Advice for husband of returning wife
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
Advice for husband of returning wife
Hi All,
My wife has spent the last 3 months away from home, first in a psychiatric ward and then transferred to an addiction treatment center.
So far the treatment centre seems to be going well and she seems to be responding well and for the first time in a few years seems to be connecting with her emotions and realising the damage and hurt that has been caused by addiction to medication and alchohol, particularily to our 3 teenage children.
She is due to finish with the addiction centre program in a couple of weeks and the problem I have is how to tackle how she returns to a family home when the children are so afraid of her returning to old patterns that they cannot bring themselves to try anymore - they cannot bear the emotional pain any further and have little belief that she can change.
For me this is such a sad and distressing situation because I remember so well how good a mother she was once and such a caring and loving person, but for a variety of reasons addiction and depression took hold of her. She is really trying but its hard to have too much hope after so many broken promises. But this treatment centre is quite severe in the ways she is encouraged to deal with the issues in her head that have caused the addictions and as her husband for the first time in 2 years I have some hope again.
Any advice from anyone who has experience in similar scenarios would be so appreciated - thank you.
My wife has spent the last 3 months away from home, first in a psychiatric ward and then transferred to an addiction treatment center.
So far the treatment centre seems to be going well and she seems to be responding well and for the first time in a few years seems to be connecting with her emotions and realising the damage and hurt that has been caused by addiction to medication and alchohol, particularily to our 3 teenage children.
She is due to finish with the addiction centre program in a couple of weeks and the problem I have is how to tackle how she returns to a family home when the children are so afraid of her returning to old patterns that they cannot bring themselves to try anymore - they cannot bear the emotional pain any further and have little belief that she can change.
For me this is such a sad and distressing situation because I remember so well how good a mother she was once and such a caring and loving person, but for a variety of reasons addiction and depression took hold of her. She is really trying but its hard to have too much hope after so many broken promises. But this treatment centre is quite severe in the ways she is encouraged to deal with the issues in her head that have caused the addictions and as her husband for the first time in 2 years I have some hope again.
Any advice from anyone who has experience in similar scenarios would be so appreciated - thank you.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
wow. just wow.
Sort of been there, done this, but the kids are younger (6, 9, 11). Mrs. Hammer is back about 11-1/2 months.
Things were pretty crazy for a Long While. Still some now, but we (me and the kids) learned some good coping methods, and she has improved, as well.
What made ours pretty rough, is the rehab was only 3 weeks, and all the rehab did was stop the addiction (although THAT is a mighty fine thing -- Thank You, God), but that just sort of opened the barrel on the Mental Illness issues hidden underneath the Addictions.
I would suggest that she should likely be in follow up therapy, you should consider (and already be in) Alanon. And REALLY Do The Work once you are there. There may be local Alateen for the kids. Our older two have really liked that.
If you have the option, maybe bring her in slow. On little things where you can get little wins.
In our case, Mrs. Hammer came off the plane just about drooling and was a mess for the first few months.
Sort of been there, done this, but the kids are younger (6, 9, 11). Mrs. Hammer is back about 11-1/2 months.
Things were pretty crazy for a Long While. Still some now, but we (me and the kids) learned some good coping methods, and she has improved, as well.
What made ours pretty rough, is the rehab was only 3 weeks, and all the rehab did was stop the addiction (although THAT is a mighty fine thing -- Thank You, God), but that just sort of opened the barrel on the Mental Illness issues hidden underneath the Addictions.
I would suggest that she should likely be in follow up therapy, you should consider (and already be in) Alanon. And REALLY Do The Work once you are there. There may be local Alateen for the kids. Our older two have really liked that.
If you have the option, maybe bring her in slow. On little things where you can get little wins.
In our case, Mrs. Hammer came off the plane just about drooling and was a mess for the first few months.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
I have done this routine about 7-10 times with XAW and at first I was overly supportive, worried about making a "safe" environment for her, and being a helicopter husband. That didn't work. I would have been better off asking a few simple questions like, "what can I do to support your recovery program?" and then just trying to step back and listen.
I wish I had just let her do everything for herself, instead of worrying about it for her. Making friendly suggestions never worked for me, in fact XAW was always prone to do the opposite of whatever she was told.
