Should I believe that he'll change?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 7
Should I believe that he'll change?
I'm new to this forum and in the very beginning stages of learning about my boyfriend's alcohol addiction.
Last night, he came home late, so drunk that he could barely stand. So drunk he could hardly keep his eyes open. Let me repeat, I'm in the beginning stages of learning about his disease, so I'm not sure if I handled this in the best way...
He sat on the edge of the bed and asked me if I thought he drinks too much. I was honest. I told him that he can't stop drinking, even when he decides to have a sober day. I told him that I worry about his health, that I worry he'll die early because he drinks so much. I told him that he's alcohol dependent, he has withdrawal symptoms if he postpones his drinking. I told him that I think he needs professional help kicking this addiction.
He laughed and said that I was wrong, that he could cut back on his drinking. He said that he didn't know that I had a problem with his drinking (not true, btw) but now that he knows, he'll only drink 5 drinks a night, 4 nights a week. He currently drinks at least 6 drinks every single night.
I do not feel like he'll be able to keep his word. He's tried drinking less before and it never works. I'd like to be supportive with him cutting back his drinking, but I don't want to be disappointed if or when he fails. What is the healthiest way for me to respond to this? What is healthiest for him? What is healthiest (mentally, emotionally) for me?
Last night, he came home late, so drunk that he could barely stand. So drunk he could hardly keep his eyes open. Let me repeat, I'm in the beginning stages of learning about his disease, so I'm not sure if I handled this in the best way...
He sat on the edge of the bed and asked me if I thought he drinks too much. I was honest. I told him that he can't stop drinking, even when he decides to have a sober day. I told him that I worry about his health, that I worry he'll die early because he drinks so much. I told him that he's alcohol dependent, he has withdrawal symptoms if he postpones his drinking. I told him that I think he needs professional help kicking this addiction.
He laughed and said that I was wrong, that he could cut back on his drinking. He said that he didn't know that I had a problem with his drinking (not true, btw) but now that he knows, he'll only drink 5 drinks a night, 4 nights a week. He currently drinks at least 6 drinks every single night.
I do not feel like he'll be able to keep his word. He's tried drinking less before and it never works. I'd like to be supportive with him cutting back his drinking, but I don't want to be disappointed if or when he fails. What is the healthiest way for me to respond to this? What is healthiest for him? What is healthiest (mentally, emotionally) for me?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Let him do him n you do you.
You know the truth. You know he's dependant on it. You know he won't stop. So with all that, don't argue with a drunk. He'll stop when he's ready n not a day sooner.
So the question is... what are you doing for YOU?
You know the truth. You know he's dependant on it. You know he won't stop. So with all that, don't argue with a drunk. He'll stop when he's ready n not a day sooner.
So the question is... what are you doing for YOU?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. The healthiest way for you to "handle" someone else's drinking is- to let them handle it. Upsetneedhelp is right on the money saying "only and alcoholic would say 'I'll cut down to 5 drinks a night.'
Nothing you do or say will change this man. Educate yourself about alcoholism and consider attending an Alanon meeting if you are determined to stay in this relationship.
Nothing you do or say will change this man. Educate yourself about alcoholism and consider attending an Alanon meeting if you are determined to stay in this relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Decatur, Illinois
Posts: 11
Unfortunately, cutting back isn't going to make it go away. Eventually he will be right back to drinking what he did before. It's frustrating as heck to deal with. He must be having second thoughts though about his own drinking to have come to you and asked you your opinion. Although he laughed at you, hopefully soon he will agree before it spirals out of control and seeks help. What you need to figure out is that if you are prepared and willing to go through this struggle with him? There will be fights, hateful words, hurt feelings, oh the list goes on. You need to make sure whatever your decision is, that you do whats best for YOU. Realize that you and your feelings and well being DO matter.
And I second the Al Anon meetings if this is something you want to fight for!!
And I second the Al Anon meetings if this is something you want to fight for!!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
What are the repercussions if he doesn't moderate? Have you drawn any boundaries yet?
As Upsetneedhelp stated, this is several times what is considered "heavy" drinking. Also, if he is like any alcoholic I know - and I know a LOT of them in AA - he is lying about his intake. He is able to sneak drinks when you aren't around, or at work, lunch, etc.
