New here.......Big issues
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: nampa id
Posts: 3
New here.......Big issues
Hi, I am new to this place and I have a lot of things on my mind, if anyone can help me, that would be great. My husband was sober when I met him, he slammed dope for 10 years and drank A LOT he finally got busted for a 3rd DUI and got put into jail (after a failed attempt in work release) after jail and some trouble on probation, he entered the new life recovery program and it was life changing for him. He had Faith, sobriety, love, he was so great when I met him, however, I met him only about a year after he got out of the program. We had so much fun together, He never drank, even when I did. After only a few months he asked me to marry him I SAID YES. everything was bliss. about a month before our wedding he had his bachelor party at a bowling alley (it moved into the bar) and at the time I thought it was funny that he got trashed, I never knew he had that bad of an alcohol problem in the past (idiot move) well then we got married and I got pregnant and everything went downhill. he started smoking pot and drinking a lot. it got worse to the point where he would be falling asleep in the garage with a pipe in his hand. it has been getting progressively worse since then. he was working at a job where they started passing drugs around (meth mushrooms etc) but he doesn't work there anymore. I threatened to leave him when our son was born and now he is 9 months old, I yell at him and at times my anger has gotten out of control that I say very hurtful things BUT HE IS RIPPING MY HEART OUT!! this is not the man I married, everyone has talked to him (parents, pastors, other family, friends) and he hasn't stopped. it doesn't help that some of my friends and family smoke pot with him and drink with him from time to time. this is just spiraling and I don't know what to do. he says such mean things to me when he has been drinking and when we get into a fight *MEAN* his reasoning that he is not an alcoholic is "Well if you knew how I was and where I came from then you would know this is nothing, I don't have a bottle to my mouth all day or a needle sticking out of my arm" I guess that is true but how much is too much and will it get worse? will he go back to where he came from. I have 2 children (1 with him) and I don't want to split with another man then have 2 kids from 2 POS dads etc. I don't want to move out of my house and out of my daughters school district but I hate my life right now. I have no leg to stand on if s**t hits the fan. I have a job but I would have to move out of my home, move all of my stuff, court for custody, visitation, being alone. I don't know how to sort out all the stuff in my head but a starting point would be good. ADVICE PLEASE 
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. Read all the stickies at the top of the thread, there is amwzing wisdom there. He has obviously spiraled into serious relapse. He is not the man you married. Question...,someone asked me this recently....would you want your child with a man like this? If no....what example are YOU setting for your children. You should get yourself to alanon or celebrate recovery meetings where you csn learn the tools you need to chsnge you....you cannot count on any change from him. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. Make a plan for you and your children, they need you and their needs come first.
Keep pisting, you are not alone!
Keep pisting, you are not alone!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Life has consequences and there is no escaping them.
Marriage to an alcoholic drug addict who is an abuser is impossible to sustain.
Children raised in the home of an alcoholic drug addict who is an abuser are victimized every day of their young lives.
This is reality. And what we want, wish for, hope would happen, would give our right arm to have.....makes no difference.
The task of adulthood is to face reality and deal with it. When we are children we can hide ourselves away, we can make up stories to ourselves, we can live in a fantasy world when the real world is unbearable.
As adults we have a moral duty to face the truth in our lives-- even if it is ripping us apart --and to take necessary action.
No one should live with an abusive addict when there are children involved. So either you move or you get him out.
The first step in doing that is look for a new place to live that you can afford on your salary. Get the children out of that abusive environment.
The second step is consult an attorney.
That is where you start.
If you need support, call the domestic abuse hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE for some advice about how to get out or get him out and for resources for yourself, including some counseling.
When we sacrifice our babies' childhood to alcoholics and drug addicts, we are in desperate need of psychological counseling, for we have lost our minds.
You are an adult, you have strength and intelligence, and you can do what must be done. You have no other choice.
Marriage to an alcoholic drug addict who is an abuser is impossible to sustain.
Children raised in the home of an alcoholic drug addict who is an abuser are victimized every day of their young lives.
This is reality. And what we want, wish for, hope would happen, would give our right arm to have.....makes no difference.
The task of adulthood is to face reality and deal with it. When we are children we can hide ourselves away, we can make up stories to ourselves, we can live in a fantasy world when the real world is unbearable.
As adults we have a moral duty to face the truth in our lives-- even if it is ripping us apart --and to take necessary action.
No one should live with an abusive addict when there are children involved. So either you move or you get him out.
The first step in doing that is look for a new place to live that you can afford on your salary. Get the children out of that abusive environment.
The second step is consult an attorney.
That is where you start.
If you need support, call the domestic abuse hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE for some advice about how to get out or get him out and for resources for yourself, including some counseling.
When we sacrifice our babies' childhood to alcoholics and drug addicts, we are in desperate need of psychological counseling, for we have lost our minds.
You are an adult, you have strength and intelligence, and you can do what must be done. You have no other choice.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
As long as he's actively using... yeah... it's going to get worse.
Relapsers don't ease back into addiction. They pick up where the crazy train left them off.
Anyone in their presence gets a one way ticket to Hell.
Relapsers don't ease back into addiction. They pick up where the crazy train left them off.