Mostly just pray that she did hit bottom and she is now committed to recovery, and that she understands that it isn't worth going back. If she gets into recovery and hopefully some kind of "program", it will involve reflection and inventory, and who knows, she might even apologize to you and the kids.
I'm still waiting for that apology, but I think for the A it is like waking up from a very bad dream with spotty memories and plenty of guilt. It's almost like they can't face it. It takes time for them to figure things out. But my key thought is to let her make her own decisions and continue to take care of yourself, stay detached, maintain your own good relationships with the kids, etc.
Good luck!
I wish I had just let her do everything for herself, instead of worrying about it for her. Making friendly suggestions never worked for me, in fact XAW was always prone to do the opposite of whatever she was told.
Mostly just pray that she did hit bottom and she is now committed to recovery, and that she understands that it isn't worth going back. If she gets into recovery and hopefully some kind of "program", it will involve reflection and inventory, and who knows, she might even apologize to you and the kids.
I'm still waiting for that apology, but I think for the A it is like waking up from a very bad dream with spotty memories and plenty of guilt. It's almost like they can't face it. It takes time for them to figure things out. But my key thought is to let her make her own decisions and continue to take care of yourself, stay detached, maintain your own good relationships with the kids, etc.
Good luck!
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by djayr 
I'm still waiting for that apology,
Sure.
And conversely that -- her not working the program -- is part of why the re-re-re-re-cycle.
Mrs. Hammer's dad explained one helpful thing to me.
FIL: "[Mrs. Hammer] rarely says Thank You, and Never says I am Sorry."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I guess I am an old cynic...but I would not let her come right back home. I would make her live elsewhere and prove she is serious about her sobriety and continues to work her issues. My biggest mistake in life was letting my AH come right back home after rehab.
Good Luck to you. Please consider your children and their needs first and foremost as they are YOUR responsibility and need your support and for you to be their rock.
Good Luck to you. Please consider your children and their needs first and foremost as they are YOUR responsibility and need your support and for you to be their rock.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Somewhere, Fractured State
Posts: 111
I have a slightly different experience. Mrs. Worse never stops apologizing and promising better days. Originally she blamed just about everything but herself and booze. Now she blames both and her guilt is overwhelming. Its sad to see her like this. Its sad to see me like this. I'll be ok eventually and happy even. I feel for you guys that have kids that have to be friends with a monster. Especially if its not just substance problems.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dublin--what kind of follow-up program is/will be in place for when she leaves the program?
It is important for YOU to know what kind of ongoing work is required for a person to maintain sobriety. She is an alcoholic (don't know about her other mental health issues) for life. This means life-long life style changes. The reason that YOU need to know is not because you will be directing her---it is because this gives you a base line from which to make the decisions that will protect the welfare for you and those children.
The alcoholic has to make sobriety the top priority in their life--and then organize the rest of their life around this hub. They need a program like AA which they must work vigorously and consistently--especially, at first. She will need a sponsor and all this will be time-consuming. Working the steps are how the alcoholic changes the alcoholic thinking and attitudes that, eventually, leads to changed behavior. Rigorous self-examination and honesty is demanded to do this.
It may be that a period of separation might be more appropriate for your family separation until she reaches a level of stability that allows the family to come together more peacefully. The early recovery period is tough on everyone, typically. For sure, you and the kids are going to need help (as Hammer says) whether you all live separately or not. Prepare for a marathon--not a short sprint.
I offer these thoughts for your consideration....
dandylion
It is important for YOU to know what kind of ongoing work is required for a person to maintain sobriety. She is an alcoholic (don't know about her other mental health issues) for life. This means life-long life style changes. The reason that YOU need to know is not because you will be directing her---it is because this gives you a base line from which to make the decisions that will protect the welfare for you and those children.
The alcoholic has to make sobriety the top priority in their life--and then organize the rest of their life around this hub. They need a program like AA which they must work vigorously and consistently--especially, at first. She will need a sponsor and all this will be time-consuming. Working the steps are how the alcoholic changes the alcoholic thinking and attitudes that, eventually, leads to changed behavior. Rigorous self-examination and honesty is demanded to do this.
