Need some advice from people who understand what im going through

Old 11-28-2013, 04:57 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 1
Need some advice from people who understand what im going through

My dad is an alcoholic but wont admit it at all. when he was drunk he was very physically and emotionally abusive to me , my mum and siblings from such a young age that i cant remember a time when he wasnt. my mum refused to ever leave him though and would never admit to anyone else what was happening to us.
he seemed to be cutting his drink down a couple for years ago, but then my mum was diagnosed with brain cancer and he started drinking more. he would turn up at the hospital drunk and was still abusive to her. she died last year and to start with, i had to take over my mums role of looking after him, even though i had moved out and had my own children.
i had to stop looking after him because i couldnt take it anymore and ended up being diagnosed with depression.
the problem now is that hes drinking more than i can ever remember but wont admit he has a problem. i refuse to let my kids see him if hes been drinking because i never want them to experience what i did. i feel horrible though when they get upset that i wont take them to see their grandad, even though im doing it for their own good. i dont want to have to explain to them what he was like because theyre still young (7 & 8). hes missed their birthdays and other special occasions because i wouldnt let him drink around them.
im angry at my mum for staying with him and letting him beat us on a weekly basis, and cant grieve for her properly because i just get angry when i think of her. i get angry with my dad for not being a proper dad to us and putting us before drink.i have so many issues even now as an adult that i know come from things he said or did to me, and things i saw.
my husband wants me to cut my dad off completely but, even after everything my dad has done, i just cant. i cant carry on like this though because i either feel angry or just cry whenever i think about it all because i just dont know what to do for the best.
AngelLily is offline  
Old 11-28-2013, 08:10 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
I'm sure everyone here can relate 100%.

Although my dad was rarely physically abusive, my story is much like yours. He also doesn't believe he's an alcoholic, despite a professional diagnosis in 1985. He's a functioning alcoholic, always has been.

Like yours, I think he's started to get worse. In 2011, he left me a dozen hateful voicemails (because I would no longer pick up the phone to talk to him), and I'm pretty sure he was drunk at 10:30 in the morning, which would be the first time I've seen him clearly drunk and out of control.

My kids are older, but they are angry with me for refusing to take them to family holidays. My parents have both slapped or tried to slap the younger kids, but the kids themselves either don't remember, or don't seem to get that this isn't a normal way for grandparents to treat their grandchildren.

I, too, have some very negative emotions about my mother's refusal to leave my dad. I can understand in the early 70s, when nobody divorced. But by 1985, when he was forcibly removed from the house by police for domestic assault? When divorce had become more acceptable? When her family was there to support her?

I can only tell you what I have done, and that's to step away. I don't go near my family. Yes, that brings on its own problems. Now I'm the Bad Daughter for 'not talking to my parents and sisters.' Yet I would have been the Bad Daughter for something else, anyway. It's causing trouble with my kids who are angry with my decision. But repeatedly going back and showing my kids by my own behavior that I will accept being a doormat, being yelled at and mistreated by my siblings and father--that also would have caused trouble, as they learned they could do it, too. (Honestly, the older ones expose themselves repeatedly to the toxicity and are learning it, anyway, but at least not by my actions.)

I continue to pray and seek peace in my own life. I continually re-focus on remembering God gave me a life to use for better or worse. I try to put good in the world and live with integrity, and accept that there are some things I simply have no control over, including my children's decisions.

But I am satisfied with my decision to stay away from toxic, belittling, raging people.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 11-28-2013, 08:45 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
DesertEyes's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello AngelLily, and welcome to our little corner of SoberRecovery

Originally Posted by AngelLily View Post
... i had to stop looking after him because i couldnt take it anymore and ended up being diagnosed with depression....
Good for you, it sounds like that was a very healthy thing to do for you and your own family.

Originally Posted by AngelLily View Post
... im angry at my mum for staying with him and letting him beat us on a weekly basis, and cant grieve for her properly because i just get angry when i think of her. i get angry with my dad for not being a proper dad to us and putting us before drink....
You sound just like all the rest of us. I can't imagine how anybody could feel otherwise with parents like that.

