%. I started to realize how much energy I spent trying to pacify or please my AH. Meanwhile my kids suffered. They've never gone hungry or without necessities but emotionally, I've failed them in many ways.

Again, thank u for your kind words, they mean very much to me during this time.

hooklinensinker

Dear Kindeyes,

All these replies are warming my heart. I'm not alone! It's difficult to explain some of the crazy situations to my family. Example, AH lost his only pair of shoes when he got arrested two weeks ago and has taken my 15 yo son's two pairs off an on. Welp, today I'm heading to Thanksgiving dinner and notice my son has flip flops on!!!! Dad took both shoes so my boy goes without! 😳

The fact that ppl here know and can sympathize is blowing me out of the water. The insanity is just a bit more than I can or want to handle.

Thank you!!!!

Vale

Oh believe me, we sympathize.

For many, many months I allowed myself to be used by a person
under the spell of addiction. I knew it was bad for both of us----but
the little voice keeps whispering to you: "You never abandon a person
at their lowest point".

.....but the lowest point never comes. It just keeps getting lower.
At some point you will either decide to save yourself or crash & burn
with them. Some escape this and some don't. This is not a Disney ride
and not everyone gets to go home.

Only THEY can decide to fix themselves.

Going no contact in Dec 2011 was one of the hardest, (yet wisest)
decisions I ever made....

....We wish you well!

Sara21

I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this. I'm going through a divorce as well (no kids) and I never thought my marriage would end the way it did. It's heartbreaking to know that our loved ones would choose their addiction over everything else in their life.

For me, I realized that I had to think with my head and not with my heart. I had to see things for the way they were, not the way I wanted them to be. Otherwise, I would only be looking at an illusion and avoiding reality. I decided that I did not want drugs in my life, period. I did not want the lies, the manipulation, the guilt, and the overall craziness that comes with addiction. It really hurt to realize that the person that vowed to love, honor and respect me was the one causing me so much pain.

He moved out several months ago and the craziness and anxiety have been replace with tranquility and peace. There are moments of sadness, loneliness and of mourning our marriage, but I am blessed to have a strong support system, including the wonderful people here on SR. The raw pain you feel will not last forever, it will get better. It just takes time. Keep posting and coming back. You are not alone.

Hugs