As I am fond of saying, if we As could moderate, we would have a "moderation" forum here, full of moderation success stories. What we actually get is a lot of folks coming back to the newcomers forum after a few months saying "y'all were right, I can't moderate".
As Upsetneedhelp stated, this is several times what is considered "heavy" drinking. Also, if he is like any alcoholic I know - and I know a LOT of them in AA - he is lying about his intake. He is able to sneak drinks when you aren't around, or at work, lunch, etc.
As I am fond of saying, if we As could moderate, we would have a "moderation" forum here, full of moderation success stories. What we actually get is a lot of folks coming back to the newcomers forum after a few months saying "y'all were right, I can't moderate".
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
This is a classic alcoholic statement of denial. He might maintain control for a few days or even two weeks, but before long he will be back and worse than ever. Five drinks a night is NOT normal. And most doctors double the number when a patient tells them how much they drink. You seem to have your head around this being HIS problem, so let him do what he's going to do. What YOU need to do is take care of yourself. This is a pretty good time to figure out what you want. Alcoholism is progressive, meaning this is as good as it'll ever be. Is this what you want for the next 5, 10, 20+ years? Do you want to get married and have children? Whatever you do, DO NOT have children with this man unless he is sober for at least a year. I personally would recommend five years, but I was raised in an A home and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. What do you want for your future? You deserve happiness and a partner who is honest and won't abuse you. You also deserve the dignity of being able to make your own decisions. This is a time where you need to be selfish and think about you and only you. Best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Tigers---Http://ww.SoberRecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.Html "Ten Ways to Tell When An Addict or Alcoholic is Full of Crap"
Do yourself a big favor, and read this post. This should answer a lot of your questions. I actually suggest printing it out and posting it on the fridge--or tucking it in your sock drawer for easy reference.
Let me know if you find it or not!
dandylion
Do yourself a big favor, and read this post. This should answer a lot of your questions. I actually suggest printing it out and posting it on the fridge--or tucking it in your sock drawer for easy reference.
Let me know if you find it or not!
dandylion
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 1,218
Hi,
Glad you're here.
To me, his attitude doesn't seem to indicate that he had any intention to stop, show down, etc...doesn't even want to cut through the denial and admit he has a problem.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Many hugs to you...please keep posting here. It helps.
Peace.
Glad you're here.
To me, his attitude doesn't seem to indicate that he had any intention to stop, show down, etc...doesn't even want to cut through the denial and admit he has a problem.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Many hugs to you...please keep posting here. It helps.
Peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
he was absolutely snockered when you had this "conversation" - and even tho you articulated your concerns well, he then laughed if off and said he'd CUT BACK to 5 drinks a night, 4 days a week. I bet he gets all that counting messed up right away. it isn't the 5th or 6th drink that does it, it's the first.
the healthiest thing for you is to step back and just observe. and work on boundaries for how you will respond to his drinking. what steps are you willing to take? this had been going a while, long time i'm guessing. how much more are you willing to put up with?
the healthiest thing for you is to step back and just observe. and work on boundaries for how you will respond to his drinking. what steps are you willing to take? this had been going a while, long time i'm guessing. how much more are you willing to put up with?
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me long time ago.
Run away.
You're not married, you don't have kids so leave. The odds are that this is only going to get a whole lot worse. Much worse than you can imagine and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
You are standing at the gates of hell and you have the choice to either go in or turn around. As someone who spent many years married to an alcoholic you really want to turn around. Hell is a lot easier to get into than it is to get out of.
Your friend,
Run away.
You're not married, you don't have kids so leave. The odds are that this is only going to get a whole lot worse. Much worse than you can imagine and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
You are standing at the gates of hell and you have the choice to either go in or turn around. As someone who spent many years married to an alcoholic you really want to turn around. Hell is a lot easier to get into than it is to get out of.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Well, you're new, and yet you are not ignorant. You certainly recognize clearly the signs of an alcohol addiction. You cannot make any healthy decisions for him, only yourself. The healthiest decision for YOU as a person is to have no actively addicted individuals in your life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
You can believe that he will change, and it is possible, in theory, but don't you ever believe that he will do it for you, or for your relationship, marriage, kids, whatevet. That is a fairy tale.
