Calnius

Hey guys..I've been doing really well with my drinking up until the past few weeks. I mean, I have cut back tremendously and don't do what i used to (drinking every day to get drunk, doing anything I could to get alcohol (nothing illegal or anything..just putting myself in a position where I could get it.)

I've hung out with my friend from highschool, and those times I knew we were possibly going to drink..I told myself not more than two...but two turned into eight...I woke up feeling horrible the next day, I think the alcohol really messed with my depression..I was in a VERY depressive state the entire day..

Yesterday was the worst..I feel so bad and upset at myself..out of a twelve pack I had five I believe..and..once I had that many, my inhibitions just went south..I went into my friends parents liquor cabinet and had a few swigs of vodka over the course of a few hours =(...then I went against my parents orders and got my adderall filled and took one, then I took one of my klonipin to sleep an hour or so later..I woke up feeling sick today and actually thre up a few hours later.

I don't know if it was the alcohol I drank or the medicine, or a combination of both..but again I find myself in a depressive state.

I was going to hang out with this friend and his girlfriend again today...my mind thought "hey they have that bottle in his parents liquor cabinet." We had plans to make hamburgers at his house..they picked me up (him and his girlfriend) My mom saw that his girlfriend was with, (who she thinks is a huge drug/pill head...and she is..but I am not keep that in mind.) My mom told me I am going over there to pop pills and get high on synthetic cannibis (that k2 stuff...which for the record I do NOT do.) I don't pop pills..and I dont do anything like that...it really hurtr and messed with my depression hearing her say that...she watched me get in the car from the front door as I left.

Midway through the car ride when we stopped at the store..I texted my mom and asked her to come pick me up...mostly because one i didnt want to be tempted to do the horrible horrible thing of taking another few drinks of his parents liquor...as I'm trying to stay healthy and curtail my alcohol..I cant drink because of my meds, and I dont like it when I drink..

While waiting for my dad to pick me up I got sick and threw up..Idk if it was because of the medicine i took or the alcohol or what.

I spent some time hanging out with my dad because I didnt want to go back to my moms house right away...but I texted my mom that it hurt me hearing what she said to me..I'm not a drug user, it hurt and made me depressed really bad.

Guys..I just..I dont know what to do...Maybe I'm going to stop hanging out with my friend at his house like that, because I don't want that temptation. Or maybe stop hanging out with him entirely if alcohol is going to be present..because when I always tell myself i'll only have one or two..it always turns into more.

I feel so depressed and lost right now..How could I do that? not only did I break my plan to curtail the drinking..but I drank some of what wasn't even mine without asking or anyone knowing.

I feel so horrible..this is making my depression much worse. I just.. I don't know what to do. I feel so bad I am seriously just sitting here in pain on the inside. I hate that part of me..I wish I never did it. I hate feeling this way..

Any assistance or advice would really be appreciated... Its also really hard because my parents dont really understand mental illness like depression and they just don't understand when i tell them.. (for the record i'm 24)...

ScottFromWI

It sounds to me like you are trying to moderate your drinking, rather than quitting completely. Would that be a fair assumption?

melody196365

I agree ScottfromWI....Calnius perhaps its best you refrain all together and begin a sober existence....thanks for sharing open your heart to a new way of living.

Mikie9

Are you sure this is a friend? Sounds harsh maybe but I have had to give up many "friends" because i couldn't trust myself to be around them. If i had all going on that you do, I would be even more cautious.

Good luck friend, remember for almost everyone on this site, there is no "one or two". for me the alcohol plus the sugar gets me all happy and any common sense goes out the window, and I wake up the next day feeling just like that.

Leana

I'm not trying to be harsh but I think you are trying to figure out how you can continue to drink "in moderation". You may need to give it up all together.

I am glad you called your dad and texted your mom, it shows that you really don't want to live like this, try taking the next step....give up alcohol for 24 hours. See how you feel.

Calnius

I havent drank like that in forever to be honest. I just had that mess up..

Taking5

I agree on giving up moderation. Also your quote:

Flies in the face of your earlier statement:

It doesn't matter if you have a script for these or not, you are using them. Ae you abusing them?

Calnius

I'm trying to quit completely. I have made tremendous progress so far, just the past two days set me back...Thats why I feel so bad about myself..

ScottFromWI

Feeling bad won't help. You mentioned a couple times that you were only going to ha 2 drinks but had more. We're you planning the 2 drinks or did that just happen as well? I can't even count the number of times I was going to "cut back", but it never worked

Mikie9

Know thyself

Learn who you are, what you can and can't do, and what the consequences are for your actions. Anything else is just daydreaming or lying.

I'm still working on this, but they are words I am measuring myself by now.

Calnius

I have been tested by a psychologist and diagnosed with ADHD combined type. When I said 'popping pills' I meant someone who abuses them for recreational purposes. I take mine as directed.

Calnius

I really want my goal to be to stop entirely..

ScottFromWI

Then make that your goal, I did and lots of others here did too. Anyone can if they want it enough. It will require lots of work and most likely major changes to your lifestyle, like who you hang out with arms where you hang out.

Have you considered a formal recovery method like AA or AVRT?

Calnius

I've actually never heard of AVRT? what is it?