Anyone in their presence gets a one way ticket to Hell.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
redheadedmama-
I hate to say it but the chances are pretty good that it will get worse, he is spiraling downward and he hasn't hit bottom yet.
We can give you support. We can give you advice. And we can listen. But the fact is, you and only you can decide where your boundary line is and whether or not he's crossed it yet (or what you'll do when he does cross it.) That boundary line may have shifted a bit since you had your baby but its still there. So be honest with yourself. What does he have to do that would be enough for you to say "Enough".
I think you are getting ahead of yourself, thinking about court, visitation, etc. One thing at a time. First and foremost- do you believe that you and your children are safe in your home? If you do not, then your first duty is to protect your children and leave.
If you do believe you're safe, then the second bit of advice I have (you probably won't like). You need to "detach". You can't control his drug/alcohol use. You can't scream loud enough, you can't love him hard enough, and you can't threaten him often enough to make him stop using. He may promise that he will, but it is a promise that will be broken. So now that you know that no action what-so-ever on your part will change his behavior - getting into a fight is useless. So, turn around and walk away.
But also when you detach, it's 100%. Don't get him out of bed if he overslept for work due to drinking. Don't bail him out of jail if he is caught. Don't make excuses about why he isn't attending family or other social functions. Until he realizes the full extent of his addiction, nothing will change and if you are making his life easier by jumping to his rescue, I can guarantee that it will only get worse.
Good Luck. SR can help.
I hate to say it but the chances are pretty good that it will get worse, he is spiraling downward and he hasn't hit bottom yet.
We can give you support. We can give you advice. And we can listen. But the fact is, you and only you can decide where your boundary line is and whether or not he's crossed it yet (or what you'll do when he does cross it.) That boundary line may have shifted a bit since you had your baby but its still there. So be honest with yourself. What does he have to do that would be enough for you to say "Enough".
I think you are getting ahead of yourself, thinking about court, visitation, etc. One thing at a time. First and foremost- do you believe that you and your children are safe in your home? If you do not, then your first duty is to protect your children and leave.
If you do believe you're safe, then the second bit of advice I have (you probably won't like). You need to "detach". You can't control his drug/alcohol use. You can't scream loud enough, you can't love him hard enough, and you can't threaten him often enough to make him stop using. He may promise that he will, but it is a promise that will be broken. So now that you know that no action what-so-ever on your part will change his behavior - getting into a fight is useless. So, turn around and walk away.
But also when you detach, it's 100%. Don't get him out of bed if he overslept for work due to drinking. Don't bail him out of jail if he is caught. Don't make excuses about why he isn't attending family or other social functions. Until he realizes the full extent of his addiction, nothing will change and if you are making his life easier by jumping to his rescue, I can guarantee that it will only get worse.
Good Luck. SR can help.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Boxinrotz said it best...anyone in their presence gets a one way ticket to hell. Forget what the relationship used to be like. Look to what it is like now. Don't look at what coulda, shoulda, woulda been. What is it like now?
In my own experience with an alcoholic/addict, they don't just dip their toes back into the waters of relapse but go into it like they are training to win the gold medal in the Olympics of alcoholism. And it doesn't sound like your husband is even trying to stop. He just gives you the "well you don't know where I've been or come from" crap. The old "you just don't understand just how bad it was" story. And you really really don't want to know how bad it was because it is bad enough now and causing pain.
No promise can be believed. No promise will be kept. No amount of screaming, yelling or crying will change him..I have tried them all. None of them worked. None of them work now. I am slowly learning to detach from the madness. Baby steps.
Take care of yourself first. A day at a time. And care for your children. They see and know more than you will be comfortable in admitting to them or yourself. Don't think too far ahead. And don't worry about being alone. I am at the point where being alone sounds like a gift from heaven if I didn't have to deal with the madness. Being alone is not the worst thing ever if it means dealing with the bullying and the drunkeness and general shame and chaos that "this can't be happening to me" causes for each one of us.
Stay here and learn and post. There is a lot of support here. I have found a tremendous outpouring of support since coming on here. Glad you joined us.
In my own experience with an alcoholic/addict, they don't just dip their toes back into the waters of relapse but go into it like they are training to win the gold medal in the Olympics of alcoholism. And it doesn't sound like your husband is even trying to stop. He just gives you the "well you don't know where I've been or come from" crap. The old "you just don't understand just how bad it was" story. And you really really don't want to know how bad it was because it is bad enough now and causing pain.
No promise can be believed. No promise will be kept. No amount of screaming, yelling or crying will change him..I have tried them all. None of them worked. None of them work now. I am slowly learning to detach from the madness. Baby steps.
Take care of yourself first. A day at a time. And care for your children. They see and know more than you will be comfortable in admitting to them or yourself. Don't think too far ahead. And don't worry about being alone. I am at the point where being alone sounds like a gift from heaven if I didn't have to deal with the madness. Being alone is not the worst thing ever if it means dealing with the bullying and the drunkeness and general shame and chaos that "this can't be happening to me" causes for each one of us.
Stay here and learn and post. There is a lot of support here. I have found a tremendous outpouring of support since coming on here. Glad you joined us.
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