It may be that a period of separation might be more appropriate for your family separation until she reaches a level of stability that allows the family to come together more peacefully. The early recovery period is tough on everyone, typically. For sure, you and the kids are going to need help (as Hammer says) whether you all live separately or not. Prepare for a marathon--not a short sprint.
I offer these thoughts for your consideration....
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I didn't have kids in the mix, but the first few months after my RABF returned home were difficult. I didn't trust him. Neither of us were sure about the future. It was hard to not "helicopter" and monitor his recovery. He did have a very strong recovery plan...and follows it do this day. AA daily, Sponsor, Step work, Volunteer work, counseling.
Your wife has damaged relationships, they're not going to be repaired over night. But it's her issue to work on that, not yours. I would suggest you talk with her rehab people before she's released. Get an idea of what the recovery plan is. That way, from observation, you'll know if she's doing the work.
STRONGLY suggest Alateen for your kids. It would really help them to have peers to talk to, in a safe environment, who understand their fears. Be available to them if they want to share their feelings, let them have the space and time they need to recover from all of this.
I hope your wife does well in her recovery, and wish you all the best.
Your wife has damaged relationships, they're not going to be repaired over night. But it's her issue to work on that, not yours. I would suggest you talk with her rehab people before she's released. Get an idea of what the recovery plan is. That way, from observation, you'll know if she's doing the work.
STRONGLY suggest Alateen for your kids. It would really help them to have peers to talk to, in a safe environment, who understand their fears. Be available to them if they want to share their feelings, let them have the space and time they need to recover from all of this.
I hope your wife does well in her recovery, and wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 137
Hi Dublin 3,
I'm assuming you may be based in Ireland-
Does the treatment centre provide aftercare for both of you afterwards- i know people who availed of it, and it is a great help.
Al Anon has been, and is, my saviour- there seems to be a lack of Alateen in rural areas - not sure about Dublin..... Number for Al Anon is 018732699 - it's manned on a voluntary basis for 4 hours a day-sometimes kids can get help through the Rainbows programme in schools. Ask the treatment centre for options - I know some of them are more family based than others- the one my husband went to had no family days...they all differ.
Wishing you all the best in the next few months-
I'm assuming you may be based in Ireland-
Does the treatment centre provide aftercare for both of you afterwards- i know people who availed of it, and it is a great help.
Al Anon has been, and is, my saviour- there seems to be a lack of Alateen in rural areas - not sure about Dublin..... Number for Al Anon is 018732699 - it's manned on a voluntary basis for 4 hours a day-sometimes kids can get help through the Rainbows programme in schools. Ask the treatment centre for options - I know some of them are more family based than others- the one my husband went to had no family days...they all differ.
Wishing you all the best in the next few months-
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I would second and third the idea of having your wife return first to a transitional program where she is not living at home and is receiving treatment and support. This would let you take care of your children by not immediately disrupting the recovery they have begun without her upsetting presence, and it would let your wife and your children get comfortable with each other for shorter spans of time than having her live at home.
It might also be an incentive for her to earn her way back into your children's lives by her continued sobriety and by continuing to cope with her other issues.
I think, and Hammer has said it well, that the first priority is your children, second is you since you have to captain this ship and need to be in good shape to do that, and finally your wife.
Keep coming here, post as often as you want, you'll find a wealth of wisdom and unbelievable support from people who truly understand what you are facing.
ShootingStar1
It might also be an incentive for her to earn her way back into your children's lives by her continued sobriety and by continuing to cope with her other issues.
I think, and Hammer has said it well, that the first priority is your children, second is you since you have to captain this ship and need to be in good shape to do that, and finally your wife.
Keep coming here, post as often as you want, you'll find a wealth of wisdom and unbelievable support from people who truly understand what you are facing.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
Thank you all so much for your caring and sensible advice, It has been so difficult to deal with what has happened to our family in the past couple of years in particular. My wife is committing herself at the moment to following the treatment plan that the centre are putting in place for her.
It is so good to get information here from people with similar experiences.
Dandylion to answer your question - what kind of follow-up program is/will be in place for when she leaves the program? One day a week for a year and two days a week for initial six weeks out of treatment. Thank you for your help!
Thank you everybody.