You are not wrong, BTW. He is in such a denial. Sure, he can cut to 5...4...3... It is like when mine says that he must cut because he has a beer belly, but he also says that he will never stop. So...
You are not wrong, BTW. He is in such a denial. Sure, he can cut to 5...4...3... It is like when mine says that he must cut because he has a beer belly, but he also says that he will never stop. So...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: In my library
Posts: 83
Originally Posted by m1k3 
I'm going to tell you what I wish someone had told me long time ago.
Run away.
You're not married, you don't have kids so leave. The odds are that this is only going to get a whole lot worse. Much worse than you can imagine and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
You are standing at the gates of hell and you have the choice to either go in or turn around. As someone who spent many years married to an alcoholic you really want to turn around. Hell is a lot easier to get into than it is to get out of.
Your friend,
Run away.
You're not married, you don't have kids so leave. The odds are that this is only going to get a whole lot worse. Much worse than you can imagine and the longer you stay the harder it is to leave.
You are standing at the gates of hell and you have the choice to either go in or turn around. As someone who spent many years married to an alcoholic you really want to turn around. Hell is a lot easier to get into than it is to get out of.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 274
I agree with most of the comments BUT if he stops drinking suddenly, isn't that a health risk given the amount he drinks on a regular basis? My AH is trying to cut down and we have been told he has to do it gradually.........he was on nearly a litre of vodka a day and is now down to around 500-600ml - a huge amount for a 74 year old.
Alcoholics are often in 'denial' and it has to be his choice to cut down - you can't make him but can you encourage him to get professional help?
Personally think that Alcoholics probably need to stop rather than moderate their drinking for at least a few months and MAYBE they can't go back to drinking at all, although some apparently can.
Sadly, I agree with Mike - it will get worse, it is a progressive disease - wish I had realised this 10 even 5 years ago. Run - easier said than done I know but please think about detaching and setting boundries and please please please put YOURSELF first - you are still young with your whole life ahead - if he doesn't get help then you will get dragged down too and yes, the gates of hell is what you may well experience sadly.
Alcoholics lie about the amount - I count number of empties rather than go by what AH says.
Good luck and best wishes
Alcoholics are often in 'denial' and it has to be his choice to cut down - you can't make him but can you encourage him to get professional help?
Personally think that Alcoholics probably need to stop rather than moderate their drinking for at least a few months and MAYBE they can't go back to drinking at all, although some apparently can.
Sadly, I agree with Mike - it will get worse, it is a progressive disease - wish I had realised this 10 even 5 years ago. Run - easier said than done I know but please think about detaching and setting boundries and please please please put YOURSELF first - you are still young with your whole life ahead - if he doesn't get help then you will get dragged down too and yes, the gates of hell is what you may well experience sadly.
Alcoholics lie about the amount - I count number of empties rather than go by what AH says.
Good luck and best wishes
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
No.
You shouldn't believe that he will change.
Not based on that conversation.
I agree he knows he has a problem or he wouldn't have asked. There are people who do get sober. But you know what they do? They seek help. They don't laugh at and ridicule the concern of people who care about them.
Whether he will - eventually - change or not is the wrong question to ask. The question you need to ask - of yourself - is: "If nothing ever changes - if this is who he is going to be and how he is going to behave for the rest of his life... Is that what I would want from the person I share my life with?"
Because there are no guarantees that he will
Change. The only thing you know is what you have today. If it never gets better - would you still want this?
You shouldn't believe that he will change.
Not based on that conversation.
I agree he knows he has a problem or he wouldn't have asked. There are people who do get sober. But you know what they do? They seek help. They don't laugh at and ridicule the concern of people who care about them.
Whether he will - eventually - change or not is the wrong question to ask. The question you need to ask - of yourself - is: "If nothing ever changes - if this is who he is going to be and how he is going to behave for the rest of his life... Is that what I would want from the person I share my life with?"
Because there are no guarantees that he will
Change. The only thing you know is what you have today. If it never gets better - would you still want this?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
In order to change one must admit there is a problem and then succumb to handling that problem. Neither of which your boyfriend has done. Sorry and the chances he will are against you both. Take it from someone who has been doing this dance for a long time and Even after my ah knows he has a problem. Good luck. i would detach.
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