Originally Posted by AngelLily View Post
... i have so many issues even now as an adult that i know come from things he said or did to me, and things i saw....
The good news is that we all heal from that damage. Everybody on this forum is making great progress at healing. There's millions of us all over the world in meetings of ACoA, or going to therapy, or in church programs, and all of us getting well. We're not broken people muddling through life, we are injured people, healing stronger in the injured places.

Originally Posted by AngelLily View Post
... my husband wants me to cut my dad off completely but, even after everything my dad has done, i just cant. i cant carry on like this though because i either feel angry or just cry whenever i think about it all because i just dont know what to do for the best....
I went through that too. One of the issues that was brainwashed into me as a child by my alcoholic parents was that all decisions were black or white, and they all were of horrid consequences if I got it wrong.

What I have learned in recovery is that all things in life, including decisions, come in many, many colors, and many shades of bright to dark. The horrid consequences come from a world that has much evil, my decisions are not so incredibly powerful as to change the way the world is.

I did _not_ cut off my parents all in one day. I did it one little bit at a time. First I stopped answering the phone on Mondays. No special reason for Monday, I just picked a day. Then it was Monday and Wednesday. Then I put a clock by the phone and when it had been two full hours with them ranting and raging on the phone I would tell them someone was at the door. Next I pulled back to an hour and 45 minutes, and then hour and 30. It took me a few years to "train" them down to only 5 minutes once a week... and then, one day, they just stopped calling.

Same thing with visits and holidays. Less time with them each time. Then one Christmas I really did get a bad virus, and so I did not go. The next Christmas I was not invited, and had the best time ever with my own friends.

All the emotional issues that were forced upon me did not happen all at once, it was a slow abrasion over my entire childhood. Likewise, the healing happened little by little.

Whatever you decide to do about breaking off contact, whether you decide to do it little by little, all at once, change your mind a hundred times, or even decide to _not_ decide, we will support you. We have all been there and felt the same feelings many times over.

Mike
DesertEyes is offline  
Old 11-28-2013, 04:45 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kialua's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Yes, welcome, I understand. I wouldn't let my kids go to my parents at all. Not once. I never told them the whole story, just would be busy. Kept is light and would visit at my discretion only for an hour or two. I never really went no contact but that due to emotionally disconnecting at a very young age. I just learned to expect the worst and not let it get to me.
Kialua is offline  
Old 11-28-2013, 11:59 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
At their ages your kids are capable of understanding a basic explanation pf addiction. My older kids (8 and 6) know why they haven't seen their grandmother in a year-and-a-half. They also know that until Mimi is well again, they will not see or talk to her. I had to do what was best for ME and my children. ACoA are usually bred to believe that nobody will ever care for us the way family does, even if they're abusing us at the same time. We feel this unhealthy obligation to our abusers. You do not HAVE TO do anything for him. It's ok, and no one here would tell you otherwise. We get it. We know what it's like to have no sense of self, no personal identity, no LIFE outside of our alcoholic parent(s). Like DesertEyes mentioned, it doesn't all have to happen at once. It did for ME, but it was an extreme circumstance (nearly losing my children to CPS) that caused me to make a clean break. Just know that you are loved and supported here.This is a no judgment zone full of compassionate people just like you. Keep posting, and take time to read the stickies at the top of the page.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 12-01-2013, 08:35 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
ACoA are usually bred to believe that nobody will ever care for us the way family does, even if they're abusing us at the same time. We feel this unhealthy obligation to our abusers.
This is so true. In the letter my father sent in October, he made the comment that I'm pushing away 'all the people who love you the most.' This time, it actually gave me the creeps to read that, seeing those words clearly as coming from a manipulative abuser, and thinking back to all the ugly, disrespectful things that have been done and said, in contrast to the claim these are the people who 'love me the most.'

