Upsetnneedhelp

I've been getting depressed with the holidays approaching. My extended family is fairly normal middle class hard working families. They always seem to want to know the details about my son. He was suppose to spend Thanksgiving with us this year but was re-arrested. Apparently they planned to all put their purses and jackets in a locked room if my son attended. Nice family huh? My daughter will probably tell my extended all the juicy details about his latest bump with the law. Oddly enough, I feel closer with my convict son then I do with my daughter who works as a ER nurse, married into wealth and has 3 great kids. Being trained in the medical field she should have a better understanding of the disease of addiction. I

choublak

I don't think it has much to do with being nice; he was robbing drug dealers while out.

Leana

Set ground rules.
Your daughter is an adult and can tell whomever she wants to about her brother but you do not have to be involved. If they bring it up, respectfully say "My daughter has her views and I have mine. I don't agree with what my son did but he is still my son and I love him. Thank you for asking." And then just walk away.

Upsetnneedhelp

Her views go against the morals I taught her. You should not gossip about the immediate family. She hates her job because she says that the night shift gets mostly alcohol and drug related patients. She resents me for always bailing out my son when he was a teenager. I place a lot of blame on society for my son turning into a drug addict. I come from Honduras & never really understood the US culture and views.

Upsetnneedhelp

True enough. But he never stole from me so the family should not of been worried. At least that is one boundary he never crossed and I am grateful.

Raider

What did society do to turn your son into an addict?

Upsetnneedhelp

raider, I blame the schools for not providing him with the extra help he needed. We did not speak English when we first arrived here. We arrived here as "political refugees". I won't get into the details. My son was actually bullied as a student and I believe that effected his self esteem. He turned to smoking pot in high school to fit in. I often wonder why my son took the road he did while my daughter took the road she did.

Leana

You certainly write well considering English is your second language. You and your daughter were able to make the right choices, who knows why your son was unable to do the same.

Children grow up and do not always keep their parent's value system. Your daughter obviously does not consider speaking (gossiping) about her brother to be wrong. I would guess that you are not going to change her, so you are going to have to figure out what your reaction to her gossiping is going to be.

Upsetnneedhelp

leana, you are probably right about my daughter. We came to US in 1981. My daughter inspired me to attend college here. I took varies college courses. I have a degree in my native country. My kids learned English quickly here, mainly due to Saturday morning cartoons.

Lily1918

I can so relate to this post! I am not going to the in-laws tomorrow because half of them don't know that my husband is in prison, and its not really their business. If I go, then they will all ask where D is. Grandma and Grandpa gossiped to the whole church about D going away and my dad told his church as well. It hurts to be gossiped about.

I am sad these holidays to, but I guess there must be hope in the end somehow...

hugs to you. you are not alone.

Upsetnneedhelp

Thank you Lily. I do feel like no one understands my situation.
My son is done with rehabs. I often wonder why there hasn't been a medication created yet that can cure addiction? My son told me that he is done with rehabs. Before his first prison sentence he was always ordered there by the court. This one particular Judge gave him many chances. I believe that sometimes he didn't take it seriously or even try to get better. But there was once or twice when I believe he really did want to stop using drugs and alcohol. Tomorrow when I see my family I am reminded that no one else has a alcohol problem. They will drink one or two beers only. My son is the "black sheep" of the family.

hopeful4

I am very sorry you are going through this and for the difficult time your son is having. I forget sometimes that not every single person feels the same about my children as i do in that unconditional love type of way. My AH will be the black sheep tomorrow. I get it.

Unfortunately until your son decides its time...for him......to work on his recovery he will not have success. It sounds like he has went through alot and has some underlying depression he is trying to self medicate? If thats the case maybe therapy would help him work through some of the depression. Will it cure his addiction? Maybe not but it could not hurt.

Good luck and many blessings to you both.

Seren

I am sorry that your family is so divided for the holidays, Upset. I can imagine how much you would like to see everyone together celebrating and dining as a family.

Do you have plans today?

Florence

Upset, I did not understand your story when you first started posting, but I think the picture is getting clearer. It sounds like you had a lot of trauma -- emotional, financial, social, political, even geographical! -- that has affected your family. I'm so sorry this happened to you and your precious children.

There is no explanation for why one of your children was able to adapt and the other was not. It's okay to feel sad and feel regret that your family isn't whole today. It's also okay to remove yourself from the gossip -- you don't have to explain yourself to anyone! You can't control your daughter any more than you could control your son. They are adults who will make decisions, good and bad, that are out of your hands. As a mother of adults, you can only care for yourself and try to make loving decisions around them. Today, imagine swooping up Upset as a little girl and giving her the hug that she always needed. This is what I do when I am anxious and sad, and it helps me grieve and feel better.

Upsetnneedhelp

Yes, I went to my sisters house for dinner. I suppose there is one other family member who is a alcoholic in the family. He was very drunk and rowdy. Everyone knew my sons release date so it was embarssing to tell everyone he violated parole already.Although I'm angry towards my son I'm also ashamed.

Lily1918

my husbands mother struggles with shame as well. I do to, but not in the same way. I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. I have read your story and I have nothing but respect for you. I'm sorry that your son is done with treatment. That is a tough pill to swallow. I am counting my blessings that AH is not to that point... yet.

I want to send you encouragement but I'm not sure what to say, so I will just send you hugs, and tell you that you were on my gratitude list today.
for what its worth... happy thanksgiving.

choublak

He hadn't stolen from you or the family - yet. That's not a guarantee that he wouldn't do that in the future.

choublak

Catracha!

Hell, I'm American and don't understand the US culture and views sometimes.

Upsetnneedhelp

I don't think he can steal from me now that he is in jail awaiting his parole violation. But I truely believe that my son would never steal from me no matter how bad he got. I was always afraid for my neighbors though because he was always breaking into their garages. He began his drug addiction and criminal career in his teens.

Upsetnneedhelp

American culture seems very unforgiving and the concept of criminal justice is punishment not rehabilitation. When famous people get arrested many Americans are amused by it. That show TMZ is a good example.