5minus1

Another newbie. i've been reading all the posts and find great insight here.
Have to inform my 10 year old daughter that her daddy won't be coming back home. (he is out of town until tomorrow or wednesday working). He is a recovering A that has discovered he can get a buzz from over the counter pills. (or so he said that is all he was hiding (oops) taking for body aches, however also says he wasn't under the influence of anything but was clearly high on something numerous times).
Can anyone offer some advice from experience?

OnawaMiniya

Hi,

I don't have experience with this - I done even have children. But someone else will be along with some words of experience.

Just wanted to offer some hugs and say I'm sorry you are going through this.

Peace.

Lulu39

Welcome 5minus1!

You will like this place. Have you read the "stickies", the locked threads at the top of the board/forum? Lots of good info. in them. Many, many years of experience in the stickied threads.

I have no experience with your situation. However, are you sure that your child's father won't be coming home? I wouldn't be saying anything until you are sure. He might just waltz into your home tomorrow like nothing has happened.

What happened?
What support do you have outside of this forum?

hopeful4

I agree...do you know for certain he is not coming home? I advise you don't tell her things until you know them for concrete fact.

Good Luck and Many Hugs!

Keep posting, you are not alone.

5minus1

I have made it very clear to him that he is not coming home. This is now the 3rd time I have had to ask him to leave because of this. We have been married for 23 years, together for 26. I can't get past the lying and deceiving once again. 2-1/2 years ago I ended up in the hospital for 10 day due to stomach issues. During that time, he brought our then 8 year old in to see me completely hammered. I was hooked up to IV for the pain. When I asked him what he was doing driving her around, he took her from my arms and left. When he got home from work on halloween, he was clearly under the influence of something. I did some checking and found daily debit entries in him bank account for a pharmacy. I also checked his coat pocket and found a packet of buckley daytime cold meds which he explained as "they could have been there for a year". He denied he was on anything on halloween. This all brought right back the pain from 2-1/2 years ago when I was in the hospital. Right now, all I see are the lies and the trust is completely gone. I can't say for the future as to what is going to happen. At this point not even sure I want to attempt to get it back. I don't intend on looking at him coming back or even discussing it for a year. He can't seem to get past the 10-11 month without going into a relapse. He hasn't picked up a bottle, however it doesn't matter where he gets his high from. He doesn't seem to grasp that and feels this is just a "bad choice". (his words).
I have a few close friends and also family (however family isn't anywhere close by). I was seeing a therapist for 1-1/2 years which helped immensely. I did speak with my therapist a week ago and he says I know inside what to do, I just have to trust in myself.

Catherine628

I have 2 daughters, ages 5 and 9 and my AH and I are separated. I tell the girls it is not their fault and both parents love them. We have had discussions on alcoholism and addiction. My girls understand that dad is working on getting better right now and this is like a full time job for him. I tell them hopefully dad will get better but if he doesn't we still have our family of 3 and we can still be happy.

hopeful4

Catherine...it sounds like you are full of wisdom. Thank you for sharing.

It is hard. I agree the kids HAVE to know they have no responsibility in any of it and that they are still loved by BOTH parents. You say you have had to ask him to leave 3 times? Good for you that it sounds like you plan on this being it. It is very confusing for kids to have parents say the other is not coming back for sure then they do come back. When I make my AH leave if he has been drinking I just tell my kids he is not allowed in the house when drinking and is going to his sisters. I am not ready to separate for a couple of different reasons, but that is what is said. They are 14 and 8 and understand. I stopped lying to them and covering up. I don't speak ill of their father...ever. I just say he has a problem w/alcohol and while we hate the disease we still love him. That's enough for them for now.

Thanks!

Hammer

Yeah, that was what I thought I was reading in all that.

Good that YOU know what is happening.

Impressive.

I remember those days.

Stomach ache so bad I did not eat for days.

That was time for Alanon for me.


Like I say. Impressive.

Hammer

Just noticed that your real question was about your 10 y.o. daughter.

Have one of those. 11 now, but 10 when the bottom fell out.

We wound up actually homeless, with mom/Mrs. Hammer totally bonkers nutz. I mean like talking to her was like stepping on an elevator pushing a button and having no idea what floor you would be on when the door opened. And there were some REAL crazy floors on that menu.

Long story short -- Sent mom/Mrs. Hammer off to rehab, and she came back more nutty than before. Daughter wound up in Alateen (I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH THAT HELPED -- STRONGLY CONSIDER IT FOR YOUR DAUGHTER). I am doing Alanon (STRONGLY CONSIDER THAT FOR YOU).

Specially for what to tell / explain to daughter -- Daughter and I did some YouTube Videos on Mrs. Hammer's specific problems. Ones of hope and recovery -- so she could know there was hope and recovery, and ones like Amy Winehouse -- so she could know the risks.

The teachers and school staff were pretty helpful, too. Daughter's lead teacher was telling me there must be something wrong because daughter had always been top of the class, and now something was wrong. Teacher saw the tears running my cheeks from behind my sunglasses. She asked what really was going on, and I explained it. The teachers and . . . librarian (can you believe that, the librarian?) swooped in like a pack of Angels for my daughter.

Girl Scouts have been good, too. And my sister (daughter's Aunt) let her know that she would take her in if things go crazy again.

So go get help. Not just here. Real World. Alanon. Alateen. School Counselors, Church, Family.

And get prayed up. Best help there is.

5minus1

Thank you all for the wonderful replies
Just received a text from him saying he was back in town at 1:00, wanted to come by to pick up his things, talk with me and see our daughter. I feel he should be the one to reassure her of his love and that he isn't abandoning her. This will also make him see the results of his actions as he has never seen that before. Will update how it all goes