It is so good to get information here from people with similar experiences.
Dandylion to answer your question - what kind of follow-up program is/will be in place for when she leaves the program? One day a week for a year and two days a week for initial six weeks out of treatment. Thank you for your help!
Thank you everybody.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 36
My wife and two grown children came out of treatment almost two years ago. I thought if they stayed clean and sober I would be fine. I was wrong. Took me all this time to realize this. Now I focus on taking care of myself and letting them work their program. I can't keep them sober, but I CAN be supportive. It's a two sided coin. They have to be supportive of me, too. I stood by them thru years of raging addiction and seven treatment programs, along with all the insanity that comes with it. Now I stand by me. If everyone perceives you as strong, no one will see your pain. Take care of yourself...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 6
It is difficult to do always but I have always tried to support her when she shows signs of recovery and I would like to support her when she gets out of the residential programme. But as an adult and husband it is easier for me to do this. My teenagers find it so difficult to support her after so many ups and downs. And I do not know how to handle this if honest.
I think that if someone is willing to do the right thing they should be supported and as long as they are committed should be treated with love and consideration no matter how withdrawn, selfish and isolated they were in the past. But my children have different opinions, which are completely valid for them and I cannot critisise their feelings or the way they cope with this situation.
So I am torn between love for my wife and the care and resposibility I have to provide a stable and happy home for my children.
I would like to think that somehow she has realised that the pattern of the past cannot be repeated and she will find other tools other than alchohol and medication to deal with panic attacks and anxiety attacks. But so far I have always been baffled and confused about how each episode happens and keeps repeating.
I think that if someone is willing to do the right thing they should be supported and as long as they are committed should be treated with love and consideration no matter how withdrawn, selfish and isolated they were in the past. But my children have different opinions, which are completely valid for them and I cannot critisise their feelings or the way they cope with this situation.
So I am torn between love for my wife and the care and resposibility I have to provide a stable and happy home for my children.
I would like to think that somehow she has realised that the pattern of the past cannot be repeated and she will find other tools other than alchohol and medication to deal with panic attacks and anxiety attacks. But so far I have always been baffled and confused about how each episode happens and keeps repeating.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dublin---you may need a period of separation as the only practical solution to this verry difficult situation. Perhaps have consultation with a professional for yourself in this regard?
I think you have to keep all possible options open--at this point.
dandylion
I think you have to keep all possible options open--at this point.
dandylion
Not waving, but drowning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 423
Hi Dublin,
You posed a very moving and important question here. What struck me in the way your phrased your original post was your concern for your wife. But...also that your children have been likely hurt by her behavior and are not perhaps not ready to be as open to her return?
My thoughts are...concentrate on your kids. Please. Even if your wife manages to pull things together when/if she returns, they have been blameless victims in this drama. Why should they trust her now? How dashed will their hopes be if she relapses? Why should they be asked to suffer this again? I hope you can keep your focus on your own equilibrium and theirs. I second everyone else's advice to find Al Anon for the rest of you.
If things do work out it will be a longer term proposition. One of the saddest things to watch at SR is when a parent, who hopes against hopes that their spouse is going to make it "this time" drags their children back into the swamp of living with an A.
Good luck. You are clearly working hard to make this work out for your family. But just because she's realized her bad patterns from her time in rehab, doesn't mean she'll be able to overcome them.
You posed a very moving and important question here. What struck me in the way your phrased your original post was your concern for your wife. But...also that your children have been likely hurt by her behavior and are not perhaps not ready to be as open to her return?
My thoughts are...concentrate on your kids. Please. Even if your wife manages to pull things together when/if she returns, they have been blameless victims in this drama. Why should they trust her now? How dashed will their hopes be if she relapses? Why should they be asked to suffer this again? I hope you can keep your focus on your own equilibrium and theirs. I second everyone else's advice to find Al Anon for the rest of you.
If things do work out it will be a longer term proposition. One of the saddest things to watch at SR is when a parent, who hopes against hopes that their spouse is going to make it "this time" drags their children back into the swamp of living with an A.
Good luck. You are clearly working hard to make this work out for your family. But just because she's realized her bad patterns from her time in rehab, doesn't mean she'll be able to overcome them.
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