I have felt obligated: to have my siblings in my wedding party, to ask them to be godparents. Years went by, and I was never asked to be a godparent or be in their wedding parties. It was one of a steady stream of eye openers about how we were raised, and made me ask the question why I felt so obligated to include them (I knew my parents would have a fit if I didn't), but they felt no such obligation in return. It was another of my clues as to the different 'roles' we'd been slotted into.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-01-2013, 08:40 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: NE Wisconsin USA
Posts: 6,223
AngelLily
You have done a great thing for yourself joining SR.
wiscsober is offline  
Old 12-02-2013, 11:24 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Yep. One day: "Nobody likes you. I would have been better off if you'd never been born." The next day: "You ungrateful b*tch! How could you not do xyz for the people who love you more than [that guy] ever will?" Stockholm Syndrome isn't just for the kidnapped, kiddo. It was a constant polarizing atmosphere in my home. Damned of you did, damned if you didn't.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:05 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
resolute50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Ma
Posts: 3,553
Sounds like your husband might have the right idea.
Your father will never change until he admit there's a problem with alcohol.
Sometimes it's best to stay away from somebody that is toxic like that.
resolute50 is offline  
Old 12-03-2013, 11:47 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by NWGRITS View Post
Damned of you did, damned if you didn't.
Strangely, my life got better when I finally realized that...it meant I could quit trying to do the impossible.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-07-2013, 12:51 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
fearNloathing's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Dantes 9th circle
Posts: 470
I lived life with a very high functioning verbally abusive father who always admitted to his addiction, or at least from the time I can remember he was always very honest and my mother explained it by telling me the story of Achilles; no matter how strong a person is we all have our weakness, and alcohol was my fathers.
But just because they admit to an addiction does not mean they deal with the addiction. He would go months at a time trying to go clean but in the end always went back to his first love, Crown.
Though he was never physically abusive his verbal abuse was wearing on my soul, and times still is even though he is clean he still has a temper, but I have never been able to walk away from him in his darkest hours of need, being a drug user myself I know how they alter your state of mind and drag you into the depth of depression, to me alcohol is the worst of all drugs and I had a love affair with smack off and on for years in my teens and 20’s and it still pales in comparison with alcohol IMO when it comes to the dark places a drug can lead you in your own mind.
I have a strong faith in HaShem, (G-d) and the writing of the Tanach (Bible) and walking away from your parents in their hour of need is just a sin with no forgiveness. I may feel a sense of peace that I’m not dealing with him for a while but in the end my soul would suffer a pang that I could not bear as my love for my parents is stronger than any I have ever know, just as their love for me is the strongest I have ever known. With that being said I have no one else my choice to take care of my father affects, I even broke off a 3 year relationship with someone I cared for deeply but did not understand why I would take care of a drunk who did this all to himself. They said, I was a codependent enabler to put my life on hold to take care of my father, they may be right but I have to do what is best for my soul because I have to live with all decisions I make in this life.

In the end it is your decision to be in his life but yet keep your distance,( you don’t have to take care of him your mother is the one who signed on for that job) or walk away altogether because you and you alone are the one who will have to live with any choice you make.
fearNloathing is offline  
Old 12-10-2013, 11:23 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
m1k3's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome and ((((hugs)))). Yeah, I know where you are coming from and went through that. One think that helped me was I asked myself would I keep in contact with this person if he wasn't my father? Turned out to be a real eye opener.

Your friend,
m1k3 is offline  
Old 12-10-2013, 02:45 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
Strangely, my life got better when I finally realized that...it meant I could quit trying to do the impossible.
Oh yes. That was life-changing. But it's amazing how IMPOSSIBLE it seemed, when it's really so, so simple.
NWGRITS is offline  
Old 12-10-2013, 06:14 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
DoubleDragons's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
Today is my son's birthday and my daughter had a Christmas choral program at her elementary school. Originally, my parents were supposed to meet us at a restaurant for my son's birthday dinner and then go to the program. Well, when I spoke to my mother she was wasted at 8:30 am. I called my father and asked them not to come. I didn't want to have to spend my day wondering what kind of state she would be in when they arrived. My children have already witnessed my mother arriving to events drunk on more than one occasion, so I decided I had to protect myself and my children. Of course, the fallout of this has been incredibly nasty. They blew up my cell phone and my home phone with a mix of nasty messages, F-Us and being told that nobody's perfect and that I was committing cruel and unusual punishment. At one time I had 16 unanswered messages on my cell phone. They threatened to come to the program anyway since it was on "public" property. It was always about what I was doing to them, how cold and judgmental I am, never about how any of this affects me and my family. I feel hollow. I am so sick of being abused by them. They have always been my biggest worry and heartache.
DoubleDragons is offline  
Old 12-11-2013, 08:46 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by DoubleDragons View Post
Today is my son's birthday and my daughter had a Christmas choral program at her elementary school. Originally, my parents were supposed to meet us at a restaurant for my son's birthday dinner and then go to the program. Well, when I spoke to my mother she was wasted at 8:30 am. I called my father and asked them not to come. I didn't want to have to spend my day wondering what kind of state she would be in when they arrived. My children have already witnessed my mother arriving to events drunk on more than one occasion, so I decided I had to protect myself and my children. Of course, the fallout of this has been incredibly nasty. They blew up my cell phone and my home phone with a mix of nasty messages, F-Us and being told that nobody's perfect and that I was committing cruel and unusual punishment. At one time I had 16 unanswered messages on my cell phone. They threatened to come to the program anyway since it was on "public" property. It was always about what I was doing to them, how cold and judgmental I am, never about how any of this affects me and my family. I feel hollow. I am so sick of being abused by them. They have always been my biggest worry and heartache.
They outdid my dad. I got 'only' 11 hateful voicemails, and no FU, only being called a troublemaker and an a$$hole. (Yeah, my daily-mass-attending dad called his then 42 year old daughter an a$$hole. Real classy, dad.) But then, to be fair, sounds like your dad had your mom to help with the phone calls. My poor dad had to do it all by himself. ;-) He followed it up with another letter this October telling me much of the same stuff your dad told you.


He's never threatened to come to my kids' events, but he threatened to come to my work specifically to cause trouble for me--he was very clear that causing me trouble at my work was his intent.

I wish I could step through the computer and give you a genuine hug and comfort. You did the right thing. What they say and what they call you means nothing. I struggle still at times, knowing the things my mother says about me to everyone. Then I remember, this is the woman who spent my growing up years mocking and making fun of my cousin, making stupid faces, saying, DUHHHHH, and doing contorted things with her hand to 'imitate' her--I only later understood that my cousin is borderline mentally handicapped, and has Turner's Syndrome. Yeah, my mom was ridiculing and making fun of a handicapped baby and child, even criticizing her for not being able to lift her head well at 3 months of age! When I start feeling terrible about what she's saying about me, I sometimes remember that, and can once again CONSIDER THE SOURCE. Do the same, when they're calling you names and casting character aspersions.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-13-2013, 03:01 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
tromboneliness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by EveningRose View Post
They outdid my dad. I got 'only' 11 hateful voicemails, and no FU, only being called a troublemaker and an a$$hole. (Yeah, my daily-mass-attending dad called his then 42 year old daughter an a$$hole. Real classy, dad.)
I feel cheated, having been addressed only as an "arrogant b*stard" -- that was after hanging up on my Dad. I think what got to him was the concept that I could hang up on him. That was... not done, I guess, until it was done by yours truly!

No message from me would be complete without one of these, so here goes:'



T
tromboneliness is offline  
Old 12-13-2013, 09:34 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Originally Posted by tromboneliness View Post
I feel cheated, having been addressed only as an "arrogant b*stard" -- that was after hanging up on my Dad. I think what got to him was the concept that I could hang up on him. That was... not done, I guess, until it was done by yours truly!

No message from me would be complete without one of these, so here goes:'



T
LOL. For those of us who feel cheated, maybe we could call each other names! UGH, sorry, shouldn't make a joke of this, but, I don't know, sometimes maybe we just need to laugh at people who think that raging and calling us names is going to get them....what? Eventually, in our own healing, I think we just reach a point of pity and shaking our heads to watch these children rage and not understand why they're still miserable.
EveningRose is offline  
Old 12-13-2013, 05:14 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Bunnies!
 
NWGRITS's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
I do feel cheated. I think "selfish b*tch" was the worst I got. I always let the "wh*re" accusations roll off my back because I knew for certain that it didn't apply to me. But I was raised to always think of myself as the one who needed to sacrifice for the good of the family, so being called selfish hurt. A lot. I now realize that it's not me, but I still question my motives when I go to do anything for myself, even if it's something to provide self-care.

I count my blessings that my AM hasn't been the type to call or email to the point of harassment. I thought for sure she would call me whenever she got totally plastered, but it hasn't happened. Not a peep in over a year.
NWGRITS is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:58 AM.